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Original poster

Clear the air with MIL or bite my tongue and run for the hills?

72 replies

alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 11:52

We've been staying with MIL & SIL since before Christmas and are due to go home soon.

MIL and SIL are both the kind of people who think they alway know best and like to tell you what to do. This really gets by back up (especially when they're giving advice I know is completely wrong). However I've learnt if I offer an alternative view my ideas get treated with disdain, so these days I just bite my lip, smile and ignore when they're in that frame of mind. Or at least I try to.

See the thing is they're lovely otherwise. MIL is a great gran to DS and SIL is a lovely Aunt, we're very lucky to have them. MIL has put on a great Christmas for us, and DS has had the best time ever.

However the comments are getting more frequent. I think I've upset both MIL and SIL now as I let my facade slip and took offence to them being patronising to me this morning. TBH I think there's a lot of crossed wire stuff going on.

MIL gets defensive as if I mention anything about how to care for DS, she just doesn't want to hear it. She talks over me and tells me she's knows what she's doing, in a patronising way. I think she thinks I'm undermining her, but I'm really not, I'm just passing on information about DS (as I do to his CM or my own mum, neither of whom take offence!) Meanwhile I feel her attitude towards me is as if I'm a silly girl (I'm not!) and it drives me up the wall!

The holiday started off well but I can feel the temperature rising! Perhaps she's fed up now with having our mess and chaos in her house and that's contributing?

They've taken DS out for the day now.

We're going home in a couple of days. I would like to clear the air and speak to MIL as I want a good, honest relationship with her, I'm fed up with all this humouring her bollocks. However I'm worried it'll go tits up!

But I'm also worried though that if I leave it, it'll fester.

WWYD?

(Sorry that was so long!)

OP posts:
Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 11:53

Also, I should say I'm very grateful for the lovely Christmas that MIL obviously worked so hard to put together, and I really don't want to leave on a bad note.

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SilentBoob · 30/12/2011 11:55

You are staying for far too long.

Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 11:57

MIL lives a long way away, and this is the only time she's got to see DS since the summer.

She wishes she saw DS more often, and we wouldn't come all this way without staying a while.

We need to learn to get on somehow!

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pommedenoel · 30/12/2011 11:58

Agree with SilentBob - 2 night visits max with family. You sound like you've been there 2 weeks or so. Nightmare. Put up and shut up, go home and never do such a long visit again.

Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 11:58

"we wouldn't come all this way without staying a while."

I should qualify that - because it's what MIL wants, and we're happy to oblige as DS's relationship with his gran and aunt is important to all of us.

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Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 12:00

Would you travel to a different country (10 hour journey including getting to and from the airport) for just 2 days?

TBH MIL would be more upset by that!

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Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 12:00

Although I must admit it is tempting! Smile

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FetchezLaVache · 30/12/2011 12:01

Agree it's too long- the smile, nod and ignore technique only works for a couple of days!

I would be really pissed off at being treated like that, to be fair. What does your husband do when his mother patronisingly talks over you if you proffer up an opinion on caring for YOUR OWN CHILD?

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 30/12/2011 12:01

What would you want your future DIL to do when dealing with you?

pommedenoel · 30/12/2011 12:04

I would NEVER do 2 weeks with PILS (similar situation in terms of how sweet/annoying they can be) as it would ruin the relationship for good.

If you have the cash I would look at visiting them - going on a mini break just you 3 and then visiting them again before going home if they were that far away.

Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 12:06

He doesn't always notice she's doing it at the time as he's so used to it I think.

He wasn't there when they did it this morning.

But he agrees with me that it's patronising and not right, but it's just the way they are.

However I told him how I felt, and he said actually he'd pulled MIL up on the way she was being yesterday (I'm not sure if he meant towards me or him). He didn't offer the details and I didn't push it, but he did say that she mentioned she thought I'd been sharp with her. He said that she must have got it wrong. I don't know when she means, but now I'm worried that there might be quite a bit of crossed wires going on here.

Maybe - at the same time as she seems patronising to me - I'm unconsciously doing something which upsets her?

This is why I think having a go at clearing the air might work

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Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 12:07

"What would you want your future DIL to do when dealing with you?"

Good question Smile

I would like her to be straight with me, and at least try to build an honest relationship, not humour me.

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pictish · 30/12/2011 12:08

It's cabin fever setting in. You all get on well in general, but now you are starting to get on each others nerves, due to the length of the visit.
This is what happens.

