Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Daughter's relationship with older man

63 replies

Rdoo · 26/12/2011 23:07

I wasn't sure if this is the right section for this but I'll give it a go...
My daughter is 19, she's a nice, sensible girl who has never given us any trouble. She's recently told us she is seeing a man of 28 and although I would have thought of myself as a "liberal parent" the age difference makes me (and my husband) feel uneasy. Well, it's not so much the age difference but the fact she is just 19, I would probably feel different if she was 30 and he was 39.

My husband works in a field similar to the young man and although he doesn't know him he has heard nothing but good things about him, we also have some friends who know his family and again, we hear nothing but good things. We are also arranging to meet him shortly. I'm probably being paranoid and unreasonable but I can't help wondering why someone of that age would be interested in a teenager.

I know age is just a number, there's nothing illegal about it and very little I can do etc but I was hoping someone could put my mind at rest, is it such a big deal, would you be concerned and what would you do in my situation?

OP posts:

Kayano · 26/12/2011 23:13

I would relax.

She is 19 and sounds very sensible. Could be with someone closer in age who is a knob. Don't judge and sit back and see what happens. He may be the one

Eglu · 26/12/2011 23:17

DH is 9 years older than me. We met when I was 21 and he was 30. Not much different to your DD really. I think my Mum was a little concerned at first, but she met him and liked him.

As we get older our age difference doesn't sound as big. we have been together 13 years now.

I think if your DD was 20 even, you may feel differently, it is probably the teen bit. But she is an adult, and finding a nice man is more important than age.

kittycat68 · 26/12/2011 23:18

gosh! im sure i would be worried myself if this happened to my child my instincts would be the same as yours big age difference and what would he see in a nineteen year old, alarm bells would go off to me too and probably most parents. BUT remain cool, meet him see what you think and then go by your gut reaction. At this age you need to be there there for her rather than putting your foot down it would only push them further together and not help your relationship with your daughter we all know how teenagers can be. i think you are right to be concerned but go with the flow and and meet him and then take it from there you never know he may be really nice! good luck.

suburbophobe · 26/12/2011 23:18

I can understand your worry, and as a single mum of a now 20 year old son, all I can say is keep the lines of communication open.

There's always going to be times when you wonder if their choices are right ones, but alienating them is defeating the purpose. Just let them know that the door is always open for them. And let them get on with their own "experimentation". (Plus the safe sex and drugs etc. chats..).

At least he has a good reputation riding ahead of him. Not like he's from the wrong side of the tracks....

(Somebody down the road - who I used to see skipping around as a child - got into a relationship at around 14 and had 2 kids by 20, the father was in in and out of jail from what I could gather....).

Good luck!

workshy · 26/12/2011 23:18

I was 19 when I started seeing my now ex who was 33 at the time (yes he's my ex now but we were together for 13 years so didn't give it a bad go)

19 year olds are stubborn creatures -the more my parents quietly objected, the more I dug my heels in and wanted to be with him

we both say that when we first got together we didn't realise the age gap but it came more apparent as I hit my late 20s

age gap relationships are not necessarily a bad thing though

my grandparents had an 18 year gap and lived very happily in each others company for over 40 years

secretary · 26/12/2011 23:26

My sister is 12 years younger than her DP - they were 18 and 30 respectively when they got together.

She was cacking herself about my Dad finding out, but given his partner is 15 years younger than him, he wouldn't have been able to say much. As it turned out, he was fine about it. He also knew there was no point to objecting, because it would have driven the family apart and them closer together.

They've now been together 11 years. As with all relationships, there have been ups and downs and he can be a dick sometimes, but none of their problems have been age related. In fact, their many are down to him being so immature and her being so mature - it's like she's the older one.

SalmeMurrikAgain · 26/12/2011 23:46

When I was 16 I started going out with a 24-year-old. He was my first 'proper' boyfriend, if you will, and it lasted for about 18 months. He dropped me when I went away to university (I think he felt it for the best to let me get on with the rest of my life and in retrospect he was quite right). He was a nice guy and there was nothing exploitative going on but I kept it from my family as they wouldn't have seen it that way. Some friends were a bit odd about it too, but this was back in the early 1990s and I think it would be less socially acceptable now.

I remember a mutual friend remarking that I was very mature for my age and R was very immature for his, so everything should work out fine!

I subsequently met my husband at 19 and we married when I was 22 - he's 5 years older and I proposed to him! We've now been together almost 17 very happy years, DS was born after 10 years of marriage.

Anyway, FWIW, I think people mature at different rates and a 19-year-old should be capable of making decent choices and maybe a few interesting mistakes along the way if they have had good role models at home.

RubyrooUK · 27/12/2011 00:07

My ex and I went out when I was 20 and he was 33. We were together four years and in the end, we split up for reasons that were nothing to do with age. When people saw us together, they knew why we were together - we just got on famously. I've always been able to get on with people of any age and he was the same. So when you look at those ages on paper, it can sound a little suspect but it was a very equal relationship between two adults who liked each other. So hopefully your daughter feels the same way.

pickgo · 27/12/2011 00:14

The trouble is with an older man they can manipulate a younger woman in all sorts of ways the woman won't even be aware of. I feel your anxiety OP.

At least if you are going to meet him you can see what sort he is. I'd try to stay as detached and neutral as you can and look out for signs of how he treats her, how they interact, whether she is her normal self etc. Encourage DD to talk to you about him so she gets plenty of opportunities to think 'out loud' about him.

staylucky · 27/12/2011 00:15

Looking back I wish my parents had bothered to voice their concerns over age gaps in my past relationships. There are things you know when you are in late 20's and 30's that would NEVER occur to you late teens, I think there's a reason you are supposed to go through life as an equal in experience and age with a partner.

