DH is is the middle of mental breakdown - should I stay or go?

[daydreamer92]

We have had a turbulent last 4 months - emmigration was planned and going through DH alredy working out there for 2and a half months. Job then suddenly fell through and he came back. We were devastated for a while, but house sale hadn't gone through, still had my job and DH seem positive would get a new job back in the UK, kids 14,12,7 all settled back into thier schools. However.......DH has always had depressive tendancies and has been on anti depressants for about 10 years, we've been married for 19. I think we've had an average marriage until now, although my family and friends have always pointed out to me that he's not much a support and other than going to work does very little for me around the house and doesn't do much at all with the children. What they don't know is that he's probably been an alcoholic for the last few years as well......never drinks during the day but always a bottle of wine at night every night, whether we've had the money or not. A few days ago he just flew off the handle about a silly incident of me not being able to answer a text while I was at work.....this blew up even more by the evening with him snarling at me in front of the kids calling me an F*ing bitch. Kids and I packed up and left, just to get out of the terrible atmosphere. He's now been crying on the phone about how sorry he is, he's having a mental breakdown, he's spoken to the doctor, he's made an appointment to get counselling.........I am going to see him today without the kids to talk about things, but he keep asking me if there's hope...has anyone been through the same thing?.....if he's having a mental breakdown (he has NO friends and his family are disgusted by his behaviour) will i just push him over the edge, I think he may do something stupid if I say i don't want to come back? I think I still love him...I just think over the last few months I don't like him anymore....it's 19 years of marriage and just don't know what to do for the best.

I think he has to address his ishoos. I think he does need your support but he must make the choice to seek help and commit to his recovery. He can not do it for you, for the kids or anyone else. He will not get better until he believes he deserves to get better and his life is worth it.

Your support is very important but not crucial.

I agree with Santa though -- that first step in getting help is so, so hard, and yes getting on a bus seems like the most impossible thing in the world.

When I was depressed I always felt like if someone would just swoop in and 'rescue' me take me to the doctor, get me help, pick up the pieces of my life then I would do anything to feel better, but I just could not get it sorted on my own.

But that didn't happen, things got worse and worse until I hit rock bottom, then I was forced to get my act together on my own.

So I do think, if you want to, it would be great to support him. He has a better chance of success with support.

But that's a separate question as to what you should do about the state of your relationship. I don't know that it's good for the DC to have him living with you all when he is in this state. But you can support him without living with him for a while, and see how it goes.

You can support him - but keep your distance. Supporting him doesn't have to mean you're promising to stay with him for another 19 years. Make sure the alcohol issues are being addressed as the ads may not be working if mixed with alcohol.

You and your children must come first. If you became ill everything would go tits up. You can get help from your local carers centre (if it hasn't been closed down yet...).

Ask yourself if he would do the same for you. If you'd gone abroad, had an affair, then returned and was abusive, then begged him for help?

Would his family help get him to the doctor if you asked OP? He clearly needs the help with getting there, and maybe that would be a step they'd be willing to take to help get him back on his feet. Even better if it came as a favour for you if they are that angry with him.

DP had a breakdown about 3 months after we met. It was really rough, he was drinking a lot and flipped his lid at me sometimes in exactly the way you describe.

TBH if I'd been living with him at the time I'm not sure I would have coped. In some ways I wonder why I did stick it out - after all it was a new relationship. But I already knew I loved him.

As it was I got right to the end of my rope and told him that if he didn't sort himself the fuck out then he wasn't going to see me again. He ended up spending some time at a residential burnout clinic (thank God he had BUPA) and found a therapist who specialised in breakdowns and burnout type clients and who helped him learn to manage his energy and negative moods better. It was a long haul to recovery, and he was a royal PITA for some of that time, but we're still together and getting married next year.

Your situation sounds a bit different, in that you've been together a long time and he's already on ADs. Not really sure what to advise, but just wanted to say that my relationship did survive DP's breakdown. If I learned anything it's that you have to be very clear about where the line is for you and what you expect him to do to sort himself out.

Littlest Light on The Tree, you haven't half got your sceptical claws out last couple of days, every post I see by you is snidey insinuation that there is something to be doubted in the post.

imo, of course.

I think that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can offer some support but it doesn't mean that you have to live in the same house as him or continue to put up with his behaviour. The only person in the family who benefits from that is your dh and I get the impression that he would happily wallow in his new status as victim.

Presumably he managed to get to the doctor by himself. Surely he could get to counselling by himself too? You're caring for his 3 children by yourself yet he still expects you to be able to drop everything to become his personal taxi service.

betterbitofbutter

Can you show us where??

