Shock of mum disowning me is starting to set in. Please help me :-(

[itsbrandybutterandtinseltime]

I am married with a DS. My father is a controlling man; always has been. Since I left home, his control of my Mum has become more and more complete; so much so she is almost 'brainwashed' by him. I don't recognise her as the woman who brought me up anymore; we visited during summer and she wouldn't even pick up or look at my then 10mo DS. She disagrees with the way I lead my life, I'm not sure why.

It has been going on for a while; this kind of 'bullying' which went via my Mum from my father. A while ago she joined Facebook. 10 days ago; she decided to publically (via Facebook) on a comment thread so everyone could see, try to pull me up on something she perceived I had done wrong. I was so outraged, I'm afraid that instead of pouring water on the flames like I usually do, that I let fly. I told her that she had insulted me, that a number of things she had said were out of order, and that her treatment of my husband and son was horrible, and that the letter she sent me when I was fresh out of hospital and ill with horrific PND and swine flu, detailing my various 'crimes' going years back was toxic and poisonous. I called her to account basically. Then she told me to delete her off FB, and not to contact her for as many years as it took to see her point of view.

Initially, I was relieved. The rest of my family was proud of my (including gp's, aunts and uncles, who all view her treatment of my young family as quite sadistic). Now Christmas is here, and passed, I'm feeling a bit lost again. I called her to account. Instead of answers, or even an apology I was met with a big old 'fuck you'. My Mum has gone. Since I left home, she doesn't even try to fight him anymore. She just sits there and agrees with him. I didn't think I'd get an apology but... This? She's ready to never see me again. Or her dgs. He's so perfect, and so beautiful. And she doesn't care. I'm in tears suddenly. Shocked. Please help me. I've battled with them both and their toxic behaviour for several years, but it's still a shock to me.

OP. I'm so sorry for you, Christmas really holds a magnifying glass to any family relationships that are not what we want them to be. Can you explain a lite more of why your dad has a problem with you and your family and also your mum? It's all very unclear at the moment.

You poor thing. As seasons said, Christmas is a very emotional time of year and occasionally this can have a big downside. It all looks very bleak right now, but I'd give it a couple of weeks for her heels to cool. There's no way she'll want to face a future without her DGS. Give it a bit of time.

I've started a few threads on this before, but in essence the problem lay with the fact that I went and had my DS at 22, even though I had a DH, lovely house and very stable job. My Dad told me that when he found out I was pregnant he was 'so fucking angry and disappointed'. He cornered me in my old house on my own and told me this. He then gave me a hug, and told my mum we'd had a nice chat and a cuddle. He sneered at my bump, told me I was fat and jeered at me in my maternity clothing whenever he saw me. My Mum told me not to talk too much about the pregnancy since it had greatly shocked my Dad. This was how she explained away the 'fatty' comments etc. Last year, before Christmas she told me of my DS 'well, he's here now so I suppose we'll all just have to get on with it'. DH told her if that was her attitude, not to bother coming over on Boxing Day.

I was very ill last new year and had to go to hospital for a while. When I got out, there was a letter on my doormat from her detailing my crimes which 'all started with you getting yourself pregnant'. She said she cried in the bath when DH asked her to stay away on Boxing Day, and she didn't know what she had done. We tried to repair the relationship, and we went to their holiday home at Easter with DS. She asked me if there was anything I wanted to say. I was ill with PND at the time, and I didn't want to get angry in front of ds as it was inappropriate so I said 'another time maybe'. She has texted me on a Sunday evening saying that they've been local to me all weekend but they're on their way home. Why?! What is she hoping to achieve?! It is just generally quite poisonous and nasty. When I told her last week what my problem was, she said she'd given me the chance to say what was wrong at Easter, and that was my problem now.

Sorry, I will try to remember more as it comes up... There's so much to say and I feel so muddled.

But culture last time she saw her dgs, she wouldn't even pick him up. My own gp's were there and were so shocked by her behaviour they rang me about it to ask if I was ok.

Poor you. I know it doesn't sound like it, but you have done the right thing. Your ds deserves better GP than that and you deserve better parents.
Dh parents disowned us 5 years ago and while sometimes its hard especially when it comes to the girls, it is for the best.
Your mum is an adult and made we decision.

