Supporting an abuser?

[SensitiveNamechange]

Namechanged for sensitivity reasons. Can't give details, but recently found out that a friend has been accused of sexually abusing a child. I am friends with him, and the abused child's mother. Right now I hate him, and am trying to support the mother and child as well as I can. I firmly believe that it is important to believe a victim no matter how difficult it can be, but part of me just doesn't think it is possible.
He is my friend, he has cared for my DD (another worry, frankly) and I have cared about him for years. Is it wrong to want to help him too? I don't realistically think I can, without jeapordising my relationship with the mother, who is frankly more deserving of my support.

What to do? Sorry, it just helps to try to unmuddle my thoughts a little writing it down.

Depends on the evidence against him? Chinese whispers JK style or proper SS police input?

He's been charged.

Then no. No support at all. Support the victims.

It must be hard for you, to accept he did this you'll have to accept that you have poor judgement when it comes to people you have trusted round your DC.

Most abusers aren't scary people, they are nice, hense why they are trusted.

Support the mother, but most importantly, protect yourself, you don't need to hear his excuses. It's ok to refuse to have contact with any of them until you have your head straight about it all.

Abusers are manipulative. I don't think IMHO that your friendship is what you thought it was.

No, clearly I have poor judgement. :( But then so did all our friends. Such a shit situation, I can't fathom it. :(

That's the trouble with most abusers they are so devious & clever at covering their tracks, it DOESN'T seem possible even to those closest to them. That said you are understandably upset about not supporting your chum & also the fact that possibly he is not the man you thought he was, I'm sorry for your dilemma.

That said, charges have been brought & disproved before but I agree with you about supporting the victim & mother.

Awful situation for you, you must be very confused.

You can't blame yourself for your poor judgement. Nobody can 'sniff out' an abuser or lets face it no-one would ever be on the receiving end of abuse.

It is shit.

Thanks. Yes, shit it is. But no, I can't support him, can I? Fucker.

Dh's best friend was convicted of downloading child pornography. Lots of it. Including very nasty violent images as well (as if ordinary images of child abuse are not bad enough!)

We cut contact with him immediately. We both felt really angry - it was like he had lied to us both by appearing to be a 'decent' person - when he obviously wasn't. In the end I think we both went through a grieving process where we felt like he'd died! Has to be done though - from what we heard, he was justifying his actions, ahifting blame and still using internet porn constantly - not much chance of rehabilitation there.

In my experience

1. they don't change, barring a huge personal transformation, which should probably include the development of godlike powers and wings with white feathers on
2. if they do appear to have changed, I bet you those white feather are fucking glued on
3. You can't support them, nor should you.

But it is sad. I honestly believe that they leave some part of their humanity behind, forever, when they cross the line and damage another human being like that. It can never be undone.

No, I don't think you can. The 'friend' you thought he was didn't exist, sadly it was just a very clever facade. Paedophiles can very adept at befriending people and gaining trust. I recently read an article that said they can be adept at successfully grooming prison guards/parole officers etc to believe that they are 'cured' and are no danger to society any more. Scary stuff.

Your first concern should be your child. Talk to them, make sure they are ok. Only then can you begin to work out what you think about the allegations.

Unfortunately, while many allegations are true, some are not. Listen to the evidence. Listen to your instincts. Keep your child safe and keep your sanity. Good luck.

"but part of me just doesn't think it is possible"
It is important that he realises what he has done wrong and that no excuses are made for him. He will have people working with him to help him to face up to his crime.

"Is it wrong to want to help him too?"

The 'help' he needs will be directed by others, if you stay to support him, you will have to face up to what he has done, could have done to your DD and why he has done and feels as he does.

Only you will know if you could do that. If he is guilty, you will also have to realise that you will be 'flagged up' as a parent "in touch with someone who poses a risk to children", if there is any hint of you covering up anything you will be investigated, so be careful.

As Bossy has said, paedophiles are indeed devious and go to great lengths to cover their tracks.

Paedophilia is recognised as being a sexual orientation and, in the generally accepted sense of the word, it is not possible for paedophiles to be 'rehabilitated'.

How old is your dd? Has she ever been left alone with this man?

God, how awful for all concerned.

I'm struggling to find the right words here. Clearly I'm not familiar with the personalities involved, or the allegations. It might be very clear cut. But I believe very strongly in innocent until found guilty and the rule of law. It bothers me that although your friend has been charged he has not been convicted, but it seems he's already been judged by your circle of friends.

I agree that it's imperative to believe the victim and her family, and support them. But is there any way you could let your friend know that if he isn't convicted then you'll be there for him?

If he committed the crimes and is convicted then he will receive professional support in due course. But if he didn't then losing your friendship would be dreadful.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I hope my post hasn't caused offence.

Do not blame yourself for trusting this man. That is what we as humans tend to do as default. To suggest you had poor judgement was actually quite cruel. He would have been an expert in manipulation and deception.

I think you have to ask yourself why you want to support him? I mean seriously, why? Do you think he deserves your support? He won't change and he will more than likely abuse that support. In addition, whilst not knowing the details, is more than likely a threat to your childen. I fail to see how being a support to him wouldn't involve risking them. Your priority is your children and by supporting him you are sending out the message that his needs and feelings are above those of your children.

I also believe in the principle of 'innocent until proven guilty'. However, in a case like this, an innocent man would fully understand that friends and acquaintances would not want to let their DC have anything to do with him, however upsetting he might find that. You might want to seek professional advice WRT your own DC, depending on their ages and if they seem distressed in any way.
It is, however, worth bearing in mind that sometimes an abused child names someone other than the real abuser as the culprit, out of fear or misplaced loyalty, so it is not impossible that your friend is innocent, but right now you need to concentrate on your own DC's safety and on supporting the mother and the victim.

