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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So embarrassed Probably TMI regarding sex

56 replies

Chocolokka · 16/12/2011 21:13

Gosh so mortified don't know where to begin. Had a thread up recently about probs dh and I were having. We were finally getting back on track and getting on much better...
Last night we were dtd, it was really good, I initiated it but dh had Sid earlier in the evening that he was really in the mood. So it was going really well, h lost his erection a bit so we finished by pleasuring each other orally . It wasnt completely obvious at the time that he had lost his erection because he regained it quite quickly...anyway I didn't want to mention it at the time but as it has happened recently I decided to broach the subject today in an non accusatory way, I just asked him if he had lost it and was it something I had done....he said ( not meanly) that I was quite wet and it didn't help...then he said that maybe I should keep up the kegal exercises...I was really embarrassed, but maybe he was right to say it. I said that I thought he was being hurtful and he said well you have given birth to 2 children.. I was hurt and felt angry and I said maybe he should find himself a virgin.. He said there wd no reason to be nasty.. I said I was hurt by the comment and then we had visitors and haven't mentioned it again. He is entitled to say that I suppose, maybe things have changed for him down there since our youngest child was born..I just don't think I'll feel comfortable for a long time to have sex with him I'll be so paranoid. I am wrong to feel so hurt. It wasn't him who initiated the conversation it was me....I just don't know what to think :(

OP posts:

amverytired · 17/12/2011 12:33

Really? I thought it might be very relevant. The OP's partner might find he needs 'over-stimulation' (in terms of tightness) due to his own masturbation technique. In contrast, normal vaginal stimulation might not be sufficient. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong at all with the OP physically, more so that the OP's h needs to 'retrain' himself to appreciate it.

Malificence · 17/12/2011 12:43

That would only result in inability to reach orgasm, lack of strong stimulation doesn't make a man lose his erection, healthy, aroused men generally keep erections without even being touched.

Laquitar · 17/12/2011 12:43

I thought men like you to be 'wet'?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 12:52

Normal men do, Laq

since being wet indicates arousal

my DH gets more excited, the more my body responds (and vv of course)

it's how it should be

men who are looking to blame someone else for their dysfunction are likely to seize on any old shite...this looks like an example of it

maxpower · 17/12/2011 13:04

this sounds a bit 50/50 to me

you say he responded 'not meanly' but just becasue he didn't sound upset, doesn't mean that he wasn't. he was probably mortified that you'd brought it up and lashed out. you say you asked him if it was something you'd done that caused/contributed to the situation so i expect that kind of gave him an easy way to blame you (not that I think that's right btw)

I do know how horrid it is to feel low about your body shape post children (I do!) and the last thing you needed to hear from your DH was anything to suggest that you weren't turning him.

what do you want to do now?

Laquitar · 17/12/2011 13:14

Phew AF. I thought i m going mad and imagining things. My dh loves it too.

As for op, yes, prob her h is just a bit more imaginative than those who say 'you are too fat'.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 13:52

Or a little more subtle/knows what buttons to press

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 13:54

it's a shame really

because he is doing lots of things right if Op is very aroused

then trashes it all with blaming her for his willy wilt

stupid man

TeaAndToast68 · 17/12/2011 14:18

So the overwhelming conclusion is that he did it just to be horrible, and there is definitly no truth in the idea that for some reason the sensation was not what he's used to.

And he's a stupid man with a wilty willy, who is lashing out and blaming you, and suggesting that you aren't turning him on, and he is not normal, and he is looking to blame someone else for his dysfunction, and he is downright nasty, and not healthy, and has either BP/circulatory problems or loss of interest, and any difference in sensation has nothing to do with it, he's talking rubbish and doesn't make any sense, he has real problems, he is very insensitive (in two ways), he is possibly shrinking with age, and trying to blame the OP.

The OP must be mistaken in thinking that he is a nice man, and saying I really don't think dh was being mean, he was honest but maybe s little insensitively?!?

That seems pretty conclusive, so no need to consider anything else.

Malificence · 17/12/2011 15:01

"he said that I was quite wet and it didn't help...then he said that maybe I should keep up the kegal exercises..."

Stupid and nasty comment.

Heleninahandcart · 17/12/2011 15:08

Before MN, I had never heard about this idea that women's vaginas are somehow too loose after childbirth. Where the hell did this nonsense come from? As for being 'too wet', words fail me.

Since giving birth I have had relationships with much younger men who were used to women in their early 20's pre childbirth and lovers my own age. I have never, ever had any complaints.

The only problems ever, were with those who's erections were not strong to start with or who lost it somehow due to other issues. Just like your DH.

Fortunately, none of them were delusional enough to try and tell me it was my fault.

TrinityRhino · 17/12/2011 15:11

I've had three kids and I'm very sure that he is unwittingly blaming you because of his own embarrassment

any reason why you felt you needed to mention his brief loss of erection?

tbh sometimes he may not even know so being asked can put a lot of pressure on him to come up with an answer

and whats with the too wet thing? sounds like a grasping at straws excuse to me

sprinkles77 · 17/12/2011 15:16

There is another reason that a man can't keep it up. Because he's worried he can't keep it up. Nothing to do with medical ailments or lack of desire!

When I was pg DH said I was very wet and things didn't feel the same. But he managed. And he has had genuine erection problems, both before and since.

We dealt with the erection thing by me being a bit dismissive (oh well, let's do something else) and by me really making the effort to instigate sex, so he felt really desired. Because sometimes all that moisture doesn't say "I really want to fuck you" quite like actually saying it!

Yes, it wasn't a nice thing your DH said, but it sounds to me like firstly you dealt with the wilt in a really good, sensitive way, by not drawing too much attention to it and changing the scenery . And secondly that you are a couple who talk about stuff, so you just need to find a way to do that that is no in the heat of the moment and is more constructive.

