I want my DP to leave but cant bring myself to do it!!! Help!!!

[butty]

Hi,

I'm kind of looking for reassurance that things will be better if he leaves??

Some on here are aware of my problems and i so desperately want to end things with him but yet i am so scared at the concept of being on my own!!!

It has never been great between us, he is selfish and never spends a minute away from his darn Xbox of which rules his life, he rarely gives me any money when i only ask £20.00 a week from him!!!

During christmas i have paid for the kids, his family and my family and also my ds's b'day on new years day. He has not contributed one single penny and nor has he given me any money for housekeeping for the last 4 weeks!!!

The other day when looking for something in the bedroom, i came across a stash of money!! a whopping £300.00 and when i asked why he hasn't given me a penny when he has that money he replied that it was his savings for his comnputer shite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont want to be with him but i dont want to be on my own, with dd's behaviour problems and ds's disabilities i dont think i can cope on my own, but i cant afford to support him and nor can i bear to be around him!!!!

What help can i get if he does leave??

Bearing in mind he has said that if i do ask him to go that he never wants to see the kids again!!!!!!

Butty.xxx

Heavenis,

I'm beginning to feel like i am as he is running round like a blue arse fly doing everything whilst i sit back and do virtually nothing.

When it comes time for him to go, i know that he will say that he has changed and try to put a guilt trip on me!!!!

The thing is that he has said and done all this before, i cant see any blatently obvious reason why he should change now after 6 years???

I know he will miss the kids as he adores them and i know the kids will very much miss him, i just cant figure out whether he really does want to change for the sake of the relationship or whether it has more to do with the kids???

Take this morning for instance, i got up late at 8am as feeling a bit ill at the moment and also very tired!! When i came down, both kids were ready for school and sat down eating their breakfast, he then told me to get a shower, so i did and when came down he had a brew and toast ready for me and then he started going on about how much he does love me and he thinks its a good idea if we book a family holiday for the half term break as it will give us chance to have a break from the norm??? WTF???

I really cant figure him out!!! i know he loves me, but he is very selfish and at 31 years old i dont think he will ever change???

Butty.xxx

Butty
What you have got to think is would he doing any of this if you hadn't told him you wanted him to leave. Or would he still be playing on his X box. He can't just do this for a couple of weeks and then slip back to how he was before. He's playing with your mind.

thats what i'm thinking, but the hoiday with the kids, getting them ready etc...
He has never done this before!!!!!!!!
He has been coming off the xbox a lot sooner and asking me to come to bed, but i cant do it!!!
I dont want to get used to something and then have it all change a few weeks later!!!!!!
I really dont know what to think of his latest idea, part of me is saying that it would be graet to get away with the kids and him for a break, but more for the kids than for me or him!!!
If i go along with it, then he will think things are better when they wont be??

I am very much in two minds as if i go, i can give it a try to see if their is still anything between us as my feelings of love are still their but in a different way IYSWIM, or i can go, and not stand to be with him 24/7 for 4 days????

I dont know what to do?????

Butty.xxx

It sounds as though he's doing all this for his own benefit (ie because he doesn't want to have to be on his own or find somewhere else to live) rather than out of any particular feelings for you and the children. IMHO the half-term family holiday is more about guaranteeing that he will still be in your house for at least the next few weeks.

I'm all for people seeing the error of their ways and changing but in this particular case it just doesn't come across that way. Sorry, Butty.

Butty
This must be very hard for you.
I think you need to set yourself a time table and stick to it.
If you want to see if you still have feelings for him then he needs to understand that it will take time for him to earn your trust.
The half term thing seems like playing at happy families. If you didn't go would you ever think ,what if we did go.
I'm here to listen take care

Butty I'm so sorry for what you've been going through.

For what it's worth what shines out so strongly from all this is that NOW is your chance to really test him. Will he attend relate counselling with you? By setting this up, you give yourself not only the help of someone else in this difficult situation, but also time - rather than feeling the pressure of 'I'll tell him today' or whatever. You would know that you had a period of time while the counselling was going on that you could just take the pressure off and see how things go.

If he refuses to go then perhaps you really are looking at someone who won't change. But try it. If you can, be positive about him and say you really appreciate how he's been lately and you want to be able to take your relationship further again but you feel both of you need help to do this.

What do you think?

I don't want to advise you to stay in a bad relationship and I know many many people here have been very definite that you should go. But I really noticed your extraordinary commitment to your kids and how they would be affected and I think maybe this is what will give you the strength to try another way. Because it is true that kids adapt but how well they do this depends on their life circumstances - a boy with disabilities and a girl who has already lost one dad are not so well placed to adapt, specially if they are in a one parent family on benefits. One major advantage in life you can give them is to have their mum and dad together.

