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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH is is the middle of mental breakdown - should I stay or go?

54 replies

daydreamer92 · 21/12/2011 06:20

We have had a turbulent last 4 months - emmigration was planned and going through DH alredy working out there for 2and a half months. Job then suddenly fell through and he came back. We were devastated for a while, but house sale hadn't gone through, still had my job and DH seem positive would get a new job back in the UK, kids 14,12,7 all settled back into thier schools. However.......DH has always had depressive tendancies and has been on anti depressants for about 10 years, we've been married for 19. I think we've had an average marriage until now, although my family and friends have always pointed out to me that he's not much a support and other than going to work does very little for me around the house and doesn't do much at all with the children. What they don't know is that he's probably been an alcoholic for the last few years as well......never drinks during the day but always a bottle of wine at night every night, whether we've had the money or not. A few days ago he just flew off the handle about a silly incident of me not being able to answer a text while I was at work.....this blew up even more by the evening with him snarling at me in front of the kids calling me an F*ing bitch. Kids and I packed up and left, just to get out of the terrible atmosphere. He's now been crying on the phone about how sorry he is, he's having a mental breakdown, he's spoken to the doctor, he's made an appointment to get counselling.........I am going to see him today without the kids to talk about things, but he keep asking me if there's hope...has anyone been through the same thing?.....if he's having a mental breakdown (he has NO friends and his family are disgusted by his behaviour) will i just push him over the edge, I think he may do something stupid if I say i don't want to come back? I think I still love him...I just think over the last few months I don't like him anymore....it's 19 years of marriage and just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Original poster

daydreamer92 · 21/12/2011 06:26

In addition to the above, he also claimed, (while having his paddy) that he'd had a girlfriend out in the other country we were emigrating to.....to be honest I felt indifferent about it......my family live in the country we were emmigrating to so I sent them the photo of her to see if they knew who she was. He's now claiming he made it up and that he was just trying to lash out at me.....which i think is just as bad......had a message from him this morning asking me to take him to counselling next week.....not sure if it's all for show....i don't know anyone who's had a mental breakdown before....should I stay with him and support him and see how things go.......bearing in mind I've got Christmas next week and three kids.......or is it better for me to stay away and let him make these changes by himself? Any advice?

OP posts:

weevilswobble · 21/12/2011 06:27

Awww, poor you. What a horrible thing to be going through. I dont know what to say really. As Mum and Wife you are the key to the whole family, are you getting enough emotional and actual support from friends and family? You can get through this if you want to. What would be your ideal outcome?

weevilswobble · 21/12/2011 06:31

Claiming he had a girlfriend could have just been trying to convince you that hes still attractive. He does sound a bit insecure and vulnerable.

weevilswobble · 21/12/2011 06:34

If the shoe was on the other foot and it was you having a breakdown i guess you'd want him to stick around and be supportive. Perhaps thats what you have to do, sounds like he does want to get help, in fact hes screaming out for help isnt he?

Original poster

daydreamer92 · 21/12/2011 07:34

I know he wants help, and he's claiming to me and my family that he'll do anything to keep his family together.....however, it would seem he still wants me to take him to the counselling sessions, take him to the doctors etc.....I have the car and I'm thinking that if he really wants to prove he wants to change maybe getting on a bus should be the first step?

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 21/12/2011 08:15

Mm... I've got no idea what's going on with your H, of course, not having met him nor being in the mental health field, but suspect that if you say "ok dear, I'll support you, in sickness and in health and all that" and move back in he will promptly slide back, and if he attends more than about two counselling sessions it will be a miracle. If it's a genuine breakdown he will need boundaries and incentives anyway, and if not, he needs a good kicking; time, and hard work on his part, will tell. Like you say, he should prove he wants to change and take some steps towards it before you relax at all.

If you want to move back in - three DCs at Christmas and all that - I suggest you are very clear that this is only a provisional measure and that you will move out again - or he will - at the first sign of backsliding.