Just do your best to stay calm, not get riled and keep your eye on the plane that's taking you out there and back home. Not long to go now. Keep your cool.

Good luck! x

SilentBoob · 30/12/2011 12:08

If they are abroad that's different, though I still think 2 weeks is too long. Tbh I think you just have to put up with it. It sounds as though you are getting some lovely free childcare, and that mil is working hard looking after you all. Don't think you can respond to that by complaining that she doesn't look after your child exactly to your liking.

LaDiDaDi · 30/12/2011 12:11

You need to keep up the smiles and reduce the length of visits in the future.

Focus on what a great time ds has had. How old is ds?? Is there a possibility of, in the future, visting as all three of you then leavng ds in the care of mil for a few days while you and dh have a bit of time to yourselves somewhere nearbyish??

Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 12:13

"Don't think you can respond to that by complaining that she doesn't look after your child exactly to your liking."

I have no problems with the way she looks after my child!

I have a problem with the way she talks to me.

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Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 12:21

Specifically, what sent me over the edge this morning is that MIL and SIL have taken DS out on a shopping trip.

As they were getting really to go, I mentioned that DS can go a bit mental in shops (this is an understatement!) so that they were forewarned.

MIL cut me off mid-sentence, laughed in a derisive way, put her face really close to mine, slapped me on both cheeks and said "I know how to look after children you know".

I was only mentioning it to let her know, and DS really is more extreme at running off than most other children I've ever met (and I used to CM)

In no way was I saying I didn't think she could cope, I was just letting her know. I would say the same to my mum or DS's childminder, and it would just be taken as part of conversation, but I knew what MIL's response would be she never wants to hear anything from me about how to care for DS.

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Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 12:22

"Is there a possibility of, in the future, visting as all three of you then leavng ds in the care of mil for a few days while you and dh have a bit of time to yourselves somewhere nearbyish??"

I think this is a good a possibility for the future yes, and I'm very much looking forward to it! Smile

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Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 12:26

"It's cabin fever setting in. You all get on well in general, but now you are starting to get on each others nerves, due to the length of the visit.
This is what happens."

That's reassuring tbh.

Maybe the most important thing I need to do is make sure MIL know we appreciate all her hard work for Christmas, so we can leave on a good note.

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happygilmore · 30/12/2011 12:28

I think you feel like she doesn't have respect for you as a parent? Or am I reading too much in to it, that is how I would feel in any case!

No good advice here from me I'm afraid, my MIL (who is nuts) takes any comments like that as an attack on her as a parent, and definitely wouldn't listen to a chat to clear the air.

I do think perhaps it is your DH who needs to tackle it though.

SilentBoob · 30/12/2011 12:31

Okay, so the problem is not that she doesn't take on board your tips about looking after ds?

Is she only like this with you? It does sound annoying, but perhaps it's just her way? Perhaps she feels patronised by you telling her how to cope with ds? Perhaps she thinks you fuss too much or don't trust her? I am not meaning to downplay your annoyance, but from her point of view maybe she finds it equally annoying to have you giving her instructions when she knows what she's doing.

From what you have written she doesn't sound that bad. Just a personality clash.

If you are determined to have a chat with her about it, think very carefully about how you phrase things because after having house guests for 2 weeks, running around after you all, putting on a fab Christmas, doing a load of babysitting, all she will hear is you complaining instead of being grateful. It sounds like you have a lot to lose.

chunkythighs · 30/12/2011 12:33

Could there be a cultural element to this too? Like mil is the head of the house? TBH to me guests and visiting carry the same rules as fresh fish- After two days-it stinks!

Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 12:33

"I think you feel like she doesn't have respect for you as a parent? "

Yes I do feel like that. I also feel she sometimes belittles my opinion and treats me as if I'm a silly girl.

However I think there's a possibility it's not personal, it's just the way she is, as she can be quite judgemental about people sometimes.

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Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 12:35

"From what you have written she doesn't sound that bad. Just a personality clash. "

I think you're probably right.

It's also that I'd never speak to someone the way she talks to me. It's just so disrespectful, it takes me aback. However I don't think she means it to be so.

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Original poster
alicethehorse · 30/12/2011 12:37

"Perhaps she feels patronised by you telling her how to cope with ds? Perhaps she thinks you fuss too much or don't trust her?"

Yes I think she does. But I don't fuss (honest!) and even if I did I should be allowed to say stuff about my own son!

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