Feel criticised at every turn by PILS after baby. Is this normal? (v.long)

[Snowboarder]

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. I have ben with DH for 10 years, married 2. After lots of health problems on my part where my fertility was put into question, and IVF we finally had a much longed for DS who was born 3 months prematurely.

Up until DS's birth I would have said I had a good relationship with my PILS, although they are not as warm and demonstrative as my own parents (never ask how I am for example). The minute DS was born (their first grandchild) things seemed to change and I have lost count of the times I have been in tears about things they have said to me. A few examples:

• FIL remarked that DS 'definitely knew his gran' but asked me if I thought he knew who I was (I was at the hospital every day for between 10-12 hours as was trying to breastfeed and was desperately worried about our bond being affected - it was the worst thing he could have said to me)
• when DS was very tiny in hospital (around 3lb) I wanted to do as much care for him as the nurses would allow. One showed me how to turn him over one morning and after I'd done his nappy later that day (and PILs had been watching and commenting at everything) I'd got so flustered i'd forgotten to do it. The nurse popped in for something and said to me 'oh, you haven't turned him, do you want me to do it?' FIL said to the nurse 'what's she done wrong now?' I cried after they'd left for about 2 hours.
• They would come and observe me changing DS' nappy and in a really passive agressive way say to DS 'is mummy being cruel to you?'
• nothing is right for them, they constantly remark that DS is too warm or doesn't like being strapped in his pram, or carseat. What am I supposed to do? Take him out in a t-shirt in 3 degree weather, or not bother strapping him in when I take him out in the pram or car?

I really could go on and on and on... I try to gently explain to DH what they're like (they don't seem as bad in front of him) but he won't hear any criticism of them and it turns into a row. It's getting to the point where I feel sick if I know they're visiting or we're going there but I know they love DS so much so I don't try and avoid them at all.

I want them to still be a huge part of our lives and DS's but I just want them to stop with all the passive aggressive comments and hints at my parenting ability. How can I get them to do this without causing WW3 or upsetting my DH?

Feeling very sad and rubbish.

my mil isn't as bad as yours but i've started making passive aggressive comments back. i can't ignore it anymore. i can't have a confrontation about it and know it would probably result in tears and tantrums from mil so wouldn't resolve anything so i'm trying to just accept that's who she is and how she talks and can't help it. it puts a strain on my relationship with dh because i am always reluctant to see his parents.

it's not acceptable though, no matter how hormonal/tired/exhausted you are nobody should be spoken to like that. if you could say something like 'i'm sure you don't mean it but i find that really upsetting' it may be enough. it may always be like this, but not as bad, and i've found i can deal with it much better now my baby is older. the thing that helps me deal with it most is to remind myself that they can say what they want but I am the mother, it's MY baby and I call the shots!

I think you may be being very sensitive but your PILs completely lack an appreciation of how their comments affect you, so tell them. You can do so politely and calmly e.g. 'I find that remark completely inappropriate/hurtful/tactless etc etc. If they respond, 'It's only a joke,' just say that it neither sounds nor feels like it. Then talk about something else or just get on with what you are doing. So far, you do not seem to have challenged them. Your DH does not want to stand up for you so if you object to what they say, do it yourself.

OP is anyone in real life telling you that you are doing a good job, especially under very difficult circumstances? If they aren't tell, atleast dh, that is what you need. If they are and you are only hearing the tactless comments you need to try and really hear the positive.

I agree with many of the others that people say crass things like this due to age and not knowing what to say but feeling the need to say something lighthearted in stressful times - but also out of guinue love and concern for your baby (and believe it or not you - you say they aren't very demonstrative - perhaps they don't know how to say the good affirming stuff?

You will feel more confident and brush this stuff off better once you have a few more months of mothering under your belt, I bet.

(sorry about typos - ds asleep on me and I can heardly reach keyboard!)

The old issues of power and control are rearing their heads here; this is what this is all really about. Your PILs are overbearing and your H cannot or will not stand up to them with the resultant effects on you.

