Daughter's relationship with older man

[Rdoo]

I wasn't sure if this is the right section for this but I'll give it a go...
My daughter is 19, she's a nice, sensible girl who has never given us any trouble. She's recently told us she is seeing a man of 28 and although I would have thought of myself as a "liberal parent" the age difference makes me (and my husband) feel uneasy. Well, it's not so much the age difference but the fact she is just 19, I would probably feel different if she was 30 and he was 39.

My husband works in a field similar to the young man and although he doesn't know him he has heard nothing but good things about him, we also have some friends who know his family and again, we hear nothing but good things. We are also arranging to meet him shortly. I'm probably being paranoid and unreasonable but I can't help wondering why someone of that age would be interested in a teenager.

I know age is just a number, there's nothing illegal about it and very little I can do etc but I was hoping someone could put my mind at rest, is it such a big deal, would you be concerned and what would you do in my situation?

Why does he have to be a bad guy!! Why does his age make him someone to watch out for?
My little brother is 28years old and the sweetest man you could date. Not all men who date younger woman are freaks with control issues!
We aren't talking about a 14/15 year old here. She is 19years, she is an adult!!

I agree with you Lisa.

At 19 I was in my own house, that I was paying a mortgage on. I was not a child. I was progressing in a very good career and my parents had no involvement in my sex life.

OP maybe I'm just cynical but this man seems to be a paragon of virtue according to everyone he meets and I would question this in itself. Maybe he is a genuinely good man. However, this is also how many charming, manipulative or controlling men appear to everyone else but their victims. A 19 year old would be a gift to an abuser.

His job prospects etc are not as relevant here as how he treats her, in public and in private. It is going to be essential that your DD knows you will support her choices and that she knows she can talk to you about anything. Abusive men can be very skilful at ingratiating themselves so by all means welcome him and accept him into your daughters life, but keep your ears and eyes open.

Lets hope he is a lovely man who is genuinely interested in your DD and treats her well in every way.

I had my own flat at 21 squeaky, but at 19 I had only just lost my virginity. I would never have related to a man of 28 as an equal.

28 is not that old IMO...if he was 48 I might be concerned though

Well...she's an adult. Chances are, they'll have fun for a bit (just as she would in a relationship with a 21 year old) & then go their separate ways - either because they're at different stages in life, or just because that's what you do in your late teens/20s - try out different relationships until one works.

Or they might be blissfully happy together when he's 90 & she's 81.

I'd had quite a few bfs by the time I married for the first time in my late 20s, including a couple of age gap r/ships (two were men in their 30s when I was in my late teens). With hindsight, they weren't all particularly lovely - but it's not like there was a global shortage of fuckwitted 20 year old males, either, whilst I was kissing frogs.

I would treat it as a young relationship & keep out of it as much as you can. The more you interfere, the more she's likely to dive into the arms of the older chap with whom she's trying out Being A Grown Up - don't make too much of a fuss, & either he'll turn out to be a 'keeper' or she'll realise in her own time that she doesn't have much in common with him.

"what's in it for him?"

Sexual attraction! Sex with a much younger partner.

(sorry).

IME age gaps that size when the younger person is late-teens reflect badly on the older party, eg suggesting immaturity, controlling tendencies or social awkwardness. My friend went out with someone ten years older from when she was 17 to early 20s, he was really shy and had few friends his own age, but a nice person. The young men I knew at uni (early to mid 20s) would sometimes talk about younger women being sexy etc, (ie sexier than women in their 20s! The fhm affect, grrrr) but most would only go out with women in their 20s. The ones who went out with teens would get the piss taken out of them.

Agree with others though that not a lot you can do.

I started seeing my xh when I was 14 and he was 20.
We had 28 years together.

Let it run it's course and be there for your DD when needed.
They are both adults.

I also think 19 and 28 is fine. She may out grow him, she may not. But it's not really a huge age gap imo.

I had a releationship with a 27 year old when I was 19. It lasted for about a year before he got a job in another town.

Looking back, he was a decent man who just fancied me. There wasn't anything sinister in it at all, and he went on to marry someone roughly the same age as himself. So not someone who routinely went out with young girls.

I was very sure of my own mind and place in the world when I was 19, so felt I was mature enough to make my own decisions, and I did. It could have gone wrong, but it didn't. The thing is I am 50 now and I've made many mistakes in my life. But I feel exactly the same as I did at 19, I still know my own mind and place in the world!

Oh and I would still go out with someone who was 8 years older than me if it wasn't for my DH who is 6 years younger!

My concern is that he will get his heart broken. Your daughter is young and this probably won't develop into anything other than a fun relationship for her, yet he will be thinking about settling down.

I had lots of unserious relationships with older men, lived a lot, learned a lot and had a lot of fun.

At 15, I had an 18yo boyfriend (relationship lasted 18 months). At 16.5 I had a 24yo boyfriend (lasted 2 years) I went out with someone my own age for 5 years from 20 but that ended terribly as I got so sick of having to be the sensible one, the one who made sure the mortgage was paid while he went out drinking, of feeling more like his mother than his girlfriend...I married my husband 5 years ago who is 9 years older than me. It works for us.

My older boyfriend when I was 16 wasn't ready to commit or 'settle down' and so we got on brilliantly, because all we wanted to do was go out and have fun at weekends and have someone to be with, without the 'where is this relationship going' stuff. It wasn't 'going' anywhere and when I went to university I finished it.

