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Original poster

So angry with husband, just wanted to vent anonymously, sorry!

75 replies

mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 17:50

Sorry to be out of spirit on New Year's Eve, but just wanted to rant about my husband.

We've been discussing whether to have 3rd child, aired full views today ie no good solution, danger of permanent resentment etc, on both sides, and I finally accepted we wouldn't.

At this point I'd expect some sensitivity to the fact I'm feeling bereft (heart set on 3rd and very sad) but instead, because his dad is moving house and he's upset about loss of 'family home' (though it isn't really and never has been that), he has now stormed off because I was a bit down in the mouth, leaving me trapped in with the children, and judging on past experience, will go and stay at a friend's (no doubt enjoying a child- and wife-free evening of beer), and will not answer his phone. Last time he finally phoned two days later.

I want to be adult in front of the children but feel like being sick and throwing things! Not helping that it's New Year's.

Any speedy tips on not breaking down in front of the children? Achieving zen calm in 2 minutes? Anything helpful?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 18:41

Glad my dh isn't the only one.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 18:41

Sorry, not meant to be pleased that you also have to deal with it Vicky0790, just that I'm not alone!

OP posts:
Yama · 31/12/2011 18:42

Any man capable of disappearing for one night let alone two is not "great most of the time". Really he isn't.

Not normal and shouldn't be tolerated.

Original poster
mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 18:43

No he doesn't, just kind of sneaks out or storms out depending.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 18:44

But Yama what would you do? Break up with him and deprive the children of a dad? (Sharing custody isn't the same imho). And lose a good husband - better than any of my previous boyf's?

OP posts:
Yama · 31/12/2011 18:47

I can't ever imagine my dh doing this to anyone let alone his wife.

I'm sorry but in my opinion your husband is not a good Dad. I would hate my children to have to witness their Dad disappearing for a couple of nights. So yes, I would leave him.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 31/12/2011 18:48

Loose a good husband? And why would you be depriving your children of their father if you broke up? You didn't answer my question btw.

troisgarcons · 31/12/2011 18:50

troisgarcons, you're brave to have three and not be maternal - how do you manage it?!?

I dont treat any of them like children but like adults. I never did any of the cutesy-stuff - my idea of sticking hot pins in my eyes was toddler groups etc.

I will say out of the mix I got one with SN(LDs) and one with HFA so its an interesting life I lead. We also did it all 'alone' (parents passed away).

On the other hand we both also know the value of 'alone time' - I can go away, he can go away - sad thing is because we have no family/babysitters is we rarely get 'couple time'. Even tho' thats now coming back slowly - youngest is 11 and reasonably self sufficient.

Back on a serious tack. How do you want your life?

(a) Happy with two children and the same happy DH
(b) Unhappy with two children and forever making reference to a third
(c) Three children and an unhappy DH
(d) Going it alone with three children because he cant cope and wont stick around.

I see you are mouring your fertility for want of a better phrase.

Any chance of compromise?

ladyintheradiator · 31/12/2011 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 18:53

Sorry HandDivedScallops, thought it was rhetorical! I never would do that! Still bfing for a start, and just wouldn't do that to the children.

Not sure that their, or my life would be improved by separating. In fact, sure it wouldn't. He just loses his temper s/times and goes off. He doesn't do things I would leave him for straightaway, like physical abuse for example. I've lost my temper badly before now w him but wouldn't expect him to leave me - we are married, with children, I expect to work through issues like this, not just run away from them.

I have to put the children to bed now so will not be replying for a bit but will check back, and thanks for the support and suggestions.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 31/12/2011 19:09

He's not a good husband. Being marginally better than some tosser you used to allow to treat you even worse doesn't make him a good husband. Further it is unlikely a man is a good father if he is happy to treat the mother of his children disrespectfully.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 31/12/2011 19:10

Well that isn't really answering the question but hey ho. You wouldn't do it but it is acceptable (by the fact that this clearly isn't a deal breaker) for him to do it. Why don't you measure and judge him by how you would behave in the same situation?

If you did bugger off for 2 days would he look after the children? Would he protect the children from your behaviour? Would he be worried about you and be trying to contact you? Those are rhetorical btw. But I would think about the answers.

lisaro · 31/12/2011 19:19

And lose a good husband - better than any of my previous boyf's?
My god - what the hell were they like?

Original poster
mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 20:53

lisaro, Chubfuddler, Yama and others, I think we must be living in different worlds! My dh and I are in our early 30's, 2 small children, no money to speak of, etc etc. I would expect a relationship in this situation (or any situation for that matter) to have its ups and downs, and I would need more than a tantrum and a night away to split up a reasonably/often very happy relationship esp with children involved. He is a great dad, not perfect by any means, but the best one for his children imho. I also have days where I'm grumpy/shouty/short-tempered myself.

