is this normal?

[StrangeButTrue]

I've just been laughed of chat & advised to come here.

My DH still insists on wiping DS bottom, DS is 8. Other problems but wanted to start with this first.

i'm genuine, not a troll. please tell me what you think. thanks.

Is your DH the father of the son whose bum he insists on wiping?

I think the point here is that if your DS doesn't like it, it should stop.

There are several reasons why this is wrong in my view when there is no medical or physical need for the assistance.

It's controlling - wanting to be supervising every aspect of someone's life including toilet use. We have to do this with tiny children, but not eight year olds.

It diminishes you DS's sense of his own ability and independence, and is making him more 'childish' than he actually is, - I think that is also about control - some people like others to be dependent upon them.

It's humiliating for your DS not to have his privacy respected.

Your DH maybe has a problem grasping that your DS is growing up and can do things for himself.

I would be concerned mainly about the toilet things. As far as bathing is concerned, I don't think there's anything wrong with the two of them having a game with boats or something when your DS bath - but only if your DS wants it. I don't think there anything terrible about a parent wrapping a towel round a child and giving them a quick rub dry whilst letting them do more intimate drying themselves.

He doesn't need your DH to dress him, - I don't think it's particularly weird, just unnecessary, and implies your DS is incompetent if it happens all the time (occasionally holding out PJ trousers so a child can get quickly into their bedclothes is not unreasonable though)

I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a word about boundaries.

Very good friends of ours once announced that they did this.

You could have heard our jaws drop on the moon.

Their DS was 7 at the time, they also used to clean under his foreskin and were surprised that we didn't do this for our son.

They stopped when the penny dropped that this was unneccessary and intrusive. No abuse warning, just didn't realise their baby had grown up IYSWIM?

OK - I've just seen he is singling your DS out for this attention - that I would find worrying, I mistakenly thought your DS was the only child.

It isnt normal.
It is worrying.
It isnt automatically sexual abuse but it is an abuse of your DS's privacy.
You partner is performing very intimate tasks for a child who is well able to do these himself.
Even with children with complex and severe disabilities great care has to be taken to respect their bodies and personal space.

To do this for a child who has no SN is very odd. This is more than just a bit of babying.

It needs to stop.

there's lots of other stuff. It's confussing.

I has counselling a few months ago, the counsellor described DH's behaviour as coming under what they consider at Relate as 'Domestic Violence & Abuse'. I stupidly relayed this off to DH, (against the counsellors advice), thinking if DH could see his behaviour through another persons eyes he would change. DH was angry. he isn't physically violent.

i tried to explain that i hadn't accused him of this.he wouldn't listen. he told me his friends & family all think i'm mad & vindictive. he had told 8yo DS that i have acccused him of being violent, that my oldest DCs(teenagers) have also accused him of being violent (they haven't). it has all got out of hand. 8yo DS told me this in confidence, so it is difficult.

DH is his father. trying to read replies & type.

Oh dear, that's so tricky. I can see why DH would be upset if he thought he was being accused. You should explain this is not normal behaviour and ask how he would explain it to an outsider. As far as I can see, there is no genuine reason and he is invading DS's space.

thank you so much for this. my head has been really muddled. i really need to follow my instincts. there are lots of things that make me feel uneasy. i need to step back & really think about my & my Dcs future.

I think it is really important to trust your instinct here, particularly for your ds's sake. If someone's behaviour is making us feel uneasy and worried it is usually for a reason.

what do you think of this -

when we first met, he used to insist on cleaning his teeth while I did, in the same basin, at the same time. i told him not to (there are some things i like to do on my own!) - he told me I was obviously not used to intimacy.

He sounds manipulative, and very creepy. Sorry.

Is he older than you?

I've been following this thread and I'm really interested to see everyone's take on it.
My abusive ex was still wiping his son's arse when he was 10 and also insisted on drying him too when he'd had a bath. There's also something he used to do when DS was a baby that made me really uncomfortable but that I would have felt stupid and he'd have gone ballistic if I'd accused him of anything IUSWIM

he is 20 yrs older than me

After that last post, has your DH got some form of obsession with personal hygeine?

I had a feeling that was what you were going to say.

Sorry, but that rings very loud alarm bells with me. I don't mean that all relationships with a big age difference are suspect, not by a long shot, but everything you have said adds up to a very disturbing situation.

3littlefrogs - why do you say that - alarm bells, distrubing? is it a control thing?

i was very vulnerable when we first met - 3 weeks after leaving my fiance

What does your DS say about this? If he wants privacy to put on his pants then surely he does not want someone wiping his bottom or being in the toilet when he is using the loo?

Is DS your youngest? Did he do this with your other DCs?

run, OP. Run like the wind....

This is all adding up to a creepy and disturbing situation.

I just think that he sounds very controlling, his behaviour with his son is odd, and I wonder if he deliberately chose a younger, possibly more easily manipulated woman.

I would be interested to know how and where you met, and how long you knew each other before being in a relationship/getting married.

Does his behaviour in other aspects of your relationship worry you?

Does he ask you to do anything sexually that you feel uneasy about?

Run, run, run.

3littlefrogs - met in a nightclub, me obviously in a 'man hating mood' (my gay friend told him so) baby within 1 year. DH proclaiming he was in love with me on the first night we met. yes, vulnerable & easily manipulated. you are good.

for me, the relationship was based on security. for him - sex.

DS is embarrassed, but on a lighter note - he is very lazy. he now says he doesn't wast daddy to do it.

What do you know about his past? His family? Friends?