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Original poster

DP wants 'space'

73 replies

KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 08:26

my DP got back from a business trip on friday. He was away for 10 days. He came round to mine on Friday eve after arriving in uk at 8am. It's now Sunday morning and he wants to go to his for space. I'm really upset, he said I need to read about it as it's common. I've been waiting to see him for ages and have missed him. Is this normal? We don't live together yet or have dcs

OP posts:
Gigondas · 18/12/2011 08:29

Do you live together-assume not from post? Also when he says space is he
Talking about a break from your relationship or a few day(s) at home to sort himself post trip/pre Xmas? If latter that's not unreasonable.

EssentialFattyAcid · 18/12/2011 08:29

Normal to want to spend time alone in your own house if not living together.

fuzzypeach1750 · 18/12/2011 08:29

Gosh, I don't know if it's normal but my gut feeling would be no it's not. Surely he must have missed you? Does he want space, ie a few hours or space as in a trial separation? So sorry for you

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 18/12/2011 08:31

dunno about normal. it's how i always was with men in my late twenties. i'd sort of want relationships but be desperately attached to my own space and feel horribly claustrophobic if we spent more than a couple of days together.

thing is though none of these were men i ended up staying with or if i had asked myself really deep down wanted to be with. they were nice perhaps, i wanted to want them etc. (there weren't loads btw it was just i was predominantly single but would then find myself involved with someone and it would be nice but gradually it would become more and more apparent that i preferred being alone).

it really depends on what you want doesn't it? it doesn't sound like he's going to want to move in or deepen the relationship does it? i am assuming of course. how long have you been seeing each other? what's your usual pattern of spending time together?

what is it you really, deep down, want? and how do you think that compares to what he wants?

Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 08:32

He just wants to go home for the day and play video games probably. He makes me feel like shit.

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 18/12/2011 08:36

see the me from then wants to defend him and say well he's been at yours for two nights he must be desperate to just relax in his own space and potter etc. but i am trying to remember what it was like for them and how hard they found it to understand. they felt i was distant, secretive, pushing them away and they felt rejected. i thought they were needy and trying to squash me and would struggle to breathe.

in the end i would cut them loose because that feeling of not being able to breath and being pulled at would start to feel choking and in some drama queen type way life threatening Blush

i thought it was all them at the time but now i can see that if i had really been in love with them and wanted things to go further i would have felt and behaved differently i guess.

so actually in case it isn't obvious i, like most, will be responding from my own bias. i am trying to see it more objectively though.

Gigondas · 18/12/2011 08:37

If he makes you feel like shit then doesn't sound promising. But even if it's not your thing playing video games is a hobby that lots use to wind down so he is entitled to
Some time.

Also however much you love your partner there will be times that they do their own thing or have interests you don't share. It sounds like wanting to spend all/more time with him is your way of papering over cracks . Could be guessing but saying he makes you feel like shit not a good sign . sympathy here having wasted a year of my life on someone like this - looking back I behaved like that was lonely and unhappy and needed to be with someone , no
Matter how they behaved or how incompatible we were. It was a lesson learned the hard way that if you have to worry/stress or be too unhappy about relationship rather than enjoying it and feeling supported (ESP early on), it's probably not working .

Gigondas · 18/12/2011 08:40

Santas making some great points from
Other point of view and i can see where you are coming from. But I think both Santa and me saying same thing- this behaviour isn't particularly unreasonable and need to look at what is really going on in your relationship.
You mention kids/living together - have you discussed this (sounds like you have thought about it)?

ClaudiaSchiffer · 18/12/2011 08:41

Oh OP, let him go, let him have a bit of time to himself. He's been away for 10 days, then at yours. Has he even dumped his stuff off at home yet?

Stop being so needy.

He'll come back if he wants to

I mean really, you don't even live together yet. I was the same as Santaisananagramofsatan, desperate for a bit of space at times. Still am, but I live with a dh and 2 kids so hardly ever get any time to myself.

Robotindisguise · 18/12/2011 08:43

Right, well if he makes you feel like shit then dump him. It really is that simple. You don't want that for the rest of your life. To be frank, if he's doing this sort of thing he's probably not going to commit to you anyway, so you'd be doing yourself a massive favour.

Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 08:44

Yes he got home on Friday and spent the day there. I just was hoping to spend the weekend together, maybe going out for lunch or something.

OP posts:
ClaudiaSchiffer · 18/12/2011 08:44

Robotindisguise eh? That's a bit of leap isn't it?

Praps the poor chap just wants a bit of time to potter about at home? How do we know what's in his mind.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 18/12/2011 08:45

yes but i'm not really a recommendation that it's normal! Grin it's normal for someone who really isn't ready to be an 'us' and gets claustrophobic at too much 'us'ness' and has to run away into the peace and green fields of solitude Blush

alternatively when i've really fallen for someone i've wanted to be with them all the time and have had to force myself to take time apart. very. very. rare. thing though.

oh and i ended up having a child on my own and still being on my own at 36 so...

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 18/12/2011 08:46

claudia you need a shed or something Wink or a pretend hobby that you go to once a week when in fact you just sneak off somewhere quiet and read or write or do whatever you fancy in a corner somewhere.

Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 08:46

I wouldn't mind him needing space normally, it's just he's been away and I missed him. God I sound pathetic

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 08:47

He's 32

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 18/12/2011 08:49

you don't sound pathetic! how long have you been together for?

honestly you don't sound pathetic! even as someone whose been mostly on the other side of the equation if i was in love with someone and had missed them like mad and they'd gone off home even after two nights with me i'd be hurt and sad and paranoid and a mess.

another good reason for me to stay single.

Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 08:51

Maybe I should too. I know it's my own issues. Im just annoyed that that was the first thing he said this morning before I had even wiped the crust from my eyes. He's showing me articles online about it now Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 08:54

Together for 2.5years

OP posts:
BayPolar · 18/12/2011 08:54

A video game player. Best off waiting for a quality man to come along.
If my guy started playing video games, we'd be over in a flash.
Deal breaker for me, along with watching porn, using prostitutes, swinging cats by their tails.

Gigondas · 18/12/2011 08:55

Why is he showing you articles online Confused? Surely enough to say he is off - also are you seeing him this week or over Xmas? If not is that what is making you anxious

NonnoMum · 18/12/2011 08:56

You're not married. You don't live together. You don't have children.

Count yourself lucky that any cracks in the relationship are showing up now before life gets REALLY messy.

Buy a new party dress, get your hair done,go out, have a blast and forget about him.

ps - sorry to tell you but he found someone else whilst he was away.

Don't worry - the right man is out there for you somewhere.

ISayHolmes · 18/12/2011 08:56

It's a bit weird that he's showing you articles about it Confused. There's nothing wrong with wanting to go back to his place for a bit- he might have bills and stuff to sort out, want some downtime after working away etc. But if I wanted to do that I wouldn't mention it first thing in the morning and then show how acceptable it was by posting articles about "space" to my other half! That's odd, surely? He could talk to you about how you were feeling and how he was feeling rather then using relationship articles from the internet to tell you how normal it is and how you shouldn't be upset.

Gigondas · 18/12/2011 08:57

2.5 yrs? I may be over doing it here but has idea of living together not been discussed . I know there is no hard and fast rule on this but that seems quite a long time to go on without it being mentioned.

Gigondas · 18/12/2011 08:58

Nonno -found another woman? That's a bit of a leap. Think wanting to lie around in his pants watching the utd game and playing cod more like it.