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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

his christmas party kiss - not with me

61 replies

cutaway · 19/12/2011 20:05

Been going out 6 months, no issues, all good, he's been an attentive, flower-sending, surprise weekend arranging type. I have met all his friends and colleagues.

His work Christmas party on Saturday, end of the evening went to find him in the next room, where he was kissing an ex colleague. On the lips. In front of everybody.

He says it meant nothing, he was drunk, he's really sorry, he was an idiot, he can be trusted really.

Earlier that evening we'd had our first disagreement over something else, he'd felt harshly judged I think, and we'd not talked much at the party.

Am tempted to use it as way to agree what's acceptable. If it's been good to date, would you give him the benefit of the doubt? Or am I walking into a disaster?

OP posts:

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 19/12/2011 20:10

don't give him the benefit of the doubt!!

Having an argument is not a good reason for snogging the ex. Nor is alcohol.

He may very well be a nice guy but he's clearly got ex-ishews

FabbyChic · 19/12/2011 20:11

What else is he going to use the drunk excuse on?

It does not excuse his behaviour, he was out with you embarassed you in front of work colleagues, made you look a twat.

If he does that in public what is he capable of drunk in private.

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 20:12

Oh god I don't know. I lived with someone who was always unfaithful. It doesn't bode well, OP. You were actually there - if he fancied a snog he could've kissed you. He didn't.

Just realised you had your first disagreement earlier that evening. I would take it then that he didn't care whether you saw him.

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 20:13

Migrating - the woman was an ex colleague, not an ex girlfriend.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 19/12/2011 20:13

sorry...just read the phrase 'ex-colleague' rather than 'ex-girlfriend'

That actually makes it worse. more calculating in some ways.

Original poster

cutaway · 19/12/2011 20:21

Yes, ex colleague. Question is, if he's the sort who until now has been reliable, interested, and often tells me he loves me, does he deserve a chance to prove he's repentant? I want to give him a chance, I really do, just don't want to give him a green light to treat me with this level of disrespect and insensitivity again.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 19/12/2011 20:24

Does he go out a lot on his own with friends and get drunk? How many other women may he have kissed? I mean he wasn't hiding it was he!

ISayHolmes · 19/12/2011 20:26

"he was kissing an ex colleague. On the lips. In front of everybody."

I'd keep rereading this bit, OP. This is shitty, shitty behaviour. After your one and only disagreement. I know it must be horrible to have this happen and you're weighing up all of the good against this one incident, but it's probably a harbinger of what's too come. And it aint good.

I've been there and I gave them another chance- it was still early days, everyone makes mistakes, why throw away all the good because of this one act etc etc. And they did it again. It was absolutely awful and I felt like such a fool and it took months of my life away where I could have been moving on and finding better.

It sounds like he was angry and decided to go ahead with this deliberately, alcohol or no alcohol. So he probably decided to do it, flirted with her and then kissed her. Knowing you were about.

LemonDifficult · 19/12/2011 20:27

You are walking straight into Low Self Esteem.

Based on what you've given us here there's not much to recommend him. Humiliating you like that at a party? No,no, no.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 19/12/2011 20:28

Is he always lovely when things are going his way?

Was he punishing you?

Is he controlling in other ways?

schobe · 19/12/2011 20:29

God no.

Reasons:

you've only been seeing him 6 months (don't really know him, should still be in honeymoon stage, slightly less painful to make the break)
you now know a little more about him, ie he cheats
you were IN THE NEXT ROOM and it didn't stop him
he didn't care if you were humiliated in front of all his colleagues (even if you didn't find out, they still feel sorry for you)
he's an arse
just don't
please

karmathreefold · 19/12/2011 20:30

Being drunk means nothing.

Drink can lower your inhibitions, but the intent/desire is there, so he must have wanted to kiss the ex colleague.

If drink was an excuse ever then men would be snogging their male mates all the time, or eating their poop; as most men don't eat their own shit, or snog other males, then kissing another woman is only ever because the man wants to f*ck her

Original poster

cutaway · 19/12/2011 20:35

No he wasn't hiding it.

I agree being drunk's no excuse at all, and it's not something small. I mean I don't ever kiss my mates, or colleagues, on the lips. Even when I'm single. Its a really intimate thing to do, right? And he knows that. He know it's upset me.

But are there any circumstances under which you'd carry on? What would you want him to do/say?

OP posts:

GreyTS · 19/12/2011 20:38

I would be very wary of a man who did something like this so early in a relationship. You have only been together 6 months, is this not the time that he is supposed to be mad about you? So why kiss another woman, when you were there, in front of everyone? This is how bad relationships start, can you imagine what you will be posting on here in another 6 months, what other ways will he find to humiliate and hurt you? Run like the wind.

schobe · 19/12/2011 20:39

No I'm sorry. Not after 6 months together.

I can sense this is not what you want to hear!

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 19/12/2011 20:39

You really want to keep the relationship, don't you!

I would expect him to be nothing less than beside himself with remorse and prepared to absolutely anything to make it up to you. Even if that means taking a break from the relationship in order to rebuild trust.

Alarm bells (from experience) would be ringing big time if he was making any sort of excuses for his behaviour at all

GreyTS · 19/12/2011 20:43

OK just consulted DH on this and he reckons that if he is happy to snog someone so openly he will be doing worse in private. Please stop trying to convince yourself that this is all you deserve.

Original poster

cutaway · 19/12/2011 20:43

I suspect he was punishing me, yes Migrating. Very immature. But out of keeping. Normally he's pretty emotionally together and stable, not immature normally. Not controlling. That's the reason I'm even considering giving him another chance.

I don't actually think he's been unfaithful. Is there anyway to go on, without being a total doormat?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 19/12/2011 20:44

What kind of kiss was it?

Was it a peck or a full on snog or something in between?

schobe · 19/12/2011 20:45

Again, no. Would saying it in some other way help?

Sorry, I'm not trying to be unsympathetic but I'm getting the feeling you will give him that 2nd chance anyway.

ISayHolmes · 19/12/2011 20:46

Even if he says and does all of the right things it's still no guarantee that it won't just happen again. He might be truly sorry but still do it again. The two aren't mutually exclusive, which makes it all the harder when you get taken for a fool after working through the infidelity, the issues and have built the trust back up. Then bam, another "incident" that wrecks it all.

I think this is something that has to be learned from experience. It's terribly hurtful.

Cat98 · 19/12/2011 20:47

Honestly? I probably would give him one more chance. But he'd have to be totally remorseful. And i'd make it clear that any similar shenanigans would mean it was instantly over.

But then, i don't really agree that drink 'only' lowers inhibitions. I can honestly say there have been times when i've been really drunk and i have done things that i can guarantee i would never do when in my right mind. When i am drunk, i am not me. That's why i have given up drinking, though it took a good few years to see the light!
Understand i'm not saying what he did wasn't wrong. And i do think the humilation factor of you being there makes it worse. Just that if it is wholly out of character i'd forgive, but not forget - yet. Let him prove that it was a hideous mistake!

Anonymousbosh · 19/12/2011 20:48

Cutaway, normally he isn't like this, but you have been together only 6months... Which ime is still best behaviour time...perhaps you are just starting to see the real him??

Original poster

cutaway · 19/12/2011 20:48

Not a full on snog. No tongues. But not a peck. In between.

Oh dear schobe, you're right. Not what I want to hear.

OP posts:

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 19/12/2011 21:00

What's he saying about what happened?

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