I would actually start limiting my contact with such people if they cannot behave and be a part of "normal" familial relations. You would not tolerate this from a friend; your H's parents are truly not different in that regard and you need to be far more assertive and set your own boundaries with regards to them. Don't stoop to their level by trying passive aggressive tactics; you are up against people who are not normal emotionally adjusted human beings so trying to beat them at their own game won't work.

Age is no excuse for such behaviours either; many people of their age do not act as crassly. My guess too is that as ILs they have always been difficult to manage. These types of issues as well come into focus too soon after a child is born.

All you can yourself do is limit contact with them. These people do not sound as if they will bring much if anything at all positive into your child's life anyway. If you do visit them you need to go together as a family i.e not him and child without you.

My guess too is that your H is afraid of his parents and as a result is unwilling or unable to pull them up on their crassness/toxic type behaviours towards you. He has also had a lifetime's conditioning from them and he does not want his bubble re his parents burst. He cannot or will not accept that his parents are actually really awful, denial is a powerful force.

Talk back through the baby.

"No darling, FIL is not an interefering old busybody, he's your Grandad. Yes he is"

"Is MIL having difficulty expressing her anxieties so taking them all out on me by talking to you? Is she? Is she? Yes!"

"What's that darling? You think I'm the most important person in the whole world? Yes you do. Yes you do"

Ad infinitum.

It's a big change in the dynamics going from PIL/DIL to Grandparents/DIL, if you were fortunate enough to have had a good relationship with PIL before then the good news is you already have a bond and know that you all like each other. The difference when baby comes along is that however well meaning they are and however much they adore you, the baby becomes the focus.
Their priority at times is their Grandchild as opposed to their Son and DILs baby boy. I'm certain they haven't never intended to cause upset or to make negative assumptions about your parenting but at the same time I don't believe you are being over sensitive rather they are not being sensitive enough towards you.
HoudiniHissy made some excellent comments. Your DH really should be on your side and should see that comments can hurt. It isn't about creating ww3, but as Houdini said if that's what happens then so be it. We've had a fair few fall outs over PIL and although initially DH didn't get my point and thought it was a 'me or them' attitude (it wasn't I just needed his support over things that bothered me, I still adore my PIL) things are a lot easier now that I know I have his backing. A big turnaround for me came when I actually had a word with my in laws...it did take 4 years of stewing, sulking and crying until I was brave enough to do it though.
If nothing else remind yourself in the hardest moments, when you are feeling low or that PIL don't think you are doing things to their standards that DS is very lucky to have so many people who love him and want what's best for him.
Congratulations on your baby boy and well done for getting through an incredibly stressful time.

Limit contact for awhile, get to know your son on your own for a bit - glad he is getting stronger xxx

Your DH needs to step up.

He doesn't need to agree with you about how he feels about their comments - but he should accept you find them upsetting and right now, that means his parents should be aware they are upsetting you. That way they can decide whether they care enough about you to change their behaviour, or not.

It could be they don't realize how hurtful you find these comments - my parents are exactly like this with my SIL and I can see it annoys her! And in your very difficult circumstances everyone should be making life as easy as possible for you.

Sit him down and tell him he doesn't have to agree his parents are doing anything bad, but that you're upset and you need him to let them know that.

Thank you so much to every single one of you who have posted - I have been pouring over your comments and they have made me feel a lot better. What I've taken so far is:

• I AM probably being a tad oversensitive so need to deal with that
• I need to think of some more effective ways to deal with the comments that sting (usually I just withdraw)
• I maybe need to speak to DH again about it

The main problem is that the PILs are older (very traditional 1950's kind of views too which aren't me!) and so different than my own parents who I've always had a very open 'say anything' kind of relationship. If my parents were annoying or upsetting me, I would bloody well say so. I don't have that kind of relationship with PILs (neither does DH) so saying something feels almost impossible. But thanks to these comments I know I can do it without being rude myself.

Lindt your PILs comments sound a lot like something mine would say. When we visit they are always saying to DS 'don't worry, daddy is just there' 'he is looking for his daddy' etc etc when DH goes out of the room - no mention of me if I do! I picked him up on my own from there the other day and MIL said to DS 'don't worry your daddy will be home soon' (he was at work). I thought 'what am I? Chopped liver?'