Saying that he sounds ok so far and like workshy says above sometimes a parents disapproval can have the opposite effect. Meet him and see what you think.

BandOMothers · 27/12/2011 00:21

I had a boyfriend of 27 when I was 17...I was fine!

suburbophobe · 27/12/2011 00:27

...and the father of my child was 13 years younger...

Not together now, but nothing to do with the age....

Life goes on, not all relationships are meant to be for ever.

Original poster

Rdoo · 27/12/2011 00:28

Thanks for the quick responses.
I knew people would come on and talk about successful relationships with age differences, it helps.
I absolutely would never dream of forbidding her from seeing him or anything like that, I know that would be counterproductive and very unfair of me, it's her life, not mine, I can only guide. We've a good relationship, she's very open with us and I know that would end if we done anything drastic.

Picko, your first line in your post just sums up my concerns. She's a sensible girl but she is a typical 19 year old, I wouldn't say she was mature beyond her years. I'm a little concerned that someone older could manipulate her. Particularly by someone who has a lot more life experience. She seems to really like him, I think maybe a little bit of puppy love also.
The young man, from what we know, is in a good job, probably on a decent wage with a career in front of him etc and the paranoid person in me just keeps thinking "what's in this for him".

I feel awful saying that, he could be lovely, his only crime being a little older.

OP posts:

TheDetective · 27/12/2011 00:31

I am 27, DP is 21. We were 25 and 19 when we started dating. It works for us. I can't see any issue.

DS's Dad is 29, his girlfriend is 20, they were 26 and 17 when they started dating. He did lie about her age (to me anyway) for a year .

Of the two sets of relationships (me and dp together for 2 years, him and his gf together for 3 years) my DP is the one who has shown the most maturity. His gf refused and still refuses to meet my DS, as she doesn't want to see him 'as a dad'. Must make him uncool or something.

fortyplus · 27/12/2011 00:36

When I was young I had several relationships with much older men. I don't think they manipulated me! I enjoyed the fact that they were more mature than typical teenage boys tend to be. I ended up with dh who is the same age as me - we met when I was 23.

DingDongQuintessentialNight · 27/12/2011 00:39

I had a 28 year old boyfriend when I was 19. I introduced him to my parents.

I had a relationship with a 35 year old when I was 18. I used to sometimes miss school to go and meet him in his flat (he was a film director, and worked from home a lot). My parents did not know about this one....

I am not in touch with either, but would say I learnt valuable lessons from both, and neither has not had any negative effect on me, or my life.

pickgo · 27/12/2011 00:42

I think, regardless of his career, finances etc, it's more the sort of relationship they have that you need to focus on. What's in it for him might just be sex (classic) or control (also classic) or immature (might be ok) or genuine meeting of minds (very rare).

DON'T feel awful being sceptical and cautious - you need to really withold judgement and be a dragon be reserved until you are sure he is ok.

TheDetective (I fear a story lies behind that name) Your DS's dad may have lied to you about the age of his gf, as he was legally committing statutory rape as she was under 18.

DingDongQuintessentialNight · 27/12/2011 00:47

My 35 year old - purely sexual
My 28 year old - meeting of minds, he was really immature. (with hindsight)

lisad123 · 27/12/2011 00:47

I was 17 when I met my now dh, he was 22. We are still happily together 13 years on. I was young but very sensible and hated boys my own age.

If his nice and She is sensible, they will be fine. It might be a good thing. His likely done all his wild teen stuff, and so unlikely to mess her about.
Not every young person needs to have a wild teen years before settling.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 27/12/2011 00:48

Pickgo - the age of consent is 16, not 18.

When I started seeing my ex, I was 17 and he was 28. It fizzled out after a year or so because of personality differences, not age.

squeakytoy · 27/12/2011 00:48

I have had relationships on both scales of age difference. At 15, I was seeing someone who was 20.. at 30 I was seeing someone who was 20.... both relationships ran their course, (first one lasted 4 years, the latter was 2 years) but the age difference was only an issue with the younger bloke. Along the way I have had other relationships, and it is rare I have been out with anyone who has been the same age as me.

I am married to someone who is 8.5 years older than me, and there is absolutely no noticeable age difference, and we get on great.

A 28yo bloke is not going to treat your daughter any worse than a lad her own age. If anything, he will treat her much better.

lisad123 · 27/12/2011 00:49

Why does he have to have a control or sexual issue. Maybe his just a lad who found a lovely vi and wants to date her

yellowraincoat · 27/12/2011 00:50

I think 19 and 28 is fine if she is mature and he is nice. When I was 22, I went out with a guy who was 38 and that was fine, if anything he treated me better than younger guys did.

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 27/12/2011 01:05

I think the fact that he has got a good reputation and has a good job should make it a bit easy for you to relax. I am sure he will treat your daughter well.

pretendhousewife · 27/12/2011 01:24

I wouldn't encourage this relationship, I understand your mistrust of this man. My question is why he hasn't found anyone closer to his age to hook up with. As you say OP, there's nothing you can do about this, and voicing your concerns may be the very worst thing to do.

You're right to feel concerned for her, but you may have to just stand by and let her make her own mistakes. I remember an older man trying to seduce me at that age and it was very tempting - he had all that power, the big job, the nice flat. But something felt very uncomfortable and nothing ever happened. I think in the end it is that unequal power that makes these relationships fail.

I guess you could give her the 'how do you see yourself in 5 years time' talk.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread