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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know how I feel anymore

58 replies

Machasma · 30/12/2011 15:08

I am unhappy... Most of the time actually.
I have a year old son. A nice house. We are comfortable. But OH isnt what I want in a partner. He is unaffectionate, uncaring about my feelings and childish.

For Christmas I chose all my presents and told him as very sure he wouldn't have bothered. He does nothing to show he cares.

I ask him for a hug or a kiss and he tells me I'm 'fishing' for affection. I ask him why I have to ask to even get a hug and he says I should just know he cares and not have to keep showing it.

He is older than me but so childish. Today he isn't talking to me because I didn't walk the gig early enough. We are home not talking with awful atmosphere all because of a dog.

We will only make up when I go and apologise. I end up doing it all the time.

He will start arguments if we are due to go out or have family plans or if it's just something he doesn't want to do.

He isn't abusive and he is a fantastic dad. He is just a rubbish partner. Am I selfish to want more. Can I justify splitting up our family for my own sake?

So miserable and unloved.

OP posts:
bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 15:12

Sorry to hear how you're feeling Machasma. Do you really feel like this most of the time, or is the good old Christmas cheer that's making you feel worse now? Christmas always seems to highlight the low points in a relationship, I found.

How old are your DCs?

The one thing I would say, that if it's really been like this for some time, and not just a temporary patch, something needs to change. For your sake, and your family's sake.

Flanelle · 30/12/2011 15:14

Fishing for affection???????

Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 15:16

I don't think it's just Christmas.
We are only happy when he is happy.

I really don't want much, just a bit of affection and a friend. We have one son who is a year old. Our relationship is better since a had my son.

I'm worried that we are comfortable and just not in love. It's like I'm someone to have around. The only thing we talk about is our son. Maybe we have nothing in common except him.

He really couldn't care less if we are speaking or not. He is very stubborn. When I cry it annoys him. It's like he has no compassion.

OP posts:
bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 15:16

Reading it again, it sounds like he doesn't really care for you, despite what he might say.

You do deserve to feel better than you do now, and you will be able to give your DCs more, if you feel better in yourself.

bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 15:19

I think if you can, you need to be able to talk to him when there are no other distractions around. You need to be honest with him, about how you feel. Tell him what you've written on here.

It may be that he does care but doesn't realise that he's making you feel this way.

If you can talk through this it may help. If he refuses to talk, or refuses to acknowledge how you're feeling, you will have a choice to make.

It's scary stuff, but you need to move this situation on, and you DO deserve to be happy, believe me!!

Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 15:25

We've spoken before a lot. It seems to be a reoccurring subject in our relationship. There is quite a big age gap. I'm wondering if that's to blame. He sees me as needy I think, I'm not I just want the occasional hug. And part of me wonders if it's because now with Ds we don't have a chance to be a couple, we are parents. Working together on that and not our relationship.

He has stormed out with Ds now. So I've texted him. Saying I don't like how he is and I don't think he is what I want in a relationship. It's hard to talk face to face as he just walks away (doesn't like me raising my voice) but fine for him to do it.

OP posts:
bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 15:31

Hmmm.

I think your answer about what to do will come sooner or later. If after all the talking, things haven't changed, they're not likely to now.

You can sit this out for the next 20/30 years or so for the sake of your DC (maybe more in the future) or you can do something now. It'll be easier to do something now while your DS is so young, he won't be so aware of the situation around him.

As your DS gets older, he will pick up on tension in the house and your unhappiness.

I'm not saying that being a single mum is easy, it really isn't. BUT, it has to be better than what you're going through at the moment.

I stayed with my exh for years, rationalising his behaviour with 'he doesn't go out to the pub each night and come home and beat me up', BUT, my god, I was so so unhappy, and one day it just broke in me and I left.

I'm not saying this is how your relationship will end up if you stay with him, but something has got to change. And if he won't acknowledge that there's a problem it's because he either doesn't want to or because he can't be bothered to do anything about it.

captainmummy · 30/12/2011 15:40

Would you be more unhappy if you were a single mum? Or more happy if he was out of your life (as much as poss with a small ds)

The answer to that is significant.

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 15:46

Actually stonewalling and the silent treatment are forms of emotional abuse. He may not be a monster, but he's not treating you well.

Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 15:47

I don't want to be without him. I just want him to change. So many changes. And maybe if you love someone you should love them as they are. People don't change. And if he can't be nice to me then why should I tell him how to treat me. He should just be able to do it.

He can be fun and happy when it suits him. But most of the time I'm walking on eggshells or running around after him trying to please him.

God I sound like such an idiot. It's not an unbearable situation at all just not a loving one.