Previous boyf's were also normal people with normal failings - one had a short temper and head in the clouds, one was wary of committing to having children. None were monsters, as far as I know!

HandDivedScallops, I would not do this, but then he wouldn't go on a forum and btich about my behaviour. We try to take up each other's slack, and in many ways he is 'better' than me - more tolerant of failings, more generous etc etc.

Kristingle, he does not have a drink problem, but can find it hard to be even-tempered sometimes.

troisgarcons, yes I think you're right. I always pictured myself w three kids, I'm 32 so have time but think I'll have to accept the 'compromise' (hesitate to call it that as actually I'm v fortunate) of my two, and have a happy dh, and let go of the idea of a third, and get on with enjoying what I have. I think it's the fact that it's a financial decision on my dh's part that makes it hard - if we were well-off, it wouldn't be such a preposterous idea to him, but he wants to avoid his ds's growing up in poverty as he did.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 31/12/2011 20:57

I am also in my early thirties, with two small children, and I have been married for eleven years.

If my husband flounced off for two days without a word he'd get a divorce petition. So I think we do live in different worlds - I live in one where I give and receive respect in my marriage.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 31/12/2011 21:03

I can't quite believe you are comparing you venting anonymously on a website with him buggering off for 2 nights without contact.

But I suspect this is all falling on deaf ears.

lisaro · 31/12/2011 21:05

I agree OP we obviously do live in different worlds.

sassy34264 · 31/12/2011 21:32

i'm in my late 30's with 4 children and if my dp stormed out for 2 days without any contact, he would find his belongings in bin bags in the hallway on his return.
what if something were to happen to one of the kids and he was incommunicardo? where/who does he go to for 2 days?
he is showing very little respect or concern for your feelings by the way. i would have been worried sick the 1st time he did it.
i get/got the distinct impression whilst reading this thread that he creates a scene deliberately to get to go out. perhaps you should tell him that if he wants to go out, perhaps he should just grow some balls and say so, instead of creating an argument from nothing.

ImpOfThePerverse · 31/12/2011 21:52

I have threatened to lock DP out when he spent 2 hours out after a row - I can't believe you would put up with 2 days! I think ending a relationship over this would probably be over the top but I would be having serious words. This is not acceptable behaviour and he should be made to realise that.

Do you think he manufactured the row because he fancied a NYE out but didn't want to have to ask you?

naturalbaby · 31/12/2011 22:01

'discussions' with my dh about having a 3rd did not ever go well. that issue is a whole other thread!

your dh has a right to be upset so it's a bit unfair to try and have a '3rd child' discussion when he's feeling like that, especially if you knew how he felt about it.

dissappearing for 2 days would not be anywhere near acceptable in my house. no matter how upset he is, not even a few hours.

have some Wine and put the telly on to distract you.

Original poster
mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 22:29

Clearly he's taken note of the bollocking he got last time, as he has returned with chocolate and a bottle of wine.

Chubfuddler, I do give and get respect in my marriage. Without being personal, I am also forgiving of his, and my, humanity. I find it inconceivable that anyone would break up a relationship with young children involved that's overall good, for the sake of one night's misjudgement (or even two!). He has been with me for 9 years through my own issues and his and our relationship is growing together. I know this is a public forum so you are entitiled to write what you like but it's easy to judge and be judgemental.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumstrosity · 31/12/2011 22:38

naturalbaby, we had actually discussed baby issue first, then he had news about his dad's move. But I agree, it ended up being a bad day all round.

ImpOfThePerverse, no he didn't manufacture the excuse! But I can see why you thought that from my post.

OP posts:
ashamednamechanger · 31/12/2011 22:56

OP I'm a bit confused here. You came on complaining about your DH's behaviour, then spent the entire thread defending him!
What is your point exactly?
Are you angry because he buggered off....again? Or are you angry because he won't contemplate a 3rd child?
If it's the latter then be very careful. I have 3 DCs, through ni choice of my own. I was really really happy with 2. We had a lovely cosy family unit, then I fell pregnant again and my DH was adamant he wanted it.
Do not try to force your DH into this....he will only end up hating you. Drop it now and be happy with the DCs you have.

deardear · 31/12/2011 23:06

Lock the doors and leave the keys in so he can't get back in. Ring said friends and tell them to pass a message to that effect :)

naturalbaby · 31/12/2011 23:23

ah chocolates and wine, good man!
you have my sypmathy cause i know how hard it is when you are desperately broody.

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