Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So we are lying on the bed, just messing about..

53 replies

Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 18:43

and I say to Dh.. "would you like me to give you a little suck?"

"no you are alright"

So I ask him why he never gives me any oral sex...

"nothing really in it for me is there" said in a joking way Hmm

Our sex life is a shambles. He has impotence problems that he has been to the doctor for but have not been resolved. You'd think he would be keen to try other things but he's not and never has been.

So fucking angry.

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 31/12/2011 19:39

Feeling rejected is understandable but incorrect. As trois says - he's not rejecting you. He's just unable to respond.
'prepared to offer' ?

Plenty of women have low libido and I agree the response would never be that she should 'perform' for her partner or that she is not offering more?

You do need to consider if this is tolerable for you long term, because if it isn't... you will just erode his sense of self worth by staying with him and resenting. Alternatively talk to him about how it makes you feel and what you would like for you as a couple then work from there?

RandomMess · 31/12/2011 19:42

It could all be psyhcological, I had a friend in a similar situation, nothing from him for years and years and years - although he had untreated sleep apnoea which means exhaustion could have been a factor. He'd always had a low/non existant drive and the dr had ruled out physical problems.

We've drifted apart so no idea if they are in the same situation.

ThatVikRinA22 · 31/12/2011 19:42

would he be up for sex therapy? after the gp has done what they need to do for his impotence i mean?

sex starts in the brain....sounds like he is shunning the whole idea, you need to find out why.

RandomMess · 31/12/2011 19:43

I have to say the lack of intimacy would be a killer for me, I know my self esteem would be in tatters.

HattiFattner · 31/12/2011 19:53

i think you should look at the bigger picture

You know he loves you
His comment was insensitive, but you acknowlege it was said as a joke.

Maybe you need to start building intimacy through affection without expectation of sex at the end of it. So plenty of cuddles and snuggles and snogging, without pressure to perform. Once you have reestablished, for him, that you love him despite his inability to perform, maybe you would be able to move on to some sex therapy. Right now its sounds like you are angry and he is anxious and neither one of you can move past the giant elephant in the room. You cannot move past this until you have re-established the loving communication and regard. Your anger will not fix this.

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 20:00

The doctor reckons his foreskin is too tight which means there is a lack of feeling upon penetration causing him to loose erection, which is possibly why he isn't interested. Chicken and egg situation.

There is loads of stuff that we could try but he just isn't arsed. It's like he thinks because he doesn't want it then I don't either.

I think sex therapy would be a good idea.

We tried Viagra recently, it didn't work Sad

He isn't interested in building up intimacy. I have tried. We have gone back to basics, tried other things but he just isn't arsed.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/12/2011 20:04

Well the not being arsed is an issue.

If the not being arse to build intimacy is a deal breaker then you need to tell him that.

Foxinsocks · 31/12/2011 20:10

You have to tell him how this is making you feel. He may be assuming that you can't be arsed either.

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/12/2011 20:12

Well for me if he wasn't interested in sorting this out it unfortunately would be a deal breaker for me.

Either he takes steps to sort it out however embarassing this may be or he'll end up losing you.

And I would say the same if the sexes were reversed.

troisgarcons · 31/12/2011 20:19

Intimacy isnt about 'sex'. Are other aspects of your relationship good? do you talk? communicate generally?

There is more to life than sex.

The only reason I asked about heart/BP etc is becausemy husband hasa whole gamut of medical problems (several heart attacks, HBP, diabetes, cholestrol) and the drug combo he takes can take it's toll. you . Fortunately we still have day-to-day and mental intimacy, but I have to pick my moments for the physical.

I have to look aghast at women who think lack of sex is a deal breaker. To me that shows a great deal of emotional immaturity and inability to help a loved one through troubled times.

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/12/2011 20:25

Troisgarcons - it would be if he wasn't prepared to sort it out that would be a dealbreaker.

Also being brutally honest and selfish - I wouldn't relish the thought of no sex for the next 40 years - not sure this makes me immature.

RandomMess · 31/12/2011 20:27

Dh and I have suffered with emotional intimacy issues and it has nearly finished us off.

I agree it's not about having sex it's about the being there for each other that really matters and to me having someone who "can't be arsed" is what would be the deal breaker - as it nearly has been.

If you have zero intimacy (ie emotional/mental/physical (even if it's just cuddles)) then your relationship will collapse at some point.

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 20:39

I just want to feel wanted and attractive. Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/12/2011 20:42

Have you told him that, have you explained how rubbish it is making you feel?

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/12/2011 20:44

I agree with Random - have you really talked about this and how it makes you feel?

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 20:48

Yes he knows. We argue talk about it every few months. It doesn't cone naturally to him, he isn't big on public displays of affection, he will try for a week or two then it's back to "normal"

Never tells me I look good or that he fancies me or anything

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/12/2011 20:48

Something has to change otherwise you are ripe for an affair of somesort.

RandomMess · 31/12/2011 20:49

It doesn't have to be public Confused

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 20:52

No, I know it doesn't have to be public, I meant he isn't one for displaying emotion/feelings at all. Ever. Never

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 20:52

Random. Yes, you are right. Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/12/2011 20:56

All I can suggest is couple therapy he needs to learn to open up to you emotionally.

TBH if he isn't prepared to do that then I would leave as relationship breakdown is inevitable - best to leave without it being because of an affair.

I really feel for you feeling unwanted and unattractive is horrible and it isn't about not having a physical relatioship us humans are more complicated than that.

chubbasmum · 31/12/2011 20:58

sounds like he needs a simple procedure - circumcision - suggest it to him and see your gp it has helped most of my patients :) , he might be finding sex painful because of his tight foreskin but its no excuse not to indulge in abit of foreplay

Original poster
Fuckedupagain · 31/12/2011 21:05

Chubba. The dr has referred him, and has mentioned circumcision, we are waiting on appointment from the hospital. I was a bit Hmm that it could be a problem, esp at 45. It would be good if it did make things better for him, although I fear that our relationship may be irreparable by then. Everytime he rejects me, every month that goes by without any intimacy a piece of me dies inside. Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/12/2011 21:11

Big hugs, I've been there (like I said emotional issues rather than lack of sex ones) and huge pieces of me died. I have grieved for everything we had, I've been angry, I've been heartbroken, I've viewed my relationship differently decided to make the best of what it has been co-parenting under the farce of a relationship.

At the 11th hour "d"h as had a u turn but omg the damage that has occured in the meantime.

Please for your own sanity do something.

chubbasmum · 31/12/2011 21:25

OP big hug coming your way and im glad things are hopefully going to be sorted hang in there because he sounds like a good man

Swipe left for the next trending thread