So angry with husband, just wanted to vent anonymously, sorry!

[mumstrosity]

Sorry to be out of spirit on New Year's Eve, but just wanted to rant about my husband.

We've been discussing whether to have 3rd child, aired full views today ie no good solution, danger of permanent resentment etc, on both sides, and I finally accepted we wouldn't.

At this point I'd expect some sensitivity to the fact I'm feeling bereft (heart set on 3rd and very sad) but instead, because his dad is moving house and he's upset about loss of 'family home' (though it isn't really and never has been that), he has now stormed off because I was a bit down in the mouth, leaving me trapped in with the children, and judging on past experience, will go and stay at a friend's (no doubt enjoying a child- and wife-free evening of beer), and will not answer his phone. Last time he finally phoned two days later.

I want to be adult in front of the children but feel like being sick and throwing things! Not helping that it's New Year's.

Any speedy tips on not breaking down in front of the children? Achieving zen calm in 2 minutes? Anything helpful?

Thanks.

So he couldn't find a better offer at this late stage. Wake up, Smell real life.

A friend of mine persuaded her DH to go for number three- and got triplets!

I'm a mum of three - and I think I can say with some certainty that two is ideal. Can't honestly remember my rationale behind wanting a third, but I know I had to talk Dh into it

Thanks for the thoughts on a third. It's so personal isn't it! Of course, I would not force him and he would need to be happy about it. I do know a few people who have three, more who have two, some happy and some not. I think there are lots of variables.

This is the second time I've posted on MN in a wobbly moment and both times the response has been mixed - many people post thoughtfully, to give advice or offer sympathy or their own experiences. Thanks to all of you who did this, it got me through a nasty evening in the same way phoning a friend would have done, it's much appreciated.

Other people seem only too eager to advise someone they don't know, based on a few paragraphs, to break up their family, and don't lose the opportunity to show off how perfect their life is. Then some of them inadvertently betray what it really must be like, by judging someone they don't know by their own standards. To these people, I'm sure some of you do it with the best of intentions, but perhaps you should consider before posting so harshly. I'm secure and happy in my relationship, third child or no, husband in a temper occasionally or no, and am not affected by your poisonous words. Others may not be so strong-minded.

(Having reread what I first posted, I can see why you might think that, but it was an ill-tempered rant on my part!)

I defended my husband because he isn't a mass murderer or child abuser, he just had an off moment, went off for a few hours and came back with a sincere apology. I'm happy to say he behaved like a idiot last night and really made me angry, not that he's an awful father who deserves to lose his family! Actually the overreaction is quite funny.

Anyway, sorry for the essay, all fine now, thanks for the genuine thoughts and help from most of you, all the best.

If you don't like the responses, don't invite them. You're misdirecting your anger by pointing it at mners.

Chubfuddler, I don't think posters have to like all the responses they get. I appreciated your posts, and I'm not angry with you, or anyone else who's taken the time to post. I am responding, like in a conversation, to some slightly disturbing (imho) posts. You're entitled to post whatever you like, and you made some fair points. However, I do think people should hesitate before stating, categorically, that someone they don't know is a bad father and should thrown out! Nothing more heavy than that .

Sort of unrelated i guess, my exH disappeared for two days once. Incommunicado. It was hell.

The following year he disappeared for three days.

The penultimate year of our marriage he disappeared for five days. I had complete meltdown. He came back sincerely sorry and in tears.

He eventually disappeared altogether. To Thailand. Leaving me with a six month old son and no money. He never returned.

If I ever have a relationship again (highly unlikely) if the 'man' disappeared and switched his bloody phone off, even if for a few hours, I would indeed call a locksmith and a lawyer and he'd be history.

Happy new Year. Glad he came back - are you sure he didn't see this thread on his iphone and pick up the tip posted earlier about bringing a bottlw of wine back with his sorry arse face?

Sorry, that sounds awful. I can see why you'd have zero tolerance.

I think he realised that it isn't acceptable to do that, and I do believe in people changing and improving, so am happy to let the two day thing slip into the past. And no, he's not read it on mn - just from his conscience I guess! Or his friend as Chubfuddler said.

Happy New Year to you too.

Glad you sorted it out mumstrosity!

I wish you the best, OP. Your H must understand that it is not acceptable to storm off and leave you with the DCs. Next time he ges angry and needs some space suggest he goes for a walk for 20 mins or so. Otherwise, it is an unequal relationship with you at the mercy of his temper.

The reason why the OP feels she has had to defend her husband is because of the very unhelpful 'judgements' coming from some posters. How do you think it makes somebody feel to see their chosen partner called names? To have the relationship as described by the OP, picked apart and the OP criticsed for not immediately leaping in to do what a random on a chatboard tells her to? There's a way of saying things, surely, that make the same point without making somebody vulnerable feel like crap, no?

