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Original poster

He has just told me that he no longer fancies me enough to have sex - devastated!

78 replies

bevy2603 · 21/12/2011 22:02

Please help me! I am new to this site and need help. My husband told me on Sunday that he does not find me sexually attractive he says that my weight gain is part of the reason why we have a once a month sex life - I was going to the gym up till the summer and my routine changed after our summer holiday and starting a new job! Think I have probably put a stone on and am now a size 16! He has a stressful job which he also blames on his lack of interest! I can't eat sleep or think straight I am so hurt so broken hearted we have been married for 7 years! I can't face him talk to him I just want to die of the shame of it! I am an undesirable

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 22/12/2011 00:15

I'm aware women have needs too, but I don't think it's fair to say her DH (or anyone) should be careful what they wish for...because that implies the overweight person may be more likely to sleep with someone else.

I'm sure there are plenty of Weight Watchers out there who don't feel the need!

NeedAnXmasList · 22/12/2011 00:19

Maybe he's just being honest and wants to get your love life back on track??

However extremely insensitive to put it this way. My exDH was like this and at one point even said he had to keep his eyes shut otherwise it would put him off - was also size 16 at the time. I did lose weight - for me.

My ex was a vain man who thought a fat wife was a reflection of him. I dumped him.

My current DH loves me no matter what size always telling me how attractive I am.

carernotasaint · 22/12/2011 00:22

Those weight watchers out there probably havent been in a sexless relationship for years. The phrase "walk a mile in my shoes before you judge" springs to mind.
I posted a thread back in late August about this when i first joined Mumsnet about being depressed about my situation and recieved some great support from the lovely ladies on here which really helped me through a difficult time and will always be grateful for that.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 22/12/2011 00:24

So, you're usually a 14 and now you're a 16 and he 'no longer fancies me enough to have sex'.

Bollocks. One dress size and he's gone off sex? There's something else going on.

AgnesBligg · 22/12/2011 00:26

Worra - the poster was giving her experience. It's an open forum and OP can take her post or leave it.

Bevy - what a shit thing for your Dh to say to you.

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2011 00:33

Agnes the poster said OP i guess what im trying to say is that your DH needs to be careful what he wishes for! after posting that she'd lost weight and had an affair.

I resent the implication that losing weight may cause the OP to have different values when it comes to being faithful in her marriage.

AgnesBligg · 22/12/2011 00:38

i imagine OP knows her own values well enough.

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2011 00:39

Exactly! So she doesn't need it implying that she might lose them along with any weight.

AgnesBligg · 22/12/2011 00:42

oh stop it Xmas Grin

carernotasaint · 22/12/2011 00:49

Maybe it would help the OP if her husband stopped being so fucking shallow.
How on earth would he cope if GOD FORBID she became ill and gained weight through having to take medication.
The fact that the OPs DH is shallow and she is not already shows up that HE has different values to her.

JinglePosyPerkin · 22/12/2011 00:50

Well, speaking as someone who has been between a size 12 and 24 during my 15 year marriage (18 currently) I am both upset & angry for you. I agree that there may well be more to it though - maybe I'm just lucky that my DH has never commented on me putting weight on in this way but I do find it very cruel to tell someone you are supposed to love that they are now too big to have sex with! You are still the same person after all.

What an arse! Sad

woahthere · 22/12/2011 00:58

i'll just put it bluntly shall...'what...a....dick....'
. You are married, how dare he talk to you this way, he cant have stopped fancying you because you put on a bit of weight...he has his own problems and is pinning them on you.

MeMySonAndI · 22/12/2011 01:07

It is an awful thing for him to say, it should have been painful to hear it, but... the most worrying thing is he no longer feel attracted. I doubt is the weight if you have only gone up one dress size, but weight or no weight your relationship is in trouble, you need to decide if you both want to save it and take action to do it (more like going to Relate than loosing weight), or if it better to end it before both of you become so resentful the things turn nasty.

Abitwobblynow · 22/12/2011 06:34

Watch out. My friend's H told her it was because she was too fat. So she dieted like mad, and then he told her it was because she was too thin.

My only piece of advice to you is, stand in the mirror, look at yourself, then do what you want to do FOR YOU. Not for him.

Because what he told you might be projection, might be a longing for the past, might be a bit of truth. Who knows. Just live life, do what you want to do for you. Self-respect is the greatest aphrodisiac of all.

