Clear the air with MIL or bite my tongue and run for the hills?

[alicethehorse]

We've been staying with MIL & SIL since before Christmas and are due to go home soon.

MIL and SIL are both the kind of people who think they alway know best and like to tell you what to do. This really gets by back up (especially when they're giving advice I know is completely wrong). However I've learnt if I offer an alternative view my ideas get treated with disdain, so these days I just bite my lip, smile and ignore when they're in that frame of mind. Or at least I try to.

See the thing is they're lovely otherwise. MIL is a great gran to DS and SIL is a lovely Aunt, we're very lucky to have them. MIL has put on a great Christmas for us, and DS has had the best time ever.

However the comments are getting more frequent. I think I've upset both MIL and SIL now as I let my facade slip and took offence to them being patronising to me this morning. TBH I think there's a lot of crossed wire stuff going on.

MIL gets defensive as if I mention anything about how to care for DS, she just doesn't want to hear it. She talks over me and tells me she's knows what she's doing, in a patronising way. I think she thinks I'm undermining her, but I'm really not, I'm just passing on information about DS (as I do to his CM or my own mum, neither of whom take offence!) Meanwhile I feel her attitude towards me is as if I'm a silly girl (I'm not!) and it drives me up the wall!

The holiday started off well but I can feel the temperature rising! Perhaps she's fed up now with having our mess and chaos in her house and that's contributing?

They've taken DS out for the day now.

We're going home in a couple of days. I would like to clear the air and speak to MIL as I want a good, honest relationship with her, I'm fed up with all this humouring her bollocks. However I'm worried it'll go tits up!

But I'm also worried though that if I leave it, it'll fester.

WWYD?

(Sorry that was so long!)

I do think some people find it hard that they're not the parent anymore, if that makes sense.

My sister is a lot older than me, and has always treated me a bit like a daughter. She is brilliant with my DD, but for a while acted like she was the mum and I was still a little girl. I don't think she meant anything by it, but was hard for her to adjust.

Does she take criticism well normally? If the answer is no, it's probably not worth tackling, just smile and nod, smile and nod.

"Could there be a cultural element to this too? Like mil is the head of the house?" Probably, but she does it to me in my house too!

Am I the only one hoping that your son goes nuts in the shops?

chunkythighs

"Does she take criticism well normally?" No, I don't think so.

She is lovely otherwise though, honest!

If she's a reasonable person, clearing the air might be a good thing.
But if she's accustomed to being queen bee and is used to people deferring to her, or if there's no family habit of frank discussion of difficult subjects, she might be too affronted by the way you talk to her to be able to take in the message, however well meant.
Mind you, you might set a precedent.
I'd be inclined to go for it, since you're up to it. It could set a healthy new pattern for a relationship that will go on for decades, and avoid years of festering resentment!

I guess you need to grab a few stock responses to help you

'Honey, as his mother I should hope I know him best' (with a bitter laugh)

'Sure what the hell would I know I'm just his mother who looks after him every day!'

Ach she's an overbearing but well meaning sort, I think.
She probably DOES think you're a 'silly girl' - she would think the same of whoever her son had hooked up with....it'll be to do with her age, her experience and her role as the matriarch.

I can understand how annoying you must find it...but tbh I don't think she'll change, and she certainly doesn't sound at all nasty.

Oh no, she's not nasty. I want to find a way to have a decent relationship with her, she's a nice person so I hope it's possible!

However she does overstep the line I feel, and grinning and bearing it doesn't seem to be working!

Perhaps I just need to work on my smile and nod

It's really not me though!

"It's really not me though!" by that I meant it's really not my style to smile and nod and ignore the elephant in the room.

Thanks for your advice everyone, as I said before, I think the most important thing is to make sure she feels appreciate for all she's done before we go, and to try to leave on a good note.

I've calmed down a bit now and will probably leave the candid chats for now unless we hit the sherry the time feels right.

Oh dear! you have definitely been there too long.
I think it's amazing you've lasted so long without feeling like this - you all must actually be really nice.

I agree with the suggestion of short stay, short break, short stay. Or even if you can stay elsewhere for the whole time (e.g. holiday rental in the same street - so close but with everyone having their own space).

Oo that example would have me fecking FUMING. DH would be on the receiving end of a rant about his mother for the whole 10 hour journey home if it where me too.

People have mothered their children not anyone else's. Hope your son in the shops leaves her quivering in the corner! Go mother's ds!!