Thanks for some of the sharper suggestions for passive aggressive things I could say back - they have brought a smile to my face! I wouldn't dare say half of them (I don't want to upset PILs after all) but it has cheered me up no end imagining saying them

I am a grandmother and I have both a son and a daughter plus a dsd and 2 dss and a total of 9dgc.I feel your p-i-l are totally out of order.Yes we can make excuses for them but they are being cruel and thoughtless to you and are at risk of alienating you and consequently affecting their relationship with your ds.
I do feel you are being too nice,by tolerating their comments you are tacitly approving of them.You must stop accepting their undermining you-you are the baby's mum-the most important person in his life.I dont think passivity should come into it-you must tell them outright how you feel and that if they cannot stop then you will have to curtail your [and consequently the baby's] interaction with them.Your dh must be made to understand how you feel too.I am not questioning their love for their dgs but their respect for you as his mother.I would never ever say such things to one of my dd-i-l's or to my dd.Being a new mother is hard enough without people like that.
I wish you luck and hope you and your dh and baby have a happy and healthy New Year.

I don't want to upset PILs

But you´re letting them upset you....

What horrible things to say in your presence! I would be desperately upset and furious!

I agree with AttilaTheMeerkat´s advice. And please don´t start with those kind of passive-agressive remarks to your son just to get back at your ILs. That way you are teaching him that is the way to go through life. (Ugh!).

Learn to stand up to them, just call them on it in a polite way and if WW3 does eventually break out, so be it. It might change the dynamics.

I definately think you should get your husband on board. Tell him you need him to be behind you 100%.

oh sorry, that was supposed to be underlined! (keyboard doing weird stuff..).

Hi Pranma thanks for giving a MIL-eye view on this. I do swing between thinking they MUST be deliberately trying to upset me to thinking that they are simply incredibly tactless people who are a little bit conversationally inept.

I do detect a lack of consideration for me, if not a lack of respect (maybe they're one and the same thing?) - it's like the pecking order is now: DS, DH and I am not even third, just the poor mug who has been put on this earth to look after DS and DH.

This was illustrated quite well to me when DS was in SCBU. I had an emergency section as I had a massive infection and was very very poorly myself afterwards. I had to get on with it though as DS was first in Intensive Care, then SCBU and needed me. I spent 2 weeks in hospital after we was born and had 21 doses of IV antibiotic to fight the infection so felt very unwell as well as desperately worried about my son who was being subjected to a barrage of tests and treatments (lumbar puncture, blood transfusion etc).

The day after I was discharged I drove back to the hospital (not great when you're still weak and post CS) and had spent 10 hours there, expressing and caring for DS. The PILs turned up and all FIL said to me was 'you better go home and look after the other man in your life now.' Now on the one hand you could say that he was just being tactless and perhaps groping for something to say (obviously aiming for wittiness and failing miserably) but what's wrong with asking if I was ok or if there was anything they could do for me? Oh no, rather they would prefer me to get myself home (exhausted, still not walking great) and care for my husband like a good little wife. I must admit on that occasion I did say 'hmmm... On the other hand, he could always look after me.' One of the nurses stood behind PIL gave me a wink and a smile for that effort!

Ooh, sorry about that - was good to vent!

Thanks Surburbophobe - I do feel that going down the PA route is not the way to go. For a start, I have always prided being very direct in all my other relationships and I don't like the idea of expressing my views via DS e.g. "well minisnow, aren't grandma and grandad mean to poor mummy." I'd rather just say something like "sometimes the things you say lead me to think you don't think I'm a very good mum. It upsets me, so please can you consider how you say things if you don't think that." Then it doesn't shift blame to them (it's just my perception after all) and also gives them an opening to (hopefully) say that they think I'm a good mum, or at least that they don't think I'm a bad one.

The idea of doing this terrifies me though (and I'm normally so capable in RL) so would take some courage on my part.

Sorry, missing words on previous post.

Even those who have the best relationship with their inlaws pre dc, and have the simplest of births with no complications and all the help in the world and the healthiest baby, can fall out with the PIL on the arrival of a child.

