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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please give me your honest advice

66 replies

whatdoido78 · 18/12/2011 22:34

I need advice because I have noone to talk to and not sure how to get through this. I am in a long term relationship but over the last month have been having the most amazing sex of my life with another man. I am happy in my relationship but just cannot end it with the other guy. There is no future with the other guy, he is married with children. Therefore, this is only sex but I feel I am addicted and cannot give it up. I know I have to end it if I want to save my relationship but it is just so hard. The thought of cutting contact completely is killing me, although I fear I have to do this. Has anyone been through similar? How did you get through it? How can I forget what we have and focus on my relationship? Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoido78 · 19/12/2011 22:01

get off your high horse houdinihissy because you still haven't answered my question. of course, i know all the things i am supposed to do, it's just not that simple or easy. and for goodness sake, stop banging on about children being so hurt that a parent is leaving them because i have been that child myself and you aren't making me feel guilty.

OP posts:
SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 19/12/2011 22:06

She's not on a high horse, she's morally correct.
Which question are you trying to find the answer to?
How you can be so disregarding for your own family's well-being?
How you can act so hurtfully towards your partner?
How you could potentially be helping in the ruin of another family?
How you can have so little moral backbone to have embarked on this dalliance?

You can forget it and move forward with your relationship IF you want to. That's the most important question to ask yourself.

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/12/2011 22:07

I'm not even going down the judging road. I cannot afford to throw stones, although it was a very long time ago.... but may I just say - your attitude stinks, OP. You asked the question.

HoudiniHissy · 19/12/2011 22:08

What high horse is that? I can't see you from up here? You must be at the arse-end?

Why on earth am I not making you feel guilty talking about your boyfriend's children? How the FUCK can that be? How on earth can a person BE that selfish? that uncaring? if you have been there - as I also have - on what planet would you think that it's OK?

Ahh! I get it, you are the kind of woman my DAD fucked off for! the one who lost HER H to an OW, so she set out to bag HER OWN MM.... and she DID. Fuck the consequences, never mind his 2 kids at home! She had bills to pay, a lifestyle to steal... Funny, now even her own kids are distant, cos they are grown up, married and know what she did.

Ahh, right you are then. Got it.

I'll excuse myself, cos I'd hate to get myself banned or censored for the likes of someone like you.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 19/12/2011 22:09

Oh do fuck off whatdoido. You have been given very plain and simple advice, very good advice esp from Houdini. You just don't want to hear it. Yes it's going to hurt you, the same as any break up. But probably not as much as the betrayal of your husband shagging some cheap tart, that indignity and betrayal of trust stays with you for life.
Try internet dating or something, just stay away fromarried men in future for your sake and theirs.

namechangerbat · 19/12/2011 22:09

What a horrible thing to do.

Both of you should be bloody well ashamed.

ageperfect · 19/12/2011 22:14

MM is a BIG no no...big no!!!! End up both relationships and think very well what do you want in your life and what kind of woman do you want to be...mm is a no again....Xmas Angry

AsinineLadiesDancing · 19/12/2011 22:33

If you have no one to talk to, why not ask your long term partner how he feels about it? You know, the one you say you are happy with?

Other people's feelings do matter, you are in control of your actions and you will have to live with the outcome of your betrayal.

If 78 is your birth year you are old enough to know better.

Casmama · 19/12/2011 22:33

i think what you need to do is stop putting yourself and what you want first. Every time you are tempted to speak or contact this man decide instead to put your partner and his wife and children first. Decide that not destroying their lives is more important than you getting your rocks off but most importantly you need to accept the fact that you allowed this to happen. It did not just happen. Two people made this happen and you are one of them. I will reserve judgement on the fact that you are both cheating but the lack of responsibility you are taking is fucking pathetic and you should be ashamed of yourself for that if nothing else.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/12/2011 23:52

"stop banging on about children being so hurt that a parent is leaving them because i have been that child myself and you aren't making me feel guilty"

Well you bloody well ought to, more particularly if you know what it's like. If you are only interested in stopping the affair because you might lose your relationship that you're comfortable in, not because of the potential fallout for everyone else, well that explains how you got in this situation. You are completely self-centred. There is no right or wrong, only what you want or do not want. You want the long-term partner more than you want the fresh sex, that's the only dilemma. There's no "I don't want to hurt him", only "if he finds out he'll dump me". Given your lack of sympathy for anyone else, I don't see that you have a right to much sympathy from anyone else.

I dunno though, maybe you do have a soul, but just parked it somewhere temporarily. I can only hope you reclaim it soon.

autumnflower · 20/12/2011 00:36

God, this thread's intense!
ahem, on a more practical note, OP, I know what you mean by needing to be weened off sex like off drugs. It's all really chemical isn't it - addicted to endorphines, intense happiness hormones! I think you need to do something physically challenging even exhausting to ween yourself off - get a personal trainer as they tend to take you well beyond your comfort level - you'll get muscle ache and be too tired to crave sex. Don't drink much coffee or alcohol. It will pass - it's important to make sure he doesn't pester you though, tell him it's finished as your partner suspects things. No need to be honest as MM's dishonest and he'd understand that particular fear. Maybe go away for a bit.

AgathaCrusty · 20/12/2011 07:48

Get a fucking grip woman. You and your cheating married man are not some star-crossed, romantic and "in a higher place" lovers. You are just having a tawdry and cheap shag with someone else's husband.

"I am not a marriage wrecker, or a slut" - actually, you are.

Can you not read the pain in the words of the posters on here whose husbands and partners have done what you are doing? Does it not move you? Are you actually made of stone?

wheredidiputit · 20/12/2011 08:00

I think you find Houndihiss did answer your question here.

HoudiniHissy Mon 19-Dec-11 21:53:46

How? Seriously, you are asking HOW?

You TELL him it's over
You STOP fucking him.
You STOP taking his calls
You STOP emailing him
You CHANGE your mobile number
You CHANGE your email
You get him BLOCKED at work

You go cold turkey, because you lost the right to anything else the day you trangressed the line that is someone's marriage.

Yes it's going to hurt, but not half as much as it does for a child to learn that their parent is leaving them, that he broke their mother's heart, let down his entire family, and for WHAT? All for YOU? If not you, another one, believe me.

The probelm is YOU don't want to.

Sillyoldelf · 20/12/2011 08:07

Well you asked for honest words . I can't stand women like you . What ever happened to sisterhood ? You are a marriage wrecker .

fuzzynavel · 20/12/2011 14:34

Just to reiterate what I said earlier - OP has the morals of an alley cat!

nkf · 20/12/2011 14:37

Is this just a let's wind people up thread?

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