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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know how I feel anymore

58 replies

Machasma · 30/12/2011 15:08

I am unhappy... Most of the time actually.
I have a year old son. A nice house. We are comfortable. But OH isnt what I want in a partner. He is unaffectionate, uncaring about my feelings and childish.

For Christmas I chose all my presents and told him as very sure he wouldn't have bothered. He does nothing to show he cares.

I ask him for a hug or a kiss and he tells me I'm 'fishing' for affection. I ask him why I have to ask to even get a hug and he says I should just know he cares and not have to keep showing it.

He is older than me but so childish. Today he isn't talking to me because I didn't walk the gig early enough. We are home not talking with awful atmosphere all because of a dog.

We will only make up when I go and apologise. I end up doing it all the time.

He will start arguments if we are due to go out or have family plans or if it's just something he doesn't want to do.

He isn't abusive and he is a fantastic dad. He is just a rubbish partner. Am I selfish to want more. Can I justify splitting up our family for my own sake?

So miserable and unloved.

OP posts:
bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 19:35

Kodachrome is right. You seem to have made a bit of a breakthrough during your argument.

I don't know what his difficulties are, but if they are overwhelming it could explain why he's shown less affection and attention towards you.

You need to act on this breakthrough before it does revert back to the bad habits again, and seek counselling asap.

It may give you both the outcome you want. If it doesn't, at least you've tried.

Good luck.

Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 19:40

He is having an awful time at the moment and I almost feel bad for being demanding of him. But on the other hand it really isn't that difficult to be even slightly affectionate to someone you supposedly love!

I kind of feel it's just words and I expect it to go back to what it's like now....I sound everso cynical!

I suppose I shall give him the benefit of the doubt and hope we can get through this tough time together.

Thankyou all for replying to me x

OP posts:
bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 19:45

You seem to swing from wanting to not let him go, to being impatient with him (welcome to my world - I never seem to have one week of level emotions!!! Not that I want my dp to ever go - he is one in a million and worth hanging onto!! Smile )

Anyway, sounds like you need support in order to support him through whatever it is he's going through.

Please seek some help as soon as the holidays are over. It could make all the difference.

Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 19:51

I go from feeling very upset and cross with him to feeling very sorry for him..... But I don't want to be feeling sorry for him if that's what he wants me to feel and is his excuse for his behaviour. (if that makes sense)

I'm conscious of being the kind of person who makes allowances for bad behaviour and feel its easy to do when he is standing there giving me a hug and apologising....

But the other held does not want to forget what made me so upset, it's not alright

Maybe I am a cynical bitch.....but maybe I am right and he won't change and I need to be strong?

Feeling very confused this evening. I'm now quiet and having a think while he's bring lovely and fussing round me - we've swapped roles

OP posts:
bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 19:54

If he's making the effort to fuss around you, then there is hope. Your original post sounded so bereft of any kind of hope that he wanted to be with you, it didn't sound like you had much chance of making it work.

Don't make him 'pay' for his behaviour, that won't help and it will just keep the cycle going. If you can, bend towards him but you also do need to make plans to seek support to help you both out of this hole you're in.

Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 20:41

Yes I think part of it was making him 'pay' which won't help.

I felt so unhappy and at the end of my tether earlier I'm sceptical about him changing after a heated discussion. But he seems to be trying.

I really hope it's made him realise I'm really unhappy how things have been. I want him to change because I want it to work.

Just comments like when he said I 'fish' for affection is weighing on my mind..... I don't think I can do much else but wait and see.

..wish I felt more certain though :-(

OP posts:
bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 20:46

If he really is struggling with other things, he will be saying hurtful things. I don't know if he loves you or wants to stay with you, but if you feel enough for him to try and make this work, the fact that he's trying now is a good sign.

Hope things work out ok for you - whichever way that is.

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 20:56

I don't think struggling with things is a pass for saying horrible stuff to your partner. If I'm having problems I might snap at my bloke or whatever, but I always feel awful for it and apologise right off.

It may be that he's realised he's pushed you too far, and he is back-pedalling to stop it getting to breaking point and as soon as the danger has passed, will go back to his old cold ways. If you've been here before, you will know the pattern.

I do think you need to get him to commit to some sort of therapy/change now or it ill slip back.

FionaBruise · 30/12/2011 20:58

why should you only just want the occasional hug :-(

bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 20:58

It's not a pass for saying horrible things, and it needs to be addressed. I'm just saying that maybe that's where it's coming from.

It just seems there is a bit of hope here and if the OP wants to stay with him, maybe it will work out if they get the help they need.

Best of luck, really.

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 21:04

Yes, I'm just trying to push the point of getting the help, as it is incredibly hard to change this sort of dynamic without shining a light on it from outside, I think. Too too easy to go back into the rut.

Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 21:12

I'm divided. The affection thing is an ongoing subject. He knows how I feel, admits he could be better, he is for a while, then it slips again. I have been there before :-( he isn't nasty to me, just acts like a grumpy old man most of the time. (well the last few months the most)

I told him he is really cold towards me and he replied he is feeling a bit cold to the world at the moment. He promises it's not personal and he loves me and wants to be with me. Which does make me hopeful, he has a few things going on and I don't like that he deals with it this way. What about the future?

I do feel a bit like he thinks in being a bit silly about it all and not realising just how much I've had enough of it.

I just wish he was in a happy place and we could see how it was when it's just us being us.

He has agreed to go to the doctor if he can't give up drinking on his own which is good. But giving will be hard for both of us he will just be very tense and snappy for a while.

I think that might be the biggest problem, couple time is evening when baby is in bed, I spend the evening tidying and cleaning and he gets drunk - not really quality couple time

He drinks 8 cans a night, he does not drink in the day, he runs his own business works very hard ( so doesn't fit stereotypical alcoholic) but what do others think? I think it's far to much but is it excessive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 21:15

I think he does need therapy. He drinks too much, he smokes weed and has had a massive family issue that had messed him up recently.

No wonder I don't get a look in.

OP posts:
bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 21:17

I'm no expert but 8 cans every night is quite a lot. It's symptomatic of how he feels about his life and how he's coping with his issues.

The issues need addressing and he needs to learn better coping strategies.

You need to keep on the track of getting him to see the GP for his drinking and also to find other sources of help (Relate?) otherwise this pattern will never get better.

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 21:22

I think 8 cans a night would constitute a drinking problem. Functioning alcoholics can control their intake and work well and hard, but still be thinking about when they can have their next drink and living for that moment. Added to the weed etc - he needs help.

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 21:23

I daresay he can give up for a month or two - but long term?

Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 21:27

The thing is he really really wants to stop drinking. He has tried before so determined then after 4 nights of no sleep he feels he has to drink to get a nights sleep.

He drank before I met him and you are right his coping strategies are not right. And it's starting to affect us badly.

I do feel sorry for him I just wish he would let me in so I can help him through it rather than create more problems and stress.

He's just reached across to me gave me a kiss and told me he thinks we are stuck in a rut. Which is true don't feel we've been a couple since our baby arrived. Not that I'd change that for the world. So we've agreed he will give up drinking, il be less OCD about tidying and we will make an effort to sit down together on the evenings

OP posts:
bejeezus · 30/12/2011 21:29

There is no stereotypical alcoholic

There is no class divide. Many are highly functioning professionals, medical consultants etc

If you thinly host drinking is affecting your relationship and life, then you should get some support for you. Can I recommend you contact Al-Anon

I don't think any family crisis or amount of stress excuses the way he is treating you

bejeezus · 30/12/2011 21:30

Thinly host?!

think his

kodachrome · 30/12/2011 21:31

Please get outside help.

bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 21:31

It's good that you're talking and saying the same things and seem to want the same things.

Please, though, please do get support to help you through this. You've tried before and have slipped back to your old ways.

This time make it work.

Original poster
Machasma · 30/12/2011 21:39

He does not want to go to AA he does not agree with the 12 steps and surrendering control. And saying its beyond your own power He believes it's his choice and decision to drink. I agree. But there is a group to support partners of alcoholics. I'd go to that but short of inviting to host a meeting here I'm not sure I could get him to go.

He has admitted to having a drinking problem but not to being an alcoholic.

I read somewhere (maybe here) the best thing you can do is leave to make them realise that you mean more to them than drink.....I really don't want to get to that.

But if he tries and fails I'm not sure where we will go from there.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 30/12/2011 21:44

There are other options than AA. I can understand his dislike of the whole higher power etc crap that goes with the AA & the 12 steps programme, but there are other avenues.

If he can't sleep without alcohol, he has a major drinking problem, whether he wants to call it alcoholism or not.

bananatrifle · 30/12/2011 21:46

Crikey. You've obviously both looked into this before. The thing is he's making the conscious decision to continue this way, despite how it's making him be. Or has he always been like this?

If he won't get help (with his drinking and how he is with you) and you don't receive support to help you make decisions, things will never change. They need to change for your little boy's sake if nothing else.

bejeezus · 30/12/2011 21:49

Al-Anon is not AA. It is to support friends and family of alcoholics. Forget trying to get him to go anywhere, concentrate on looking after yourself. He either will get help and stop drinking or he won't but nothing you do or don't do, will have any impact on that AT ALL

Al-Anon will not encorage you to leave him at all. In fact I think they advise attending meetings for a year before making such a decision