He has just told me that he no longer fancies me enough to have sex - devastated!

[bevy2603]

Please help me! I am new to this site and need help. My husband told me on Sunday that he does not find me sexually attractive he says that my weight gain is part of the reason why we have a once a month sex life - I was going to the gym up till the summer and my routine changed after our summer holiday and starting a new job! Think I have probably put a stone on and am now a size 16! He has a stressful job which he also blames on his lack of interest! I can't eat sleep or think straight I am so hurt so broken hearted we have been married for 7 years! I can't face him talk to him I just want to die of the shame of it! I am an undesirable

Bevy

My h would absolutely never say this, but my brother has, to his wife, and I think she is only a size 12. My point is that I can see that he is insecure, fundamentally, and sees her looks as an accoutrement to him. He has always been like this, and looking from the outside, I wish she would tell him to fuck off instead of dieting constantly.

A few more points- one of my 2 daughters is a size 14 or just under, and aged 15. I used to worry about this, as my older children are slim, and I worried for her. But she doesnt give a damn, and therefore, neither do lads, she has no end of interest from boys. My older daughter is very slim and quite stunning, but was a little less self confident as a teen, and less successful with boys.

Finally, bear in mind that marriage goes on a long time. There will be many times in future when he is hoping for you to love and care for him, when he is less than glamorous himself, maybe with ill health, erection problems which older men can get, and god knows what else!

This isn't about your weight.

Running faster won't make your marriage happy, or your husband a better man.

Have a think about how a kind man who loved you would have dealt with this. There would have been care for your feelings and the truth would have been delivered in a way that minimised your hurt.

He said this to divert attention from his own issues, all of which are currently hidden from you. Likely issues are his own sexual dysfunction or an affair - possibly both.

You say he is usually kind, but then you tell us that he has 'graded' you. If this grading and uncharacteristic unkindness is recent and coincided with him avoiding sex, then it is most likely that he is having an affair.

Don't ask him if this is the case, because he will deny it. The evidence is likely to be on his phone.

This is way out of hand OP. You are downing night nurse in order to sleep just because has has told you you have put on weight?

He is normally kind to you but you only have sex once a month. There's something not right here.

You are a size 16. That's OK - you're not obese or unhealthy, yet you are in a complete state because of something he's said. It is completely normal to put on weight after having children. Go to the gym if you want to, but do it for yourself, not for anyone else.

No-one knows if the OP is obese or unhealthy to be fair.

But that's not the issue here.

If her DH was so concerned about her health, I'm sure he wouldn't have 'graded' her and been so nasty.

What an arsehole! I'm for you.

If I was you, I'd get down the gym, have my hair and nails done, buy some new clothes.

I'd then flirt with gorgeous men and see how he likes to have his self esteem trampled on. Then I'd leave him for one of them.

I was thinking about this and remembered when i was 27 i had to have a double mastectomy.My dh at the time was 24.He took the whole thing in his stride and continued to make me feel loved and attractive.I also put on weight with the treatment and lost my hair. He never once made me feel bad.

Lets hope some of these guys never have real problems eh?

ledkr that must have been a very traumatic time for you. Im sorry that you had to go through this and i hope you are much better now.
Its the sort of thing i meant when i mentioned illness and medication upthread.
OP the fact that your OH is grading you GRADING YOU for fuck sake is testament to what i said earlier ......YEP the FHM effect.
ledkr a lot of older and supposedly more mature men could learn a lesson from your 24 year old DH.

He is emotionally abusing you

My xh was just like this and I was reminiscing about some of his comments the other day,one of which was that he was embarrassed to introduce me (was size 18 5"9)to people. He really was vile about it.

What annoyed me was the years I spent as a super slim fit woman were completely unremarked on - no compliments nothing but he was fast enough to snipe when I put on weight though. Also he was quite scrawny and never felt any need to bulk up or "improve " his appearance.

Since spending 18 months on MN I now realise he was a narcissitic tosser and as someone said upthread it was all about how it reflected on him

worraliberty she' a size 16 - only very rarely would that be obese. If she's 5'6 it's a healthy size.

