Feel criticised at every turn by PILS after baby. Is this normal? (v.long)

[Snowboarder]

I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. I have ben with DH for 10 years, married 2. After lots of health problems on my part where my fertility was put into question, and IVF we finally had a much longed for DS who was born 3 months prematurely.

Up until DS's birth I would have said I had a good relationship with my PILS, although they are not as warm and demonstrative as my own parents (never ask how I am for example). The minute DS was born (their first grandchild) things seemed to change and I have lost count of the times I have been in tears about things they have said to me. A few examples:

• FIL remarked that DS 'definitely knew his gran' but asked me if I thought he knew who I was (I was at the hospital every day for between 10-12 hours as was trying to breastfeed and was desperately worried about our bond being affected - it was the worst thing he could have said to me)
• when DS was very tiny in hospital (around 3lb) I wanted to do as much care for him as the nurses would allow. One showed me how to turn him over one morning and after I'd done his nappy later that day (and PILs had been watching and commenting at everything) I'd got so flustered i'd forgotten to do it. The nurse popped in for something and said to me 'oh, you haven't turned him, do you want me to do it?' FIL said to the nurse 'what's she done wrong now?' I cried after they'd left for about 2 hours.
• They would come and observe me changing DS' nappy and in a really passive agressive way say to DS 'is mummy being cruel to you?'
• nothing is right for them, they constantly remark that DS is too warm or doesn't like being strapped in his pram, or carseat. What am I supposed to do? Take him out in a t-shirt in 3 degree weather, or not bother strapping him in when I take him out in the pram or car?

I really could go on and on and on... I try to gently explain to DH what they're like (they don't seem as bad in front of him) but he won't hear any criticism of them and it turns into a row. It's getting to the point where I feel sick if I know they're visiting or we're going there but I know they love DS so much so I don't try and avoid them at all.

I want them to still be a huge part of our lives and DS's but I just want them to stop with all the passive aggressive comments and hints at my parenting ability. How can I get them to do this without causing WW3 or upsetting my DH?

Feeling very sad and rubbish.

I also find small doses better than long periods of time, and think that MIL is terribly insecure or just a little bit stupid. Makes me feel better anyway and dh is more onside that he was before, however that is because she has done some truly stupid things emotionally which again I won't go into but at one point dh told her she couldn't come to our wedding as he had had enough.

That being said, we spent christmas with them and everyone is still alive! I find a bit of alcohol helps and I have a bil who I just sit and giggle with, we now have an understanding that we back each other up where possible!

So snowboarder do you feel any better about your il's now? Honestly I have my moments with mine but the problems I feel are mine with them, it is my jealousy about the favouring of the gc, my mother probably favours my gc as she sees them more and knows them better, same for mil, some comments are fueled as she gets plastered after just opening the bottle, and sometimes she does the trying to impress me (I think because she thinks I think she is stupid ) but gets it wrong because she isn't quite as intellingent as moi!

And I am not as mean as I sound, and do quite like them now as I have put together instructions over the past 10 years on how they work

I think you have been through a lot and you sound like an amazing mum.

I think there is something really important to note here. Whilst a 'is mummy being cruel to you' comment might be passable on a small baby, it will most definiately not wash when the child is older. In fact, such tactless passing comments could, just by chance, one day, be heard by someone else.... and then it becomes a safeguarding issue. Nip it in the bud. It's a mindset from them to your child that's being formed, and they need to know that it's inappropriate.

What would happen, when the child becomes older, when the child is at school, and goes in and says 'my granny/gradad says that my mum is cruel to me' or another seemingly 'tactless' comment? Not good. I am telling you, in my children's school, they take these comments incredibly seriously.

By the way - you do sound like you're amazing! Keep up the good work!

i think you need to learn to let most of these comments go and pick up on any particularly thoughtless ones as i don't think they realise, honestly, or mean it badly. you have understandably not got much self confidence with this lark right now, the usual advice to 'fake it' with self confidence till you feel it is often right.

with the 'is mummy being cruel to you changing your nappy' - i'd just laugh and say 'yes, i'm sure he'd much rather sit in a wet/dirty nappy '

with something that makes you feel bad, i'd have a quiet word along the lines of 'it feels like you keep criticising my parenting even though i'm sure i'm doing as well as any new mum, it's quite upsetting really'.

The crucial thing IMO is getting DH to support you and understand your point of view. If he doesn't then anything you do say to PIL may also upset him and it'd be awful to get the nerve up to say something and then for it to feel like 3 against 1. MIL doesn't sound too nice at all with her blunt and cutting remarks, I hope she has a hidden softer side somewhere.

I would like to give your father-in-law a very Hard Stare for the 'what's she done wrong now' comment. Very rude and undermining indeed.

You are definitely not being oversensitive - your PILs are being insensitive & tactless in their uncalled-for and unnecessary comments.

I agree with the MN classic - "Did you mean that to sound so rude?" question.

Easier said than done, but you don't need to stand for it. And insist your DH supports you too, as he should.

I had a prem baby and had a very similar experience to you with my mother-in-law. So much so I had angry butterflies reading your post.

The way she was with me at the worst time of my life just made me realise that if it were any other relationship, i would not have it in my life. DS2 was very sick and she was the straw that broke the camel's back. Yes, I was raw and over-sensitive, but if someone cannot see that then they're not worth getting upset about.

I am 2 years down the line and this is the way I handle it. I know her and I don't have any expectations of her. I expect remarks like you have experienced and now they are water off a duck's back. I try harder with her. I know she wants to spend time with her son so I take myself off or encourage them to go places together (she visits from overseas). It's a win-win because I don't have to see her so much.

I would be happier if I felt she cared more for her grand children or wanted to spend time with them. Maybe that's a positive you can build on for the future. The more people with that kind of love for our DCs can only be a good thing.

I will never forgive my MIL for the way she acted but I think we both showed our true colours. I coped with a horrible situation - I was never rude or unkind to her - and she was selfish and lacking in compassion.

Sorry this is long but also want to add - you need to find a way of talking to DH about how it makes you feel without it becoming an argument. I hid how I was feeling from DH because it's his mum and he loves her. It was only when I managed to explain in a calm, rational way about how I was feeling that things got better.

You sound like a straightforward upfront type. I'd say go with your own instinct to be straightforward and upfront to the PILs. The point isn't really why they are doing it (are they trying to undermine you? are they just supremely tactless?). The point is how it makes you feel.

So tell them how you feel.
"Look PIL, I know I may be a bit oversensitive and hormonal but when you say jokey comments like that but I feel as if you are saying I am a rubbish mum. The period when ds was in hopsital was very difficult for me because I was so worried about bonding and your comments make me feel unhappy and unconfident."

I must be a mean sister because I never ask how my sisters are doing. I and everyone in my family asks how the babies are doing. My sisters don't take offense because they always launch into a gazillion cute things their kids have been up to and we all lap it up because we adore them. They know that we won't roll our eyes at how proud they are of their kids. With other folks, they have to be a bit more careful because they don't want to come off as bragging or precious.

My sisters with children just roll their eyes at all the needless advice that our mom and their MILs give them. They do take some of the advice but they discard more of them. However annoying mom and the MILs can be, my sisters know that they would rather have loving grandparents than indifferent ones. So they take the good with the bad because the good outweighs the bad every day and twice on Sunday.