Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP wants 'space'

73 replies

KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 08:26

my DP got back from a business trip on friday. He was away for 10 days. He came round to mine on Friday eve after arriving in uk at 8am. It's now Sunday morning and he wants to go to his for space. I'm really upset, he said I need to read about it as it's common. I've been waiting to see him for ages and have missed him. Is this normal? We don't live together yet or have dcs

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 09:03

Why would you say that nonno ?

We're moving in together in January. Long over due

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 18/12/2011 09:05

2.5yrs?? come on. you know that's too long to make yourself miserable over someone who isn't suddenly miraculously going to change into someone who will make you happy Sad

he sounds happy to carry on like this forever (sending you articles ffs) and you're not are you?

and yes i'm interested to hear whether you have shared christmas plans?

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 18/12/2011 09:06

x posted.

didn't realise you were moving in together. are you getting a new place or he with you or vice versa? how confident do you feel about it working?

WhoWhoWhoWho · 18/12/2011 09:12

He may well just want time to potter but he didn't come straight to yours from getting back (which I initially thought he had from your OP), makes you feel like shit, and is insensitively showing you articles online to prove his point. Hmm

I think 2.5 years and you've not moved in together is rather a long while. I don't think your his 'one'.

Tell him YOU need a break and while you're on one think about what you want from a relationship because I sense he isn't giving you what you need in a partner.

Plus - and this is just my opinion - gamers are all rather childish and selfish. Yes I know that's a broad, sweeping statement but from my experience EVERY man I know that is into video games is selfish and at least a tad childish.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 18/12/2011 09:14

OH! I have just realised who you are. You and him are meant to be having THE TALK over christmas aren't you. You already know he isn't as committed as you like and is a bit Hmm, I remember your other thread about him now.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 18/12/2011 09:17

actually showing you those articles when you're due to move in together soon is a bit dodgy isn't it? is it possible he is preparing you for it not happening after all?

SmethwickBelle · 18/12/2011 09:17

I don't see this as a massive alarm bell - he came straight to you which shows where his heart is, in his position I'd want to get back to my own house to put my washing through and maybe catch up on a few jobs and sleep (and yes watch my favourite crap telly and that's no worse than video games really).

Needing some time to relax on your own isn't unhealthy, quite the reverse I'd say - even in a family (although it gets harder to carve that time out).

venusandChristMARS · 18/12/2011 09:17

I'm another who likes a lot of space - especially if anything is making me stressed. I live in a ddeply close and committed relationship, have done for many years, but I still like my own time to be with my own thoughts, or to just slob out with no thoughts at all.

I'd have found been away on a 10 day business trip a bit stressy, and also the propsect of moving in with someone would be stressy too. I don't mean that in a bad way, or suggest that he's getting cold feet, but if you look at a table of stressful life events, then moving house / changes in your living circumstances is up there near the top - even when it's something you're really looking forward too.

So he's a bit stressed, and his way of dealing with that is to want a bit of space; you're a bit stressed and your way fo dealing with it is to want to stick closely by his side. Doesn't make either of them wrong, or incompatible, just different ways of reacting. Good chance now (before you have kids) to recognise the differences and talk about them sometime. See them for what they are, and importantly, don't see them for what they're not. They are your favourite coping mechanisms. His way of cping doesn't make him a commitment phobe. Your way of coping doesn't make you needy.

SmethwickBelle · 18/12/2011 09:20

...and I only moved in with DH after 4 years (and we've been together 11 years now) so 2.5 years doesn't indicate a crashing lack of commitment in my book.

Gigondas · 18/12/2011 09:20

Yes santa I thought that- at best showing articles shows he is lacking in tact and communication skills, at worst basically having doubts.

The point re gamers being a bit selfish and obsessive is fair but I would extend it to anyone who has a hobby/pastime that dominates huge swathes of leisure time to detriment of all others (lots of Aibu on golf obsessive and seem to remember one on here about an ex wanting to change access arrangements to fit his football commitments ). No one is saying you can't have hobbies/other interests but would be wary of the type of interests that aren't fitted into life as a couple or family.

ByTheWay1 · 18/12/2011 09:21

Who.... it is a bit sweeping - I have a hubby who is a gamer and he is the kindest, sweetest, most giving bloke I know - a bit childish yes, but grown up enough in the ways that matter.

From my experience, a bloke who wants space for a couple of days, just wants some space - any longer and he is just not that into you. He's been away - needs some time to slob, buy Christmas pressies etc... any more than a couple of days I'd be worried....