I was fuming. I felt like slapping her back and/or bursting into tears!

I did neither. I walked into the other room, then came back and tried to pretend it hadn't happened.

I didn't do very well though, DS was watching Monsters Inc, with MIL and SIL and got scared (he wimpered, got off his chair and came to me, which is unusual for him, he's not usually easily scared). I asked him if he found it scary, he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to go into the other room to play and he said yes, so we went.

I brought him back a few minutes later as there was a happy bit on, and then got a lecture from MIL about how I shouldn't leave the room in the scary bit as it'd stick with him, I should let him see it turned out alright in the end (what did she think I was doing back in the room?!)

I said that I thought that some films - despite having a U rating - are still too old for DS as he's only just turned 3, and he's too young to understand the storyline, but he still can get freaked out by very tense bits. Both MIL and SIL started arguing about this, patronising me and making me out to be a fusspot, and that the film wasn't too old for DS. I lost my patience here, I was quite sharp with them both.

I know my son and I know that the film was upsetting him!

I strongly suspect that they think I was criticising them by criticising the film, but I really wasn't - as I selected the film, how could I be?!

I was making observations about a 3 year old and their ability to follow a narrative aimed at older children, not criticising them. Jeez!

However this has put a bad atmosphere in the air I think.

I'd be all right with her until it got to the cheek slapping. That suggests quite a high level of barely restrained fury that broke out in token minor violence, plus it's invading one's body space. Don't like body space being invaded. Very offensive.

Think I'd want to say something like "I hope you didn't think" (even though she clearly did think it) "I was insulting your ability to look after children, it's just a particular thing DS does a lot which I wanted to warn you about, just in case he tried it on with you too" or some such. Possibly with DH there to back you up at the time in case she's inclined to get huffy. I hate being misunderstood almost as much as I hate people touching me without an invitation.

someone on here once suggested saying to an offending MIL "That was a quite hurtful thing to say - did you mean it to be hurtful?"
I'm going to try it out as my MIL is unreal .... it seems quite a grounded response to an offensive comment and puts the ball back into MIL's court.

Good idea NigellasGuest, thanks

Would the film example get to you?

Yea-I think everyone here is in agreement that you are not the person that is wrong here.

Nigellas has a point-naming her behaviour may just work-'Oh! that was quite hurtful to be honest' might make your inlaws step back.

I'm more of a smart arse and have used the ones I mentioned earlier- to good effect!

I think as others have said you need to raise the specific issues in a nice/kind way when they happen. Lots of "MIL that has hurt my feelings", "MIL I was trying to be helpful, you know I trust you to look after DS but I know at the minute he is very much handful in shops most of time".

It would uncross the wires IYSWIM.

Also yes to saying how much you appreciate her hosting Christmas etc - it's not what you say it's the way that you say it?

Thinking about it, I think a culture clash is one of the underlying issues here.

In my family (i.e. with my parents and DSIS) everyone has an equal say when it comes to opinions and ideas. (Although not about house rules, my mum is definitely boss there ). If I said to my mum that DS was difficult in shops that might lead to a conversation about why that might be, or what to do about it. If I said I thought a film was too young or DS was scared that would be taken seriously and we'd talk about childrens' films and what was suitable for little ones.

But here there seems to be a power thing going on in MILs house, which I don't understand! MIL passes judgement on others but it's against the rules here to challenge MIL's opinions, directly or indirectly.

I seem to be doing things to upset her indirectly. She then behaves badly with me, and I loose patience and challenge her directly. Then we end up here.

Ah well that makes it easier.

Take her out somewhere quiet and chat to her about cultural differences, tell her that you've become aware that you seem to keep upsetting her by accident. Ask her if she could be more up front with you when you upset her and you will do the same with her - perhaps you could have a running joke about "these english ways" and "these x ways"???

I take it that she does have a sense of humour?

Another thing that happened a while back was that when she was visiting us, myself and my lodger commented on how a film we'd all been watching has a very thinly veiled anti-feminist sub-text - you know, as you do. (Well that's what passes for conversation in my house anyway )

MIL actually got very offended, told us that we didn't know how to enjoy a film (we had enjoyed it!) and that it was nonsense to image the (very obvious!) anti-woman subtext.

It occurred to me afterwards that she had got so upset as she'd seed it as an attack on her, which it really wasn't in the slightest.

I think perhaps she has a tendency to take things too personally.

Maybe she thinks I'm judging her?