Clear the air with MIL or bite my tongue and run for the hills?

[alicethehorse]

We've been staying with MIL & SIL since before Christmas and are due to go home soon.

MIL and SIL are both the kind of people who think they alway know best and like to tell you what to do. This really gets by back up (especially when they're giving advice I know is completely wrong). However I've learnt if I offer an alternative view my ideas get treated with disdain, so these days I just bite my lip, smile and ignore when they're in that frame of mind. Or at least I try to.

See the thing is they're lovely otherwise. MIL is a great gran to DS and SIL is a lovely Aunt, we're very lucky to have them. MIL has put on a great Christmas for us, and DS has had the best time ever.

However the comments are getting more frequent. I think I've upset both MIL and SIL now as I let my facade slip and took offence to them being patronising to me this morning. TBH I think there's a lot of crossed wire stuff going on.

MIL gets defensive as if I mention anything about how to care for DS, she just doesn't want to hear it. She talks over me and tells me she's knows what she's doing, in a patronising way. I think she thinks I'm undermining her, but I'm really not, I'm just passing on information about DS (as I do to his CM or my own mum, neither of whom take offence!) Meanwhile I feel her attitude towards me is as if I'm a silly girl (I'm not!) and it drives me up the wall!

The holiday started off well but I can feel the temperature rising! Perhaps she's fed up now with having our mess and chaos in her house and that's contributing?

They've taken DS out for the day now.

We're going home in a couple of days. I would like to clear the air and speak to MIL as I want a good, honest relationship with her, I'm fed up with all this humouring her bollocks. However I'm worried it'll go tits up!

But I'm also worried though that if I leave it, it'll fester.

WWYD?

(Sorry that was so long!)

Perhaps her lifestyle/culture as much as taking it personally?

I suppose that would account for the defensiveness. If she thinks I'm judging her, perhaps she's ultra sensitive to stuff I say.

But I'm really not judging her. I just don't like the way she belittles me!

Oh dear.

could you explain the cheek slapping? I'm at that. What exactly did she do?

"Ask her if she could be more up front with you when you upset her and you will do the same with her - perhaps you could have a running joke about "these english ways" and "these x ways"???"

It could work I suppose! I'm pretty sure she's not 100% delighted that I'm English, blaming my "ways" on my Englishness could strike a chord!

She slapped my cheeks in what you could (if being incredibly generous) interpret as a playful / familiar way. It was gentle, it didn't hurt!

But I found it more humiliating / belittling than playful.

It was just the two of us there.

Both at the same time, to emphasise the point she was making.

would it have been acceptable for you to slap her cheeks in that situation?

To be fair, she probably did mean it to be (taken as) playful. I'd have felt the way you did about it though. Definitely a lot of cross-generational and/or cross-cultural miscommunication going on!

Hmm, that's practically contradicted my earlier post, but I think I stand by both. Kind of.

"would it have been acceptable for you to slap her cheeks in that situation?2
God no!

"Hmm, that's practically contradicted my earlier post, but I think I stand by both." That's OK I know what you mean

"Definitely a lot of cross-generational and/or cross-cultural miscommunication going on!"

I agree!

It does sound cultural/general but it also sounds like she's the queen bee and can be quite domineering with her opinions: She Who Knows Best About Everything. I would've thought her taking offence at your comments about the anti-feminist film were actually that she was offended she didn't see the subtext and felt stupid; then blamed you for 'spoiling' it for her. You're not going to get it right with someone like this tbh, general/cultural or not.

I would say it won't work to confront her - if she gets funny about a completely innocent comment re the film - that wasn't even directed at her! - I doubt she's going to take any comments that are specifically about her. If she does the slapped cheeks/in your face thing again (poor you!) you could laugh heartily and say 'ah well, don't say I didn't warn you '. Youre only there for a few weeks - when you say your prayers at night, thank God she's that far away! I also wouldn't lock horns with her either because there's no way she would back down. Just put up with it for now, enjoy their lovely hospitality and try not to take it personally. My MIL and SIL were also from a different culture and they were very critical forthright indeed about my parenting. It upset me at the time - a lot. It's easy for me to say now but fuck 'em and their silly opinions. You're the mother.