As for the girlfriend thing, who knows? Quite possibly a silly story, which would be of a piece with his current irrational behaviour, but it's also possible that the bad behaviour is due to having his eye on someone else (whether or not the someone else reciprocates or even knows).

naturalbaby · 21/12/2011 08:25

I have been through a rough time recently and if i was having a full on mental break down the last thing i could cope with is my dh leaving me. i have made life difficult for him and pushed him away but the one time he did walk out was a big reality check so i pulled myself together for the sake of our relationship.
if he has no support via friends or family then how will he cope without you?
there's only so much a person can put up with though so if you really can't deal with it then you need a long term plan so he knows what's going on. he needs to know what to expect so he can deal with your decision.

if he has a mental health condition and is doing everything he can to deal with it then i would give him a chance and support him through this. is this really the end of a 19yr marriage?

nectarina · 21/12/2011 08:27

Agree that he shouldn't be relying on you for lifts to appointments, he can take the bus. I think you can possibly stand by him but only after he's shown you that he wants to turn things around, no half measures.

SirSugar · 21/12/2011 08:30

Tell him that only he can help himself and that you refuse to assist him in self perpetuating his victim mentality any longer as it will only serve to prolong his own unhappiness

Original poster

daydreamer92 · 21/12/2011 08:48

appreciate the advice. before this all kicked off there were little things i've put up with for years, spending beyond his means leading to years of debt, general miserable demeanor, inability to get on with anybody.....think SirSugar sums it up perfectly with the self perpetuating victim mentality. I know that leaving him could push him over the edge, just can't stand living with him in tension and inhappiness. DD (14) doesn't want anything to do with him after she witnessed his effing and blinding at me when we left. My own mother stayed with my dad for 20 years longer than she should have done because she felt sorry for him and thought he might do something silly if she left. Still not sure what to do

OP posts:

Original poster

daydreamer92 · 21/12/2011 08:49

a friend of mine just said to me that if I carry on doing what I've been doing for all these years, I'll just carry on getting what I've been getting......nearly time to go and see him now and just don't know what to do :(

OP posts:

HappyCamel · 21/12/2011 08:57

I'd go. You promised "in sickness and in health", so long as he's seeking help I think you should give your support. It soundslike you could do with some time together without the kids to set some rules and talk about your expectations. Retracing your marriage vows together could be a starting point, challenge him to keep them.

Good luck, it must be so hard.

HappyCamel · 21/12/2011 08:58

rereading, no retracing

GypsyMoth · 21/12/2011 09:00

What meds is he on?

Viewofthehills · 21/12/2011 09:09

I think you could support him without moving home or actually you should be in the house and he should move out. If you are going to move home you need to set some firm ground rules.
I think one of the real issues is- does he now want to change or is he saying what he thinks you want to hear? Please don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed.
How does he talk to the children, does he swear at them? Do they want to move home?
Do you know you could say- THIS is how you make me feel. I don't know what I want to do about it yet. I need time to think it through. In the meantime i need you to carry on seeing the GP/going to the counsellor so that i can see you really intend to change.
Stay calm, state your position and don't engage in shouting with him.
If he starts shouting say- i will talk to you again when you can talk to me in a polite way.
I know it's so hard- best wishes

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 21/12/2011 09:11

just from the other perspective - taking a bus may sound simple to some but in the midst of a breakdown and feeling totally freaked out getting a bus can sound about as simple as climbing mount everest on lsd.

is there a friend/family member who could accompany him?

i suspect that what's needed is some time really - where are you staying? is there anyone he could stay with so that you and the kids can be back in the house for christmas? maybe you could say look i honestly don't know if there's hope and i can't be the reason you sort things out. maybe if we spent 6 months apart and you focussed in that time on sorting yourself out and getting better then we could see where we were and where to go from there?

mental illness when it gets to the total losing it stage can make you say and do ridiculous things and he may well be really struggling and regretting but i do respect your right to protect you and your children. spending some time separate and getting him to do the work he needs to do on himself without you holding his hand seems like a good compromise. it's not ending it but it is giving you some space and placing the responsibility for dealing with his health on his shoulders.

sounds like he's been depressed and trying to keep swimming for a long time and it's just come to a head now. the not doing much with the kids would kind of be understandable if he's spent the last ten years pulling himself through the quick sand of depression and struggling to just go through the motions and get through each day. but it does sound like it's reached a make or break point where either he wants and is ready to do what it takes to get as better as he can or you are going to say it's too much, too long and i can't go on.

how does the idea of a 6 month separation sound to you?

