Shock of mum disowning me is starting to set in. Please help me :-(

[itsbrandybutterandtinseltime]

I am married with a DS. My father is a controlling man; always has been. Since I left home, his control of my Mum has become more and more complete; so much so she is almost 'brainwashed' by him. I don't recognise her as the woman who brought me up anymore; we visited during summer and she wouldn't even pick up or look at my then 10mo DS. She disagrees with the way I lead my life, I'm not sure why.

It has been going on for a while; this kind of 'bullying' which went via my Mum from my father. A while ago she joined Facebook. 10 days ago; she decided to publically (via Facebook) on a comment thread so everyone could see, try to pull me up on something she perceived I had done wrong. I was so outraged, I'm afraid that instead of pouring water on the flames like I usually do, that I let fly. I told her that she had insulted me, that a number of things she had said were out of order, and that her treatment of my husband and son was horrible, and that the letter she sent me when I was fresh out of hospital and ill with horrific PND and swine flu, detailing my various 'crimes' going years back was toxic and poisonous. I called her to account basically. Then she told me to delete her off FB, and not to contact her for as many years as it took to see her point of view.

Initially, I was relieved. The rest of my family was proud of my (including gp's, aunts and uncles, who all view her treatment of my young family as quite sadistic). Now Christmas is here, and passed, I'm feeling a bit lost again. I called her to account. Instead of answers, or even an apology I was met with a big old 'fuck you'. My Mum has gone. Since I left home, she doesn't even try to fight him anymore. She just sits there and agrees with him. I didn't think I'd get an apology but... This? She's ready to never see me again. Or her dgs. He's so perfect, and so beautiful. And she doesn't care. I'm in tears suddenly. Shocked. Please help me. I've battled with them both and their toxic behaviour for several years, but it's still a shock to me.

I think you are right that your father saw you as competition, maybe thats why he tried to control you in such an odd way. To make you less of a threat to him, just another little woman belonging to him.

Obviously you broke that illusion fully and completly once you got pregnant and declared youself to be in another family and beyond his control. This is probably why he now wants to cut your mother off from you. You are now 'unsafe' to him. Not 'his' anymore.

You are lucky to have escaped with as few problems as you have. Not to belittle your pain at all but it could be so much worse. You are obviously strong and resiliant and its a shame your mother isn't as strong as you are.

Maybe one day you will be able to help her but for now focus on yourself and your son. Sending comfort and hugs.

Actually after reading your last post brandy , I have the sinking feeling your mum has acted the way she has on purpose , to keep you away.

You wrote earlier she used to hide in your room and stroke your hair when you were little.

I think she would have believed you if you told her what had happened.

Sometimes (especially like now when I've written it all down!) I twist myself up in knots, scared that I must be imagining all or lying to be spiteful or something.

droves I just don't know. I really don't. I only questioned it myself a few months ago, it was just as if I only just remembered it.

Do you have little bits of your childhood you just can't remember ? .

Was this a buried memory that has resurfaced ? . Sometimes our unconscious "hides" things that are too hard for us to deal with. The memories can come back when we have less stress or feel safer. (this has happened to me) .

Brandy , I think your a lovely person , what you post is no way spiteful , so don't doubt yourself. ( If you read the stately homes thread you will find almost everyone joins the thread with " im not sure it was abuse "/ doubting themselves ).

You had something awful to deal with when you were young. Have you considered counciling ? , it might help to talk to someone in RL.

I actually think your mum is a victim of your father too. But she doesn't have strength that you have. I find it particularly telling that she is acting brainwashed . She's probably terrified of him.

Yes it did seem to just 'resurface' if you like, quite suddenly after a few months of counselling.

I was talking to DH about it and I think it's the reality of coming up against a stone wall; there is NOTHING else I can do now. She has cut me out, and even though this will hopefully prove to be the best thing anyway long term, it still hurts.

Brandy , I think I understand .

The hurt fades as time goes on, and the frustration at it all gets replaced eventually with acceptance of the situation.

I'm glad you can talk to your lovely dh .

Brandy your father is a very sick individual, he doesn't have any ideas about sexual boundaries, it is sexual abuse, it was sick, it was humiliating and that goes whether he was getting his kicks from controlling you or sexually abusing you by looking at you and urinating on you. FGS another Unmumsnetty hug from me too.

