Shock of mum disowning me is starting to set in. Please help me :-(

[itsbrandybutterandtinseltime]

I am married with a DS. My father is a controlling man; always has been. Since I left home, his control of my Mum has become more and more complete; so much so she is almost 'brainwashed' by him. I don't recognise her as the woman who brought me up anymore; we visited during summer and she wouldn't even pick up or look at my then 10mo DS. She disagrees with the way I lead my life, I'm not sure why.

It has been going on for a while; this kind of 'bullying' which went via my Mum from my father. A while ago she joined Facebook. 10 days ago; she decided to publically (via Facebook) on a comment thread so everyone could see, try to pull me up on something she perceived I had done wrong. I was so outraged, I'm afraid that instead of pouring water on the flames like I usually do, that I let fly. I told her that she had insulted me, that a number of things she had said were out of order, and that her treatment of my husband and son was horrible, and that the letter she sent me when I was fresh out of hospital and ill with horrific PND and swine flu, detailing my various 'crimes' going years back was toxic and poisonous. I called her to account basically. Then she told me to delete her off FB, and not to contact her for as many years as it took to see her point of view.

Initially, I was relieved. The rest of my family was proud of my (including gp's, aunts and uncles, who all view her treatment of my young family as quite sadistic). Now Christmas is here, and passed, I'm feeling a bit lost again. I called her to account. Instead of answers, or even an apology I was met with a big old 'fuck you'. My Mum has gone. Since I left home, she doesn't even try to fight him anymore. She just sits there and agrees with him. I didn't think I'd get an apology but... This? She's ready to never see me again. Or her dgs. He's so perfect, and so beautiful. And she doesn't care. I'm in tears suddenly. Shocked. Please help me. I've battled with them both and their toxic behaviour for several years, but it's still a shock to me.

To be honest you fathers behaviour sounds a bit out of the ordinary.

Don't feel bad for feeling sad to not have your mum. It's testament to the fact that you are a caring, feeling person. You need to remember that you are a good mother and a good daughter and that it is your parents choice to behave this way.

I still think that there's more to this situation than meets the eye on your parents side of things.

It's not stupid what you're telling here brandybutter, what he did was sexually abusive to you. At that age you had the right to privacy and instead he invaded your space when you had no clothes on and did something as disgusting as that to you. I hope you are getting a lot of support through counselling on this.

It does sound like he's telling your mum what to do, probably including the facebook thing. He probably doesn't want her to get the idea that it's possible to escape him the way you did. But she's making a choice to stay with him and support him - there are ways out for women now if they want to leave.

I'm sorry she's done this to you. It must hurt a lot, but it's a reflection on her and him, not on you.

I don't know seasons what do you mean by more than meets the eye?

God, can't believe he did that too you, brandy, what an awful man.

I hope she sees sense and leaves him.

OMG I've just read your further posts about your father's behaviour - this is awful! He really has a very, very big problem; this kind of behaviour is genuinely twisted. And you were not fucked up for feeling kind of rejected when it stopped; he was fucked up for creating this dynamic in the first place, he had groomed you to feel like that. I'm too tired the moment to go into all the psychology of it but yours was a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. You wanted him to love you, that's all; he wanted something he should never have wanted from you. I'm sorry. I had definite shades of this in my relationship with my father too. It sucks.

Oh thunder no, it isn't sexual abuse because he never touched me in 'that' way. I can't compare myself to a sexual abuse victim because that is wrong. It was just a weird control thing, I guess.

It is sexual abuse and it does fall into the category of sexual abuse. He was a voyeur to you. Sorry to be blunt about it.

I was trying to hint at the fact that insisting on watching your teenage daughter dress and undress is not normal. Urinating on your daughter is not normal.

Sorry to be so blunt.

There will no doubt be reasons why your father feels this to be acceptable behaviour (which it isn't) and there will also be reasons why your mother opts to stay with this man and disown her daughter. These reasons will not excuse or make their behaviour acceptable but my hunch is they won't be reasons that will be easy to listen to.

Your Dad abused you - this was a form of sexual and/or emotional abuse

I'm so sorry, for whatever reason your mum is just not standing up to him. Is it possible to write to her without him knowing? Tell her about him watching you undress (does she know?) then tell her what you remember about hiding with her and her trying to keep you safe. It sounds as if she loved you dearly

Just so you know that professionals in this field would call what you experienced sexual abuse, from the American Psychological Association:

"Child sexual abuse is not solely restricted to physical contact; such abuse could include noncontact abuse, such as exposure, voyeurism, and child pornography."

www.apa.org/pubs/info/brochures/sex-abuse.aspx

No I worded it wrongly, he would see me in the bath, come in and go to the toilet and accidentally miss iyswim so he wouldn't just fully urinate on me. Sorry my bad wording. It's just that it happened every time I took a bath so I couldn't relax.

Oh God no, I can't tell my Mum! She wouldn't believe me anyway. It sounds made up doesn't it?! Even if she did ... Where's the point? She's made it clear she doesn't like me anymore.

Yes, she used to fight back a lot more. But as I got older, I took a lot of the flak iyswim and it damaged our relationship.

