I want my DP to leave but cant bring myself to do it!!! Help!!!

[butty]

Hi,

I'm kind of looking for reassurance that things will be better if he leaves??

Some on here are aware of my problems and i so desperately want to end things with him but yet i am so scared at the concept of being on my own!!!

It has never been great between us, he is selfish and never spends a minute away from his darn Xbox of which rules his life, he rarely gives me any money when i only ask £20.00 a week from him!!!

During christmas i have paid for the kids, his family and my family and also my ds's b'day on new years day. He has not contributed one single penny and nor has he given me any money for housekeeping for the last 4 weeks!!!

The other day when looking for something in the bedroom, i came across a stash of money!! a whopping £300.00 and when i asked why he hasn't given me a penny when he has that money he replied that it was his savings for his comnputer shite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont want to be with him but i dont want to be on my own, with dd's behaviour problems and ds's disabilities i dont think i can cope on my own, but i cant afford to support him and nor can i bear to be around him!!!!

What help can i get if he does leave??

Bearing in mind he has said that if i do ask him to go that he never wants to see the kids again!!!!!!

Butty.xxx

Well for me life can only be better without a man who says he never wants to see his kids again... it will be hard, but it sounds like you are on your own anyway -- really what value is he adding to your life now - to me you sound like a single parent now...

Sorry no advice on what help you can get as I am not in your situation... but we are here to give you emotional support....

Message withdrawn

Sorry, can't advise but I agree with mancmum. It sounds to me as though life could only be easier without him: surely he just creates work and stress for you, doesn't save you any. And if he feels that way about his children, then he's no benefit to them either.

Have you tried the CAB for advise on what support/help you can get?

Have you looked into what support you may get from the dredded social services, should your dh go? it does sound like your on your own already really.....have you written a pros n cons list of him going/staying? not much advice really but then I'm not in your boots so to speak, {{{{Hugs}}} and hope it works out right for you.

The only thing that will be bad out of it is the children as they love him dearly and would really miss him and also as selfish as it sounds, i get to do what i want at night, so i usually dissapear a couple of nights a week to the pub with my mates.

The other problem will be my dog as i take him out at night when the kids are in bed as cannot handle chloe, dylans pram and a great bounding weimeraner!!!!!!!!!!

I havnt slept with him in a year and i sleep on the couch everynight as i cant stand to be near him!!!!!!!!!!

Other than the 3 things listed above, i cant think of anyother good reason for him to stay!!!!!!

Butty.xxx

huge sympathies Butty... Have a look for a local Gingerbread group and maybe Sure Start would be of some help...
I agree with Manc' sounds like you're on your own already, you could do without having to care for a perfectly capable adult who wants to opt out of his responsibilities and behave like an out-sized kid!
I doubt you're getting more than a sense of resentment out of the relationship... weigh up the pros and cons (and then ask him to go )

The problem is that i do want him to go, but i cant face doing it as i know it will be really hard.
I am also really worried about how chloe will behave once he has gone and also the effects that it will have on dylan.
Thats the problem, they both love their daddy so much.
How do i explain to chloe who already has problems that her daddy has gone!!!

I am also scared that her behaviour will get much much worse once he has gone and she's hard enough to deal with as it is, she has suspected ADHD or something along those lines!!!!

Butty.xxx

You may not want to go out in the evenings so much if he wasn't there would you? Get your mates to come round your house instead. Get a dog walker. Do you have a garden? what ages are your kids?

Hi,

No i dont have a garden, just a small back yard.

My dd is 5 and in yr 1 at school and my ds has just turned 3 whom attends the local special school 5 afternoons a week due to his disabilities.

With regards to the dog, i wouldnt want to pay a dog walker as i love taking him out and also wouldnt be able to afford it!!!!

I dont mind not going to the pub as i only go now to get away from him and the darn house.

I have family that would babysit at the weekend should i wish to go out although that involves money again!!!!!!!!!

Butty.xxx

he sounds like a selfish third child butty, and I would find it hard to feel anything for man who said that he would never want to see his kids again. he sounds as if he contributes nothing to your relationship/family.

like someone else suggested, surestart, homestart etc are all excellent support groups for young families.

another saying - " id rather be alone than unhappy" ( er..whitney Houston)

What age is your dog? It should be fine with a long decent walk in the afternoons and out in the back yard for a pee last thing at night??
Surely your dp would still see the kids if he left? Once he calmed down? and if not - then its his loss. They will be much happier emotionally if their mummy is happy and will adjust to dad not being in the house.

Do you have a hv who you could talk to and see what other help you could get.
The children will miss Daddy but what kind of a man says he doesn't want to see his children if you tell him to go.

Chloe is away at her real dads this weekend so i thought it would be a good opertunity for him to go, but i know that he wont!!!!

I have visits twice a week from homestart and other than that i do not recieve anymore help.

I have just rung his mum and told her what my intentions are, but she has said that she will not have him living back with her!!!!!

All my family and friends hate him and want me to chuck him for good as he never speaks to them and makes them all feel uncomfortable!!!

And yes for the first few weeks they will help out, but then it stops!!!!!!!!

Butty.xxx
All his family know what he is like with me, but yet all they do is lavish the kids and help where they can financially to make me stay with him!!!