Gosh, what a horrible situation! but if he's serious about getting help, then maybe you could stay BUT with the proviso that you will be gone if he slips back in his old ways. I would also get him to reduce his alcohol intake - that won't be helping anything at all. And if he can't do that - then he probably can't do any of the rest either, so you might have to resign yourself to getting rid of him.

This is the problem isn't it? The alcohol. I asked what meds he is on, cos really not sure they will mix well with alcohol.

The alcohol does seem to be the biggest problem, yes, LittlestLight - and he may be using it to self-medicate, which is never a good plan.

Could he move out temporarily while he gets over this blip? It's all very well to want to support him (and I think that is fair) but it's not acceptable for him to be having these outbursts in front of the children.

If he had a broken leg or cancer... would you leave him?

Self-medicating with alcohol is the number one crutch distressed men use. Followed by the excitement of the new **y and adoring admiration of OW. It is acting out.

Good luck, BTDT and still in it. I know what you are going through, it is hard. Thank goodness he is admitting he needs help, my H agreed that he ticked all the boxes for depression, 'but didn't think he had it'. His problem was the dreadful troll he was married to. Even though if I vanished in a puff of dust so that he didn't have to a) go through a divorce, b) pay me any money I wasn't worth, wouldn't solve his problem either.

Living with a depressed self-absorbed person is hell on earth.

PS he finally admitted that the answers lay in him, and is now having medical and psychological help. But our relationship has been very hurt by his breakdown. Which, like yours, involved new job, new country ... !

beware of projections op. your situation is your own. including my post of course.

How hard for you all and a shitty time to be going through this stuff.

When I was 13 my beloved grandad died suddenly from cancer, my dad did not grieve at the time and chose to carry on regardless, all was fine for 6months or so and then he started to grieve and drink, he continued to drink, excessively and eventually the only description for him was an alcoholic. He the plummeted into depression (that will be the Gin!) and onto a complete mental breakdown, he literally sat in his chair and rocked.

My mum stood by him, it was a tough, tough time and went on for almost 2 years when mum eventually had enough, took him to the local mental health hospital and left him there, only for an hour and then went back and gave him a choice. He could stay there and she would divorce him or he came home and got help, proper help and we could remain a family.

He chose the latter and my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary last year. My dad has not touched a single drop of alcohol in 25years and is the most amazing father and grandfather.

I honestly believe my mum did that for him and us.

It was tough, really really tough to have that all going on around us but I am so very grateful for the dad I have today.

My dad WANTED to get better, that is the key I believe, that and lots of support.

Only you can decide if you think your DH will keep to his word and get help, even if he does the drink really takes a hold and it will take a lot of work on his part to free himself of it's grasp, only then can he truly tackle the depression.

In my opinion anyway..

Good luck to you all...

Sorry, have just realised I have written war and peace!

I don't think this is a MH issue. I think he is using his MH as an excuse and to distract the OP from his verbal abuse and his ongoing selfish behaviour re drinking and finances.

Hi OP, I am a mental health nurse, so I can hopefully give you some insight into a 'breakdown'. Please, don't confuse being depressed with a breakdown. The patients I work with, who suffer breakdowns, are unable to identify that they are having a breakdown, let alone be able to plan an appointment, a bus ride, whatever. So, my first question is: is he using the term 'breakdown' or has he actually been diagnosed as suffering from one, by a health professional? Second question: Is he medicated, if so, with what? Third question: Is he under the care of a Psych team, or his GP, with previous mental health disorders?

Many people will say they are having a 'breakdown'. But the term is used far too widely and easily; often those who do have them are in a place where they are too distressed to even remember their names - let alone phone people up telling them they're having one.

If you can answer my questions, I really hope I can help. X

"there were little things i've put up with for years, spending beyond his means leading to years of debt, general miserable demeanor, " and the drinking - and th girlsfriend (or not) plus swearing at you...

so this is not a perfect husband who has suddenly had a "breakdown" is it?

let him get the support he needs away from you.

you ahve dc to take care of.
you can support wihtout having to put up wth abusive beahviour.

get some counselling yourself - you might find by talking and analysing your relationship with him there re far more negatives and frankly you dont have to support in sickness and in health just because.

not when the sickness part is so damaging.

"I think he may do something stupid if I say i don't want to come back?"
no no - if he wants to kill himself he will anyway regardless of you being tehre or not.
you saying - your are ill get help elsewhere - well why should that make him kill himself?
not when he has paraded a girlfriend in front of you, the alcohol, shouting swearing at you...

if he is out of contorl he needs help.
if he knows what he doing and using "depression" as an excuse well you dont ahve to live with it 24/7.

sending him elsewhere to get better and get help is an option .

