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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So we are lying on the bed, just messing about..

53 replies

Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 18:43

and I say to Dh.. "would you like me to give you a little suck?"

"no you are alright"

So I ask him why he never gives me any oral sex...

"nothing really in it for me is there" said in a joking way

Our sex life is a shambles. He has impotence problems that he has been to the doctor for but have not been resolved. You'd think he would be keen to try other things but he's not and never has been.

So fucking angry.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 31/12/2011 18:46

Is there more to this? I can see why you would be frustrated at a lack of sex but I would imagine the impotence isn't voluntary and it's a very good thing that your DH has gone to the doctor about it. A lot of people would rather be boiled alive than talk about sexual problems with a professional. The comment he made about oral sex wasn't great but I don't think it's fair for you to expect him to go down on you if he's not in the mood. Are there other issues in your relationship?

Original poster

Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 18:54

Medical help hasn't resulted in anything other than a referral to the hospital as his foreskin may be too tight.

He doesn't want to have sex with me, and isn't interested in doing anything else to try and satisfy me.

He doesn't give a shit. He isn't interested in sex with me, or anyone else, even if he could have a hard on from now until next Christmas.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 31/12/2011 18:56

So he has no sex drive at all? Well, that happens to a lot of people. It's not his duty to satisfy you no matter how he feels.

joblot · 31/12/2011 18:58

and what exactly is in a blowjob for you? what a selfish man

troisgarcons · 31/12/2011 18:59

Perhaps, as he has erectile dysfunction he's saving your feelings by avoiding you going down on him, knowing he wont get an erection.

He isn't interested in sex with me, or anyone else, so hes not being deliberately offensive you then is he, seeing as you know he cant get an erection.

He has impotence problems that he has been to the doctor for but have not been resolved.

how much more do you need to humiliate him?

Original poster

Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 19:00

So what am I supposed to do?

OP posts:

Foxinsocks · 31/12/2011 19:01

I think a lot of men with impotence become totally focused on themselves. Although for most women this seems completely wrong, for some godforsaken reason, it seems to work that way for men. Most men's hard ons and cocks are so interlinked to their egos, they find it hard to separate the two so when that part stops functioning, it's like they go into shutdown mode and focus on anything that works for them. Have also noticed how they won't try stuff because they get worried they won't 'respond' and they will feel even more down about the whole issue.

Original poster

Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 19:02

I don't want to humiliate him, I just want us to have sone sort of sex life, even if it isn't full penetrative sex.

He can get hard, but looses it upon penetration. He can orgasm through masturbation.

OP posts:

ladyintheradiator · 31/12/2011 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzabadger · 31/12/2011 19:07

I guess your options are:

Sex therapy (you could start by buying a book on it and maybe try sensate focus)
Ask him whether he's OK with you having sex outside the relationship
Leave him

Original poster

Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 19:09

Yes I love him and he loves me too, but this is becoming more and more of an issue, and I'm not sure I can go on like this for the next 30 years.

1 dc aged 5

OP posts:

Foxinsocks · 31/12/2011 19:09

It is v frustrating for the woman. Don't be too hard (no pun intended) on yourself.

Work on what will stop you getting frustrated. Communicate it to him and ask him to help you. Remember he will be worried that you will want him to do something he can't so make sure you are not setting him up to fail. Ie do something nice for yourself but make it clear that what you will do for him won't involve him needing to be hard (like wanking him off or a bj or something).

RandomMess · 31/12/2011 19:13

How often does he masturbate?

troisgarcons · 31/12/2011 19:17

Does he havve BP or a heart condition - that might be undiagnosed?

JenniferEight · 31/12/2011 19:18

Ok when did this all start?

Is it fairly recent, can you pinpoint a time when it began?

JenniferEight · 31/12/2011 19:18

diabetes is also possible cause

maleview70 · 31/12/2011 19:21

Has he always been fairly lacklustre in his approach to sex? If so he may just not be that interested in it, hence the problems.

Some people just dont want sex as much as others.

FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 19:24

I feel for you, maybe sex just does not interest him, most men like to give pleasure and get turned on by turning a woman on by hearing her moan.

I couldn't be with someone who was as selfish as your partner, and I'd never be with someone who didn't like oral sex.

Original poster

Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 19:25

No medical condition that we know of.

He doesn't masturbate unless I do, and nit every time.

I'm just so fed up of being rejected. There is nothing physical between us, no gropes, no talk no nothing.

OP posts:

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 31/12/2011 19:27

Selfish twat! He obviously doesn't care about you, if he thinks giving oral sex is pointless. You could have a mutually satisfying non penetrative sex life if he could be arsed with it but he can't. No way would I accept this.

Foxinsocks · 31/12/2011 19:28

Have you told him that directly?

troisgarcons · 31/12/2011 19:29

YOu arent rejected - its just him - if you were rejected he would be with-holding - he isn't - he just can't.

Sooooooooo we have to find out why. Make another Drs ppt and go with him. Men are reluctant to talk to Drs anyway, much less that they can't 'do the bizz'.

Frankly ladies - if you had a low libido and your DH suggested giving him a blow job for satisfactory needs, there would be a complete melt down on what a bastard he is.

maleview70 · 31/12/2011 19:31

Has it pretty much always been like that though or have things changed?

Original poster

Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 19:36

Our sex life at the moment is basically me masturbating myself with him lying next to me grabbing at my nipples a bit. That's it. As much as I get. As much as he is prepared to offer.

OP posts:

Olbasoil · 31/12/2011 19:37

Has he had his Testosterone ( I think thats how you spell it ) levels checked. What about your child...is he the father?
My Dh had problems but his was a mixture of a lot of things.

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