Original poster
bevy2603 · 22/12/2011 06:39

I guess I am scared of our future how do you move on from this! I can join ww and run to hell and back on a treadmill but will I live in fear for the rest of my life in case I gain weight again? I don't believe he is getting it elsewhere but I never believed that he would ever say things like that either! It feels doomed tbh and so close to Xmas too. The thought of sleeping with him again scares me to death obviously that won't be happening in the near future since losing weight safely takes time! Not really spoken to him in the last 4 days since the revelation and he came home drunk last night from his work night out hope he has a big headache in the morning!

OP posts:
nicknamenotinuse · 22/12/2011 06:43

What a horrible thing to say to you. I am so sorry. How can you now even want to have sex with him? He is supposed to love you no matter what. To be honest, I'd now hate him with a passion and wouldn't want to have sex with him if he was the last man on earth. What a twat. You don't have to be super slim to be sexually attractive, I think your husband has his own issues which he is dragging you down with. Every time you look at him now (and I assume he must be the equivalent of Brad Pitt?) just think what a complete and utter twat. Hopefully that will make you feel better.

Original poster
bevy2603 · 22/12/2011 07:08

Thanks ladies some of these comments have made me laugh and sit up and listen! It won't take long to lose one dress size even two - and I am and will do it for myself. Really appreciate all comments as I can not speak to anyone because it is so embarrassing and my mum sisters and girlfriends won't like him much!

OP posts:
Original poster
bevy2603 · 22/12/2011 07:18

No thoughts of sleeping with him again in the near future I have shut down! We are still sharing the same bed but so not to offend him with my size 16 lump I sleep on the edge - you really could get a ship between us! I have been awake all night listening to him sleeping!

OP posts:
racingheart · 22/12/2011 07:31

It's a very hurtful thing to hear and there are far nicer ways of saying it. But maybe it is a good wake up call. It is very hard to have sex with someone you don't physically find attractive, even if you love them deeply. If you've put on a lot of weight this could be an incentive to lose it, and you'll be glad of that long term.

I'm sorry, but though I'd hate to hear that, I don't think he has no right to say it. We have a bit of duty to our partners, if we want to have sex with them, to stay attractive to them, as they do to us. Take a good look at him and tell him bluntly what turns your stomach too. If he knows how it feels to be on the receiving end of such blunt comments he might be more sensitive in the future. Then you could both get fit and gorgeous and start running after each other again.

Iwasonlyasking · 22/12/2011 07:35

Was he supposed to lie and have sex when he didn't want to?

I can't imagine me telling a woman to have sex with her DH if she didn't find him attractive and didn't want to.

MsLillyBeth · 22/12/2011 08:15

Bevy, sorry you feel hurt. Sexual attractiveness isn?t just about looks though, it?s about how confident someone is in their own skin; do you feel less attractive since you?ve put weight on? Before he said this how did you honestly feel about yourself?

My theory is that his lifestyle is the main reason for his low libido and that he feels crap about it. Maybe if you were a glamour model he?d be sufficiently aroused for that to override his lack of sex drive, and the fact you?re not is part of his ?excuse?. We can?t control who we find sexually attractive and he was just being honest, albeit in a rather insensitive way, but he needs to be told how hurtful that comment was. I hope you can patch this up.

Original poster
bevy2603 · 22/12/2011 08:38

I only wish he had told me before it got this far it would have been more positive and not so devastating of course I don't like being a dress size bigger and it does effect my confidence and it sure was the kick up my bum that I needed but I wished he had told me sooner before he got to the point that he couldn't he could have saved me so much hurt and the negative feelings I now have about myself - sexual attractiveness is about the way you look and if I want to be happy and married to him then I guess I have to run faster today

OP posts:
OneHandWrapping · 22/12/2011 08:51

And when you've lost the weight, he'll tell you he doesn't fancy you because you are getting old. And no-one can win that battle.

He sounds as if he thinks he's entitled to a lingerie model. He's never going to be good for your self esteem.

QueenCess · 22/12/2011 09:04

Running in the opposite direction away from him would be more positive for your self- esteem.

He sounds controlling.

MarchelineWhatNot · 22/12/2011 09:16

I am not sure how I feel about this. I have the opposite problem. I have ballooned to a point where both my gastroenterologist and the fitness instructor at my gym have told me I need to lose weight. I know that I look dreadful. However, my [rather lovely yet completely decitful] DH continuously tells me how fabulous I look. He is talking absolute crap. I wish he would just be honest. It would make life so much easier. And no, we haven't done for about 2 months either. He puts that down to stress at work Hmm.

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