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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

his christmas party kiss - not with me

61 replies

cutaway · 19/12/2011 20:05

Been going out 6 months, no issues, all good, he's been an attentive, flower-sending, surprise weekend arranging type. I have met all his friends and colleagues.

His work Christmas party on Saturday, end of the evening went to find him in the next room, where he was kissing an ex colleague. On the lips. In front of everybody.

He says it meant nothing, he was drunk, he's really sorry, he was an idiot, he can be trusted really.

Earlier that evening we'd had our first disagreement over something else, he'd felt harshly judged I think, and we'd not talked much at the party.

Am tempted to use it as way to agree what's acceptable. If it's been good to date, would you give him the benefit of the doubt? Or am I walking into a disaster?

OP posts:
TerrysNo2 · 19/12/2011 21:03

Of course people make mistakes and deserve second chances (generally in life I believe this, not just re infidelity), but can you forget about it and move on? I don't think I could and I wouldn't be able to trust him (for a v long time) which I actually think is the most important thing in a relationship.

Perhaps you could think about which of the following would be worse:

  • breaking things off, would you always wonder what if?
  • staying with him and he does it again, how would that feel?

Is he worth investing your time and love for the risk of the second option?

Good luck - you obviously want this relationship to work so I hope you can make the right decision for you.

KarenMillenCoat · 19/12/2011 21:16

Sorry love, I know this isn't what you want to hear but I wouldn't go any further with this man.

I've been in a relationship where the trust was broken early on and I gave him another chance as I felt very much like you do now and nearly destroyed myself over it.

The constant doubting him, feeling rubbish about yourself, overanalysing his every relationship with another female, feeling as though you have to "keep an eye" on him at social gatherings, worrying yourself silly when he goes out with his friends...

My self confidence was on the floor before long and I no longer felt like "me". It's just not worth it. He may have made one stupid mistake but he has set the tone of the relationship now. How could you ever hold him in the same esteem you did before this?

He's ruined things. Walk away with your head held high and find someone who will be so head over heels in love with you they wouldn't dream of treating you like this. I did! Grin

CitizenOscar · 19/12/2011 21:32

I think your decision might also be affected by other factors: your gut feeling about him, your general levels of self-esteem, your relationship history (do you have a habit of trusting blokes who let you down?), his relationship history (has he been unfaithful to past girlfriends) etc.

In some relationships, at some points in my life, I would have given him a second chance. Sometimes that would have been the right thing to do, sometimes it wouldn't.

Fwiw my now DH forgave me for doing something similar (completely different situation but a similar level of misbehaviour) after we'd been together a few months. I've never done anything like it again, and it made me realise how much I didn't want to lose him.

I guess I'd say, don't rush your decision, take into account all the factors, and listen to your gut. If you do give him another chance, make sure you are robust enough in your mental health to cope if that proves to be the wrong decision - is it a risk you can afford to take?

Hope it works out for you.

Original poster
cutaway · 19/12/2011 22:07

citizenOscar, what did your dh say/do at the time? How did you regain his trust?

I have just been in touch with a mutual friend (she knows all of us separately) who has told he dp said in the past he's blown away by me and very happy. She know the ex colleague and says she isn't after him.

Haven't had a chance to see him face to face since night of party. Just spoke to him and I said wanted to talk properly next time we meet. But that's coming from me, not him. I think he'd quite like me to draw a line under it.

He just said he knows what he did was totally wrong. But still no proper explanation. I think that's what I need now. If I just had a reason why, I'd know how likely or not it was to happen again.

OP posts:
ageperfect · 19/12/2011 22:17

please,read your own post-answer is there....good luck...

CitizenOscar · 19/12/2011 22:37

Cutaway - he was v v pissed off & demanded I come round immediately to talk it through (I told him what had happened, he wasn't there but lots of other people did see).

I just apologised a lot, explained the context which I can't really go into without getting v personal, but there were some extenuating factors - they didn't excuse what I did but they explained why it was a one-off and not a reflection of how I felt about our relationship.

(Now)DH took a leap of faith and (so far!) has not regretted it. But he did so based on a knowledge of me, my history, my character and our relationship, and he considered it a risk worth taking. I never ever gave him reason to doubt me after that.

I'm not saying you should do one thing or the other, just offering an alternative perspective. Noone on MN knows as much about your situation as you do. We can only try to give you the benefit of our own experiences.

PattySimcox · 19/12/2011 22:45

Hmm DH and I are quite tactile with friends in terms of kissing / hugging hello / goodbye.

In our case it is purely affection, not intimate or sexual, whereas I'm not sure that from your description that this kiss you describe was innocent.

You do seem very keen to maintain this relationship in spite of the warnings that others are giving you.

Original poster
cutaway · 19/12/2011 22:46

Thanks Citizen. He just offered to come and meet me during my lunch break tomorrow - quite a long drive for him. I said that would be a good idea. Frankly think it's the least he can do. I need to see what he has to say, and how he says it.

OP posts:
Smum99 · 19/12/2011 22:47

This guy has revealed his true self - you can choose to ignore it and I can understand why you feel like that (as the relationship felt like it had a future) but he is not the person you think he is. Actions truly speak louder than words and his actions are not of someone "blown away by you." I remember being with my ex in the early stages and there was an incident that I should have taken seriously but didn't as he seemingly adored me..guess what it didn't change but I wasted many years having that confirmed. Conversely..I can't imagine my DH doing something similar.

It would be easier to forgive and hopefully forget but imagine if the roles were reversed..What would it take for you to kiss another man on a night out with him? You're not at fault here..he has a different view of relationships and loyalty to you - you maybe compatible in other areas but you dont share similar values.

BayPolar · 19/12/2011 23:46

Deal breaker. History if it was my guy. Pratt.