MN is a great place to rant and sometimes, very occasionally, it's supportive with gems of great advice. It's also the playground of some posters with their own axes to grind who get some sort of pleasure out of making somebody feel worse than they do. It's really obvious, by the way...

could you expand a bit wardrobe? What's obvious? are you the OP?

No, I'm not, UnlikelyAmazonian. This isn't a long thread, the posts are there if you read them. OP comes here for a 'vent' and is made to feel that her life decisions, choices are 'all wrong', that she's a mug of the highest order.

If you've been with him since you were only 23 then you probably don't have much to compare him to, keep that in mind when you are rating how good a DP/DF he is.

Fwiw at 32 you have plenty of time to meet, fall in love, get married and have a 3rd child with someone who deserves you.

its a difficult situation OP - i guess you just got to grateful you have had the good firtune to bear two children - i have two also and would like a third aswell - but i know quite a few people who havent been able to have any! its not easy i know but if your dh is adament he doesnt want anymore then you are going to have to find some way of accepting this. can you find another outlet for your maternal urges? regarding some of the other 'advice' you have been given - ie. end your marrige wtf! totally brainless imo - you know i would love to see what these women's husbands are like - do they always please them, do as they are told, were perfect in every form and every way when they met?? i suspect not since they are male and human - i agree with a lot of what you have said - youre in your early 30s with two kids - sorry but why would you want to end all that because your husband has taken off for a second time after a discussion about a deeply emotove issue. so he didnt call last time - people make mistakes. divorce divorce divorce - thats all i see on here - i would advise anyone to be taken for a mug but i absolutely do not believe one should divorce over petty silly behaviours - that will eradicate itself with time - good luck with everything OP!

would not

Hogmanayhoneyblossom what a deeply patronising post - i am sure the OP has enough brain power to asertain if he is a 'good husband' - are you suggesting she needs to get married a few times in order for her opinion to be a valid one? what utter nonsense

Thanks LyingWitchInTheWardrobe you're right that I just wanted to get an issue off my chest - no question of divorce! Just a hiccup along the way of what I hope will and expect will be a lasting relationship. I will just politely disregard posters who are ott next time!

ClaraSage, I agree, and it's something I've addressed with him this morning whilst calm, and he knows it isn't ok. I think he can storm out for an hour or two with a reassurance (albeit a curt text or whatever!) that he'll be back and is just having some time out.

Thanks andthatwasthat, I think it was a bad day and he felt he had to give an answer, when really we could just hang back and wait to make this decision. If not, as you say, two beautiful children is a great place to be. I hope you too get the third, or an acceptance of two if not.

I am very glad you're happy Op. You love your husband and have two children and would dearly like a third. . Maybe in a few years your husband will change his mind - as someone else said (and I didnt read it as patronising at all?? ) you are both still young actually. I had my son when I was 43.

I still think if he fucks off incommunicado (and, just as a small reminder, here is how you phrased it *he has now stormed off because I was a bit down in the mouth, leaving me trapped in with the children, and judging on past experience, will go and stay at a friend's (no doubt enjoying a child- and wife-free evening of beer), and will not answer his phone. Last time he finally phoned two days later") he needs a bloody good kick up the arse. Next time he needs time out, I suggest you fake a heart-attack. and see what social services think of your husband when you explain that he had disappeared for two days because he was in a strop. Fit to look after your dc?

No no no I have suddenly seen the light. OP, where do you live? I fancy a child-free evening and a few beers in town. Can I leave my dc with you? You sound up for that. [books taxi]

Andthatwasthat- no it wasn't!

It is a valid point that the op is still young, has time to have a 'second' family and maybe doesn't have much experience of other relationships.

Thanks UnlikelyAmazonian, I do have some time to wait. Generally I'm up for looking after another little lovely, just with a bit of warning . Great idea about social services - in fact thought I might just go away for a few days holiday myself with the dc and see how DH feels coming back to an empty house - gutted I'm sure. Though tbh I don't think he'll do it again.

Hogmanayhoneyblossom, yes I would have time, but genuinely don't feel the need. I've had other relationships and think I'm generally in a good one now - no-one's perfect, least of all me, and DH's great overall (whatever the impression I've given with my first ranty moan!). My parents divorced and I've got several blended families amongst my numerous siblings, and think that unless it's detrimental to the children/unbearable for the adults/unresolvable, I'd stick with my DH if possible to avoid the imho inevitable problems with divorce and second families.

I understand when he leaves, you are stuck in the house (in the country) with no possibility of leaving (I presume you mean no car?).
And you might be needing to get food in you said.

That is NOT ON! And totally disrespectful of you and your - his! -children.

And what if there's an emergency?!

I would be laying down definate rules about that. "You always have to be contactable".

I can certainly understand his motive for not having a third if he is afraid of them growing up like him, in poverty.

I think you mentioned somewhere 30 grand? I seem to remember reading somewhere it's more like 100 grand...

Yes I agree, some inviolable ground rules are necessary.

100 grand - depends how you do it! (I hope, anyway.)