I have used the dysfunctional families thread and been to counselling; which has all helped to make me feel validated. It was just when she tried to call me to account on Facebook (?!) I was so angry and embarrassed.

It's just a shock when the contact cut actually happens.

One minute, when she's on her own she's almost nice again. Then when he's there, even her email tone is different because he is dictating whatever she says. She really doesn't like me, does she?! I'm a nice person, honestly.

Oh wow, what a difficult and hurtful situation, OP. I feel bad for you and you deserve so much better.

It's good that you've had counselling and are talking it through. It will take time, it sounds like she is being very melodramatic, but maybe in time she'll see sense.

It's really painful, I have a lot of problems with my own parents; nothing as nasty as what you have said, but a lot of controlling me, blaming me, emotional blackmail etc. It's taken me a long long time (I am 46 now!), but I am finally realising it is them not me. They make the choices. At the end of the day if your mum wants to see her DGs she'll have to be a bit nicer won't she? Otherwise why would you put yourself through this?
The difficulty for people like us who have been treated like this by our parents is that we have been brainwashed to think it s all our fault, and our responsibility to keep them happy. If we can just think differently and allow them to take on this responsibly then u am certain we will fare better.

yellow thank you. I don't think I want her in my life anymore. It's too much to deal with. I'm just smarting from the 'loss' in the strangest way. My mum, my lovely mummy is gone. We used to hide in my room together from him and hold each other all night. She stroked my hair and she smelt lovely. Maybe I smell like that to ds. It was us against him. Since I left home though, that woman has disappeared over time. Fuck me, it hurts.

Then I am certain...

What do you mean squeegle? Sorry, sobbing a bit so not thinking clearly!

You know what? Most parents would be happy that their daughter's:

had a husband
had a happy relationship
had their own home
had a stable job
had a beautiful grandchild

The way your parents think isn't normal and isn't right and you DON'T DESERVE IT.

It sounds like your parents have huge control issues which may stem from your father. Concentrate on your good relationships and let this one go.

Brandy. Be strong. She may never see sense and she may not like you. That doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with and just for the record you sound lovely. If you put yourself in a position where you are at the control of someone else's actions then it can only end badly as you can only be responsible for your actions. That's easy for me to say but not even slightly easy for you to do but I hope you see that there is sense in trying to be who you are and not be waiting for your parents to change their view point. I'm a bit concerned that I'm not sounding sympathetic when I mean to.

I think possibly that part of the problem is that this has happened so quickly and over your ds and their gs which you'd have thought would have brought you closer together.

I honestly think that for the next few weeks the best thing you can do op is to be kind to yourself. Concentrate on you, your DP and your ds. Try to put your parents out of your mind. I think there's a lot that's unsaid going on but you just need to forget that for now and look after yourself.
By the way by unsaid stuff, I mean baggage on your mum and dad's side of things.

I am really sorry.
Do you think she is depressed? I dont mean that as an excuse for her behaviour though.
She is living with a controlling man and you are no longer at home as a buffer for his behaviour.

That isnt your problem and I am not saying to make you feel sorry for her.
I just wonder if you might feel a bit better if it turns out its not 'her' but an illness doing these things.

Whatever - I am really sorry you are dealing with this, it must be horrible.

Are your Grandparents (her parents) in touch with her? Do they pull her up on her behaviour or have comment to make on your father's long-term attitude?

Thank you for your kindness, I am grateful.

I know this will dull with time, but I'm just speechless. I have a feeling that unless my mum leaves my Dad, or he dies; we won't speak again. She doesn't like me.

Sorry if I am not being clear. I suppose what I am trying to say is that your mum has a choice in how she behaves to you, and while it is incredibly painful if that behaviour is not loving and kind, it is her choice, and you haven't caused it. Neither can you control it. If that behaviour causes you pain then it is only right for you to remove yourself from that situation with no guilt about how you might have been able to influence things differently. Or even without any regret. Maybe I'm not communicating well. All I mean is that they sound completely unreasonable and you sound well out of it!

My gps are firmly on my side and have pulled her up before. My grandad detests my dad and says hes no longer welcome in his house.

If she's depressed... She has a history, but showed little interest or want to help/talk when I said I'd been suffering badly with PND some months back.

It has slowly gotten worse since I left home.