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 23:51

I wouldn't be with someone like this, OP. I've been thinking about it this evening. It's no coincidence that he kissed another woman after your first disagreement.

I think it's when times are bad (disagreements etc) that you see what someone's truly like. That's when people show their character. He's not just shown you that he will publicly humiliate and embarrass you if you and he disagree, but that he will want to ignore it happened and expect you to do the same.

Nah - I would have gone right off him. And btw you say this is out of character, but you are still in the process of learning about his character. This IS his character.

Heleninahandcart · 20/12/2011 00:50

I was initially going to ask if it was a full on snog or a too long kiss on the lips and have come to the conclusion it doesn't really matter as

he did it in front of work colleagues
he did it without caring whether you saw it
he did it after your earlier argument

So you were humiliated and sent a message about what happens if you disagree with him Hmm. Alarm bells on this as much as the kissing itself.

AlfalfaMum · 20/12/2011 00:55

I would be dumping his arse ASAP.

AKissIsNotAContract · 20/12/2011 01:05

I agree with imperialblether. It's no coincidence that this happened shortly after your first row. Now you'll be worried about the next row. Soon you'll be treading on eggshells, afraid to disagree in case he does something like this again.

troisgarcons · 20/12/2011 05:49

Define "kissing" - was it a full on tongues down the throat job, or]f lip-to-lip no tongues involved? because there are very different sorts of kisses.

WinkyWinkola · 20/12/2011 06:36

The trust is gone. You will always be wondering when he's out and you're having a hiccup in your relationship.

He has messed up big time.

I think if you were to stay with him, he won't change so expect misery.

LoveInASnowyClimate · 20/12/2011 07:02

I know it's easier to say than do, if you love him, but I think you need to break up with him. 6 months in, you should still be in the honeymoon phase, not kissing other people. It will only get worse.

BayPolar · 20/12/2011 08:34

Karen. Wow. You said it so well. I am loved by the man who did this to me, but all of what he created through his stupid slip-up with a skank, stays with me, despite his sweet and loving words and promises, I just can never relax. Even thousands of miles between us today, I was cycling home and imagining our new future, thinking about how I will talk to anybody, merely to learn stories from others - I am a person who travels a lot and who will soon be free to travel forever at the age of 43 - and i thought to myself today, since he cheated on our special love, he can never be on that pedestal again, and it brings me down, it brings who I am down, and in our future, if we travel the world together, I won't be able to relax, because I want to talk to everybody, and I feel he is a man who will talk to all men, but only have time for hot women, even though he is a good man, but arghh, he is such a fucking idiot for fcking up what was our great love, just because I wasn't there and she was a cheap whore - my friend actually - a pox on her for all this heartache..so now here I am, on the cusp of total freedom, about to go and see him again, to start over, but I don't think I can, I feel that he broke the spell of true love. It sucks. Some men don't deserve amazing women. They should stick to the cheap skanks.

Dozer · 20/12/2011 08:40

It is easy to be nice, say nice things, send flowers etc. in first six months. Agree with those who say is telling that this incident happened after your first disagreement. I think it's a sign he's a cheater, and would probably cheat again, eg if you had problems in future, if fatherhood was stressful, you weren't being nice to him (in his eyes) or whatever.

Would he have confessed if you hadn't seen him?

Has he cheated in previous relationships?

Is he flirty with women?

I wouldn't chance it tbh.

Erniesmum · 20/12/2011 09:31

It was A KISS! He didn't sleep with anyone, he didn't hit anyone, he got a bit pissed and had a snog. Sometimes I despair... Life is life, stuff happens. If you love someone you love someone and you just get on with it. Sorry but in my view it is just not that big a deal (and I've been married for 13 years to a man who loves me and who I love). In the end you will do what you feel is right but whatever you do don't give up on him just because that's what you think others expect you to do. If you believe that it wasn't a big deal, that he wants to be with you, then go with your instinct.

WinkyWinkola · 20/12/2011 09:39

Erniesmum, you'd be cool with your other half kissing a woman on the mouth in front if everyone?

Original poster
cutaway · 20/12/2011 09:43

I slept really badly last night. Just wondering what he'll say, but knowing that I need to tell him what I want. It was him who said actions speak louder than words and he was going to show me that he could be trusted. But honestly I have not felt overwhelmed by a tsunami of reassurance since then. Meeting at lunchtime to talk. Update after.

Thanks everyone for your advice. My closest real life friends are all abroad on family Christmas holidays, wouldn't you know it. I appreciate your advice.

Troisgarcons no tongues. Slightly parted lips - looked tender iykwim. Not a peck for a maiden aunt. But not a grope.

OP posts:
MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 20/12/2011 09:46

good luck cut Smile

TheSecondComing · 20/12/2011 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Erniesmum · 20/12/2011 10:37

I'm not saying I would relish it but I think everything has to be seen in context. Something very similar happened to me as happened to the OP - after me and DH had been together about 6 months he kissed an old friend of his at a party. He had always fancied her but she hadn't been interested and then hey presto when she knew he was getting serious with me she tried it on. He was sorry about it and felt a twit but if anything it made me understand how strongly he felt about me as he walked away from it and nothing happened apart from the kiss. I don't think it's that uncommon for things like this to happen in the early stages of what turns out to be a really serious relationship - there can be a sense of panic that you are finally surrendering to being with someone and that can cause some strange behaviour. If you've always been an independent person and happy to be on your own then truly deeply loving someone is a disconcerting feeling at first. I suppose the point I was trying to make was that I think a lot of people would be happier if they stopped thinking quite so much in absolutes. We are all human and we all make mistakes occasionally but it does not stop you being a good person who is capable of commitment and fidelity. In the end the OP will have a feeling about whether it is right to go on or not - and she should go with that feeling.

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