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Original poster

New boyfriend has a lot of female friends..but he hides one from me

64 replies

FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 13:27

So I've been in a new reliatonship for 3 months.
The guy(let's call him Reg) is serious about me,wants me to move in with him and my DS.I have som issues I need to sort out and also wants to take it little bit slowly,especially as my DS is involved.
When I met Reg I knew he had a lot of female friends and I met few of them and he always says "you will meet her " etc.
Recently I felt like our reliatonship stagnated,nothing in particular but he wouldn't have send as
many messages or tell me what he did,didn't insist on meeting every day(like he did before).

I have been very honest about my previous boyfriends,partners and reasons why we split up.Also I have cut off the contact with some male friends who wanted to be more.He always tells me I am happy for you to have male friends but didn't like one mutual of ours,so I am not meeting up with him anymore.

This morning I woke up in his place and he was still asleep and I was really bored,so I've checked his phone.Hmmm.Not sure why(I know I have my own issues)..and found lots of messages from women.One in particular,they've exchanged lots of messages recently.
She seems to know about me but there is a message from her saying she wants to just stay friends,also another one her reassuiring him that I love him(eh we have never even met).In his sent message he initiated to have diner at his place tonight.

So I've asked him if he has any plans tonight and he answered no.Normally he would say,Oh I am supposed to meet so and so but we can go together or do you want me to cancel it?
This does seems to me like he is hiding something as he has never mentioned her before and also didn't say to me he has plans already.
Bit confused and texting is bit dodgy me thinks.Or Am I making big deal out of this?
Should I be honest and tell him I've checked his phone?

Many thanks lovely ladies(and men)

OP posts:
PieCherry · 15/12/2011 13:29

No, don't tell him you've checked his phone.

But I probably would turn up at his tonight! "SURPRISE", and then you can judge based on his reaction (and hers).

Good Luck

Sparks1 · 15/12/2011 13:35

Quite frankly if you're checking his phone the relationship has no future anyway.

redlac · 15/12/2011 13:36

what Pie says and don't even consider moving in with him. You've been going out for 3 months

Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 13:44

Thanx ladies,good advice :) didn't think of turning up unexpected at all.Just texted him I can't make it tonight,so hoping he will still arange it with her hehe.
Sparks why do you think there is no future?

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 15/12/2011 14:01

You're only 3 months into a relationship and you get bored so check his phone.

That in itself should tell you all you need to know....

ameliagrey · 15/12/2011 14:06

TBH, you have answered your own questions- you say that you checked his phone , but don't know why=- but you have your own issues.

If your issues include lack of trust, or a dodgy radar when it comes to men, then you need to work on those before you put yourself and not least your child into another relationship.

After 12 weeks you will stll be in the --honeymoon- having loads of sex stage- not the right time yet to be thinking of making permanent living- together plans- and especially if you have issues with trust or your own insecurity.

wannaBe · 15/12/2011 14:08

why did you check his phone?

You say the messages state you must love him so really what is the problem?

And three months into a relationship I wouldn't expect him to tell you his every move - so what if he's seeing a female friend?

I agree the relationship has no future, but I think it's as much about your trst issues as anything else..

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 15/12/2011 14:09

Avoid ANYONE who wants to move in in 3 months. Madness. How does he even know your son, he shouldn't have even been introduced yet. Please tell me your ds wasn;t also sleeping over at his house this morning...

TheSecondComing · 15/12/2011 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coppertop · 15/12/2011 14:13

It's only been 3 months but you've already given up a friend because your boyfriend doesn't like him?

coppertop · 15/12/2011 14:14

I missed the bit about moving in.

What's the rush?

Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 14:16

Thank you Sparks and Amelia.

I agree that before I introduce my DS to anyone,I need to be sure about reliatonship,direction etc.

I have my own issues and even though this sounds bit strange I wouldn't consider lack of trust as a main one.I am perhaps thinking that because my own situation is not so ideal,that's why it can't work between me and new man and he might be worried but is not expressing himself?

In past,I had my phone checked by every partner I went with(and have checked phone smyself before-not every person) and didn't consider it as a break-up reason.Have nothing to hide,so perhaps that's why i didn't see it as a huge issue.Ofc,I wasn't totally happy about it and it does goes to trust,jealusy,communication circle.

I have a second thoughts about "crushing" party tonight.I don't want to feel like a stalker or.....hmmmmm

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 15/12/2011 14:23

OP, if someone went through my phone and I found out, it would be a very big issue, I'd feel that was stalkerish.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 15/12/2011 14:25
  • rush to move in together -> red flag.
  • inciting you to drop a frind -> red flag.
  • gut instinct that you don't trust him, so you check his phone -> red flag.
  • you have a history of controlling partners who checked YOUR phone -> red flag.

Verdict? End it.

Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 14:26

No he doesn't know my DS.
He wanted to move in with me as soon as we met.He said he knows how he feels now and will not make a difference in 2,6 or 12 months.He is not young,he is mature guy,was married before and have 2 sons himself.

I don't want to move in with him now..I want to wait.

Wannabe-sorry message from female friend says- Reg,Fiona does love you.(she doesn't even know me).And later in a day she messages-I just want to be a friend and leave it as it is.

I should probably give him benefit of doubt and really don't feel good about it now.I can only second guess ...

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 15/12/2011 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShirleyKnot · 15/12/2011 14:28

Three.
Months.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 15/12/2011 14:28

Any guy who suggests moving in with a mother and their child without even knowing them isn't mature. He sounds like an idiot.

coffeeinbed · 15/12/2011 14:30

That checking phone thing?
Whether of not or you have somehing to hide is irrelevant.
There's something called privacy.

coffeeinbed · 15/12/2011 14:30

or

redlac · 15/12/2011 14:32

run away and run away fast.

whats that word I learnt on here? cocklodger!

Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 14:33

Maybe that's why my gut instict wa telling me you can't trust someone who is 'full on' from beginning...

OP posts:
Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 14:33

Haha what is cocklodger???

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 15/12/2011 14:34

LISTEN to your gut.