You could try to offer him some support regardless of guilt or innocence. You would probably have to deal with other people reacting badly to this and you would need energy reserves and maturity to deal with that but it might help you understand what happened and gain some insight into his behaviour.

Cinnabar- it can take a year to build a case to a level were it can go to court because of the softly softly approach needed towards the victim.

Alot of child sex offenders are never convicted, it would surprise the public that this is the case even when they confess.

Their details are kept on the system as they look to befriend people with children, so that it 'flags up' when their name is mentioned. Most of the women that they target normally have services involved because they are vulnerable.

Giving support means that you could never have him around your child or any one else's. It can lead those around you into a false sense of security because they think as a single man that he is ok.

Giving support as a parent if he is guilty could mean making a chioce between him and your children or grandchildren, depending on what you count as support. Or would you all be happy if your parents had befriended a child sex offender and kept contact through your childhood and after you had your own children?

Anyone working in the field wil tell you that there are alot more child sex offenders around than is talked about.

No, you don't support him. Just because you can't believe it, that's the way it always is. That's what enables these people to manipulate and thrive.

You cut them dead. I found out my Father was a pedophile and I cut him dead. None of this 'blood is thicker than water' bullshit. That's weak and self serving. People who support pedophiles are no better than them.

They can go to special treatment but it's never really been very successful. They pretend to go along with the treatment but never change. Pedophiles are hard wired to be what they are. They can't change and don't want to. Compassion is MISPLACED and will be used by the pedophile to further their objective, that objective is to abuse.

They look and act just like everyone else. Let the courts deal with him.. If there is a mistake he has to understand that because of the nature of the charges people had no choice but to err on the side of caution. Yes. it's a nightmare for him IF he is innocent but there is nothing YOU can do only stand back and wait.

You poor thing, it's an awful and devastaing thing to find out someone you trusted has had these accusations made against them. Please do not put any blame on yourself or think your judgement is poor, as others have said, paedophiles are mighty good at putting on a facade of being lovely, honest, kind, trustworthy etc.

Earlier this year a teacher at my child's school, someone who I counted as a good friend (I worked at the school), someone whom I would've trusted with the care of any child, was convicted of sexual abuse of a child and downloading hundreds of images of child pornography. It shocked me to my very core, sickened me, my family, the school and the community. The man was extremely well liked and respected and not a single person saw it coming.

Please do offer your love and support to the victim and of course, ensure the safety of your own child. If this man is indeed innocent he will receive support in the long term. A victim always derserves to be believed.

Good luck.

The worst thing about paedophiles - apart from the abuse - is that they are very plausible. My 'd'm procured me to be abused, took her little sister to be abused, yet 4 years after she disowned us, we were getting letters from people offering to bring her to our house for afternoon tea, as she was so 'upset' that we weren't speaking to her .

I rang the elderly lady concerned, and she was very apologetic to have caused me any more pain. As I said to her, the problem is that paedophiles are so very plausible. A little shocked, she agreed.

Just wanted to add something else to this thread.
My exBIL abused me when I was a child.
When I was older (40 years later, in fact) I went to the police and he was arrested and interviewed. I, too gave dozens of statements. Harrowing doesnt start to describe what it was like.
He was charged and just before the Court appearence, confessed and basically got his hand slapped.
He is now being "supported" by his children and Gs/Gds, because he was a "good dad" and he is old, ill etc.
My point (s) being-
It is extremely difficult to get an accusation to stick and for the accused to be charged, even though i had rock solid evidence after such a long time.
For a charge to stick, the police must have a compelling case against him.
They are the most evil, manipulative bastards ever to have breathed and that will NEVER change.
OP - I do understand how mixed up and shocked you feel, but for it to get this far rings alarm bells with me. Very loud bells.
Having said all this (rambling mess) it does not mean he has abused your DD, although I would gently broach the issues surrounding him with her. They choose their victims extremely carefully.
Please support your friend. I didnt tell because to do so when my parents were alive would have torn my family apart.
We dont know the circumstances, but either your friend or her DD must have reported the abuse ?
Brave beyond measure.
Good luck.
sorry for going on about me me me , but having been there, its a terribly emotive subject.

I'm going through this just now have been told it will be up to a year from start to finish. my mum hasn't spoken to me since I told her to stop mentioning her PFB's name she doesn't know that he was arrested last week and bailed, my brother was warned by my older sister to keep him away from his girls, but no he wont take his fucking rose tinted glasses off as he's lovely to him and his kids I'm 41 the abuse stopped nearly 29 years ago and I'm only just realising the damage this monster did. PLEASE DON'T SUPPORT HIM [sorry for shouting]

I think as others have said, the friends and family of the abusers DO go through a grieving process as well as the heartbreaking process of supporting the abused child.

The grooming & deceit that is built up, often slowly over years, helps build a respectable loving image to encourage the child & wider family to trust them.

Then when that is revealed as a complete fabrication there is a double whammy, grief & guilt that a child has been violated by someone whom everyone trusted, and grief & guilt for not seeing through the facade, feeling foolish for being deceived.

I am always when there is talk about rehabilitation of these bastards, if a man likes big busty blondes then that's his nature, rehab won't change that. If his naure is to be atttracted to paedophilia then he can't /won't change. They learn to feed the authorities the lines they want to hear to prove the rehab has worked, get released & carry on just as before. They should not be released, which I know leads to practical issues but that's another debate.