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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please give me your honest advice

66 replies

whatdoido78 · 18/12/2011 22:34

I need advice because I have noone to talk to and not sure how to get through this. I am in a long term relationship but over the last month have been having the most amazing sex of my life with another man. I am happy in my relationship but just cannot end it with the other guy. There is no future with the other guy, he is married with children. Therefore, this is only sex but I feel I am addicted and cannot give it up. I know I have to end it if I want to save my relationship but it is just so hard. The thought of cutting contact completely is killing me, although I fear I have to do this. Has anyone been through similar? How did you get through it? How can I forget what we have and focus on my relationship? Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoido78 · 19/12/2011 19:23

you don't justify it to yourself. that's the thing, you are totally and utterly overcome by it all and so for that moment only the two of you matter. this is why i know that many of you don't understand. You can harp on about how could i, bla bla bla but until you have been in this situation then you can not criticise. and if you have, and managed to walk away without doing anything then you are a much better person than me.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 19/12/2011 19:28

I never shagged anyone else's husband (unless XH had some outstanding marriage I never found out about, which I suppose is possible). Can I chuck stones please?

lazarusinNazareth · 19/12/2011 19:32

I have been in your situation (he was in a longish relationship but not married), I was in an abusive one.
The only time I felt safe and happy was when I was with him. I just gave you the advice I did because I still feel guilty 18 YEARS later and I wish I had walked away. The repercussions could have been much worse than they were (his gf never found out, my ex found out months after we had split).

Do yourself a favour, end it.

mumof4sons · 19/12/2011 19:39

As a woman who H had an affair and walked out on his family, I can say that your are nothing more than a common wh*. He and his slut destroyed a family and that is what you two are doing - destroying lives.

Strong, but true.

MarinaAzul · 19/12/2011 20:07

Well,well done Hound !
I wish I had been as strong as you when my ex MM came on to me.
But, my, have I learnt a lesson.

HoudiniHissy · 19/12/2011 20:10

Funny that. You could have stopped. You COULD have thought about what you were doing.

At every step of the way between first meeting and shagging him there were a MILLION opportunities for you to make a choice NOT to do this.

I couldn't give a shit about your MM, he's not here. He's at home playing happy families with his wife and children.

You had the looks, the chats, the thoughts. THEN you could have checked yourself.

There's the sitting next to other normal people, married people knowing that YOU are a woman contemplating shagging someone elses H. THEN you could have stopped it.

There is the meeting where it looks like the relationship is going to go further than it has done up until now. why did you go through with it? Why did you agree to meet. You could have said NO.

There are the touches, why did you allow/make them? You could have said NO.

Then the kiss... even the simple act of a kiss has millions of nano-seconds in which you can pull back. You could have said NO.

But no. Silly me, you were powerless to stop it. Clearly I must be wrong here, you must have slipped on a comedy bar of soap or a pesky banana skin and with laser guided precision, you managed to land on his dick? Xmas Hmm

So what IS your life that it is less than mine? I can play shitty existence all day long. I have more to gain than you, and nothing to lose. Except my dignity.

I call Bollocks on this thread. I smell Eau de Bullshit.

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 20:10

Whereabouts are you, Houdini? Lots of us single women out here who might live near you.

HoudiniHissy · 19/12/2011 20:18

Pretending you are real, and for the benefit of others that may be in this ridiculous situation and looking for guidance, I will say this:

I suggest you start thinking about your actions, deeds, thoughts and your responsibilities to yourself and to your self esteem. I think you should start looking at your life and seeing how much you can justify. I know that I should not have had some of the conversations I did have with him, but I know I drew a line and as hard as it was to maintain, i did. I CAN look at myself in the mirror.

I know if I had done what this guy wanted me to do, I would hate myself.

Think about your life, would you be happy standing up at the christmas table and telling your mum, your dad, your nearest and dearest what you are doing?

You may have done wrong, VERY wrong, but now is the time to do right. No matter the cost to you.

HoudiniHissy · 19/12/2011 20:19

Imperial - Hampshire love, north.

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 20:25

Ohh sorry, I'm no good to you - I'm in the north west.

fuzzynavel · 19/12/2011 20:35

OP has the morals of an alley cat Grin

windsorTides · 19/12/2011 20:42

I'm not sure what you want people to say, because obviously the only sane advice is to end your affair and have no contact at all with the other man.

But I don't think you'll do that until you start taking responsibility for your actions. You'll also never 'get this' and avoid it happening again until you work out how you came to be in this position.

FWIW I believe you when you say you're happy with your main partner and wouldn't assume the problems are with your feelings about him.

I think the problems are with you.

This didn't just happen. You actively chose it.

You need to work out what this says about your particular character and why you chose not to walk away. Lots of people do (myself included) however strong the temptation.

You're already part of the way there in not taking the easy route of thinking this is your partner's 'fault' and you don't seem to be re-writing history to belatedly find 'reasons' for your affair. But that can make why you're doing this, a hell of a conundrum. You're out of excuses or reasons because......well, there are none, other than this has made you feel great, it's all shiny and new and well, because you want this.