Angelswings · 21/12/2011 09:17

Getting on a bus when you are depressed is beyond some. Getting out of bed is hard enough.

Please don't make any decisions until things have stabilised.

Make sure you spend time with people who are radiators not drains. Drains will be very supportive of you but talk very negatively about your DH. Radiators will listen to you, but talk in positive terms about you, your DH chances of being helped and hopefully other things that will make you laugh.

You know the difference as drains will leave you feeling washed out with no hope. Radiators leave you warm and hopeful

Original poster

daydreamer92 · 21/12/2011 09:31

Thanks for all your advice, I am off now to see DH and see what happens. thanks

OP posts:

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 21/12/2011 09:34

yeah - glad someone else got the bus thing. when really depressed and anxious getting on a bus would be totally beyond me no matter what threats were applied. will someone in your family take him? sit in the waiting room with him? he's probably terrified. i'm not saying it should have to be you but obviously as his wife he thinks of you first iyswim. those saying 'he should get on the bus' are maybe lacking a bit of knowledge about how this shit feels.

and i agree about the radiator/drain thing. many 'friends' are those who will say everything they think you want to hear, everything that will make you like them more etc. that isn't what we need really. not as in we should hang out with bastards who make us feel like shit but friends should have the balls to look at the stuff we'd rather not hear when necessary too you know?

don't see his inability to get on a bus or sit in a waiting room on his own as proof that he doesn't love you enough to try.

maybe say look i KNOW you need support, i KNOW you are ill, i GET that this is hard for you but it can't be me that gives you all this right now so we need to find other support systems for you.

you loved this man right? and he's your kids dad. you want him to get better even if only for their sakes right? hopefully his gp can refer him to the mental health team and they can allocate him a CPN who can visit him regularly and may be willing to accompany him to appointments.

dreamingbohemian · 21/12/2011 09:40

I hope everything is going okay.

I think the big problem here really is that he's also an alcoholic. There's practically no point taking ADs if you're also going to drink a bottle of wine every night. Whatever happens, he needs to commit to not drinking.

I think you need to go with what's best for the children, which is probably that you all move back home, he moves out while he's getting help, and you support him to whatever extent you feel comfortable. See how it goes and constantly reevaluate.

joanofarchitrave · 21/12/2011 09:42

sounds like you could all do with some support. i think santa's post is great.

his gp needs to get on the case. referral to crisis team/community mental health team needed. substance misuse team referral.

google mental health befriending for your area. there will be a long waiting list but you might as well get him on it. you are his only support right now and that's too much for anyone - believe me I know only too well (how on earth have you managed 19 years??? I sometimes feel like i've been married for 7 years forever).

if you asked someone in his family (maybe someone a bit neutral like a cousin, an uncle by marriage?) and laid it on the line about your marriage needing support right now and no judging needed, would they help out with something specific like lifts, or a weekly trip to the chess club/fishing/football?

Very best wishes to you.

sayithowitis · 21/12/2011 10:15

Have PM'd you.

difficulttimes · 21/12/2011 10:30

I struggle with the whole, stand by your man no matter what' ' you made vows' etc mentality becasue I definetly apply it to cheating.

The thing is OP, you said you were aware of his drink problem but still stayed, until he became abusive which is a choice. So you have nothing to feel guilty about,

tbh I would distance myself until he has really made a change.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 21/12/2011 10:34

obviously this isn't the place for me to reveal ins and outs of my mental health issues and stuff but if you do want to know anything or discuss anything then do feel free to pm me.

good luck with meeting up today x

dreamingbohemian · 21/12/2011 10:39

Yes

I also think depression is used as an excuse for a lot of bad behaviour (I have suffered from it myself)

It's not like depressives are perfect people, only doing bad things because of their disease. They are like everyone else, a mix of bad and good, and shouldn't get a free pass for everything bad they do.

It sounds like your DH has been very wearing for a very long time. He will need to make some radical changes -- but maybe he can. I hope your talk has gone well.

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