OR you could let yourself burst into tears! Yes, you could give that a go. She sounds kindly and maybe she needs to know from direct evidence that we in Britain don't do things the same way. ie in a lot of cultures, the mother is the matriarch and what she says goes, right down through the generations - and she would be deeply offended if anyone crossed or undermined her opinion.

Ha she sounds just like my MIL, I can imagine her doing both those things. She definitely thinks I'm a silly little girl (though I'm 32!). But she is also great with the kids and generally a nice person, as you say she just likes to be queenbee and gets very easily offended at any perceived criticism.

We used to get on really well as I was very good at the nodding, smiling and biting my tongue. But about 6 months ago things blew up when she witnessed a rather tantrumy day from DD1 (previously the apple of her eye) and told me she had no boundaries, too many choices etc and was very critical of my parenting. When I reacted in what I thought was quite a polite but firm way and said I didn't agree and tried to explain about the boundaries we do set etc she got monumentally offended. Sulked for 3 hours, waited til DH got home before repeating the whole saga to him and said she was never coming to stay with us again.

The next day I tried my best to clear the air but despite all the nods and fake smiles things have never been quite the same since.

However she doesn't criticise half as much as she used to so maybe it worked!

I think everyone is far too nice on this thread! If someone slapped my cheeks, even in the most gentle way, under those circumstances I would give them seriously short shrift. I would also get very fed up of tiptoeing around them and trying not to 'hurt their feelings' when they obviously didn't care about upsetting me. I would be upfront about the whole matter and if they didn't like it - tough. You are your child's mother and they should be guided by what you tell them about him, not treat you as some sort of silly, fussy girl.

Agree with those whp say that you should not visit for that length of time again. I would just thank her for the lovely Christmas , and ensure that i only stay for a maximum of three days next time.

Yes definately try and use the time to get away with your DH.
I have experienced a similar thing with (English) ex's mum. We don't speak now. It ended with her sending poisonous letters and emails to me and my mum re. my unforgivable parenting....
Wish I'd cleared the air earlier face to face but in the traditional British way she kept her feelings to herself for years and the built up anger and disrespect etc she had for me eventually exploded. Now I can't even ask her to help with the children, something she had been good at.
Good luck.

angrywoman that's awful, what a shame Sending letters to your mum is definitely way over the line!

"in the traditional British way she kept her feelings to herself for years and the built up anger and disrespect etc she had for me eventually exploded"

God I hope that's not what I'm doing!

I hope she sees sense some day soon.

An update - they came back yesterday and DS had been very well behaved apparently (although I'm not sure they'd tell me if he hadn't) They'd all had a nice time.

MIL, SIL and I all acted as if nothing had happened. They're back to their usual being nice, tinged with telling everyone how to live their lives every so often.

It's just what they're like and they're never going to change.

Thanks for the advice everyone, it's normal family stuff really isn't it?!

Good advice about not staying so long. We always have stayed a long time as they live so far away, but I think I need to be stricter about the amount of time. From this and past experience a week seems to be about our limit I think, before nerves start to get really frayed.

FWIW I think what upset her about the film thing is that she has a thing about feminism. She can get very defensive when with feminist ideas are mentioned (in the media or in conversation).

I found this really odd at first - I was brought up in a very lefty family, where feminism is a good word, meaning equality basically. My mum and I both describe ourselves as feminists if asked, and spend a fair amount of time discussing politics in general conversation. My mum worked, as well as being mum, but she was very much a career woman. I'd say her identity is much more closely linked to her profession than her role as a wife and mother.

MIL also worked as well as being a mum, but her role as wife and mother is much more important to her in terms of her identity I think. I've come to realise that I think she sees feminism as an attack on her role as a wife and mother. (Which is not how I see it at all, but interesting that she sees it so!) I think the idea of feminism makes her uncomfortable as she sees it as anti-family.

Or that's my take on it anyway! Probably not very relevant, just trying to make sense of her response, which caught me by surprise.

Next time she wants to take your son out to the shops fill him up and chocolate and lucazade!