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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So embarrassed Probably TMI regarding sex

56 replies

Chocolokka · 16/12/2011 21:13

Gosh so mortified don't know where to begin. Had a thread up recently about probs dh and I were having. We were finally getting back on track and getting on much better...
Last night we were dtd, it was really good, I initiated it but dh had Sid earlier in the evening that he was really in the mood. So it was going really well, Blush h lost his erection a bit so we finished by pleasuring each other orally Blush. It wasnt completely obvious at the time that he had lost his erection because he regained it quite quickly...anyway I didn't want to mention it at the time but as it has happened recently I decided to broach the subject today in an non accusatory way, I just asked him if he had lost it and was it something I had done....he said ( not meanly) that I was quite wet and it didn't help...then he said that maybe I should keep up the kegal exercises...I was really embarrassed, but maybe he was right to say it. I said that I thought he was being hurtful and he said well you have given birth to 2 children.. I was hurt and felt angry and I said maybe he should find himself a virgin.. He said there wd no reason to be nasty.. I said I was hurt by the comment and then we had visitors and haven't mentioned it again. He is entitled to say that I suppose, maybe things have changed for him down there since our youngest child was born..I just don't think I'll feel comfortable for a long time to have sex with him I'll be so paranoid. I am wrong to feel so hurt. It wasn't him who initiated the conversation it was me....I just don't know what to think :(

OP posts:
Annakin31 · 16/12/2011 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairstiveGreetings · 16/12/2011 21:49

If he is genuine about the sensation he feels then he was just being honest with you. You were prepared to discuss this with him when you thought the 'problem' lay with him but you are not so prepared to consider that it may be more to do with you, OP. Understandably, this is difficult to hear but I am not convinced that your DH was making it up to be unkind, or deflect the focus from himself.

I am sure that, if this is a difficulty, there are exercises you can do. In fact, a good time to practice is during sex, by trying to 'squeeze' him.

ABumDance · 16/12/2011 21:49

I agree with Annakin.
Also things are bound to have changed with your body, but that does not give him the right to be so mean. You said when he first replied that he was okay so why did he feel then need to take it further?! If it was just that you were wet what on Earth would Kegels do to benefit that? Am I missing something? Obviously you are both entitled to voice concerns with each other, it usually makes thing better. But the manner in which he has done so has had an effect on you and rightly so too. If he felt embarrassed at you bringing up his erection he should tell you, so that you know how to talk with him in future, after all you were only trying to see if it was something you had done. I hope things are okay and that you both find a way to communicate that doesn't offend either of you. But I think this time he was in the wrong and should apologise. :)

Original poster
Chocolokka · 16/12/2011 22:07

Thanks for the replies. I don't believe dh was trying to be mean and hurt me and I also wasn't just willinging to discuss it because dh was to "blame" I did say to him was it something that I had done? When we last dtd on Sunday it was fine, he climaxed before me through intercourse so everything was fine. I am ovulating at the moment and that can affect the wetness Donau e it was just that. I suppose these site natureof the problem has left me feeling vulnerable. Yes my body has changed. I haven't gained any weight but mytummy has loose skin which I'm really embarrassed about, my breasts arent what they used to be. So I guess I have a lot of body issues to deal with myself and now this...I am feeling a little hurt. I really don't think dh was being mean, he was honest but maybe s little insensitively?!? Thanks for the responses, I have being unconciously doing the exercises since he mentioned it lol.

OP posts:
maleview70 · 16/12/2011 22:15

I think he was just being honest albeit he was defensive in his tone as men take comments about loss of erection as badly as you have taken the comment about you being too loose.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2011 22:16

look

it is mostly a fallacy that women are "too loose" to stimulate a blokes cock during intercourse

comments like that belong in only 2 scenarios

  1. a genuine problem post child birth...but in that situation there would be other markers such as incontinence, uterine prolapse, massive birth trauma etc

  2. this bloke is blaming his own sexual dysfunction on a convenient "excuse" that has no basis in fact. Vaginas are designed to stretch and gradually recoil post-childbirth

Now only you know what you are dealing with here. personally, i would not take that comment in a spirit of "helpfulness", I would take it as blame. once you get your head around that, things will become clearer

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 16/12/2011 22:38

It wasn't a nice comment for him to have made, but from an otherwise nice man it is likely to be a defensive reaction to being questioned about his uncooperative willy ie desperately trying to think of a reason why it wasn't his fault. Is he an otherwise nice man?

liverLadyLass · 16/12/2011 22:59

Why is it your loose and not he's shrinking with age??

