Supporting an abuser?

[SensitiveNamechange]

Namechanged for sensitivity reasons. Can't give details, but recently found out that a friend has been accused of sexually abusing a child. I am friends with him, and the abused child's mother. Right now I hate him, and am trying to support the mother and child as well as I can. I firmly believe that it is important to believe a victim no matter how difficult it can be, but part of me just doesn't think it is possible.
He is my friend, he has cared for my DD (another worry, frankly) and I have cared about him for years. Is it wrong to want to help him too? I don't realistically think I can, without jeapordising my relationship with the mother, who is frankly more deserving of my support.

What to do? Sorry, it just helps to try to unmuddle my thoughts a little writing it down.

Confidence- direct quote from you- "The police would be trying to protect the victim from having to give evidence"- this was what I was referring to, not your paraphrase of another poster.

Giving evidence is done by what the police.call special measures si the victim doesn't have to face the abuser its via videolink

what "little dig" confidence ?

the one where I said the best thing you could do is simply admit you dropped a massive clanger and just apologise

yes, I did notice you ignored that

Victoria - Here is that quote from me in context:

Someone said that the police tend to wait until they're pretty certain of conviction in these cases because of the potentially harrowing effect upon victims having to give evidence...

The OP didn't give any information about what the accusation was, so we have no way of knowing where it was on that spectrum, and therefore how much the police would be trying to protect the victim from having to give evidence.

I've already explained quite clearly that the statement you quoted was made by prettyfly - you can go back and read it on page 2 of this thread. Everything on the subject since then was me disputing whether this is always going to be equally true. Actually I'm not sure whether I even think it's true in general, but that's beside the point BECAUSE I NEVER SAID IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

Now can you please just take my clarification in good faith rather than jumping on the fucking bandwagon and insisting I must be saying something I'm not? Better still just go back and READ the passage where it came up - from prettyfly. Like the thing with Basil and Thunder and the definition of sexual abuse, this is really a very simple matter of clarification that shouldn't have taken long.

And then I get the fucking blame for derailing the thread.

Confidence, it's all there in black and white, and that's not even including your deleted posts. Anyone can read it, your meaning and wording is clear.

If there was a 'hide poster' thread (something I've been against in the past) I would hide you, simply because of what you have posted on this thread.

'hide poster' function

OK.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP, but as I think you now realise, you have to support the child. When charges have been brought, the odds are overwhelmingly against the accused being innocent.

There are posters like Confidence on every thread about rape. They choose to ignore that the 'false' reporting rates are low and that for a case to reach the point where someone is charged, the odds are stacked against the allegation being false.

i just wish sanctioning child abuse was a bannable offense on a parenting website.

the person has been charged with a sexual child abuse offense and you imagine it could be a minor indiscretion? there is nothing minor about child abuse. there is no grey line here - it is against the law for very good reason to sexually assault children.

it's not like murder where it could be self defense for example it is the choice of an adult to have sexual contact with a child for their own gratification in full awareness that is against the law even if they are not right enough in the head to know that it is 'wrong'.

i am stunned you are still a member of this site.

Agreed, Santa. These posts by Confidence's are in a stark contrast to MN's 'I Believe You' campaign.

Child abuse victims often cite a fear of not being believed as a reason for not coming forward, threads that are derailed in this way will only serve to reinforce that fear. Yuk.