Supporting an abuser?

[SensitiveNamechange]

Namechanged for sensitivity reasons. Can't give details, but recently found out that a friend has been accused of sexually abusing a child. I am friends with him, and the abused child's mother. Right now I hate him, and am trying to support the mother and child as well as I can. I firmly believe that it is important to believe a victim no matter how difficult it can be, but part of me just doesn't think it is possible.
He is my friend, he has cared for my DD (another worry, frankly) and I have cared about him for years. Is it wrong to want to help him too? I don't realistically think I can, without jeapordising my relationship with the mother, who is frankly more deserving of my support.

What to do? Sorry, it just helps to try to unmuddle my thoughts a little writing it down.

Poor you :( its awful for everyone, difficult to imagine that one person can cause so much hurt to those around them. Have you spoken to your own children about it?

Depends on the situation.

Don't flame me.

One of our friends spilt with the mother of the child (a boy) and due to having no where of his own moved back with his mother. The house was small so Dad and son had to double up in a bed. The Ex was a complete b1@ch and reported him to SS for 'abuse'. One of the allegations was 'blowing raspberries on the childs tummy'. Police investigation. There was no abuse and it never went any further.

Although I always say you never know what goes on behind closed doors. I would hate for someone to be ostracised by their community when there really is nothing but spite behind accusations. On the otherhand I would hate for a child to not be believed.

I tend to agree with troisgarcons, and am not sure why you seem to have already decided your friend is guilty.

It's hard to say much about how likely his guilt is since, quite understandably, you can't tell us anything about the case. And in any case, I tend to find the constant search for likelihood in such cases rather annoying and would rather people just let the judicial process take its course. In the meantime, your friend is innocent until proven guilty.

Although I certainly wouldn't blame you for keeping your kids away from him until and unless he is shown to be innocent - neither would he, I suspect.

Of course I'm not saying the accuser is lying - again, we know nothing about anyone involved here. But if you think about it, "always believe the victim" doesn't really make sense. It's a tautological statement because it presupposes that they ARE a victim - that the facts of the case have been established. If that's the case, then you don't have to "believe" them, you just acknowledge those established facts. OTOH by starting with the assumption that they are a victim you are prejudicing the possible innocence of the accused.

Trois and Concerned - I kind of see what you mean but I didnt think in these sorts of super sensitive cases where children were involved that charges were ever bought until the police were absolutely sure they could realistically look to get a conviction - mainly becuase the trauma to the victims is so severe throughout the process. This man has been charged so it would be a fair assumption that there is some compelling evidence at play.

confidence even, not concerned apologies

I think this is a case where divided loyalties may come into the equation.

I agree with all people saying that you shouldn't support him, however, I disagree that you should support mother and victim instead.

If you cannot make your mind about supporting him or not, it would be better if you just get away of both your friends for a while. If I were the mother I would be mortified to know that someone who has been "supporting me" thought the aggressor was a nice person and had doubts that such abuse happened.

I much rather not have you around during that time, to be honest.

I can understand your thoughts Falsa but I think in this case its more originally thinking of offering support for the friend she thought she knew, who MAY have been falsely accused.

But then thinking it through, and realising that as charges have been brought, he isn't the man she thought he was and indeed the mother & child were the ONLY ones who needed support.

Hope I'm not putting words into you mouth OP just paraphrasing what I thought you'd been saying.

It's a horrible situation, and not easy to process, I hope your thoughts are a little clearer now OP.

Always supporting the victim is pretty dangerous. This means anyone could accuse anyone of anything and have your support? Have you spoken to your friend about what happened? He is innocent until proven guilty. It amazes me the number of people who reacted to him being charged as being guilt (no matter how compelling the evidence or the type of case etc). Imagine if he didn't do it? Imagine how he is feeling? This is why we have our judicial system and it is the most respected in the world.

and yes, my spelling is a bit off

call it shock that you would post something like that on a parenting website

Unless people don't believe people who've been mugged, burgled or defrauded for example, there's no reason to disbelieve someone who has been sexually assaulted or raped.

It's rapists and child molesters who lie about their crimes, not victims who report what was done to them.

OP there's nothing wrong with wanting to help your accused friend, that's a natural reaction. The thing that would be wrong would be acting on that feeling.

