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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP wants 'space'

73 replies

KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 08:26

my DP got back from a business trip on friday. He was away for 10 days. He came round to mine on Friday eve after arriving in uk at 8am. It's now Sunday morning and he wants to go to his for space. I'm really upset, he said I need to read about it as it's common. I've been waiting to see him for ages and have missed him. Is this normal? We don't live together yet or have dcs

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 18/12/2011 11:28

I agree that it's quite normal and fine for him to want some space and it doesn't mean something terrible like he's met someone else (WTF?) or that he is bored of you or whatever, but also, if he makes you feel like shit, then why bother? Relationships aren't perfect all the time, no, but you can choose whether you have him in your life or not, why choose someone who makes you feel bad, even if it's only some of the time?

And I think that sending you (multiple??) articles is a bit weird, unless you're normally very clingy and he's trying to make a point.

I don't know your backstory but it does sound like there are other factors here.

squeakytoy · 18/12/2011 11:31

I wonder if he has sent the articles because OP is giving him such a hard time over him wanting to go home.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 18/12/2011 11:32

i wonder if some people just enjoy being horrible to any woman who seems to be feeling a bit vulnerable on mn. strange habit.

clam · 18/12/2011 11:33

If I'd been away for 10 days, I'd want to spend some time in my own place to get sorted before going back to work. He's spent a fair bit of time with you, so let him go. You'll be doing yourself no favours getting clingy about it.

BUT, that said, there are some other red flags waving - for me, anyway. Him being selfish, for a start. Not helpful in a relationship if it's going to go anywhere permanent.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 18/12/2011 11:52

If he still needs space after being away for nearly two weeks, it certainly doesn't sound as if he's ready to move in with you.
Has he lived with anyone before? If so, how did that go?
Whose idea was it for you to move in together?

dreamingbohemian · 18/12/2011 12:00

I think it's normal, for a lot of people, to want to have some time to themselves, and he is probably showing you articles because for some reason you are not accepting this. It may not be normal for you, but it's not actually weird.

But if this is just a symptom of a lot of other things, then that's a different question. But in and of itself, no it's not unreasonable for someone to want a few hours to themselves and you shouldn't take it personally.

I think the fact that you are on such different pages about this, however, does not bode well for your relationship and you should reconsider moving in together.

suburbophobe · 18/12/2011 12:08

Lots of assumptions on here about "how relationships should be" and "how soon you should move in together" and "how much time you need to spend together".

I have friends who've been together for over 20 years but don't live together!
They're married and have one of the strongest relationships I've seen around.
(They don't have kids but he has a son from a previous relationship).

I can perfectly understand him wanting to get his head together after a long business trip before going to work tomorrow.

He was maybe insensitive telling you before you were fully awake.....

CupOfGoodCheer · 18/12/2011 12:12

It seems normal to me, OP.

I'm getting married to DP next summer - we have a fab relationship but don't yet live together as I work far away. I always see DP on the weekend (he can't stay at mine so I always travel to him) but I have to admit, sometimes if I've got some work to do for Monday, or even if I just want to clean the flat and do some washing, I will leave early and have a lovely Sunday pottering in my flat on my own. I can cook myself whatever I fancy to eat, watch a weepy film, clean like a manic thing..... I enjoy the time alone.

If you love someone, you have to give them the space they need and trust them to come back to you. I think you were being a bit needy tbh...

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 18/12/2011 12:14

Glad that you feel differently now and are ok. I wasn't trying to be mean or make you feel bad, I just think it's odd to try to get someone to read articles about 'space' unless you are trying to tell them something. If he'd just said I've been away all week, working hard, and I'm heading off to mine to chill for a bit, then tbh, fair enough. But it was the making you read articles that seemed so OTT that it really felt like a Message of some sort. But I am pleased for you that you have thought about it, decided that it doesn't mean anything and feel happy about it now. Cos that's what matters - that you're both happy with the choices you make. Nothing else.

CupOfGoodCheer · 18/12/2011 12:14

Are you feeling a bit wobbly and insecure? Maybe moving in with him is exactly what you need, as once you've got this commitment you may find you chill a little bit on needing to spend all your spare time together.

For your own sanity though, please make sure you go into your new home together with plenty of friends and a social life outside your DP. If all you do is spend time with him, or wait in for him when he wants to spend time with his friends, then I'm afraid you may become rather a bore....

Original poster

KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 14:35

Wow. It seems everyone has jumped to their own conclusions about me i.e I have no friends, I'm needy and weak, that I gave him a really hard time.

I have a lovely circle of friends with whom I socialise with regularly, as does my DP. He goes our once or twice a week with him friends, which I'm happy about as he has fun and relaxes.

I also need my own time, believe it or not. I love my own company wear I can veg out.

It was different today because I had not seen him in 10 days and was hoping to spend the weekend together and catch up. He had done all his washing and brought a bag with him here.

cupofgoodcheer I think you're right, I think it'll be better when we move in. He's got his own little study for when he wants to play his games etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 14:37

Or maybe you are all right and I'm just a pile of needy, pathetic-ness who needs to get over it! Let him do what he wants, when he wants, however it makes me feel.

OP posts:

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 18/12/2011 16:35

In his place I would do the same. He has been away from his house for 10 days and probably has stuff to sort out before work tomorrow. Laundry, food shopping, cleaning, opening post, all sorts. Chill.

fuzzynavel · 18/12/2011 17:45

KissMy

You are going to get many a different opinion on here.

It sounds like you want more at the moment out of this time apart.

Did you hope for some sort of further commitment from him?

fuzzynavel · 18/12/2011 17:57

Just scrolled up and from my understanding you are due to move in together and he sent you some article telling you how a good relationship should be then decided he wanted a bit of space.

Well, I find that rather odd to be honest and so do you, hence the post.

Sounds like he's getting cold feet. This maybe because it's a big deal and he's a bit scared etc.

OP, the best thing you can do is be busy and let him get on with it. Don't do the needy me at the moment. Give him enough space rope to hang himself get over himself.

Original poster

KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 18:20

Thanks fuzzy

OP posts:

fuzzynavel · 18/12/2011 18:30

Just remember OP you are a beautiful thinky feely person, let him do a bit of running

Original poster

KissMyShineyRedA · 18/12/2011 19:58

Maybe a little too much, fuzzy!

He didn't end up going. I said go if you want in a nice, normal way. He went upstairs and had a think, came down half and hour later and said he wasn't going to go as he hadn't seen me much. We had a nice day out

OP posts:

CupOfGoodCheer · 18/12/2011 20:00

I love a happy ending

NonnoMum · 18/12/2011 21:52

Sorry for my earlier post.
I have reread your timescale and of course the needing space just means washing pants!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 18/12/2011 22:28

oi! i never called you needy or made any of those assumptions! don't tar us all with the same brush please

Original poster

KissMyShineyRedA · 19/12/2011 09:23

Not you Santa thanks for your advice, it helped me see things from both sides x

OP posts:

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 19/12/2011 11:27

i hope it all works out and you can both get what you need x

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