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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So angry with husband, just wanted to vent anonymously, sorry!

75 replies

mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 17:50

Sorry to be out of spirit on New Year's Eve, but just wanted to rant about my husband.

We've been discussing whether to have 3rd child, aired full views today ie no good solution, danger of permanent resentment etc, on both sides, and I finally accepted we wouldn't.

At this point I'd expect some sensitivity to the fact I'm feeling bereft (heart set on 3rd and very sad) but instead, because his dad is moving house and he's upset about loss of 'family home' (though it isn't really and never has been that), he has now stormed off because I was a bit down in the mouth, leaving me trapped in with the children, and judging on past experience, will go and stay at a friend's (no doubt enjoying a child- and wife-free evening of beer), and will not answer his phone. Last time he finally phoned two days later.

I want to be adult in front of the children but feel like being sick and throwing things! Not helping that it's New Year's.

Any speedy tips on not breaking down in front of the children? Achieving zen calm in 2 minutes? Anything helpful?

Thanks.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 31/12/2011 17:52

'trapped in with the children'

You'd be more trapped, and trapped for longer, with a third!

SuePurblybilt · 31/12/2011 17:53

Goodness, how convenient he gets to storm off for a night on the beer. On NYE and all Hmm.

Zen tips? Have a cup of tea, stick on a kids DVD and either have a bath, a ranty phone call to someone out of their earshot or rant on MN.

Eglu · 31/12/2011 17:55

He will disappear for 2 days and not be in contact. Why do you even want to be married to this man, nevermind have another baby with him.

He sounds a complete arse.

troisgarcons · 31/12/2011 17:56

You want to have more children with someone who goes incommunicado? I think you have your third child already in your DH.

For someone who is trapped in with the children, why do you want another one?

There thats the hard line done and dusted.

Lovvie, be grateful you have two adorable children. Take it from me, three upset the equilibrium - so you'd need a fourth to balance it all out Grin. that may or maynot be in your plans Grin.

You cannot force someone to be a father against their will. And he's probably right in this economic climate and times of uncertainly.

Kristingle · 31/12/2011 17:57

Ahem, not very sympathetic reponse to the op

Of course yiu are pissed off, if he has disappreared leaving you on your own with the kids for new years eve. Totally out of order. Im a but concrned about you saying last time he did this he was away for two days and didnt even contcat you

This is NOT normal behaviour for a grown man with a wife and two kids. Does he have a drink problem?

Kristingle · 31/12/2011 17:59

Sorry my first comment was directed at olympia. Thread moved too fast!

TheProvincialLady · 31/12/2011 17:59

He does sound like a tosser. I would relieve the frustration by taking it out on his personal belongings.

SuePurblybilt · 31/12/2011 17:59

I read the 'trapped' bit as that he got to storm off and offload on his mate, she was stuck looking after the children. Not trapped as a SAHM or with a third child.

GypsyMoth · 31/12/2011 17:59

Responses really don't have to be sympathetic kristingle

You have said pretty much what the rest of us said anyway!!!

tb · 31/12/2011 18:05

Sorry, but it sounds as if you've already got a third 'child' your not so 'd'h.

On a more helpful note, have something nice to eat that you and the dc like, but that he doesn't, and watch your favourite film together. After they're in bed, have a long soak in the bath with the last of the Christmas chocs and an early night.

Kristingle · 31/12/2011 18:05

I just said the thread moved so fast. I x posted

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 31/12/2011 18:07

What would he do if you stormed off for 2 days leaving him with the kids and not answering the phone?

Original poster
mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 18:09

Yes, I know I shouldn't say trapped in! I love my children and have a great time with them most of the time, but reserve the right to be a bit antsy every now and again! Have none of you ever felt negative about your beloveds? It's more that we live in the country and have to drive to get anywhere, so if he doesn't come back then I won't be able to get milk or whatever (not so much the kids!).

And yes, it might not be the ideal time to have a baby, but biological urges don't take note of that!

Thanks for the general slagging off of my husband - occasionally, like now, he is a complete arse! But actually we generally get on really well, share values etc, so just wanted get it off my chest without having to defend him ifywim.

troisgarcons, I'd stop at three - I was one of three and it worked really well. But you're right, I can't and wouldn't want to force him. But you know that urge? It's strong, and as a reasonably competent and loving mother, I just know in my heart it woukd work. Very difficult to let go of that in favour of economic argument. It feels like I'd be trading a (admittedly only potenntial!) child for maybe, 30 grand - or whatever it costs. Just doesn't seem right to me right now.