I don't think it is unusual and in your situation I am not suprised that you feel so shit about their comments it is only natural, the whole experience has been scary and unusual for you and for them too. Don't get me wrong I am not defending them at all but perhaps they don't see their passive agressiveness, perhaps they don't realise they are doing it.

If it helps in anyway my MIL stopped asking how any of us apart from the dc were, incidentally so did my own mother .

Thinking back to you though, perhaps they are finding it hard to let go of the parental dynamic, up until your dc you and your dh were the children, now you are very much the adult with your own child and almost usurping their position as parents to dh. They may find this difficult in the way that they don't even realise they are doing it. Or they could just be mean.

I expect however that they are floundering in what has been a difficult time for all and that their comments (seemingly more in the hospital than at home) were their way of dealing with it, just not very well - I expect they felt as useless as you did but with the addition of not being able to protect their now adult child from this hurt. Good luck

And I do say all of that as someone who really and truly has had some blinders from my il's -

csec - you didn't give birth properly so you wouldn't know what it was like
vbac - well you wouldn't know what it is like to happen so quickly, it is so traumatic blah blah blah (all under 12 hours might add, just sent ourselves earlier to the hospital than sil)

Sorry meant there are way more but don't want to out myself as they are quite personal and recognisable but more about my personal appearance and that of the dc's etc

Thanks Figgy, we don't get asked about now at all either - I feel like I don't exist sometimes, but I'd rather my parents and PILs loved and cared about DS than not so try not to let it bother me.

I also think that you have a point about the changing roles in the family, we were the children and now we're the parents and they move up a tier to the next level. MIL is also a very dominant matriarch (what she says GOES in their family) and she is notoriously blunt e.g. She rings and when I answer doesn't even say 'hi' just 'is (DH) there?', also very abrupt (will tell you to 'get out of the way' if you're stood in front of the fridge and she wants something for example).

My DH says that's 'just what she's like' and that she's always been that way. She is like that with him too but that whole attitude is just alien to me. I don't understand why it's hard just to show someone common courtesy and manners - it's not like it costs anything or expends loads more energy. To me it's rudeness but of course DH doesn't think so.

First of all congratulations on the birth of your son

I think your PIL mean well and in their tactless way think they are helping you. I totally sympathise with your situation because, as a new mother, you feel so vulnerable. Every comment feels like an implied criticism. I know how you feel because my MIL used to comment on how I did things. I'm sure that some of it was because she had brought up 3 children and knew what she was doing. What annoyed my though was the constant "in my day" etc, etc. Most of the things she did "in her day" are now out of date or considered dangerous. I used to get really wound up about it. Looking back I realise that I was easy to wind up because I was tired and hormonal.

As your son grows bigger and you get more confident you will find it easier to deal with.

Figgy grrr on your behalf for those comments, not what you need at all. How is your relationship with your IL now?

I do feel for you I really do, you MIL sounds like she is just like that and always has been. DH's family are obviously used to it but it is hard entering into that. Perhaps you just have to go with it? Even though its annoying?

My MIL I do think quite likes me now, although we have our ups and downs I would never be outright rude to her, and she favours other gc way more than ours but so be it. What upsets me a lot is that she often says something (post a vino!) that is truly not thoughtout. My parents are a little older and she suggested to me that they shouldn't get themselves a dog as it would outlive them..............as dh says Mouth open, brain not engaged. I don't think she meant it to hurt me as such but that was a clanger and a half

Bunbaker thanks. She's done it twice so does know about babies, although I'd say I'm still the authority on DS despite that

I too get the 'in my day' stuff although I don't mind that so much because I do see that as trying to help/ share knowledge. She will (for example) comment about me putting DS on his back but accepts it when I explain about the Back to Back stuff/ SIDS link. She knows a lot has changed since she was looking after a baby and I know that all the advice will have probably changed again by the time I'm in her shoes.

Ouch Figgy, the comments about your parents would certainly sting. That is upsetting and rude - did she apologise for it?

I also think I would have a hard time if they clearly favoured other GC but they are very fair so I can't imagine that at all.