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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last night I saw the 'man' who tried to rape me

69 replies

maristella · 18/12/2011 13:14

It was the first time I'd seen him since. He came running over and tried to hug me Angry "Hi how are you? I haven't seen you in sooo long, it's so good to see you" I just said "I'm fine thanks" and turned to my friends and said "That's the guy who tried to rape me". We hate him.

This guy and I have such a good friend in common, and I have been avoiding him since this happened, because I didn't want to put him in a difficult situation. But last night I went and met this friend because I miss him (which is why I saw the rapey bastard). I told my friend why I had avoided him; he went very quiet, then said that I am the 5th woman who has told him exactly the same story. This guy has tried to rape another 4 women - I'm so fucking angry. I've told my friend that if any of them want to report this guy I will be by their side. I'm going to report him myself, I know nothing will come of it, but I know I have to put it on record that he did this.

I was so ill 2 weeks after it happened that I went and had HIV tests (6 weeks after the event, this dragged on and on for me), I was so unwell that nothing worked. Lucky for me it was only stress. He's going to do this again isn't he?

I wrote a thread about it when it happened and had so much support on here. You guys are amazing xxx

OP posts:
ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 18/12/2011 13:19

I have no idea what to say. It is bizarre that "men" like him don't seem to know/care they have done anything wrong.

My rapist called me up for weeks asking me to go out on a date. It is like it somehow convinces them that it wasn't rape/attempted rape, just sex or messing around.

Good for you on being brave enough to report it, that takes a huge amount of courage (which I have never had).

Does it bother you that your good friend still sees this person even thpugh he has been told what he is like? That would make me re-evaluate my friendship I think.

You sound so strong, I hope you are proud of yourself for dealing with this

Original poster
maristella · 18/12/2011 13:22

He tried to contact me for 2 months afterwards. I even woke up to a text on a Saturday morning which had been sent at 5am saying that he had missed me and was going to jump on a train and come and spend some quality time with me and my son for the day. He's never met my son, and hopefully he never will! This was 2 months after he tried to rape me. I mean what the fuck????????????

OP posts:
ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 18/12/2011 13:26

It is a way of squaring up what they have done - I am sure of it.

So you led them on/were up for it even if you didn't realise. I mean you must like him right? He is a likeable person, why wouldn't you want a relationship with him? Otherwise why would you have given him all those signals you wanted to have sex with him? You're just trying to play hard to get.

Not sure if someone like this is a sociopath or a psychopath but they are mentally discturbed clearly.

Original poster
maristella · 18/12/2011 13:46

Definitely a sociopath or psychopath.

And definitely a means of normalising their behaviour Angry

I did really like him, I was in his bed and had had sex with him the night before. I would have had sex with him again if he had woken me up before trying to force me. Sadly I might have had sex with him again if he had not been so fucking offended by my rejection, and so brutal with it. He only had to wake me up. There is so much wrong with him it is untrue. He works with vulnerable young people (as do I), I thought we were on the same page and that I would be safe with him. It never crossed my mind that I wouldn't be safe with him. I was very fucking unsafe with him as is any woman that he lures.

OP posts:
michglas · 18/12/2011 13:50

Definitely report him, even if it didn't go any further then at least it would be down on record and help to build up a picture of him if there ever was a prosecution. As for your common friend, why he hasn't ditched the guy who tried to rape you is beyond me. Hope you don't let yesterday's encounter get to you xx

Bloodymary · 18/12/2011 13:52

Oh do report him.
I know it is not easy, but I do think it has to be done.
Good luck.

Original poster
maristella · 18/12/2011 14:17

I just reported him. Very cathartic, and the lady I spoke to was bloody brilliant, I'm so lucky it was her who answered my call.

Our mutual friend is in a really difficult situation. They are both musicians, and it would be very difficult for my friend to be able to shun him without there being professional (and financial) consequences for him. It's a fickle industry. My friend only does music for a living, whereas the other guy does it outside of his day job.

OP posts:
Original poster
maristella · 18/12/2011 14:29

Police have called me back, I'm making a statement tomorrow. Fuck. I'm shaking

OP posts:
TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 18/12/2011 15:39

If he had sex with you without your consent he deserves to be behind the bars. No question about it. Doesnt matter if he is best mates with your best mate. Make sure he goes to jail and also try to get a court order stopping him getting in touch with you in future.

MumPotNoodle · 18/12/2011 16:22

maristella, good on you for reporting him, he needs to be stopped, he is a danger to women.

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 18/12/2011 18:19

Maybe ask mutual friend to have a quiet word with the other women that someone has reported in case they want to come forward.

Original poster
maristella · 18/12/2011 18:22

He wasn't successful TheTruth but only because I got out of his bed. He wasn't going to stop trying, no matter how many times I said no.