I think you have to stay away from them, he could easily be a danger to your lovely child. He was angry at your pregnancy not because you were pregnant in the most perfect of circumstances but I'd wager because that pregnancy and baby represents his loss of you to your husband, the baby makes that complete in some sick way.

I am not qualified and don't really want to get inside his head but he has some extremely huge issues and the answer is getting him to accept that and your mum too. That's not going to happen so to my mind anyway, the best thing you can do is to walk away and stay away.

I have no idea how much your mum knows and how much she has failed to protect you when she should have but either way, walk away focus on your lovely family, your husband and child.

It sounds like you are grieving for the relationship you did or could have had with her, not the actual relationship as it is. They sound very self obsessed and you had to fit in with what their needs were in order to have a good relationship. Of course that is unacceptable. You did the right thing. They expect you to to conform and always 'roll over' when things go wrong. You have your own family now and you can see what a good healthy relationship looks like, hence it's taken you a while to realize that the one you were in with them wasn't right or healthy. I would stay right away, if your Mum wants to build a different kind of relationship with you then that is her choice, but you have confirmed for her,very firmly, that her current behavior is not acceptable. She has to accept that and come back to you, she may or she may not. But you cannot go back to how things were as nothing will change. If you do you will just be confirming to her that it is acceptable behavior and nothing will change. Your only hope for a good relationship with your mum is to stick to your guns and hope she changes.

Hi, I read your thread last night and wanted to post, but was too tired to think straight.

What I was going to say was, you do need space from them. Having no contact for now sounds like the right thing, but it doesn't mean forever. Circumstances can change.

Reading this morning, your father sounds like a really horrid man. He obviously has a lot of issues himself.

My dad was controlling, but nowhere near that extent, and I loved him to bits. He did completely dominate my mum though and, as a child, she always took my side in arguments. When I grew up and left home, she really changed. It was almost as though the fight had gone out of her. She was actually quite happy in herself, but wasn't my mum.

In our case, we very sadly lost my dad to cancer a few years ago. It was awful, I took it very hard, bit had counselling and got a lot straight in my head.

And, within weeks, we had my old mum back.

I think there are two things here - first, you need to make a break emotionally from your father. As my counsellor repeated endlessly, our parents often have their own issues, you have to be independent of them, and realise that you cannot make them happy etc.

Secondly, I would bet that your mum has not gone forever, she is simply trying to please your father, who is clearly very controlling.

Tbh, if I were in your position, I would carry on with the counselling, break all emotional ties with your father, get your head strong and have a good and happy life. Keep the door open for your mum - no harm in sending birthday cards etc, and if she does find the strength to come back, let her in.

Good luck. X

Your dad sounds a bit mental and verging on being Narsistic. Almost like he believes that your 'body' is his property. To me that's why he went off the handle when you got pregnant. The problem is your dad and his problems.

Just stay away for a while, don't let them ruin your own family. You have the rest of your extended family to support you. Hold onto them and accept their help. There is nothing you can do for some people, but never let them drag you down with them.

I am sobbing just reading these lovely responses, I'm so so grateful for the acknowledgment I really am. I'll be back later when I'm a bit less wobbly!

Morning Brandy, sorry I left last night, I went out (shock horror!). That annual event observed, I'm back. I think SittingITS makes a good point that you probably need to be separate from then now but that this does not necessarily mean forever. Also, I agree that your parents have issues of their own.

I too think that counselling would be an essential for you. It will help you with so many things; loving yourself, talking about those painful past experiences (including some you may not currently realise you've blocked out), to understand that though your parents may need counselling themselves that you cannot make them seek it, to come to terms with your mothers current position of disowning you to name but a few. Counselling will improve the quality of your life and in turn that of your family (dp and ds). That said counselling is not the easy option and you'll experience a lot of pain before you reach the other side.

Brandy, honestly, you sound lovely. You sound like you were and are a lovely daughter. It's so hard to admit and accept that our parents didn't treat us as the precious miracles that children are but that is not your fault.

Take time for you and your family. Carry on with the counselling and talk to your DP. Christmas will be over soon and that magnifying glass will be down for another year.

In all honesty OP, your mum disowning you makes me think that she's not and may never be the woman you'll want her to be. As for your dad coming into the bathroom and using the toilet while you were in the bath, well, that is completely out of order. He should have had the decency to go beforehand so you could have peace in the bath.