I feel like i am going round the bend.

Its not the first time that i have kicked him out, but he promised that he would change and he hasnt!!! He did for the first few weeks but gradually went back to his normal self!!!!!!!

The reason why i took him back last year was because of the children!!!!

He said that he wouldnt see them ever again, and he didn't for a long time until i gave in and said that we could try and sort things out for the kids sakes as they really did miss him!!!!

He told me that he really does love me and the kids, but yet he wont do anything to help financially and nor does he make the effort to spend any time with me!!!!

We have been out as a family twice in the last year and that was under protest!!!!!!!

With regards to my dog, he has just turned one and needs quite a bit of exercise!!!

Please tell me that if i kick him out that things will be better!!!!!!!

I cant see past the point of the kids and the damage it will do to them!!!!!!!

Butty.xxx

Oh good luck butty, sounds like he is behaving like a complete child. And I think if people are by nature selfish they are highly unlikely to change.
Although he says he will never see the children again that sounds like a threat to me-- and if he follows through with it, he is even more selfish than he sounds!!
Hope everything works out

It will be very hard for the children but you must think of your wellbeing too. He's using the children to get his own way. Why won't he give you any money ?

I think you need to sit down and work out what you actually want from life.
They see both of you as role models and what is your lifestyle showing them?? How will you feel when you overhear them telling their friends in 5 or 6 years - 'my mummy sleeps on the couch - doesn't yours??'
You may have to rehome your dog to ease things a bit and maybe get a smaller dog. But a small sacrifice I think. Or ask a friend to keep him till things settle down. Although they do quickly adapt to whatever lifestyle you give them. So a good walk in the mornings and mid afternoon - he should be fine! It is coming into the better weather so should be easier for you all to pack up and go to the park for a long walk.

I reckon having a happy and stable home with one parent is better than a destructive and difficult home with two...

Step back from the situation a little - the reasons that are holding you back are valid, but not strong enough to justify you staying in this relationship. None of the reasons are to do with DP just with losing the conveniences of having another adult around. If you stay together will you be in this same situation next month/year?

It sounds like you will split up at some point so why prolong the agony? It's like taking a plaster off.

As you seem to be paying for everything anyway will you much worse off financially?

It's not ideal for your children, but surely you will be happier on your own and that has to help? And it has to be better than him coming and going - they are probably already a little insecure about the situation if he has already left once.

You will need more support from friends/family and we can help emotionally here too, but from what you've typed, he is going to go at some point and maybe the sooner the better?

I will be keeping the dog as i dont want the kids to lose another thing that they love.
With regards to walking him, i shall take him in the afternoon when i get home from work and rush around even more to get the shopping, cleaning etc... done.
I keep talking myself out of doing it, but i know that i cant carry on like this anymore.
He is that stubborn that he wont see the kids as he says that he doesnt want to be a part time dad!!! Although he is more than happy to act like a lodger rather than a partner of 6 years!!!!!!
I am trying to get my head about doing it as he seriously thinks that am i joking everytime i tell him that things arn't working out and then he blames me for not making the effort IE: Losing weight and not sleeping with him.
Worst of all he told his mates that i have slept with him once in the last year and when they saw me out the other night they told me that i should cut him some slack!!!!!!!!!!

Butty.xxx

Butty, the man has no respect for you. cut yourself some slack and don't feel like a martyr - you do all those things on your own already.

I can't comment on a man who using his children as emotional blackmail to ensure his cosy situation does not change. Do you really think that if he meets someone more willing to put up with his $hit that he would feel any loyalty towards you? I think he'd be out that door without a second thought.

Imagine a few years down the line, you are happier in yourself, your shildren are secure and content and you have no milltones around your neck dragging you down. There are good times ahead.

bless my spelling - think I should try to review more often.

I have just told my mum that i want him to leave and all she has said to me is that i have done it to often, so until he has gone for good she feels that any help she can offer will be thrown back in her face!!!!!!!!!!!
I have explained that it will be for good this time and even she herself says that i should kick him out, but i dont get why she is being like she is!!????
Fair enough i did kick him out last year, and no it didnt last long, but my mum knows how i feel about the whole situation with him and yet she is now saying basically that she wont help me out until she knows that he has gone for good!!!!!

Butty.xxx

This is prob her way to get you to do it for good. I'm sure she will be there for you once you do it. She's prob wanting to spur you into action. Don't be mad at her - be mad at him for putting you through this hassle.

I know why she is doing it, it's just really bloody annoying me!!!
Apart from the fact that she is away all weekend and also that my best mate is also working all weekend, i will be left on my own to pick up the pieces!!!
I dont want to crack up, but i know that i will, and i am still dreading telling chloe that her daddy has left as she is going at 4pm today until sunday teatime!!!!!!!!
That is my problem, i am totally scared about upsetting the children!!!
There is one other thing that i have just realised which is when he has gone, i will struggle with dylan going to bed as he is the one who carries him up 3 flights of stairs everynight as my back is pretty bad and i cant handle the weight of him!!!!!!!
My god, i keep on thinking of other problems about him going, but yet i really dont want to be with him.!!!

Butty.xxx