MumPot yes he is, he is a danger to women, and I think that I have only just found out how much. I stupidly didn't know how much of a danger he is, because I only thought he had done this once, to me

OP posts:
D0G · 18/12/2011 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
maristella · 18/12/2011 18:25

Snapes that's exactly what I have said. My statement will be made tomorrow, and I will be asking police to contact me if any future statements are made. I'm also going to contact the local authority (his employers) and let them know that I have reported him to police for attempted rape while he was under the influence of cocaine. Backstory is that he confessed to using coke halfway through sex the night before he tried to rape me, then started doing lines and offered it to me repeatedly despite knowing that I am very much against it. I felt really trapped

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 18:26

Well done to you, Mari x

he sounds like a very dangerous man

Original poster
maristella · 18/12/2011 18:33

Thanks D0G yes he was really harassing me, it went on for so long. I had my phone on silent for weeks because if it were to ring my DS would normally answer it for me and take it to me if I was in a different room, which I could not have had happen. I also didn't want DS to know that something was up, and he would have if he had known I was not taking calls from someone.

I'm not sure how I feel after seeing him. So fucking angry, mixed with being very pleased I didn't lose it and attack him ( big part of me wants to smash his bloody face in, while big part of me doesn't want to touch him) and also very vindicated knowing that he does this to women, not just to me, and that people know about it. I really want to physically hurt him but the thought of ANY physical contact with him makes me literally recoil. Him trying to force me to have sex while physically not ready did hurt. I feel so much hate

OP posts:
Eurostar · 18/12/2011 18:33

maristella - I am glad you reported and wish you lots of strength for tomorrow. I looked back at your old thread and remembered the sad attitude of some on there which perhaps put you off reporting. There was also a poster who is in the police though who confirmed that you are right to report and will be taken seriously.

You are clearly a strong person who respects themselves and it is wonderful to think of you working with vulnerable young people and giving out that confidence that no means no (I don't just mean with sex, but with any part of a person that another tries to exploit). The thought of this man being involved with young people and with the music business makes me shudder. A few stories have leaked out of the exploitation in the music business and a few arrests but this is the very, very tip of the iceberg. Other business full of those who are desperate to get on experience the same thing of course, I'm sure we all remember the John Leslie case. As far as your mutual friend - now he has heard about his friend's behaviour from you and from many others, I would be expecting him to take a stand if it was my friend, I would feel he was complicit otherwise. For me, if I was working in a business where this behaviour had to be tolerated to get on, I would be looking at ways out of that business or ways to change it from the inside.

Original poster
maristella · 18/12/2011 21:34

Your posts made me well up, thank you all for taking the time to respond.

I don't feel very brave right now and I'm dreading making the statement. I can't believe that what happened still has the power to make me feel so fucking angry.

It's not just my friend who will be affected by this, I have a very close family member who is in a band with them both, and I have to tell him everything. It's going to affect his career and I think I might get the blame for this from a few people. It would be easier for some if I just kept my mouth shut. But I can't just do nothing

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 21:50

You are right

other people's lives are not your concern

So what if a bit of music gets stalled

This is abuse of women we are talking about, and abuse of you

you are being so strong, in very difficult and trying circumstances x

hevak · 18/12/2011 21:58

Well done maristella - you are a brave person.

I know what it's like to have to report something (nothing as serious as your situation) and feel worried about the reactions of other people, who perhaps don't realise the seriousness of the situation. As you say, you felt safe with him until it happened - which means he's a good actor. Keep reminding yourself of that if anyone tells you that you shouldn't report him. The other women he's assaulted all probably felt safe with him too :(

MardyPants · 18/12/2011 22:03

Good for you reporting it. If you could do anything to stop it happening to someone else you would want to do it wouldn't you? And that's what you've done. Go girl!

ThatVikRinA22 · 18/12/2011 22:23

i did some training recently on rape.

you have done absolutely the right thing, because, if another woman finds the strength to do what youve done, they will start to have some evidence against him.

he is a typical rapist. i found out there are 4 categories of men who rape, yours is typical of the compensatory rapist - they do not see themselves as rapists, they have distorted thinking, they think no means yes, and afterwards they will normalise their behaviour.

you have been so very brave and hopefully, you might just save another woman from going through what you and the others have,

good luck
x

Original poster
maristella · 18/12/2011 22:35

I just don't understand why he did it? If he had only woken me up I would have had sex with him. It doesn't make sense. Every time I told him to get the fuck off me he took it as a green light, that I was awake and willing and he really pounced. I am still very angry.

My friend said that every time he has done this he was on coke, that shit must be really warping his horrible brain, his sense of entitlement is dangerous

OP posts:
Original poster
maristella · 18/12/2011 22:37

I mean why would someone want to have sex with someone that is fighting them off?

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 18/12/2011 22:39

because they have distorted thinking, they think no means yes, they normalise their behaviour.
this is a typical rapist.
the man is a rapist. thats why.