I didn't misunderstand you Brandy. You were clear the first time. It happened every time you had a bath... ...
Even if it happened once, it's not a joke.
Please don't feel bad Brandy, this wasn't your doing. You had no control over where that urine went.

Just wanted to say sorry you're feeling sad & the shock of her behaviour will fade.

Tbh they both sound vile & I think it might be worth thinking that it's a good thing she's not talking to her. Please don't try to get into a situation where you are chasing her, wanting her to be nice to you.

Physically talking to friends & someone professionally qualified will help you massively, but remember, you can't change someone else's thoughts & behaviours, only your own.

How long have you had counselling for Brandy?

Yes, I have seen a counsellor and it was him who said I should confront them if not face to face, then by letter or phone.

He also said I don't have to forgive anything. Which is nice.

About 6 months seasons, only since I started the second phase of my PND treatment.

brandybutter

Of course it hurts my love - you are effectively grieving for the mother you have lost.

Well done for speaking up and not trying to smooth things over this time. Your counsellor is right, you do not have to forgive ANYTHING. Please don't doubt for a second that having no contact is the wrong thing for you and your perfect little DS - neither of you deserve to be treated like this for a second longer. Well done to your DH for telling your mother where to go. And it sounds as if other family members are on your 'side' too.

Your mother (very wrongly) turned you into an ally, even a 'saviour'. I suspect in her eyes your role was to protect her by always being there and helping divert your father's abusive behaviour away from her. But you left. In her eyes you abandoned her.

Your father's behaviour was a form of sexual abuse. Leaving was bad enough, but having a child probably confirmed that there would be no way you would ever return to their house. Let's face it, would you ever trust him with your child? It could also be the end of the 'young' you. There was no way you could go back to being that young child he watched and treated so terribly.

You dared to leave and replace them as family, with a husband and child. They have no way of fighting that, so are turning the blame onto you.

They both behaved badly in the past, and are both continueing to do so.

I know you feel horrible right now, but in time you'll see that you and your son are better off without these people in your lives. Just keep going, and eventually the emotions will quieten and you'll feel peace again. They're just emotions. They are not reality. Just ride them out, and clarity will appear sooner than you think. "When you find yourself in hell, keep walking."

Your dad was definitely abusing you. Coming into the bathroom every time your teenage daughter bathes, making humiliating comments about her body, and then denigrating her further by pissing on you (Oh My GOD that is horrific) is beyond-the-pale, no-grey-area, proper psychosexual abuse. Then to go on to say those absolutely horrific things to you while you were pregnant...? He is an abusive, sadistic criminal and should be ashamed of himself.

The only reason you don't see this yet is because you are, at this point, not yet ready to face the rage and betrayal you'll feel when you do. And that is OK. Right now you're focusing on the pain of your mother letting you down, which is clearly what your mind is ready to look at atm.

Your mother sounds beyond repair, addicted to denial and all-around poisonous. Who knows what her motives are, but she is what she is and her behaviour shows she is not a good mother to you.

You think the way you think is "sick", because you sort of missed the attention of your abusive father... please realise... that was the way your parents taught you to think, because they wanted to be able to hurt you with no risk of retaliation. You were and are INNOCENT of any wrongdoing. Now, as an adult, you job is to dismantle all that shame/guilt and get rid of it. You deserve to live a life free of shame. You deserve to be able to see yourself for what you really are -- someone innocent and loveable, who was cruelly wronged.

You did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel ashamed about. A child is worthy of love, is worthy of care and attention and honour, just by virtue of their existence... and by not giving you those things, your parents have chosen to be the criminals. THEY are the ones who should be ashamed.

Omfg .

Op , having no contact with your parents is the best thing that could happen.

I'm so sorry they treated you so badly.

oh Brandy you poor love, what he did to you was awful.

I know how you feel in feeling it wasn't that bad, I have technically been raped twice in my life but in no way feel like a rape victim. There was never any proper violence or anything but legally both times it was rape. I still can't feel that way about it though or classify it as such in my mind even though I know intellectualy thats what it was. Its ok to feel that way, maybe even a good thing if it saves you pain.

You have been given some good advice on this thread, please don't feel guilty about your mother and remember you are better off away from these people.

I think it just hit me so hard in the summer how much she had changed; she was nothing like the woman I loved as my Mum. She didn't want to know my family. I remember saying to DH that whatever happened from hereon in happened; because my Mum wasn't there anymore. She was quite thin too; my aunt remarked on it and said she seemed very withdrawn when she'd seen her the week before. It crossed my mind he had done something, as she has a history of anorexia as a teen an a few episodes of depression. She is susceptible to a person like him.

It's never seriously crossed my mind he could abuse her, in whatever way other than to be very controlling tbh. Obviously that is a form of abuse, but I never thought he could be physical? I'm willing to be corrected.

There's something not right with them; I know that. They're very much in their own 'club' together that no one else may enter. He is possessive. She can never be on her own and he has to have her full attention and all her love. I think he saw me as competition, and I knew from about the age of 4 that he didn't like me. I remember it dawning on me quite clearly.

OP I've read your other posts now, and I understand more about your situation now. You've got a wonderful child, it's a horrible situation, but I hope you can try to focus on that and hope she'll realise how horrible she's being in time.