OP posts:
bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 15:53

It's not unbearable for now, but it's amazing how much suffering humans can withstand.

That's not to say it's right to see how unbearable something can become before you do something about it.

Why don't you want to be without him? Are you ok being unhappy, most of the time? (quoted from your opening sentence).

If you are ok about it, then put up with it and carry on.

bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 15:53

Also, how do you know if he wants to be with you? Does he?

inatrance · 30/12/2011 15:56

Just because he doesn't hit you it doesn't mean that his treatment of you isn't abusive.

This is emotional abuse, I'm so sorry. You CANT change him and he doesn't want to, so you are left with two options. Put up with it, or take control of your own happiness and leave him.

Flanelle · 30/12/2011 15:57

Having needs isn't being needy. Basically his needs, such as they are, are being met, so they aren't being asserted. Yours are not being met, so they are obvious. He's witholding affection and making you feel bad for feeling bad about it! All your needs are a direct threat to his needs by the sound of it.

Flanelle · 30/12/2011 15:58

Dunno, trance, I think change is possible, if he can be persuaded to try and understand op better.

Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 15:59

He has just told me to leave! It would make him happier and less stressed to not be told how to act all the time.

OP posts:
bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 16:03

I'm sorry, you must be feeling awful.

It does sound like neither of you are happy and he has now been honest about how he feels.

Trust me, it will get better from now. You will be ok.

Is there anywhere you can go, or can he leave instead?

I hope you're ok.

Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 16:05

He won't leave it's his house. I don't want this I just want him to be nice to me. To be affectionate. Less difficult to be around.

OP posts:
bejeezus · 30/12/2011 16:10

he isn't abusive and is a fantastic dad

I beg to differ

bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 16:16

You might not want this now, but in time you will see it was the right thing to do. He's not happy and nor are you. Staying together won't change this and your DS will only become unhappy with a skewed view of how relationships work.

Be strong now. Your dp isn't going to be the things you want him to be. You need to break away and start living your life with your DS.

It WILL be ok!!!

inatrance · 30/12/2011 16:24

Change is possible, yes, if HE wants to change and cares enough about his partner and her feelings to want her to be happy, you cannot make him, or make him want to change, and if his reaction to her entirely justifiable and reasonable request is to insult her, where can you go from there? The OP isn't asking for the world, just love and affection, which is a reasonable request and is mocked and belittled in response. His behaviour and the lack of respect he seems to have for you, OP is what makes me think that the chances of getting him to change are very slim. Maybe if you issue an ultimatum and demand change or it is over it will give you the answer. If he is devastated and gets his act together then maybe he does love you and just needed a shock to get him to pull his head from up his arse. If he belittles, insults or even promises to change then doesn't, well then you have his feelings for you clarified and you can take appropriate action.

I know it's hard and if he would just change and be nicer, it would solve everything. I've been there and I wish I had realised the futility of trying to stop someone being emotionally abusive. Ask any woman being badly treated and you will likely get a similar answer. "I don't want to end the relationship I just want him to stop.....".

oikopolis · 30/12/2011 17:01

VERY IMPORTANT: don't leave the house before you consult a solicitor.

he sounds like a knob. i'm sorry you're going through this

kunahero · 30/12/2011 19:03

You cant change him.
He can only change himself and it soumds like he doesnt want to so you are better off out of it.
The age gap should not be a reason for him being an arsehole. My DW and I have a 12 yr gap (me older) and I am as affectionate as I can be 24/7, lots of hugs, compliments etc.
Leave now and be grateful. You will find the right person eventually and you will be happier than you can imagine.

Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 19:06

We had quite a heated argument. He did make some valid points that I could work on and some that he was being utterly ridiculous about. But he admitted he is not in a happy place. I can't go into detail or will be outed. I know he is having a very tough time at the moment. My way was to distract him and support him - his way is to withdraw completely. As in barely speak to me in the evening. He admitted he was wrong in s lot of ways and doesn't mean to treat me like that he is sorry and says we both should try harder.

In a way I will give him an excuse because of his current unhappy situation but the affection thing I am still worried about. Either you love someone and you show it or you don't.

Thank you for all your support and advice. I want to hope he will make a better effort but I'm aware this is not the first time this has been raised. :-(

But new year etc.....will see if things improve. I can't see his situation getting better so he won't be less stressed and is planning to give up drinking in the new year....hmmm

OP posts:
kodachrome · 30/12/2011 19:13

While you are both talking and agreeing there is a problem, can you get him to agree to attend relationship counselling or see his gp? It's easy to revert once the emotions have cooled down, so I would ask him to do something concrete now rather than just making promises.