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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last night I saw the 'man' who tried to rape me

69 replies

maristella · 18/12/2011 13:14

It was the first time I'd seen him since. He came running over and tried to hug me Angry "Hi how are you? I haven't seen you in sooo long, it's so good to see you" I just said "I'm fine thanks" and turned to my friends and said "That's the guy who tried to rape me". We hate him.

This guy and I have such a good friend in common, and I have been avoiding him since this happened, because I didn't want to put him in a difficult situation. But last night I went and met this friend because I miss him (which is why I saw the rapey bastard). I told my friend why I had avoided him; he went very quiet, then said that I am the 5th woman who has told him exactly the same story. This guy has tried to rape another 4 women - I'm so fucking angry. I've told my friend that if any of them want to report this guy I will be by their side. I'm going to report him myself, I know nothing will come of it, but I know I have to put it on record that he did this.

I was so ill 2 weeks after it happened that I went and had HIV tests (6 weeks after the event, this dragged on and on for me), I was so unwell that nothing worked. Lucky for me it was only stress. He's going to do this again isn't he?

I wrote a thread about it when it happened and had so much support on here. You guys are amazing xxx

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 22:50

the drugs do not explain his behaviour

like alcohol doesn't not explain this behaviour

only his entitled attitude to helping himself to your vagina explains his behaviour

Original poster
maristella · 18/12/2011 23:04

You are both right, and I need to stop trying to understand. I'm not going to understand his behaviour because I do not have a rapists mentality and I do not like inflicting victim status on people.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 23:07

it is human nature to try and understand

sorry to sound a bit bossy, its the last thing you might need x

Original poster
maristella · 18/12/2011 23:13

AF please don't apologise, I'm grateful to be talking about this with people who are honest. And stopping trying to understand is helpful, thank you for the nudge x

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2011 23:18
Xmas Smile
SweetTheSting · 19/12/2011 07:26

Thinking of you, maristella. Good luck for the statement today. You are very brave.

Original poster
maristella · 19/12/2011 08:04

Thanks but I don't feel it. Lots of panic attacks in the night, insomnia etc. I don't know how I'm going to last the day at work let alone making a statement tonight :(

OP posts:
Milchardo · 19/12/2011 08:17

Thinking of you, Maristella. I wish I'd been as brave as you.

TheRuderBarracuda · 19/12/2011 08:35

Good luck and wishing you strength for tonight maristella - you are doing the right thing.

I am Shock that your mutual friend knows of 4 other women who have said the same things about this man. At what point was your mutual friend going to have to come to the conclusion that this man was a sexual predator and not someone he would want to be friends with? Is this why so many rapists get away with it and feel it is so socially acceptable, because their friends will not believe what they are like even in the face of 4 accusations from 4 separate women. I guess so. Was he waiting to believe this 'friend' was a danger to women when the 7th woman said it, or maybe the 10th? Why didn't mutual friend see fit to advise you there had been 4 other accusations before you went anywhere remotely alone with this person. Sorry this is probably not helpful (and mutual friend is not the person doing the raping so only blame should fall squarely with rapist) but your story is a chilling insight into how self-entitled sexual predators can get away with it and still have friends, even friends who know what they are like. I really hope the other women come forward too, but even if they don't feel able to, you reporting it will mean the net will start to close in on him. You ARE very brave, even if you don't feel it right now.

Original poster
maristella · 19/12/2011 09:13

Thank you, and I know you're right about my friend staying quiet, I just can't deal with it all at once.

Have to dash to work now, I'm running very late!

OP posts:
nikos · 19/12/2011 09:24

If he is working with vulnerable adults, do you think he might have tried anything there? You might find your bravery of reporting him might give others the strength to come forward. Stay strong xx

AyeFartedOnSantasLap · 19/12/2011 09:25

maristella, I remeber your original thread and was only wondering the other day how you are getting on.

Thinking about you today - making the statement won't be easy, but it is simple. These men must be stopped and, barring Bobbitt-type solutions, the law is how we do that. I am sure that you will feel the strength of everyone on this thread (and the lurkers) when you come to talk.

Maybe ask them about Victim Support or give Rape Crisis a call to see if you can access some counselling too?

The repercussions of this are HIS. And if anyone thinks that they are down to you, well, they are very, very stupid. And maybe a bit rapey themselves. Don't take HIS consequences on YOUR shoulders.

Grumpla · 19/12/2011 09:37

You are doing the right thing Maristella.

I am also fucking appalled by the behaviour of your so-called friend. I would be re-assessing that relationship if I were you. Part of the reason your rapist has been able to attack so many women is that your 'friend' has not only allowed his behaviour to go by unchallenged but also continued to introduce women to him and failed to warn those women of his past behaviour. In itself that is pretty creepy and woman-hating behaviour.

I hope that you are able to give your statement without it being too awful for you.

Is there a non-wankerish way of saying that I am wishing you strength and power right now? Probably not, but that is what I am doing.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 09:46

Is statement-giving today ?

Good luck, Mari, come back and tell us how it went x

santastooearlymustdache · 19/12/2011 09:56

good luck maristella

i wish i could find the strength you have

{{{{hugs}}}}

Kveta · 19/12/2011 11:40

good luck maristella I can't imagine finding the strength to do what you're doing right now, so am totally in awe. Sending positive vibes your way!

Rebekmah · 19/12/2011 13:03

Hey, sorry I've just seen your post (try to avoid computer at w/es). Just wanted to wish you luck for today. You are being very brave x

Pakdooik · 19/12/2011 13:39

Good luck - stay strong

Original poster
maristella · 19/12/2011 16:32

Oh fuck, the copper just phoned and asked if he could visit any earlier, I said I'm working from home so any time is ok. He'll be here in 10 minutes Confused I actually want a cigarette more than I want to tidy up :(

OP posts:
Liluri · 19/12/2011 16:39

Don't worry about tidying up.
Re-read this thread if you are feeling wobbly - you know you are doing the right thing - for yourself and for any other women that come into contact with this man.

You are strong and brave - and you can do this.

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 19/12/2011 16:43

Do what feels right and will help you feel calm, remember how brave you are being and how in the right you are. Sending strength. xx

ISayHolmes · 19/12/2011 16:51

I hope it goes okay maristella. That man is an absolute shit and I hope he gets what's coming to him- legally, karmically, socially. You are strong and he is scum.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2011 17:51

Hope it's going/has gone ok, Mari

have a faaaag and tell us all about it

Original poster
maristella · 19/12/2011 18:55

fag is smoked :) statement is made!!!

Thank you so mcuh for holding my hand x

Just have to wait for the sargeant's decision now.......

OP posts:
Liluri · 19/12/2011 19:01

Well done
x