his christmas party kiss - not with me

[cutaway]

Been going out 6 months, no issues, all good, he's been an attentive, flower-sending, surprise weekend arranging type. I have met all his friends and colleagues.

His work Christmas party on Saturday, end of the evening went to find him in the next room, where he was kissing an ex colleague. On the lips. In front of everybody.

He says it meant nothing, he was drunk, he's really sorry, he was an idiot, he can be trusted really.

Earlier that evening we'd had our first disagreement over something else, he'd felt harshly judged I think, and we'd not talked much at the party.

Am tempted to use it as way to agree what's acceptable. If it's been good to date, would you give him the benefit of the doubt? Or am I walking into a disaster?

OP your situation reminds me of two friends a few years ago. They are both absolutely lovely people, and when they got together I had really high hopes that it would be a fantastically happy outcome for them. And at first it did seem as if they were wandering off hand in hand into the sunset but a few months in he was invited to a party that she didn't go to and he ended up snogging another girl in full view of the rest of the party. I think everyone was shocked and they broke up quite quickly.

It's one of the few times I've been on the receiving end of both sides of the story in such detail and I think it's fair to say that he shocked himself as well as everyone else but he knew straightaway it meant that he wasn't committed to the relationship and needed to break up.

The moral of this rambling tale? Well, very simply that when men who are basically good blokes behave in a shitty way, it probably means that the relationship isn't what they really want or feels comfortable in. This doesn't excuse the behaviour - far from it - you should be able to expect better from the good guys. But I think it is very possible that your guy is also a genuinely decent man, just one who is not worth pursuing the relationship with, because however good it has been in some ways, it's not been enough to stop him letting himself and you down badly.

Hawthorn - interesting. He very quickly made plans around me when we first met, rearranged some major things to give us time together, and ultimately turned down a job to stay nearby. He has talked about what he'd like to do together pretty far in the future. He is the one who has been talking far ahead, not me. I'm more in the moment, and happy to just see where it goes. I wonder if he thinks I'm not as into it as he is. Perhaps why he's not comfortable. I definitely think he's acting something out. It wan't a random act. Not sure why he'd push me away. Will ask about all this in a couple of hours.

What happened at lunchtime op?

He drove over. Spent 2 hours talking about nothing else. His story in a nutshell: He had been frustrated we hadn't talked much at the party, and not resolved the earlier disagreement. He'd been drunk. He kissed this girl, but doesn't fancy her, nothing in it. Never done anything like that before. Feels like an idiot, knows it was wrong. Doesn't want to lose me, I'm the best thing that's happened to him. Not him searching for a way out of relationship.

Main worry now for me is that he has no insight into why it happened. He has spent time pondering it, went for long walk the next morning to figure it out. But still no clue. Seems clear enough to me - it was frustration at me, he knew I was nearby, did it for effect. But he says no idea why it happened.

I say, then how do you know it won't happen again? Plus of course - I would never do that to him. Cannot imagine kissing someone else whilst in relationship.

We left it that we'd meet again tomorrow or Thursday at latest to talk again.

No extra advice from me. I just wanted to pass on good vibes and to also say take it very slowly. (that's advice, isn't it!)

The fact that my first husband punished me by having an affair (he wanted me to hate him as much as he hated himself ) was a deal breaker for me. But then he was a controlling jerk who was slowly trying to dominate my thinking.

This is somewhat different as it was 'just a kiss' but do tread with caution.

When I read your OP and the initial responses, I assumed you meant that your DP had actually "got off" with another woman in your presence. In which case, you would have been perfectly justified in never seeing him again.

But it was a drunken Christmas peck-on-the-cheek-went-a-bit-wrong-and-slobbery. If your relationship is good, then I would not end it on this basis and think a lot of the responses you have had have been way OTT.

What try harder said. Although his scary lack of self awareness would put me off but that probably puts him in same group as 80% of people.

Thanks to all who have followed up.

Today I feel quite sorry for him. He looked miserable. And I do think he's genuinely remoseful and properly worried I'll dump him.

But I do feel different about him at the minute and am taking it slower now. Agree re scary lack of awareness. But again do think he really has no insight, and is not covering up some big deal.

We have a holiday booked in a week's time. First instinct was to cancel. Started looking at alternatives to do on my own. But now think might be useful time to talk more, and let him prove he appreciates me.

If he has no insight then that doesn't really bode well.

However, hope you have a lovely holiday and that all's well etc

Think am more sympathetic towards him now!