However it is all in his court now! see if he'll come to counselling and give it a go! Don't feel pressured or hurried by him, if it is to work he needs clear boundaries and I think counselling may help to set these in stone for you both.

Sending you lots of luck, I think your amazing.

I know what you are both saying, and that it is more than likely the truth.

I am all for going my seperate ways from him, but at the back of my mind, i am wondering if he really does want to change and be part of a family unit rather than an unwanted added extra, or as coppertop has said, thinking of himself and where to go????

It would be nice if he could change his ways as he was once a loving and outgoing person, but over the past few years, he has really lost interest in everything and just plays on him computer all the time.

He doesnt go out with his mates anymore, the last time he did, was when he told his mate about the sex situation, and that was the first time that he had been out in a year almost.

We have been out together 5 times since last january and a few times in the past few months for family occassions including his b'day and christmas!!!!!

If he was to leave, his mother would take him in where he could live rent free as she always spoils him even now as an adult!!!!!!!

So i dont know what to think anymore, is it me he's afraid of losing, or just the kids?????

Butty.xxx

Can you sit down with him and talk about what you both do and don't want. I think some form of counselling would be a good idea. If this is the root you want to take.
Try to be true to yourself.

Heavenis,

we did sit down and talk on saturday night.

I know he still wants to be with me as he told me that he loves me and doesnt want to be without me and the kids.

Regarding the councilling, i dont know if i want to do it or not, but yet he has suggested some time away on our own to sort things out and look at want we want out of the relationship.

Thats the thing, i dont know if i can do it as i have already commited my thoughts to being single and if the past few years is anything to go by, then i would definately be better off that way!!!

How do you know if someone has changed????

Its something that cant be done overnight and i have to ask myself if i am prepared to carry on whilst i find out????

My BF has said that i should stay with him as she can genuinely see that he loves me and the kids, and that i should just kick him into touch by towing the line!!!!!!

She is the only one who knows him as a person and he does talk to her and have a laugh when she is over at mine.

She agrees that things have to change, but she reckons that i would be foolish not to give it ago!! She has offered to have the kids so that we can have time out on our own to talk things through and do a plan of action???

Butty.xxx

Butty, I feel for you.
I don't know how you know if someone has changed unless they can show you, and I don't mean for two weeks or so.
Like you say are you prepared to stay while he trys to gain your trust.
Maybe having time on your own to talk things through will give you a better understanding of each other.
He needs to face the fact that things might not work and he needs to act like a grown up, and not threaten never to see the kids again.
What about a trial separation, and seeing how things go.
Things need to have a long term plan whether that be together or apart.
Sorry I don't know if I'm being much help.
Big ((((((((hugs)))))))))

HEAVENIS,

we have done the trial seperation before which was last year and seemed to get on much better, but when he moved back in within a =matter of weeks things seemed to slip again.

My friend told me that it happened because i was too soft with him and just let him do his own thing for the sake of peace and quietness.

Maybe she is right, i dont know??

I like to to my own things during the evening a few nights a week, so she has suggested that i have let things slip so that i can carry on doing my things in peace and harmony without any backlash???

It's going to be a tough decision whatever i choose to do, i think i will have a talk with him again tonight to see if he really does want us to be together, and if so, ask him why he is the way he is if you get what i mean.

I'm no way near being an angel, but surely relationships should be based on love and togetherness, not just for the sake of the kids and this is what i need to know??

Butty.xxx

Butty

I don't believe you should stay in a relationship just because you have children together.
You have the right to be happy.
Why shouldn't you have time to yourself.
I think to have a good relationship you need to be able to communicate,have time to go out as just a couple and time of your own. (in a perfect world).

Hi Butty
How are you. Hope I haven't killed your thread.

Hi Heavenis,

No, i dont think you have killed it

I been bunged up with this stupid cold for the last few days so i havnt been at work although i have returned today so i can get my wages!!!!!

Things at home arnt too bad at the moment, i'm having more problems with chloe than usual, but then again, that is always the case!!!!

Me and Rob have decided to go for a meal and then on round town tomorrow night with my BF and her sort of blind date!!!!!!!!

I dont know what this will acheive, but he seems to think it would be nice to get out together!!!

I shall have to wait and see as i normally have problems with him if he has had too many drinks!!!!!! He either goes on about how much he loves me and the kids, or he gets himself in a state and speaks his mind a little too much which can sometimes be hurtful!!!!!

I havnt decided about the holiday as 1: i cant really afford it and 2: i am still very much in two minds!!!