I'd suggest you start by taking responsibility for your own part in this, then end it and cease contact completely. Then get some individual therapy to work out why you've done this to yourself because although there is understandable sympathy from us here towards your husband and this man's wife, what you must never lose sight of is that this has damaged you too.

When the addiction has worn off, depending on your conscience and guilt, you might just unravel because it's possible you might never be able to square what you've done with your own sense of self - or at least not without some help.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 19/12/2011 20:47
Biscuit
fuzzynavel · 19/12/2011 20:47

I was 21 when I met a MM. He was such a bastard that I didn't know for 3 months and fell hook line and sinker for him, boy was he the most charismatic man I had ever met.

He haunted me for years, asking mutual friends about me, turning up all over the place to tempt me back.

UNTIL I told him to fuck off or I'd tell his wife.

Have pride in yourself OP and stop what you're doing immediately.

Apparently, he still talks about me as if he knows me etc.

What a total knob from knobdom.

fuzzynavel · 19/12/2011 20:48

Oh, and with the ego of Charles Atlas Grin

Original poster
whatdoido78 · 19/12/2011 21:03

I am not a marriage wrecker, or a slut. I am just someone who got carried away- easily happens, lust does crazy things to us all. I have told him it has to stop and am not planning on sleeping with him again. The hardest part is now not starting things back up again and weaning myself off him. It's like giving up a drug. I came here looking for advice on how to do this, not to be called a common whore, fucking hell!

OP posts:
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 19/12/2011 21:13

You have no right to be annoyed with what people have said. You asked for advice, I'll repeat what others had said in my way. Keep your knickers on and stay away. Believe me, if you were the skanky cow who'd been coming onto my dh and he'd given in rather than tell her no I'd be so bloody angry and slap the crazy lust out of you both.
Get some self respect and morals.

HoudiniHissy · 19/12/2011 21:18

The advice is STOP. What more do you need from us?

What WOULD you like US to call you then? Friend to a marriage you ain't. Morally intact?

You CHOSE to do this. Own it.

Original poster
whatdoido78 · 19/12/2011 21:24

despite what most of you clearly think, i do have plenty of self respect and morals. i certainly did not set out for this to happen and even now i look at the situation and think how the hell did i end up here? Never really thought I'd end up in this mess and somehow although you all say I am responsible for my actions, I stand by the fact that it all just kinda happened without really having the time to think about the consequences. not going to post anymore as i am clearly winding some of you up more than it's worth.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoido78 · 19/12/2011 21:25

I KNOW THE FLIPPING ADVICE IS STOP, THE QUESTION THAT REMAINS IS HOW????????????????????????????

OP posts:
WhizziesMum · 19/12/2011 21:35

Erm, just say no? Surely it's not that hard- change your number etc. You know what you have done is wrong. Up to you to put it right.

HoudiniHissy · 19/12/2011 21:53

We are not the ones that are shouting.

This didn't kind of happen. There are a million thought processes before you get to even think about sleeping with him, holding a hand or removing your clothes.

The fact that you preferred NOT to think about your actions is down to YOU.
The fact that you DECIDED to continue in a relationship surely SHOULD have agonised you somewhat.
This did NOT just creep up on you, club you over the head, hypnotise you and make you sleep with another woman's wife.

I'm willing to bet that you had longer to think about all this than I did. I chose NOT to go there. I KNOW what the consequences are.

How? Seriously, you are asking HOW?

You TELL him it's over
You STOP fucking him.
You STOP taking his calls
You STOP emailing him
You CHANGE your mobile number
You CHANGE your email
You get him BLOCKED at work

You go cold turkey, because you lost the right to anything else the day you trangressed the line that is someone's marriage.

Yes it's going to hurt, but not half as much as it does for a child to learn that their parent is leaving them, that he broke their mother's heart, let down his entire family, and for WHAT? All for YOU? If not you, another one, believe me.

HoudiniHissy · 19/12/2011 21:57

Oh and BTW, just so we are clear.

Anyone who is in full possession of the facts, as you are undoubtedly now, that carries on a sexual relationship with another woman's H, and father of children KNOWING it's wrong, IS actually a common whore, and moreover worse...

You have a choice. NOW. Act like a decent woman, do the right thing and don't EVER make this ridiculous mistake again.

VALUE yourself FGS, FIND your dignity, FIND your self-respect and don't EVER compromise them again for some emotionally bankrupt tosser that can't keep it in his trousers.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 19/12/2011 21:59

Take responsibility for your actions. You are talking as if you're helpless, you're not. You've done this to yourself, this situation is of your own making.
Examine your relationship to find out what's missing as something obviously is and you're not being fair to your dp. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you'd be feeling.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 19/12/2011 22:00

Oh and well said Houdini. I have a massive amount of respect for your posts.