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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please give me your honest advice

66 replies

whatdoido78 · 18/12/2011 22:34

I need advice because I have noone to talk to and not sure how to get through this. I am in a long term relationship but over the last month have been having the most amazing sex of my life with another man. I am happy in my relationship but just cannot end it with the other guy. There is no future with the other guy, he is married with children. Therefore, this is only sex but I feel I am addicted and cannot give it up. I know I have to end it if I want to save my relationship but it is just so hard. The thought of cutting contact completely is killing me, although I fear I have to do this. Has anyone been through similar? How did you get through it? How can I forget what we have and focus on my relationship? Help!

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 18/12/2011 22:36

He's married. That should be enough to tell you what you have to do.

MardyPants · 18/12/2011 23:17

Put your knickers back on and get your greasy mauling paws off someone else's husband.

Disgusting.

WorraLiberty · 18/12/2011 23:20

I think you're being greedy.

You saw 'forbidden' sex on offer and took it.

Of course you can give it up but it will require you to stop being so selfish and thinking of yourself only.

If you're that 'happy' in your own relationship, work on it and work on the sexual side.

If you don't, you may well lose both your man and your bit on the side anyway when you get found out.

jasper · 18/12/2011 23:47

you KNOW what you have to do.
The longer you leave it the harder it will be.
Good luck in doing the right thing

MarinaAzul · 18/12/2011 23:50

Stop.

passionsrunhigh · 19/12/2011 00:08

Do you have children?

Lovingfreedom · 19/12/2011 00:15

I wish you would stop this. You are risking and ruining both your relationship and his relationship. It might feel good now but how will it feel in the cold light of day when you are explaining to your partner and his wife what you were up to? Most people regret having affairs - they don't usually think long term that it was worth it even if the sex was mind-blowing at the time.

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 19/12/2011 00:23

Do you have any feelings for this guy ? If you are cheating on your husband for just sex, you need to end this as soon as you can.

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 19/12/2011 00:36

Just grow up.

strictlycomedancingdiva · 19/12/2011 00:46

End both relationships and learn about respect and feelings.

If you respected your partner and his feelings you wouldn't be getting your kicks elsewhere.

And you should have respect for the wife of the man you are cheating with.

Your partner deserves better and so does your lover's wife.

izzywhizzysmincepies · 19/12/2011 00:49

How can I forget what we have

What you have is a furtive shag now and again after which you go home to your dp and he goes home to his wife.

What you have in common is that you are a pair of cheating liars.

What you have with another woman's husband is considerably less than memorable and, if I were you, I'd be praying for amnesia so that I could look my dp in the eye again.

Do yourself and everyone who is currently unknowingly afflicted by your lack of personal integrity a favour; get yourself a rampant rabbit for solo relief and stay away from married or otherwise attached men.

BTW, you obviously don't give a toss about your dp's feelings - do him an extra favour and end your insincere dalliance with him before he finds out that he's been dipping his wick into another man's leavings.

BayPolar · 19/12/2011 03:14

Disgraceful.

aurynne · 19/12/2011 03:19

"I need advice because I have noone to talk to and not sure how to get through this." ---> Funny that, I am much more worried about how the poor wife and children of the man you're shagging are going to get through this. Actually, I could honestly not give a fuck about what happens to you.

yellowraincoat · 19/12/2011 03:20

Leave both of them. It's the only thing to be done in this situation.

Be on your own for a bit and figure out who you are, cause this situation will only cause pain and hurt.

MarinaAzul · 19/12/2011 10:07

Silly (stupid) OP looking for sympathy here.
Imagine the scenario when you're caught in the act by one of his kids (or yours), think how stupid and embarrarasring you would both look, having your 'amazing, forbidden(whatever) sex and a poor hapless child catches you. You would both look sad and pathetic ! Arkwarding trying to pull your knickers back on, etc. Honestly, it's the way we see you and him from this angle. At the moment it's all glamour and excitement. But to the observer it's just plain sordid. Cop on to the reality of your sad situation.
Hope you take the advice offered here tho,.I
Where are you OP? At least let us know how you are going to proceed.

PieCherry · 19/12/2011 10:19

Why did you get in to it in the 1st place, it can't have been just for sex as you hadn't had sex before you had sex if you see what I mean?

I don't see how you can be happy in your relationship if you went out & shagged another man?

End it & buy a vibrator.

lazarusinNazareth · 19/12/2011 10:27

Trust me - in the cold light of day even the most exciting affair is really just a sordid, dirty chance to get laid.
They are not fulfilling or life affirming.
They not only tear apart your life but of everybody else involved. The innocent partners, the children, the extended families who have to pick up the pieces, the friends who have to rally round...this goes far beyond the two of you.

As for your self-esteem, this is a great way to kick it in the teeth long term.
You know what you need to do. Do it.

bridgingtheabyss · 19/12/2011 10:32

Firstly, don't post on here about things like this, as you can see people aren't very sympathetic (obviously many Mumsnetters have not heard the phrase 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone').

Instead Google 'ivillage Ending Affair Support' and go on the messageboards on there, people are much more understanding.

Secondly, you know deep down what you have to do. Nothing good can ever come out of this situation. The positive feeling you are experiencing is the addictive rush of sex with a new person, you are simply drunk on your own hormones. It will be hard to give up. But the alternative is somebody eventually getting very hurt. Even if your DP and your affair partner's wife don't find out if this affair continues you and possibly your AP will get attached and ending it will be horribly painful. If they do find out...

Be your own best friend and end it today.