Gigondas · 18/12/2011 09:23

But smethwick I assume you were both happy with arrangements and moving in came at right point for you - that doesn't seem to be what op experiencing.

Veda · 18/12/2011 09:29

Relationship ''gap years'' are quite common. Fair enough if both of you are mental enough to buy this excuse for shagging about and then coming back to where your bread's buttered but I see right through it every time I hear about couples doing it.

You should ''read about it because it's common?'' Is this really his excuse? N't do something because everyone else seems to be, do you?!

I can see the appeal for scouples with no ties but you have kids and they need stability. Are they his kids? From what you've written it doesn't sound like it but it doesn't matter either way because regardless of who's kids they are my point still stands.

If you want space that's fone but to ask for it because other people are doing it seems like a really flimsy excuse to try to go get your end away with your partner's blessing.

Have respect for yourself and walk away.

All the best.

Veda · 18/12/2011 09:31

By ''space'' do you mean a few days or longer term because my reply was based on longer term. If it's a few days I'd say to leave him be.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 18/12/2011 09:33

huh? where did shagging other people come into this??? it's not a beautiful south song.

Veda · 18/12/2011 09:34

Santa I added an additional reply if it was only few days.

moondog · 18/12/2011 09:36

'a gamer'

Jesus, are they defined by their hobby?
Very attractive.
Not

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 18/12/2011 09:39

Look, when someone is Not That Into You, clinging and whining only makes the situation worse. Trying to force a commitment out of a reluctant partner is always a disaster. Every row you have will end with him going 'well you wanted us to move in together/get married'. He will also know that he can get his own way any time he wants by implying that he wants to leave you, because being aware of how desperately needy you are gives him absolute power over you.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 18/12/2011 09:47

I think that you should consider the possibility that he is trying to tell you something.

He has been away. You would think that he would want to spend time with you on his return - that he's missed you. He, otoh, goes to great lengths to demonstrate that he wants to be on his own. He even wants you to read articles about how people need space. That's not normal. Presenting someone with articles and going on and on about 'space'. That's not conversation - the man is trying to tell you something!

What it is, I can't possibly tell

Maybe he doesn't want to move in together after all
Perhaps he feels you are 'clingy'
Maybe something happened while he was away
Perhaps he's changed his mind about the relationship
Maybe he's being a dick

It could be anything. But it is certainly something. Ignore it at your peril.

Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 10:30

He sent me this: www.essortment.com/advice-good-relationship-37344.html rule #3

He just wanted to go for a few hours, watch football etc. I've calmed down and think I was a bit BU. He's said sorry it makes me feel awful but I shouldn't take it personally, and that it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Its just not nice waking up to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 10:31

I really don't think he's not that into me, I know the signs for that, hes very loving and caring but can be a selfish arse and he knows this, he says it.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 18/12/2011 10:59

ps - sorry to tell you but he found someone else whilst he was away

How bloody ridiculous.

He has been away working, he wants some chill out time, on his own, in his own home, with nobody to answer to, nobody to pay attention to, and some peace...

It doesnt mean he doesnt love you, or is seeing anyone else.

I dont even think it is selfish to want to spend some time on your own. I cant stand needy, clingy people who are unable to amuse themselves and need to have someone with them all the time.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 18/12/2011 11:01

interesting article bertie. yep i think i used to let them drive me near insane before i finally said enough. i'd have to get to the point where i literally felt i was suffocating under their unreasonable demands before i'd totally end it. up to that point i'd just focus on needing more space. not good of me really in retrospect but then again they were all nutters Wink

my healthiest break up was with a guy i was engaged to, owned a house with and loved - really genuinely loved. i just realised we were too young, that i wanted to do things with my life, that i needed time to 'grow up' on my own. so i ended it still loving him, still having a happy life together etc. everyone thought i was mad.

sometimes even now i wonder if i was mad but at the time it was the right thing to do.

i like that article - it makes me feel a bit better about things.

sorry for hijack.

Xales · 18/12/2011 11:20

Wow! Poor guy.

He came back from his work trip on Friday. probably went home and crashed for a few hours or did some washing of all his clothes. Did he go to the US? I got in that time from the Us and I could hardly lift my head off the pillow for the rest of the day, let alone sort crap and go out!

Came around to see you Friday night and stayed still Sunday morning.

Now he wants to go home, have a little time to relax alone do what he wants for a few hours, get all his shit together for work Monday morning and he is in the dog house for it or having an affair or not that interested in OP!

Maybe he didn't tell you so well because he has washing/ironing to on with and had that on his mind and didn't want you to start making plans for the day.

Swipe left for the next trending thread