Original poster
Chocolokka · 16/12/2011 23:21

Thanks again for the replies. I had normal vaginal deliveries with no problems with incontinence or other issues. His tone was also not defensive. He is a nice man, I have been having insecurity issues recently and maybe I'm being very sensitive. I tried talking about again awhile ago, he sensed a negative vibe and initially I denied a problem but he continued to probe, he couldn't guess the reason of my "presumed over reaction" finally when I told him he said he enjoyed last night...that over wetness can cause issues, didn't refer back to the "over stretched" vagina but then didn't really want to talk, he rolled over and is now sleeping. Thanks for listening

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2011 23:35

Yes, he senses you are upset but ignores it

lovely

FWIW, being very "wet" should be a turn on a for a bloke. Would he rather you were too dry and you risk thrush, cystitis, discomfort and a lack of enjoyment on your part ?

wait ...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2011 23:39

I seriously wonder why women are so programmed to tread so carefully around a man's feelings wrt his sexual prowess

but it's ok to feed into a woman's insecurity

isn't it bad enough that women are constantly bombarded with messages that they aren't up to scratch if they aren't size 8 sex goddesses within weeks of giving birth ?

when your partner attempts to reinforce those messages because of his own insecurities, it makes you wonder what your function is for him ?

Bromdad · 17/12/2011 07:16

As bloke we have a duty to be very considerate of the fact that the female body goes through an awful lot to produce a baby and in some ways is changed forever. We have nothing, no physical exams, don't have to show our bits off to 15 midwives, no weight gain, stretching of skin, tears etc... I am just overjoyed that my wife will let me anywhere near her after giving birth to 2 children. I try to be considerate of what she has been through and so implying that she is 'looser' is not my idea of supportive!

bbface · 17/12/2011 07:29

FGS AnyFucker,

chill out!

Your posts are flaming a pretty mild situation

OP, I can just imagine how embarassing that was. I take you at your word that your husband was not being mean, so could it not be a bit of both i.e. he is having a few problems and perhaps you do need to be doing the kegals (phenomenal exercises). Without doubt he definitely has a role to play in losing his erection (probably the leading role actually) and was being very insensitive in laying the blame at your feet.

nooka · 17/12/2011 07:37

I don't think that it is impossible that there might have been a lack of friction. I have become much more lubricated in the last few years (both my children were c-sections, so not birth related) I just get much more easily turned on now and I think it can be a bit of a problem. dh says that he's not very big and the combination of the two can sometimes mean that it's not terribly satisfactory.

What are Kegals btw?

VeryLittleGravyOnMeXmasDinner · 17/12/2011 07:44

OP, has he been masturbating a lot? That can seriously reduce sensitivity in a bloke.

I'm Shock that he finds sex with you in a receptive, aroused state a turn-off.

whatstheetiquette · 17/12/2011 07:49

A woman being wet it the whole idea so that makes me think your H is just trying to divert attention from his own real problems by creating imaginary ones for you to worry about.

VeryLittleGravyOnMeXmasDinner · 17/12/2011 07:54

Kegels are pelvic floor tightening exercises. While they do help things out downstairs, post childbirth, they will not miraculously transform your vagina into a mouse's ear.

Unless your partner is having to don a spelunking kit prior to sex, I very much doubt it's anything to do with you being 'too loose'.

Oh, and it's the norm for men to prefer sex with an aroused, well-lubricated partner.

PieCherry · 17/12/2011 08:28

spelunking??

Just had to google it lol

PoppaRob · 17/12/2011 09:25

Yes, a woman getting wet is turn on for a guy. I think it's a huge turn on. The downside is that it reduces friction. Maybe get hubby to give his old fella a quick wipe with a towel to reduce the juice and when he gets stuck back into it there'll be friction and success!

BayPolar · 17/12/2011 10:23

Xmas Grin @ 'Mouse's ear'.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 10:31

I am quite chilled, thanks bbf

I don't think it's acceptable for a bloke to blame his own dysfunction on his female partner though

if you do, perhaps you will never understand why I would tell a woman to question what mindset those kinds of criticisms are coming from

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 10:44

He's talking rubbish - it doesn't make any sense that he would lose an erection for the reasons he says.

And he's definitely out of order. I completely agree with AnyFucker.

amverytired · 17/12/2011 12:11

It's been mentioned many times on here - if you google 'Dan savage' and 'death-grip' you might find something relevant to your situation.

Malificence · 17/12/2011 12:19

The only reasons a man would lose an erection are either BP/circulatory problems or loss of interest. The wetness/ tightness of a woman's vagina has nothing to do with it, if a healthy man is sufficiently aroused then nothing will make him wilt.

It's downright nasty to blame a woman's body for his own shortcomings.

Malificence · 17/12/2011 12:21

amverytired, your information is not relevant to this situation at all, it only relates to men who have orgasm problems.