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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want my DP to leave but cant bring myself to do it!!! Help!!!

72 replies

butty · 13/01/2006 09:56

Hi,

I'm kind of looking for reassurance that things will be better if he leaves??

Some on here are aware of my problems and i so desperately want to end things with him but yet i am so scared at the concept of being on my own!!!

It has never been great between us, he is selfish and never spends a minute away from his darn Xbox of which rules his life, he rarely gives me any money when i only ask £20.00 a week from him!!!

During christmas i have paid for the kids, his family and my family and also my ds's b'day on new years day. He has not contributed one single penny and nor has he given me any money for housekeeping for the last 4 weeks!!!

The other day when looking for something in the bedroom, i came across a stash of money!! a whopping £300.00 and when i asked why he hasn't given me a penny when he has that money he replied that it was his savings for his comnputer shite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont want to be with him but i dont want to be on my own, with dd's behaviour problems and ds's disabilities i dont think i can cope on my own, but i cant afford to support him and nor can i bear to be around him!!!!

What help can i get if he does leave??

Bearing in mind he has said that if i do ask him to go that he never wants to see the kids again!!!!!!

Butty.xxx

OP posts:
Cabe · 13/01/2006 11:55

Butty - it does sound as though you've made up your mind already... but I can understand your not wanting the confrontation or the initial upset of your children.
It took me three goes to finally separate from a bad relationship, I think it's quite natural for them to chunter to a halt rather than end all of a sudden on one occasion.
They're wise words from eefs - there are much better times ahead
Would it be possible for you to make a special effort for your dd so she gets exra mummy-time to help her through her loss? Days out/craft afternoons etc long walks with your bouncy dog just you and dd? If you put it in positive terms like this I'm sure your Mum will help out and have ds for a couple of hours... Would she be ok with this? I understand he has disabilities which will make things harder for you...
Good Luck and {{{{Hugs}}}} for whatever decision you make xx

Cabe · 13/01/2006 12:00

Butty - Social Services will come and assess any practical needs you have with looking after ds on your own... If you need someone to help take him to bed and get him up there will be help out there... Carers can be a lovely way of sharing the extra hard work - when I looked after my Dad I had some lovely ladies from Social Services and struck up a great relationship with them

Original poster
butty · 13/01/2006 12:01

Thats the problem, No one has any time for me as they are all too busy working and stuff like that!!!
The only time i will get with chloe on her own will be at bedtime as she goes and hour later than dylan, but then all i can do is what i do now which is cuddle up with her and read a book or watch telly, and then she gets him to take her to bed!!!!!!!!!!
Its all such a mess, i really regrett taking him back last year, but in some sort of silly way i managed to convince myself that i still loved him, yet the problem was clear that i didnt like being on my own!!!!!!!!
I now know that i dont love him coz if i did, then i wouldnt go out as much and talk to other men etc....
I dont want another relationship, i just want to be happy but at the moment it seems so distant.

Butty.xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
butty · 13/01/2006 12:04

regarding the social services, i have been waiting for 6 months to hear about the disability support team!!!
As of yet i have got no where with them and they are all fully aware about my problems with DP as is the school and everyone else!!!!!
They must all think that i am stupid for still being with him, and even now i am typing what i feel but putting it into practise will be soo much harder!!!!!!!!!

Butty.xxx

OP posts:
tracyk · 13/01/2006 12:06

Can you plan to do it all at Easter? Have everything sorted in your head and finances etc. Then take the kids away for the easter weekend and he'll be gone when you come back. Then it won't be spontaneous and in the heat of the moment??

winnie · 13/01/2006 12:12

Please don't stay with him because you don't want to be on your own.

(Sorry haven't read entire thread)

As a person who has recently been dumped by her husband can I say it is cruel to stay and give false hope. If you know it is over please do something about it. You and your children will survive (although it may be difficult for a while) but life is far too short to spend living a lie.

best wishes.

tracyk · 13/01/2006 12:14

Start by making a list of all things you need to get help with and/or make different arrangements. You may have to restructure your whole life!!
Maybe when you go through the list with your mum she'll see how comitted you are to this.
Can you rearrange sleeping arrangements for ds - so he doesn't have to be 3 floors up. Will there be a time when he can get up the stairs himself?

Original poster
butty · 13/01/2006 12:16

I have to be there when he leaves as last time he started taking things that were mine and that i paid for!!!!!!!!
I also dont think that i can cope with him until easter as i dont even talk to him anymore and i dont want the kids to see a bad atmosphere, not that it is great at the moment, but it could be much better when he has gone!!!!

Butty.xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
butty · 13/01/2006 12:20

With regards to making a list and also changing the financial implications, this i have done!!!
I just need to change the tax credits and let the council know that i will again be a single parent.

Regarding dylan, he sleeps on the 2nd floor as only one bedroom on the first floor and regarding getting up the stairs himself, i just couldnt say as he has problems with walking (can only do up to 15 steps) and major balence issues just to name a few!!

Butty.xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
butty · 13/01/2006 12:43

Right i am leaving work in the next 10 minutes and i am planning on telling him when i get home as i know he aint at work because it is raining, which means that he will be at home on his crappy xbox!!!!!!!!!!
I have just rung my friend who has said that she will help me to pack his stuff is he starts being funny, as this is what he usually does!!!!!!!
So in the next 4 hors, i should hopefully be starting my new life!!!!!!!!

Butty.xxx

OP posts:
eefs · 13/01/2006 12:54

good luck butty - There is no denying it, this weekend will be hard but think of it the start, not the end.