HappyHubbie · 17/12/2011 16:02

In my experience there was a permanent change in how sex felt after my wife gave birth. Haven't been in there with a ruler and measured it (!) but it certainly felt less 'tight' in there than before, certainly enough to be noticeable but it didn't affect sex particularly. I assumed it was the same for all women, maybe some are lucky and it doesn't? Presumably the muscles also loosen off with age, doesn't everything? FYI 'wet' is good, but 'very wet' whilst a turn-on is not necessarily better for actual shagging.

Speaking from the penis-owning end of the equation it's also true that male sensitivity reduces with age and (in my case anyway) it's nothing to do with the oh-so-predictable-men-are-all-wankers 'death grip syndrome'. Erections (for me) aren't as 'solid' as they were say 10-15 years ago, and some times it goes a little floppy for a minute or two. Sprinkles is spot-on that worrying about not keeping it up can cause exactly that issue - been there, done that. Men never talk about this stuff of course, but I don't think the OP's husband is different to other men. We found a way round it, but I don't want to be told off for TMI again

It really just sounds like both the OP and her DH are realising that their bodies are changing. The good thing is that they can talk about it, and it really doesn't sound like he was being nasty or defensive (or at least no more so than the OP).

Flanelle · 17/12/2011 16:13

During half an hour to an hour of love-making a man's erection isn't constant.
Asking "Is it something I've done?" not only makes a problem where there isn't one, but it offers to take the blame for it too. And you know, If you're going to lie down in front of him and write 'doormat' on your back ....

Original poster

Chocolokka · 17/12/2011 20:50

Thanks for all your replies. Just to clarify it was a momentary loss but we didn't have intercourse again after. I probably wouldn't even have thought about except that we have been having problems re intimacy and routine over the last few months. Dh wasn't being affectionate and I felt he wasn't attracted to me....we were slowly getting things back on track and now this. I have been upset all day but dh thinks I'm overreacting. One of you posters asked "what do you want to do now" well, I definitely don't think I'll be able to relax and have sex anytime soon :(

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2011 22:28

what a shame

like I said...stupid man

Original poster

Chocolokka · 19/12/2011 14:40

I'm sorry, I'm still looking for advice. I feel so upset, dh has said he is sorry after looking at me crying for the last two days. But how does one forget a comment like that. Im not holding onto it simply to be spiteful and unforgiving . It wasn't a deliberately nasty comment said in the heat of the moment to hurt me. It was a physical truth, I already do kegal exercises so what else can I do? Is it possible to relax and forget about it completely in order to have sex again. Of course communication is really importantI'm exhausted and not dealing with it particularly well, I am crying a lot. Would couples councelling help?

OP posts:

QueenCess · 19/12/2011 14:57

Ok you are making a bigger deal out of this than is strictly necessary.

Try adopting different positions that can help increase friction for both of you. Do your research together and see what you both want.

Then forget about what he clumsily said and try and reconnect with him. It was a glitch. Don't let it spoil things when you are getting back on track. You need to be able to discuss things together without chucking a two day huff.

TeaAndToast68 · 19/12/2011 14:58

I can't help with the emotional distress, but we all change physically and emotionally over time.

If we assume for a moment that the sensation was not what he was used to, there are some ideas that may help. Different positions, such as woman-on-top or lazy doggie may suit. You can try astride in a chair if you like. Try "reverse missionary" with the man's legs outside the womans.

Sorry if TMI but these things do happen. My guess is that it is not anybody's fault. This thread is heavily loaded with blame which will help nobody.

Good luck.

JackMatthias · 19/12/2011 15:07

Can I second what HappyHubbie said. Anxiety over getting it up is a vicious circle for a bloke when...er...trying to get it up.

carmenelectra · 19/12/2011 15:15

I would be mortified if my DP made such comments. Having said that, i have asked him many times if sex feels different after 3 kids. He denies it but I am not convinced.

I do pelvic floor exercises and no problems with incontinence, no traumatic births etc but I reckon i DO feel different. Sorry, TMI, but if i stick a finger in my vagina and squeeze really hard, I don't feel much of a grip. Years ago, i remember really being able to feel the squeeze!

I guess it's also a combination of age and yes, mens erections aren't always as firm possibly.

I would say in my case, and probably in the case of most couples, there is a change, though probably not massive and the only way a man could really compare would be to shag a childless/younger woman!!

As for the wetness, I would say that should be a massive bonus.

Helltotheno · 19/12/2011 15:35

OP I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this isn't really about the sex at all. I'm not getting a 'love' vibe from what you're saying about your dh, hell I'm not even getting a 'like' vibe.

Are you fairly sure there's nobody else?
Any porn habit?

Bottom line is I think if your instinct is that there's something wrong beyond this, your instinct is more than likely correct.

Original poster

Chocolokka · 19/12/2011 15:53

Thanks again for the responses. Honestly my dh has no recruit polroblems, there is no way I would have casually mentioned it if I thought there problems in that department without being super sensitive. I'm upset but I'm not in a huff. I'm just trying to fne to terms with it. It is akin to me saying to him that I fnd his penis too small ( which I don't) I still get the same pleasure from sex, the sensations haven't changed. I'm not trying to blame h, I just feel hurt.

OP posts:

QueenCess · 19/12/2011 16:17

Look it's just part of your body which has changed -that you have very little control over. It's not a personal attack. Time to get practical.

Try the positions mentioned. Stop crying because that will be a barrier to future intimacy. You have chosen to view this defensively and crying for two days is OTT.

Tell him if you had sex more often you would both become accustomed to each other again.....

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