At the end of the day, your mum is LETTING your dad control her and cause you hassle. It was HER CHOICE to do what she did and it's also her choice to let your dad control her. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her (and your dad).

You can turn this around so that your do have some control over this. If your mum contacts you and wants to stay in contact, make sure it's on YOUR TERMS so that you have the control as to how, where and when you see her.

This situation is a problem, now it's YOUR turn to use this situation to find a solution that SUITS YOU, NOT THEM. Take control back and make it work for you.

She disowned you, so it's up to her to come crawling and get back in contact with you. All you have to do is carry on (or at least make it look as if that's what you're doing) with life as you normally would and let her come to you. If she doesn't get back in contact, then that'll tell you all you need to know about her.....that she will fall out with people who cannot/will not agree whole heartedly with her.

You have a beautiful family and wonderful relatives. That's all you need .

Good luck

I think your mum is in a bad way, tbh. It sounds like once you left, all your Dad's focus was on her - and he's cowed her to such an extent that she has little choice - she may believe she has no choice but to live with him the way he is, since she's done it for so long already. It's unreasonable to assume that she can suddenly just turn around and change - her sense of self has been steadily eroded for years now.

HE sounds like a controlling, abusive bastard, by the way. I'd be grateful for her cutting you off in that it means your DS is never exposed to your father - he sounds utterly toxic. And another thing - where FB is concerned, you can never be too sure who types on it - for all you know, it could have been your father who said those things, under your mother's name.

I am :( for you - sad because you clearly are grieving the loss of your mummy, the one who loved and protected you as a child - but also sad for your mum because she is stuck there with that man and may be unable to escape. She should have had the strength when you were little to leave - but it's easy to say that in hindsight. She may have been brought up to believe that you should work at your marriage, however dismal it is; she may be one of those women who only feel validated when in a relationship; your father may have brought her to believe that he's doing her a favour keeping her on and no one else would have her.
I'm saying this because of how she was when you were young - it doesn't sound as though she was a bad person, or evil, cruel, etc. back then - sounds like she's now just a shadow of her old self and can only mirror your father's behaviour and attitudes.

I hope that things change for you both and that you find peace with it all - keep going with the counselling, it can really help. x

You are better off without them in your life, surely you can see that. What good is staying in contact going to do you. You are better than the pair of them and your child will have a much more fulfillin life without them in it.

fabby I can see that, but it doesn't mean I feel food about it though

good sorry bloody iPhone!

This is such a sad thread and I wish you lots of love and strength op x

One word of hope for you OP is that you WILL get through this. Yes it'll hurt and may hurt bad, but you'll get there in the end and come out better than before. You just have to believe that you can do it.

You don't have to feel good about this situation, but you sound like you need space to breathe for a bit. Your mum's an adult and capable of making her own decisions and if that means she disowns you, then so be it. It'll hurt that you've been betrayed by someone who protected you as a child and she won't be the mum you wanted but having a bit of distance may help you see things in a clearer way.

What do you do when you have a knock back? I'm sure you get back up, dust yourself off and move on for another bit. Yes, this will be slightly different but the same principles apply. Get up, dust yourself off and move on a bit more. Oh, and the more you practice this, the better you get at it.

HTH.

Take care

I agree with thumbin. Your dad sounds absolutely terrifying brandy, and now your mum is getting it full blast - to the point where she has totally lost herself. This is just my observation ie I haven't read it anywhere, there is no research about it that I know of - but I have noticed that women intensely controlling abusive relationships very often quickly develop addictions and, in my observations, it is most often alcoholism and/or an eating disorder. Addictions are a way to blot something out, something unbearable.

I know it's not a word used lightly, but your dad sounds evil to me. Very very frightening. YOu probably won't see that because he's your dad, but it's clear from out here. I haven't seen my children naked since they were about 9. We have locks on the bathroom and toilet doors and I always knock on their bedroom doors, waiting for a reply before entering. I know families have different standards re nakedness but what your dad did to you was sexual abuse and grooming: an indicator of this is you feeling bereft when he no longer paid you attention. the locks etc are a way of respecting boundaries , literally re a lock to protect people's privacy. It is not right for a father to see his naked teen daughter imo (and I don't care what anyone says on this one), much less to watch you when you dress and undress. It's appalling OP

I know it's easy to take what has happened with your mum personally but imo (and also I'm afraid to say, ime ), abusive controllers constantly throw bombs. There are endless and continuous crises around them, with devastatingly hurt feelings - very often between the people who are around them. They usually use other people to do their dirty work so it looks like their hands are clean; they create chaos in the relationships around them. The confusion you say you are experiencing is a major indicator that you are in the close orbit of an abusive controller who is very definitely personality-disordered.