"DD (14) doesn't want anything to do with him after she witnessed his effing and blinding at me when we left."

maybe you should listen to and discuss with your dc.
making them live with dad when he like this to "support" him is going oo far i think.

if he is sick - well he needs help. and he can get that wihtout living at home and causing tension.

his mental health is his issue to sort out and he might do it better with you supporting from a distance.

have him back and he can do what he likes and dc will suffer

who comes first in this?

dc have little choice

Things were looking pretty bad before his 'breakdown':
You both work but he leaves all housework to you,
He has very little to do with his own children
His heavy drinking
His financial irresponsibility
Grumpiness/unpleasant to be around

Claiming to have a breakdown to cover his very bad behaviour (in his case verbal abuse and infidelity) is the oldest trick in the book.

Look, he might genuinely be having a breakdown, but I would advise you to not move back in with him. He needs to sort out all the old stuff as well as the 'crisis' stuff before you'd put yourself or your children back in that environment.

Ive had a breakdown.

Mental illness of any kind is a selfish illness, because when you are depressed you only think about how you are feeling, how bad things are for you, you cannot actually see anything else it's impossible.

He probably needs new medication becuase if he has been taking the same pills long term they would now be useless.

Its a hard long slog to get out of depression and took me over three years, I isolated myself stayed in the house, no friends, no social life nothing, only venturing out to walk the dog, bathing once a week. Sleeping a lot.

YOu have to be strong to be able to carry a depressed person.

Maybe you should stand by him but not allow him to use you as a crutch, he has to be able to stand alone and to do that he has to help himself, it is not easy because depression is like drowning.

another thought - if some doc gave him ad's 9 years ago (can't remember exact figure you gave) and has never in all that time referred him for counselling, reviewed how things are going, referred him on to any other service then...? it's never been treated in my opinion.

there are docs out there who just write a prescription and re-sign it every six months without any real review.

he may have been being given pills for something for years without any addressing of what the actual issue is. yes pills bottom out on you as fabby says, no he might never have been on the right pill/dose anyway, he might be one of the very high percentage of people for whom ad's are actually ineffective anyway etc etc etc.

before everyone just judges him as a shit do bear in mind this man may have been ill for a long time. i dont recommend you live with him whilst he sorts himself out, i don't recommend you be the primary support in his life but do try and see that he does get some support and help.

i'm finding some people on here utterly merciless.

there's no such thing as a 'breakdown' in the book but very many people have had what they would describe as one anyway. the other thing is that breakdown/breakthrough can be one in the same if a problem has been swept under the carpet and just survived and dragged along for years and years. who knows?

hope meeting with him went well and hope you've managed to find a family member or friend who's willing to drive him to those first appointments.

maybe wait to see what his diagnosis is before deciding anything. but you simply cant have someone in the house who is swearing snarling etc, whatever the reason. (unles this behaviour is acceptable to you generally)

when there are dc in the mix it is not as simple as saying "support him"

DC come first.

they need someone to support them. i do regret the times i was with now exP in hospital or holding his hands when he cried - eg on one occasion sending dd off with babysitter to mcdonalds on her birthday... because in the long run it made absolutely no difference to his recovery (or lack thereof) . put the dc first - so long as your h is safe and in hosp or with other people, or home alone but not in danger, focus on DC.

he is an adult and can seek support from profressionals tho maybe needs a push to do so. indeed profressionals will only give him help if he asks for it... (unless he so bad is sectioned)

but anyway there seems to be consensus suggesting you dont have to live with him in order to be supportive .

but do seek support for yourself too, counsellor thru gp to sound off to etc and keep an eye on how dc reacting .

You are having a tough time. He needs to want to sort things out and get better so badly that he actually does difficult things (eg giving up alcohol if that's what's required). You have to take care of yourself and DC. He is an adult (even if he doesn't always behave like one) and you are NOT responsible for any of his behaviour. He is. For everything he says and everything he does. Good luck.

Hi, my DH has depression and had a breakdown and we had a terrible two years + until he admitted to himself that he needed to get help and I couldn't help him all by myself. He used to 'hide' behind me and refuse to go anywhere and couln't deal with the most trivial of things. He would sat nasty things to me one minute then be crying he didn't mean it and couldn't live without me the next.
The first major step is him admitting there is a problem and seeking help. He is now on paroxitine as his depression is caused by a chemical imbalance (as per the GP) as we had a steady home life, no financial or work worries. Life is now back on an even keel and I can usually tell within 24 hours if he hasn't taken his meds.