Butty.xxx

I hope you enjoy your night out, it might be just what you both need.
I hope your cold soon gets better.
Take care xx

Your situation sounds like mine not too long ago, but it wasn't the xbox it was the pub. We had a joint account that he treated like a never ending cash flow. I was a part time nurse and all the wages paid the bills, but not if he got to the cash machine first. He never gave me any money and just took mine and lived in the pub. He also worked there which didn't help. I got used to raising dd and sd on my own and got used to doing exactly as I wanted without having to check with soemone, because frankly he didn't care. He eventually left his job in the pub for a construction site and things did improve. I had closed the joint bank account and we now and separate ones. He had to manage his own finances. As he worked hard at the site he was tired when he came home and didn't go to the pub, he just drank in the house. I began to feel he was under my feet and wished he would go out and leave me alone. I used to plan my life for the time when he left me. How I would furnish the house and things like that. I had distanced myself so much I began to feel that he didn't really love me anyway. So I met someone who paid me attention and took me and dd out for days out and spent time with us. I found myself in an affair, and I didn't feel guilty. The affair came out in the open and DP forgave me, too easily me thinks. Now we are trying to sort things out but I am always wondering what if.....
What if I had left him when he started being a git
What if I hadn't been found out....
What if he uses this against me for ever....
What if things had been better with the other man...
What if all this affects DD and her attitude to men...
What if I had the guts....
Just always what if....

So do something before you end up like me. It is better to get out now than end up desparate. You will get to keep your house as DP has a right to provide housing for his children till they are 16 ( then you'll have to buy him out if it is a joint mortgaged house not sure where you stand if it is rented and in his name.) If you work you can get 70% of child care paid for with working tax credit. It will be hard for a while but you will meet someone else. If you stay you may meet them while you are still with DP and then it REALLY gets nasty.
Hope this helps
Jenni
xxx

Hi,

Regarding the house, it is mine, but in my name only!!

I do work part time as an insurance manager and my mum looks after DS before he goes to school.

The other subject you mentioned regarding my DP would be that if i was to leave him, i definately would not be looking for another relationship as my kids come first, and after all i still sort of love him.

I have kissed a couple of blokes when i have been out in the past because of the situation, but i think that was to prove more to myself that i could still get a man when i was feeling at my lowest as i have gone from a size 10 to a size 16-18 in the course of 3 years which really doesnt help my confidnce situation, which is possibly the cause of why i havnt slept with him in a year as to my current size and the emabarrasment i feel about it!!!!!!

In a perfect world, we would work things out, but then i am not in a perfect world and i shall try over the next few weeks/months to see how things pan out coz if he acts an arse, then he will find himself out on his arse

if one thing has come to light, it is that since discussing my options on this thread, i am much ,ore in control of what to do and when to do it!!!

Butty.xxx

Hi,
I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if any of this has been said. Just a few things to bear in mind.
Re finances - you will be better off financially without having to provide food etc for a grown man, you may also be entitled to more benefits/tax credits

Re upsetting the children - they will be able to pick up on how upset you are now and this will upset them ...having a sad mummy makes children sad.

Also remember you are taching your daughter that this kind of relationship is acceptable - when she grows up would you like her to have a partner who doesn't support her?

Whether you stay together or split up, I think you need to make some changes. No matter what your size etc, you deserve to be respected and loved..and shown that love.

Also I don't really think people change very much..if he hasn't been supportive by now he never will be. Sorry to be negative

I left a bad relationship (after trying several times - every time I left he kept saying things would be different and lets give it another chance) and was much much happier on my own ...after 18months met DP and realised that it is possible to have a loving supportive trusting relationship

Sorry that should be 'teaching'

And after re reading the post it sounds a bit preachy ..didnt mean it to be sorry ...meant it to be encouraging really xx

Hi Butty
How did the nught out go ?
How are things at home.
Been thinking of you, take care.

Hi Heavenis,

The night out was OK, not great but OK!!!!!!!!
I couldnt really be arsed as not been feeling to well recently and i was too tired to really enjoy myself.
The meal was nice and we went into town for a few drinks, but i ended up being a party pooper and leaving at 10pm!!!!!!
It didnt go down too well with DP as i got the impression he wanted to stay out regardless!!!!!
We havn't been getting on to well the past few days, i suppose its down to lack of communication and my general lack of energy to try to talk!!!!!
However, i cooked a 3 course meal last night for the first time as i thought it would be nice, and he did seem really appreciative for once!!!!!!! and in return, i went out with BF for some drinks and he was more than ok about it that was until this morning when he had to wake me up at 8.20 so total mad rush on!!!!
I didnt get home until about 3ish, so i am very tired today and very much hungover!!!!!!!
I must be supermum!!!!! I managed to get the kids ready and at school on time and even got to work on time
Anyway, thanks for keeping up with me, i'll no doubt speak to you soon.

Butty.xxx

Hi Butty
It hard to talk when your not on top form. At least you managed to go out together.
Well done for getting everything done this morning.
Hope you have a good weekend.
Take care