While your mum won't be entirely innocent in all this, imo your dad is in an entirely different league and is the instigator of the pain, damage and chaos in your family. As a poster said upthread, once her controlling abusive father died, her mother returned to her old self within weeks. It is extraordinary that ime of meeting many victims of domestic abuse (and the abuse doesn't have to be physical btw - you don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse; the mind control is often much worse than physical violence), the transformation in the victims once they are removed from the controller is surprisingly quick. Is there any way at all you can separate your mum from your dad for a few weeks? Even a weekend would go some way towards breaking the spell, though longer if preferable. Have a look at the Womens Aid website, I think you will find a lot there that you recognise. Perhaps talk to other family members about your parents' relationship? or, rather, your dad's frightening control. Please keep up with the therapy - you are likely to need a long time of therapy (as I have done) with family roots as bad as this. I am not surprised you have been suffering with depression with the history you have [hug]

i hope I haven't shocked you. Please try not to take personally what has happened between you and your mum. Of course, it is desperately hurtful on the surface but try not to go down the pan with it re don't believe that she 'doesn't like you' - from what you have said she loves you very much but imo she has entirely lost herself. Which is hardly surprising - imo he has stolen her and he also made a very strong bid to steal you too, only you got away.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Maybe it's been mentioned before, there's a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I found it helpful.

In the book she talks about fathers who start to feel sexually attracted to their teenage daughters, and how this then manifests as verbal insults, usually focusing on particular physical attributes.

These fathers often reject their daughters when the daughter becomes romantically involved with someone else.

She also looks at the role of the mother who is often aware of what's going on but says nothing.

If you haven't read the book already, it could help you to see things more clearly.

Sounds like you have a lot of support from other family members. I know that doesn't replace the love and support you feel entitled to from your mum, and it doesn't make it hurt any less. But grab hold of all the love and support you can get for both yourself and ds.

I am so sorry that you feel so lost. This is heartbreaking. It is not your fault now and it was not your fault when you were a child. Please give yourself some gentleness and kindness.

I would really echo what Thumbinnapuddingwitch said, particularly about facebook. There's a very good chance that this vitriol came from your father, not your mother.

I would ignore letters, text messages, any contact. It will be entirely controlled by your father, and is only designed to "keep you on the hook". It is very manipulative and your father is feeding off it. Every damn bit. She will be hurt by what you said and he will be feeding her things back about how vile you are.

Your mother will probably have been made to choose long ago between you and your father by her behaviour, and there is most likely a former history of domestic violence.

Keep your resolve - you cannot rescue her - as tough as it is, she has made a choice which you cannot break because you are her child. What I would say is if she has sisters, brothers, anyone on the level with her who is not your father that you speak to them about it and do not keep it a secret from them. Keep that open and make sure that you still talk to family. The chances are they feel the same way that you do. They may have a much greater insight. Children rarely know the full dynamic of the parents. You getting involved directly and trying to change things will make it worse for you and her. Do not do it.

You must know that your father has primed her for the day that you did turn around and defended yourself. Except she will have been told you despise her and you would attack her.

And I would not take your children around there, ever, unless you want the same games to be repeated with them. Your mother has been poisoned. Don't let it go any further, keep your children safe from this kind of sociopathic bullying by proxy.

You getting involved directly and trying to change things will make it worse for you and her. Do not do it.

Yes I agree wholeheartedly with this and I apologise that my post above suggested you do something directly. I have experienced something similar to what your mum is experiencing and I find it hard not to panic when I hear of the same situation.

However, I would be circumspect about who you talk to in the family - does someone stand out who you feel is to be trusted? I say this because ime of domestic abuse there is often a primary relationship that preceded it, a similar dynamic in the primary family. It may be that not everyone in your extended family is to be trusted?

I hope you're feeling calmer today brandy. As pink says, this is not and never has been your fault and I hope you are more steady in not taking your mum's actions too personally - I know it's hard not to but imo both you and your mum are victims of the same abuse and abuser

Are you sure her facebook account isn't actually him?