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Original poster

Daughter's relationship with older man

63 replies

Rdoo · 26/12/2011 23:07

I wasn't sure if this is the right section for this but I'll give it a go...
My daughter is 19, she's a nice, sensible girl who has never given us any trouble. She's recently told us she is seeing a man of 28 and although I would have thought of myself as a "liberal parent" the age difference makes me (and my husband) feel uneasy. Well, it's not so much the age difference but the fact she is just 19, I would probably feel different if she was 30 and he was 39.

My husband works in a field similar to the young man and although he doesn't know him he has heard nothing but good things about him, we also have some friends who know his family and again, we hear nothing but good things. We are also arranging to meet him shortly. I'm probably being paranoid and unreasonable but I can't help wondering why someone of that age would be interested in a teenager.

I know age is just a number, there's nothing illegal about it and very little I can do etc but I was hoping someone could put my mind at rest, is it such a big deal, would you be concerned and what would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 27/12/2011 13:38

Its none of your business she is an adult, no one can help who they are attracted to and fall in love with.

heartofthesun · 27/12/2011 14:23

I don't see the age gap between a 19-year-old and a 28-year-old worthy of comment, to be honest. Sixteen and 28? Very much so, but not 19 and 28.

heartofthesun · 27/12/2011 14:30

It's all about age categories when all is said and done (although I would raise an eyebrow if your daughter was 17. But she is not: she is 19).
Of course you would feel differently is she was 30. My dh is 10 years my senior, I met him at 27 and he was -obviously!- 37. Nobody batted an eyelid. Had I been 16 and he 26, I am sure they would have done.
Each age category contains an age group of people with similar outlook, hence club 18-30. Somehow, though, club 17 to 30 is not on but 18-30 is because it contains people with similar outlooks on life.

Original poster
Rdoo · 27/12/2011 16:19

Thanks for the responses, some of them are reassuring although I will be keeping a close eye on the situation.

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 27/12/2011 16:50

I think it sounds fine. when I was 21 I was dating a 34 year old- who was also my boss Blush

I was quite mature though and both living and working 100s of miles away from my parents.

TBH I think they were quite happy about it and saw him as a safer bet for me than some of the immature teens who had hurt me!
So much depends on your DDs personality- if she is mature then what is the issue?

karyncake · 27/12/2011 16:54

I had just turned 17 when I met my DH and he was 26. We have been together for 15 years and married for 10 years. He is still my best friend.
In our case we did have a few issues which are age related, ie: I still wanted to go out and have fun when he was more career focused and for a brief period I wondered whether I settled down too early and how much of me is actually me and how much is his influence.

He makes me laugh, he is kind, hardworking and even now when I spot him in a crowd I still think he is the best looking man around.

OnSantasLap · 27/12/2011 17:36

I had just turned 17 when I met my DH and he was 25 Blush (7 days previously I was still 16)

We have been together now for 23 years with 4 beautiful DC's

Just saying Grin

HereKittyKitty · 27/12/2011 23:28

It's a tough one - when I was a teenager I only really went out with older men - much older, and looking back, it was horrible. I was manipulated and used and I worry about what those men have got up to since. I was a fairly angelic and otherwise sensible teen.

I met my DH when I was 19 and he was 20. Now he is 28 and I think he would view a 19 year old as FAR too young for him. He has changed and grown up so much in those, very formative, years.

aliasforthis2 · 28/12/2011 01:31

I met my partner when I was a 19 and he was 28. At the time it did seem a bit much of an age gap, however we now have 2 kids and we are 24 and 33 and the age gap now hardly seems anything at all. All his friends are mid-late 30's and they don't bat an eyelid.

aliasforthis2 · 28/12/2011 01:36

Also, I lied about my age for the first 3 months I told him I was 21 Blush because I was really into him but I knew from friends he was 28 and I was worried he wouldn't be interested in me if he knew my real age! I cringe about that now! He found out 3 months in when he had to drive me to hospital as I was delirious with kidney stones. The doctor said to the students/other medical people "Here we have a 19 year old female...." .On the second time they said it he looked at me with a very very strange look, and we had "the talk" when I recovered!!! Xmas Grin

Looking back, I see what I did as a bit manipulative. I'm glad he didn't take it too badly. He was puzzled and a bit pissed off for a couple of weeks.

differentnameforthis · 28/12/2011 02:16

My first serious boyfriend was 21 to my 15. He wasn't manipulative, he wasn't after anything he shouldn't be & he was lovely to me. We didn't have sex until I was 16 & I initiated it. Being my first serious boyfriend, I was a virgin until we had sex. He was lovely, stopped when I asked him to (it hurt) and didn't push me. We didn't do it again until I was ready.

I had a crap home life, and he was my saviour I guess. he made me feel safe while my mother divorced my step dad very acrimoniously & later moved in her toy boy lover who she had been seeing while married to SD.

I have been married to him for 18yrs in May 2012. With him for over 20years. He remains my rock.

You can do worse than let this relationship unfold. I am sure at 19 she knows her own mind more than I did at 15.

DonInKillerHeels · 28/12/2011 06:35

My DSis aged 20 married BIL then aged 29. That was 15 years ago and we're all currently sitting in DM's sitting room chatting while BIL stretches his injured knee, DSis fields her three DSs and my DH snoozes.

There really is no issue with an age gap like that at a young age as long as he's a good guy and she's pretty sensible, settled and mature.

nooka · 28/12/2011 07:07

I met my dh at 19 and we started living together a year later. I thought I was ever so mature, but my parents were devastated, and now I am 'properly' grown up and my children are approaching their teens I can quite see why they were so worried. I think that most 19 year olds are actually still both young and vulnerable, and I would not be at all happy if either of my children took up with someone so much older (and I do think an almost 10 year age gap is a very big deal at that age) because a 19 year old does not have very much life experience, and could very easily have their life screwed up. Not that a younger man couldn't do the same, but at least they would be much more in the position of equals.

Hopefully this will just be a bit of a fun fling, as there's nothing you can (or should) do about it, but I can totally understand the worry.

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