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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DW always drunk when we get jiggy

66 replies

DependencyInjection · 24/12/2011 10:09

I'm really pissed off the DW is always drunk to have a shag with me.

I can't remember the last time we got busy with out her being drunk. If she sober its a no (standard reason why "it hurts too much", if she's drunk she wants me inside her.

Only silver lining is she's drunk 3-4 times a week (but its really poor quality no foreplay and pretty vanilla).

Its a bit discouraging when she wakes up in the morning and the only way she can only remeber is cos of the state of her bits.

She either has to face up to her alcohol problem or face up to her relationship problem.

Either way I'm aggrieved

OP posts:
NoddyHoldersWig · 24/12/2011 10:13

Your wife has a drink problem.

You have a big willy.

You're both to blame.

marmiteandjam · 24/12/2011 10:14

Are you for real??

Helltotheno · 24/12/2011 10:15

Either she just generally has a drink problem or she's drinking to numb the prospect of having to shag you because either a) she doesn't fancy you b) she doesn't like sex in general.

If I were in your place the drinking would potentially be the bigger problem. Tell her you're worried about the drinking and you'd like her to cut down and say you won't put out any more if she's drunk. But don't look for sex when she's sober either. When the drinking part improves, you can take it from there.

Original poster
DependencyInjection · 24/12/2011 10:21

Helltotheno

I'm of the opinion its A and its time for her to face reality.

NoddyHoldersWig
yes, no, and it always takes two to tango - so yeh we're both to blame. But I want to stop the problem, get a resolution and change the situation.

The "silver lining" bit was a piss poor attempt at a joke to outline the frequency of the drinking and bring a bit of levity to a festering wound of a problem

OP posts:
NoddyHoldersWig · 24/12/2011 10:27

Sorry if you were being serious Dependency - it's just that OP read like an attempt at a wind up.

If you are serious, the drinking is the problem. But you know that.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 24/12/2011 10:31

Stop having sex with her when she's drunk, for a start. It's unethical if you know that she will only agree to sex when she's drunk. It's very difficult to live with someone who has a drink problem, because you can't fix if for him/her, you can only decide how much you're prepared to accept. But taking advantage of someone's drink problem in order to get sex on that person's body is not going to make things better.

Original poster
DependencyInjection · 24/12/2011 11:01

She initiates sex when drunk and its difficult to stop cos of the sulks if I say no.
SolidGoldStockingFilla - you appear to have come to an assumption, to endevour to put the onus of blame upon myself.

OP posts:
PlentyOfPubeGardens · 24/12/2011 11:09

Why is sex hurting her?

toddlerama · 24/12/2011 11:16

Why are her bits 'in a state' the next day? Why is there no foreplay? Why does it hurt her when she's sober? Maybe you're doing it wrong...

dreamingbohemian · 24/12/2011 11:26

Yes, why does it hurt? She finds it actually physically painful? Has she seen the GP about it?

You don't sound very sympathetic or understanding if that's the case.

And it IS very unethical to sleep with her knowing she won't remember it and will be in pain the next day. Good lord.

icouldhavebeenyourDW · 24/12/2011 11:32

~I have been in your DW situation. The reason I could only have sex after a few drinks was because it numbed my feelings long enough to do it. I wanted to have sex, I needed to have sex, I wanted the intimacy that sex brought. But my Ex was so emotionally unavailable and distant outside the bedroon that I couldn't "get int the mood" without a drink.
Not saying this is your situation but I know when I was like your DW it was awful.

mumblechum1 · 24/12/2011 11:33

I think you should encourage her to see a doctor.

It isn't supposed to hurt!

icouldhavebeenyourDW · 24/12/2011 11:35

Oh and yes you could say that I had a drink problem. But I only had the problem when it came to my Ex.

pinkyredrose · 24/12/2011 12:30

Its a bit discouraging when she wakes up in the morning and the only way she can only remeber is cos of the state of her bits. Yuk!

You sound about as sensitive as a wooden spoon OP, maybe you should be looking at how you treat your wife? Do you actually love her? Do you make her feel loved?

I think I'd have to be drunk to have sex with you TBH.

PieCherry · 24/12/2011 12:47

Ouch to some of the responses on this thread:(
OP - how old is she?
Apart from the alcohol - maybe it's a hormonal/physical problem, lack of lubrication etc?
Have you tried dicussing this whilst she is sober?

Talking from experience you need to be tender. gentle and patient.

AND you need to encourage her yo get the alcohol dependency sorted out.

xxxx

thesunshinesbrightly · 24/12/2011 15:17

Your post sounds vulgar and i think the only answer to this is she cant face sex with you sober so she has to be drunk first.

BastedTurkey · 24/12/2011 15:24

Why does it hurt your wife? If she is not sufficiently lubricated then you need to work on your foreplay techniques.

As has been said before you need to support her in addressing the alcohol problem first

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 24/12/2011 15:44

If you are for real you are disgusting for 2 reasons

  1. having sex with a drunk person

  2. doing that knowing that you will be hurting her

What sort of man are you ?

misty0 · 24/12/2011 17:32

If she is initiating sex when she's drunk, then OP isnt being disgusting on taking her up on it really. I sometimes initiate sex when p*ssed and i dont think of my OH as disgusting for accepting the offer.

The hurting could just be a way of putting off sex when she's sober, as she knows saying that makes him stop.

I would second the drink problem theory, and also advise exploring better foreplay when she's sober.

RealiTreeCoveredInTinsel · 24/12/2011 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 25/12/2011 11:52

I didn't mean you should turn down someone who initiates sex if they are drunk. In a healthy relationship, that is fine, of course it is (this is why there are so many babies born in September Xmas Wink )

I meant in this context alone

He knows he hurts her to have sex

It will still hurt her when she's drunk

No man I would like to know would have sex with me if he knew it would hurt me

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 25/12/2011 12:11

How terrible for posters to assume that the dw saying she is in pain is an excuse.

There is not enough information to make that assumption.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 25/12/2011 12:20

an excuse for what, MrsPles ?

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 25/12/2011 14:20

There are a couple of replies that seem to suggest that the dw is saying that she is in pain as an excuse not to have sex, and ergo that this is a fabrication/excuse/not genuine in some way.

I don't see how that can be assumed.

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 25/12/2011 14:23

The dw could well have some gynae issues that do cause her pain... There simply isn't enough info in the OP aside from a brief mention of pain and the "state" afterwards (which again, could mean a couple of things).

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