Then get some relationship counselling, either alone or with your DP, and try to work out whether or not you can fix your legitimate relationship.

tigermoll · 19/12/2011 10:34

Well, OP, you're going to get it with both barrels!

As for 'how to end it and stay away', how's about bearing in mind that:

a) Your affair isn't special and complicated, it's very, very mundane and tacky.
b) You are cheating on your H.
c) You are facilitating another woman getting cheated on.
d) Your shag-partner is a nasty, cheap, cheating lying scumbag. You aren't special to him and nor is what you have, - I bet this isn't the first time he has cheated on his wife and it won't be the last. You are simply the most recent in a string of silly women who he has had furtive, selfish sex with behind his partner's back. Bet he feels pretty smug about himself right now.

MarinaAzul · 19/12/2011 10:36

The pain, after an affair, lasts much longer than the momentary excitment an affair brings . So end it now and cut short your sentence.
(still hurting after 20 months)

worldgonecrazy · 19/12/2011 10:49

bridgingtheabyss gives some good advice. To be honest, you're not going to get a lot of sympathy on this particular forum - did you know that before you posted? Do you want people to give you a hard time because you feel you deserve it?

Lots of people have affairs - statistics (which I suspect are on the light side) suggest that around 1 in 5 married women and 1 in 4 married men will have an affair at some point in their marriage. Whenever I see nastiness in debates about fidelity I always hold those numbers in my head and wonder how many of those posting have either been unfaithful, or unwittingly have husbands "dipping their wick" elsewhere.

There is an excitement to having sex with a new person - that is all that you are experiencing here. You know you need to end it. You also need to look at the reasons why you have felt the need to go looking for that excitement. What can you do to make your marriage better so that you don't need to look elsewhere for your kicks, unless that's what both of you are happy doing (i.e. an open relationship). Are you suffering from esteem issues and is that why you are looking for ego-stroking from another man who you know is only using you for sex?

Until you know the true root of the problem, then you won't be able to fix your marriage, or even know if you want to.

Original poster
whatdoido78 · 19/12/2011 18:21

Whoever asked where is OP, I am here. I came here hoping somebody had experienced similar and didn't want anyone's sympathy. I didn't go out looking for this to happen you know. And it could happen to any of you, when you least expect it. You can all say you'd be able to keep your knickers on or wouldn't look at anyone else but until you've experienced it you will not understand. It is addictive even though I know it is wrong.

OP posts:
BumgrapesofWrath · 19/12/2011 18:27

I'm not going to give you both barrels OP.

Illicit sex is always going to be addictive because of the added excitement factor.
What you have to do is be objective, and see this for what it is. You really are going to hurt yourself, and maybe hurt others. Be strong, delete his details and move on.

Then focus on getting the spark back with DH, if that's what you want to do.

MarinaAzul · 19/12/2011 18:39

There is a website called TOW (The Other Woman) with lots of support for women/men that knowlingly get involved in affairs , try them. They have all 'experienced similar'. It did not just happen ,believe me, you and MM made it happen.

HoudiniHissy · 19/12/2011 19:04

OK. So you asked.

I recently came into contact with a MM. OK so over the internet/twitter, so easier to control/resist but heady, intense and all consuming nonetheless. From the very beginning, he was in full on seduction mode and having had an abusive partner for 10 years, been on my own for a year, it hit me totally from left field and turned my world upside down.

I found out after an intense week that he was married. I went from literally no-one in my life at all to the most intense, sexy, funny constant companion.

The whole experience grabbed my life by the lapels and gave it a darn good shake. I had feelings I never expected to have again, that I was 'desired', 'wanted' 'needed', 'missed' and 'special'. I honestly felt that I was flying 1mjm above the ground, not so much that others would notive, but I was floating nonetheless. I was funny, I was invincible, I was 'all that'.

I was so tempted to give in and meet him, but once I knew he was married, I KNEW IT WAS WRONG. It ended for a week and I was bereft, I was utterly alone and actually in a worse position than i was the week or so before, because then I didn't know what I was missing. Now I'd ended it, I knew how bloody shit my pathetic excuse for an existence really is.

I know full well the addiction you are talking of, I know the ACHE, the chasm that is left by someone feeding you all that attention, and then not being there.

I took a break, it was excruciating. I am sad to say that I kind of went back, but on the premise that a conversation was OK, but that there were limits and boundaries that had to be respected.

Of course he didn't respect them, he pushed and pushed and pushed for contact, for meets and for sex. He threatened to end it, to vanish, unless I met him (a.k.a shag him) I wouldn't do it. I knew it was wrong. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. He cut off contact. I'm fine with that. It's easier when you know you are sticking to what you know is right.

My life really IS shit. I have been out 4 evenings this year, 3 of them for work dos/meetings. I have no friends around here, no chance of a cinema, a drink or a meal out. I'm not even exaggerating either.

My life, I reckon, IS a darn sight emptier than yours. My point being that if I can say no, why can't you? seriously?

YOU KNEW IT WAS WRONG, but you still met him, someone else's husband, father to children. You have still given yourself permission to shag him again and again and again. What on earth did you tell yourself to justify it to yourself? What bargain did you make with yourself to think that it was OK to actively and willingly participate in the betrayal and potential destruction of a family? Oh I had the, "it's my risk to take, my look out, don't worry about it. I know the score, you don't" comments. I had the "I'm in a sexless marriage" blarney...

So now you know, as you did all along, that what you are doing is the shittiest thing ever, what ARE you going to do about it?

I used this MM as a catalyst in my life, I am making changes elsewhere to improve my life and to find someone that is actually free to be with me.

So can you.

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