Just because there is a big gap, does not mean he is some sort of threat. Just let them have fun. He may be the one, he may not - it's up to her to decide.

i had a similar age gap relationship at that time of my life. without getting into whether it was good or bad (that's about individuals not age) the negative sides i guess were that a lot of my 'firsts' were experienced with someone who'd done them already. there is the risk of not getting the full enjoyment out of your 'stage' and time. but then it depends on her - i was about to start uni when i got together with the guy, i was about to move to london and he was going too (though we lived separately). he'd already lived in london, knew it like the back of his hand after doing courier work whilst at uni there.

i think i possibly missed out on some of the 'fullness' of my experiences in those few years with him and couldn't partake quite as much in the uni experience.

but then if we were both from/in the same town, both already working and had established friendship groups, family etc then it would be very different.

sorry if this is a bit random. oh and of course if they are your first 'big' love then in all likelihood you are not theirs and this is kind of.... i don't know, sad in a way. a lot of your firsts are old hat for them.

I was 17 when i met exh .he was 26.
He lavished me with gifts and attention...to begin with.
Turned out to be controlling and abusive , and often cheated. We had 3 children by the time I was 24.

I don't think it was the age gap that was the problem , more his personality.
Big red flag I ignored was that he insisted I tell his friends and family that I was 21 . ( tbh I look a lot younger than my age , I now think he's a dirty perv...my new dh is a couple of months older but we met when i was 27 .)

Your daughter is dating a man who has a good reputation and she likes him, can't really see the problem. If she is dating someone who hurts her, abuses her or is unkind to her - then worry.

But don't worry about the number 28

I agree with others that the main thing is to keep channels of communication open, welcome him into your home and see how they really are together. I agree with you that it's her age, not the age difference, that's the potential cause for concern.

I think most people reach a different level of maturity and, more importantly, experience, by 22 and at that point the same age difference wouldn't be such an issue, far less so again, if at all, if she was 26.

When 19 I had a relationship with a 32-year-old. He was a bit of an oddity and at a stage in life when he wanted a serious settling-down relationship (I don't know but would doubt he ever found one). I was in control, both as the more confident, socially competent party but also because I never thought of it as other than a passing fling and had my young life ahead of me before even thinking about settling down. His neediness was a bit of a pain to deal with though. I'm afraid what it offered me, at a time when I felt rather emotionally vulnerable, was a simple 2-dimensional relationship over which I had control. Also, late teenage boys are not very attractive! Not very healthy for anyone but I soon moved on to boys near my own age, once I cheered up and found some good ones.

I think that does exemplify one of the 'classic' reasons for an older man being interested in a very young woman. Manipulation and sex are of course others. Or they could of course just really like each other and have found that something in common that brings most people, even unexpected ones, together.

If he was my friend though, I'd be surprised and a bit concerned and wonder why none of his same-age acquaintances were suitable (if I wasn't surprised, so it was part of an ongoing pattern, he probably wouldn't be my friend). Similarly, I'd want to see them together and would feel reassured if she was confident and self-possessed and if he treated her with respect, without being too puppyish and showed some awareness of the difference in experience.

I went out with a 35 year old man when I was 22, and he was the most immature person I've ever met. From the outside, though, he appeared to be great: stable job, car, mortgage, etc. That might impress at first, but if he's a complete tit then it's just not worth it.

I understand you're protective, and I'm certain that she will know how worried you are. I hope that once you meet him you'll get a better idea of his character.

Shes 19 ,an adult , I don't see a problem with this at all

I met DP when I was 20 and he was 29, we just clicked and knew we would spend our lives together. 11 years later & two kids age has never been issue.
I wouldn't worry.

At 16 I was going out with the love of my life who was 17 - he broke my heart

At 19 I went out with a 34 year old, ran its course after 2 years

At 21 briefly went out with a 42 year old christ he was a nightmare but it did have the benefit of pissing my parents off

'Settled down' for 14 years at 22 with a 32 year old

DP is 8 years younger than me (I'm 41) - hope this relationship lasts or I will be in serious danger of cradlesnatching if this trend continues

I was a bit worse than your daughter- i was not long 20 and went out with a 35 yo man. Not together now but quite honestly as long as your daughter is sensible i don't think you have anything to worry about. It's a cliche but honestly the age is not as important as the person. My worst teenage ex for lots of reasons was almost the same age as me, didn't stop him being an arse!↲i'm now married to a man 13 years my senior and it's working out fine, and as you say the older we get the less the age gap seems.

My best friend met her dp when she was 19 and him nearly 30. We all sniggered when we were celebrating his 30th and we hadn't even had our 21st birthdays but we were all wrong. She's never slept with anyone else and I can't imagine her being with anyone else - he's perfect for her and they're getting married in July.

"IME age gaps that size when the younger person is late-teens reflect badly on the older party, eg suggesting immaturity, controlling tendencies or social awkwardness."

Oh it was so fun when my 28 year old boyfriend brought me (a 19 yo) to his work place annual spring dinner, a sit down catered event. His female colleagues tried to make conversation. He was a specialized optician, working solely with severe sight loss, and blindness.

But come on, I was in my final year of A levels (Norway, start school later, 3 years of high school). I went early to party with my school leaving friends, then climbed into his flat through the balcony afterwards.....

He was socially awkward (a virgin), immature (never had a relationship), and he tried to be controlling. But this did not work with me, as I was very confident, had many older friends, and socially happy and the opposite of awkward. (oh to be 19 again...)

It really depends on his personality and their fit, OP!