It's rapists and child molesters who lie about their crimes, not victims who report what was done to them.

Sadly that is very untrue. Many teens know full well how damaging it can be to accuse someone of abuse, and have been known to use this threat as a weapon. :(

Hmmm, I think what would be accurate there is that child molesters target teenagers, and then accuse them of lying when the teenagers report them.

The sad thing is that people will side with the child abusers and rapists and then use these stories as "proof" that teens lie when the opposite is true. :(

squeaky...go do some thinking about

1. the number of abusers who get away with it (lots and lots)

2. the vanishingly small number of false accusations

3. whether using the second category as a reason to not believe victims of abuse makes you a good person, or not....or in fact categorises you as a colluder

Squeakytoy can you provide figures to back up your (erroneous) assertion please.

Bet you can't.

Sadly there are many paedophiles that go free not because their victims are lying, but because the law is an ass.

As Basilrathbone says, they have groomed us as well as their victims, and IMO they are perfectly capable of grooming solicitors and judges as well.

Don't let your husband near your daughter again. Err on the side of caution - it's not worth the risk. This is so sad.

Re false abuse-I worked on a case many moons ago where a man(now my friend) was accused of abuse. He was in a position of authority for some years which involved lots of contact with young people with differing, but sometimes harrowing, life experiences. After years of court appearances he was exonerated when the accuser confessed he'd made it all up to get at the man for some perceived slight.

My point is that he was and is a good man-his view, even after being put through the wringer(and he was, big time), that it was entirely understandable why the boy had done what he had done(going by the boy's life experiences etc) and he bore no ill will towards him. He said he would much rather see children making accusations, even if false, than people getting away with abuse, which I found amazing at the time.

Bit long winded, apologies. You see, as has been said, if he is a good man, he will entirely accept and understand the reaction of other people.

And OP, perhaps this dilemma is almost solely to do with your shock at this news, and how you are beginning to process it? Once you have done that, it may well become clear to you that there is no need to even think about supporting him-if he needs help it will be offered from other quarters.

I've seen this from both sides. A former teacher of mine was accused of molesting several children. By the time it came to court the charges had been whittled down from about 6 victims to 2. He was eventually convicted but it was clear that there were a great number of allegations identical to the offences he was convicted of where there just wasn't enough hard evidence to proceed.

On the other hand a female friend of mine who is a very dedicated and caring teacher was the victim of a false accusation. The accuser was a malicious attention seeker who had made multiple accusations over the years against a range of teachers, both male and female, subjecting all of them to protracted police investigations. My friend had excellent backing from her union and very good legal representation. The school cut her loose with a 'we always support the victim' attitude even though they knew this pupil had a track record of false claims. She, like Peppermint's friend, did accept this as fair enough, but the police investigation was very tough and they seemed more keen on laying a charge than getting at the truth.

While the OP needs to ensure that her child is nowhere near the accused until the truth is established and completely acknowledging that paedophiles are exceptionally manipulative, having seen what I've seen I believe very strongly in innocent unless proven guilty.

Oh yes, the police want to get a conviction no mistake, (in my experience). The case I quote had nasty overtones of homophobia on the part of those investigating as the man is gay. I'll never forget the policeman searching his flat and taking away a pack of matches with the Terence Higgins Trust written on it. "Evidence" apparently. I asked him "evidence of what?" but he just looked stumped! It started badly and got worse!

OP- as regards your DC, it may be wise for you to contact your local SS and ask them to interview your DC to see if they have been abused. Better to get the professionals to do this than you ask yourself, as you may unwittingly tamper with evidence. Also this preemptive action by you will protect you, if you are accused of exposing your child to an abuser.

With regards to the law: the British legal system is adversarial rather than inquisitorial (unlike almost everywhere else). The purpose of a trial is NOT to determine the truth but for two opposing sides to put arguments across and for the jury to take one side or another. This leads to big gaps in investigations and some crimes esp sexual crimes to have v low conviction rates compared to other jurisdictions. The accused in our system have a strong defensive position and need a very high balance of probability against them to be convicted. The fall out from this is a vv low conviction rate which should not be (but often is, as we can see on this thread) confused with evidence of innocence.

Santa, MNHQ would disagree with you (and me)