Exactly what pretend housewife said. Shes only a size 16 and shes only gone up one size anyway. I have a feeling that he would only find something else to moan about if she did decide (for herself) to lose any weight.
Is anybody else finding that there is a disturbing undercurrant to Worralibertys posts or is it just me?

The other thing - sorry! is start looking for an affair. A man would fk a skunk with a can of deoderant in his hand if there were no other option.

But when their attraction is elsewhere you become like the dustball in the corner.

Pretendhousewife, ?she's a size 16 - only very rarely would that be obese. If she's 5'6 it's a healthy size"...
I totally disagree with that. I?m 5?6? and a size 10 and when I had my BMI checked for a physical/medical I was told not to put any more weight on (in other words, fat, not muscle). If I was wearing a size 16 I?d have rolls of fat covering me because I can pinch a good inch now!

So LillyBeth you think her dp is justified in his argument, he's telling her she's too fat because he's worried about her health now? There could be many reasons why OP's husband doesn't want to have sex with her, and being a size 16 isn't one of them.

Mslillybeth that is the biggest pile of crap. do not project your body issues onto others

Op me and dh were looking at old pics of us yesterday and laughing at how fresh faced and fit we looked.I was size 14 very groomed and looked lovely,he was handsome and toned and dressed immaculately.
Since we had our baby 10 months ago,i am a size 16-wooooo! only groomed if i go out and even then a bit tired looking,dh is a bit skinny-no time for gym,greying-stress and also looks tired. Its not just woman who change as time passes and life changes.
Dh's appearance has suffered too,cos he does his fair share of parenting and for that reason we stil fancy each other madly and have a decent sex life,your dh needs to man the fuck up.
If i was you id get out more with your mates and have a good flirt.Tell dh as he has made his feelings plane you have realised you feel the same way and watch him squirm.

What a scumbag.

Him not you!

Most comments have been really helpful some inspiring thank you. Me and my DH have been talking lots and I have stopped over processing! He knows how much he has hurt me and regrets not being more sensitive. For my own self esteem I have embarked on eating less and exercising more! I feel strange and suddenly vulnerable and fear that at some point I will get a little bit angry with DH for dropping this crap on me. My size 16 jeans are already falling of me and so not long before I can dig out my size 14's! and I have already sorted out a girls night out in the new year! It's me time!

My xh said something similar . I lost a lot of weight over night !! As told him the doors that way ( was not the cause but certainly helped )

I then found someone else ok it did not last but it sure boosted my confidence realised problem was my xh not me

Bevy, I'm glad you are happier, but who said you're over-processing? You've been insulted and have turned his comments in on yourself. I would have got angry and told him where to get off.

He regrets not being more sensitive? Um, he is being sensitive - to his desire for your body shape to be up to his standard. Most men are NOT sensitive about that.

If he were sensitive he would be very concerned about the fact that you have dropped a dress size in the 3 days since you started this thread.

Make sure you re-visit this thread if he ever makes you feel bad about yourself again.

yes i agree with pretend Glad you have found a way to feel happier but please read my post above.Many things can happen in a marriage to change our appearance not just weight gain. If his love for you is so fragile and easily rocked then lets hope you always look the same.
Use this time not just to improve your appearance but your self esteem too. Next time he behaves so superficially you will have the confidence to meet him head on.

Yes! It's you time now!

You go girl. And do you know what, he will respect you so much when you do things for you. Merry Christmas, and here's to a great size 12 2012 to you. And me, too. I will try (to be good) and think of you when I start being wobbly!

What pretend said. I hope he was totally contrite and will never try to make you feel like that again.

OVER THIRTY YEARS AGO my XH (note the H bit) said to me something similar. I think in his cackhanded way (he was never a man of wise words - and still isnt) he was trying to get me to lose weight. He told me I was FAT and should lose weight - never anything about our sex life - but I WAS A SIZE 12/14 maximum. God knows what he thinks of my weight now - and I really dont give two flying fks what he thinks but I'm a lot heavier and a lot happier without him - and I have a great sex life now with whom I want - when I want !