He was very controlling and watched me shower/ dress/undress from the ages of 12-17. He would come in when I was in the bath and use the toilet and sometimes splash on me and think it was funny. When I left home, he became very prudish and constantly told me to cover up etc.

Splash on you, like, wee in you?

Wee on not in.

Yeah. I know it's stupid. I only remembered in counselling a few months back. Its stupid, right? He thought it was funny but it wasn't. If I'd have told anyone they'd have thought I was stupid, too. Or lying or something.

I'm sure she does love you and like you but this won't make her into a nice person. Clearly your dad has a lot of problems and sounds like he isnt a nice person to be with. It's likely to be his issues effecting her, and if his as bad as you remember your mum is living with an abusive man. BUT this still does not excuse her behaviour to you. Your son has you as a wonderful mum.

Like it was so cringeworthy. He used to make these comments about my body, mainly my thighs oddly enough, how my underwear looked... If I asked him to leave, he laughed and said don't be stupid, I changed your nappies. Then I left home, and it stopped and I almost felt rejected. God, that is fucked up!

Hi brandybutter, just wanted to send you a great big (un MNetty) xmas hug, and say you're not alone. I am estranged from my parents and only sibling, and although it's technically by my choice - ie I cut off contact with them - I really feel they gave me no choice, it was "stay" and be an emotional punchbag/dustbin for ever, or "leave" and have a decent life of my own. (I mean stay/leave in the emotional sense, had not lived with or near them since age of 18).

Anyway, I think for those of us who have these kind of deeply painful issues with our families, xmas is inevitably a trying time, sad to say. It brings it all home, big time. The good news is that it does get better over time - it's been a few years now for me and although it still gets to me, this xmas it's done so considerably less than it used to.

I remember you from a previous thread where you detailed your parents' reaction to your pregnancy, remember being absolutely at the time. Your father clearly has massive issues, and your mother must have too to collude with him like this; but of course they will never admit that in a million lifetimes. So they have to make it all your fault and cut you out, because they are simply incapable of facing the ugly truth about themselves.

My father also chose "his principles" (ie his unshakeable denial about the serious issues he and my mother both have which led them to be so very emotionally abusive to me for so very long) over any relationship with me and my DH and our DS. I totally feel your pain about the situation re your DS. When I have thought that my parents don't even know my DS, it has nearly broken my heart many times. But I am now getting to the point where I don't care that much.

If your mother really loved you, she would have stood up to your father, taken your side. I hear what you say about the brainwashing, and I'm sure it's true - but she has allowed that brainwashing to be stronger than her love for you, and I recognise that from my family. My mother is also dominated by my father to an extent, and very emotionally dependent on him - which means that she has always prioritised her relationship with him over her relationship with me. Which sucks, afaic.

I don't know if my message is bringing you any seasonal good cheer, it's probably a bit dour tbh and sorry if it's making you feel even worse, but the point is that all this is TOTALLY not your fault, it's not because you said what you did on FB, it's because THEY are the opposite of good parents. This has been coming a long time - it sounds like your father cannot cope with you being an adult woman, and a clearly sexual adult woman (pregnancy the unmissable evidence of that!) because of some yucky dark issues of his own; and your mother is prepared to sacrifice both her DD and her DGS in order to pander to his freaky control shit. How utterly unmaternal is that? And so this is where it would have ended up sooner or later anyway. If that helps you to stop blaming yourself for "not handling it properly". You can't handle people like this properly; you can only stay away from them.

I know it's terribly hurtful the way it's happened, and of course you're in shock now, and very, very bruised. Also it's a shock because it probably means you're going to have to re-examine your whole former family life in a way; your mother has revealed herself to be not the person she was, or you thought she was, or you wanted her to be (and quite reasonably wanted her to be!). And that can be a harrowing process. And of course it also changes the future for you too, so it's another big readjustment.

But you did do the "right thing" in posting what you did on FB - you finally stood up for yourself, you snapped and couldn't take it any more - that just makes you human! I hope you can (eventually, if not now) feel proud of yourself for saying "enough", even though I know how much it hurts when they don't come after you and try to make things better, how much it hurts when they demonstrate visibly that they don't care about you enough to do that. You have your own loving family now in your DH and DS, how wonderful that you've managed to get that so early in your life, and you are not dependent on your parents' crumbs of conditional "love"! Good luck.