Plan an easy weekend - just you, your children and your lovely dog having a nice family time.

(oh, and try to plan, cook and freeze the meals for the next week so you are not too rushed in the evenings after work)

Cabe · 13/01/2006 13:08

good Luck Butty xxxx

lou33 · 13/01/2006 13:15

It will be better again BUtty. You will be able to be in control of your own life, sort your own finances, have things as you want them to be. As for a man who says he never wants to see his kids, call his bluff. If he really means it then tbh the kids are better off without him.

When i split with my xh in nov, one of the first things he did was to say he was going travelling for 6m around the world to "heal himself" (his words not mine). He was adamant that the kids would be happier hearing from him every few weeks via postcard of telephone, than to have him close by but hurting. It took a lot of talk to make him realise, but in the end he went for 6 weeks instead. But I had got to the stage where i said to myself he does what he does, if he cant think of his kids then he doesnt deserve them.

My practical day to day life is harder, but i am coping, and i think i am doing pretty well. Mentally i feel so much stronger without him, i feel the real and old me coming back. I wonder how i lasted with him for so long now.

The kids are up and down, but actually not as bad as i expected. Tho i do get the odd accusation that i have ruined their lives. I think the lack of tension in the house has made them think that this new life isnt really that bad.

BudaBabe · 13/01/2006 13:19

Good luck Butty. He is an emotional drain if nothing else.

The children will miss him - but they will adjust.

tangerinecath · 13/01/2006 13:19

Good luck Butty - sounds to me like you've made the right decision.

jenk1 · 13/01/2006 13:31

Butty how that it has come to this but i feel you ARE making the right decision, as an earlier poster said you will feel mentally stronger in yourself and when you are mentally strong you will be surprised at what you can accomplish.

Pester SS like mad-you need their help now, phone them every day if you have to, hope everything goes ok.

As for chloe yes- she will miss her dad but the atmosphere will be a lot calmer and that can only help with her ADHD.

If he,s saying he doesnt want to be a part time dad then - leave him to it, he cant think much of the kids to say that can he?

He has had you over a barrel using this as an excuse knowing that you as a woman will always put her childrens happiness first and this is why he hasnt changed.

You have my email Butty

Jen
xx

heavenis · 13/01/2006 14:31

Good luck Butty. You will be a stonger and happier person for doing this.

tracyk · 16/01/2006 08:39

How did it go Butty?

Original poster
butty · 16/01/2006 09:51

Sorry guys,

I didn't do it as when got home from work i had a phonecall from the school asking to collect chloe as she was poorly!!!!!!
I picked her up and took her to the doctors only to find that her left ear has a major fluid build up of which i am now waiting for an emergency appointment at the hospital to have it drained as she is in major pain and it is causing damage to the inner ear!!!!!!!
Anyway, i didn't feel it was right to do it on friday as chloe wanted her daddy and i didn't want to cause an atmosphere.
The first chance i got to speak with him was saturday night when i explained that things are not working out and i think it is best that we go our seperate ways!!!!!!!
The only problem is he doesn't want to!!!!! He was in absolute tears saying that he loves me and the kids and that he wont cope without us!!!!
He has offered me half his wages every week and has promised to change and help more in the house, but he has said all this before!!!!!!!!
Yesterday, he spent the day doing all the housework, sorting out the kids, cleaning the garden and even went to buy some things that we need for the house with the savings that i found
I am however, not giving in!!!!!!!!
I am going to leave things for a few days and wait to see what happens with chloes appointment and once chloe is better i will be going through with it!!!!!!!
He knows that i want to end things and nothing he can do will change that as he has done this before and i was sucked in, fair enough, if i genuinely believed that he would change i may reconsider, but it has gone to far!!!!!!!!
Thanks for all your support, i will still be needing it over the next week or two.!!!

Butty.xxx

OP posts:
lou33 · 16/01/2006 12:47

Stay strong butty, fwiw my xh promised loads as well, said he would do x,y,z and started making more effort, but it would never last, and i always ended up feeling let down, foolish and hurt. This went on for years, and i wish i had called it a day sooner , now.

Original poster
butty · 17/01/2006 09:39

Thanx for your message lou,

I am definately not giving in to him as i am determined to be on my own of which i know i will be my happiest.
He knows this, i think he to is scared of being on his own, but when we have split up in the past, he has always gone to bed with his ex from 6 years ago and that is one of the reasons i dont sleep with him as i can't forgive him.
He uses the excuse that he was single, but to me, if he truly loved me he would not have done it!!!!!
My mind is made up, he has to go!!!!!!!!!!!

Butty.xxx

OP posts:
heavenis · 17/01/2006 14:14

Good for you butty for staying strong. How is your dd is she any better.

lou33 · 17/01/2006 21:45

Good for you butty

Let him go, and find yourself a better life. I really wish you the best. x

Original poster
butty · 18/01/2006 09:37

Thanks for your messages.

My dd is still no better and we are awaiting an appointment at the hospital to have her left ear drained as totally gunked up with fluid.

I have not had a proper nights sleep in ages as she wakes during the night due to the pain and all i can do is give her calpol and the nose drops they have given to try and release some of the sluid via her sinuses so not only the ear but a permanent runny nose!!!!!!!

Oh well, never mind, at least i know when she is sorted that my life will start to get on track, i'm just hoping she gets an appointment very soon as the sooner she does, then i can stop using him for support and get rid!!!!!!!!!!As selfish as it sounds,i am just too tired to handle both kids.!!

Butty.xxx

OP posts:
heavenis · 18/01/2006 09:41

You are not selfish.

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