SuePurblybilt, thanks for the practical tips - kids to bed, good book, tea and chocolate it is.

OP posts:
SittingBull · 31/12/2011 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 18:13

Yes, i know it seems awful on paper, and maybe it is. But it doesn't seem bad to me to want to go off - we look after the kids full time, through choice and lack of grandparents, and it is intensive. I don't mind him going out in a huff every now and again but why doesn't he just text to say he's going to stay out or whatever?

It isn't as bad as it clearly seems, reading your responses generally, but it is annoying.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 31/12/2011 18:15

you could always get the locks changed Grin

now that would be funny in two days time when he turns up and tries to get in the house...

lisaro · 31/12/2011 18:17

Nobody should have a child that isn't wanted by one parent, or force someone else to have a child. BUT - this sounds like if this hadn't come up the argument to allow him to storm out and have fun was already in the process of being manufactured re the house sale. There's a precedent for it - is this how you want to carry on living your life?

ClaraSage · 31/12/2011 18:19

His storming off is worrying and really not acceptable. He obviously is not taking his share of responsibility for the children. And to leave you alone on NYE is very, very unfair of him.

Chubfuddler · 31/12/2011 18:19

I think the father of your children disappearing for two days is as bad as it seems actually. What do you tell them when they ask where he is? Or when he's coming back?

troisgarcons · 31/12/2011 18:19

Have none of you ever felt negative about your beloveds?

daily Grin

But you know that urge/

No, fraid not! I am the most least maternal woman you will ever meet .... my idea of hell is short people under the age of about 14 Grin but my DH wanted three children, so three he got. Even he's scratching his head now wondering if it was the most brilliant idea he ever had!

Seriously though. I wouldnt be without any of them. I ponder the fact all the time what life would have been like without them/fewer/more of them and am in awe of those well scrubbed families I seem to encounter who have no obvious SN; are civilised, dont fight and have table manners Grin

BUT I will be a fantastic grandmother. But that better not happen for at least five twenty years.

Kristingle · 31/12/2011 18:20

You might only find it annoying but seriously, its not normal

Normal resonsible partners do have rows. One might even strom off and go to their mates /pib/relatives. Who then give them a drink/coffeee and tell them they afe being an arse and to text or call. Then they sneak off home , pickimg up soem flowers/bottle of wine/carry out on the way home. And have make up sex

They dont dispapear for two days while their partner/kids dont knnow if they arealive or dead. What age is he? Does he have a drink problem?

BertieBotts · 31/12/2011 18:28

Okay, fine, going off for a couple of days to get a break, but do you ever get the chance to? And agree it's very off for him to (a) do it at such short notice, (b) do it as a direct response to being pissed off and (c) not to be in contact at all. Don't the children get upset?

He might not be an arse all the time but that doesn't excuse this particular bit of arse behaviour!

Original poster
mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 18:31

Ok, good to know this isn't normal!

Thanks ClaraSage, it does feel very unfair. He clearly has issues. But who doesn't? I don't want to defend him actually but feel I have to. He is great most of the time. Just sometimes, like this, he behavers stupidly. I can be guilty of stupid behaviour myslef, though not on this level.

I'd love to do something vindictive and vengeful to make myself feel better! But in my experience, the relief is short-term - better to fantasize about it, then get on with looking after the kids, tidying up etc. And tbh this is like my revenge. I don't like to slag him off and he'd be horrified to think I'd posted like this.

troisgarcons, you're brave to have three and not be maternal - how do you manage it?!?

I deal with the children kindly and say he's gone to stay with a friend because he's cross and needs some time out. I don't share my concerns about his safety/tantrums, they aren't old enough for that!

OP posts:
Original poster
mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 18:34

Ok he has just texted to say where he is, so def an improvement on last time!

OP posts:
Vicky0790 · 31/12/2011 18:37

My dh has done this for years now Angry he goes to stay at his sisters in her lovely big house, which at least I know to be true as brought it up several times on Christmas day. I have 4 the older 2 from ex dh, it is stressful but as several of you have said I don't get to do it, op does your dh say he's finished with you when he goes?