New boyfriend has a lot of female friends..but he hides one from me

[FionaShrek]

So I've been in a new reliatonship for 3 months.
The guy(let's call him Reg) is serious about me,wants me to move in with him and my DS.I have som issues I need to sort out and also wants to take it little bit slowly,especially as my DS is involved.
When I met Reg I knew he had a lot of female friends and I met few of them and he always says "you will meet her " etc.
Recently I felt like our reliatonship stagnated,nothing in particular but he wouldn't have send as
many messages or tell me what he did,didn't insist on meeting every day(like he did before).

I have been very honest about my previous boyfriends,partners and reasons why we split up.Also I have cut off the contact with some male friends who wanted to be more.He always tells me I am happy for you to have male friends but didn't like one mutual of ours,so I am not meeting up with him anymore.

This morning I woke up in his place and he was still asleep and I was really bored,so I've checked his phone.Hmmm.Not sure why(I know I have my own issues)..and found lots of messages from women.One in particular,they've exchanged lots of messages recently.
She seems to know about me but there is a message from her saying she wants to just stay friends,also another one her reassuiring him that I love him(eh we have never even met).In his sent message he initiated to have diner at his place tonight.

So I've asked him if he has any plans tonight and he answered no.Normally he would say,Oh I am supposed to meet so and so but we can go together or do you want me to cancel it?
This does seems to me like he is hiding something as he has never mentioned her before and also didn't say to me he has plans already.
Bit confused and texting is bit dodgy me thinks.Or Am I making big deal out of this?
Should I be honest and tell him I've checked his phone?

Many thanks lovely ladies(and men)

Waterrat

Just out of curiousity, how did you learn to trust your partner and become stronger?
In past,I have been in a reliatonship with insecure person and tried to help and be supportive(exactly how your partner is),but unfortunately it didn't work.

But seems like it is the other way round...hmmm

I do believe trust and confidence has to shine within..and I am the only person who can achieve that.What I mean is that no partner or boyfriend will help me to fix it or change how I feel,just myself.

Fiona - it's just disappointing though isn't it

Thank you very much for your wonderful words Puppy.And you ladies help to polish that radar from time to time

Thanx Fuzzy-I know it is thank you for a hug.I am actually feeling very calm about it..almost numb.

I do believe trust and confidence has to shine within..and I am the only person who can achieve that.What I mean is that no partner or boyfriend will help me to fix it or change how I feel,just myself.

^ This. Absolutely.

fiona...it was a real struggle - and the main thing that helped me was having a therapist for a year - I was actually seeing her when I met my current partner, I knew that my jealousy/ insecurity/ torment whenever I was in a relationship was only making me unhappy - but on my own I couldn't ever resist feeling totally overwhelmed with it all...

On the whole, insecurities stem from our childhood - it's complex and they build up over a lifetime and reinforce themselves thorugh our experiences. ie. you learn from your parents some deep rooted belief about relationships for example men can't be trusted etc, then because you believe that, you end up with other people who think the same, or who behave in a way that confirms that...but actually it's all just a big circle...you are drawn to people who confirm what you already believe...

and re. trying to be supportive to someone else who is insecure - the truth is, you can't save anyone else - that has to come from within them. I was fighting my own battle with it - so when I met my partner, I was on that path, trying to help myself already. If you meet someone who is jealous, and who isn't trying on their own to overcome that - then all your kindness will do is encourage them to keep being jealous and keep relying on their jealousy to protect them...

jealousy is a form of anxious worry - it comes from lots of fears and beliefs inside you - a professional can help pick all those beliefs apart.

there is a book you might find helpful - it's called They Fuck you up - by Oliver James. about how your family influences you....

have a look at the BACP website, there are often cheap local therapists - get a proper one not just a counsellor...you need someone who is really good, as therapy can be hard...

and...I agree with the poster who said you are on the way to fixing things if you are already asking and wondering....

waterrat

I think it is amazing that you've dealt with your own insecurities so brillantly and made it work.It makes me feel even more positive about future and it actually works.

Also very interesting how you described jealousy and how we 'inherit' insecurities from a childhood.I totally can relate to this myself and know many people who carry on with theses patterns all their lives.

Just ordering the book you've reccommended.

I feel very upbeat after the post.I will definitely start with myself before I judge,second guess anyone in the future.

Another question if you don't mind.Did your partner know you go to therapy?Did he try to be even more supportive after learning about your issues and the fact you are dealing with them?

I am applauding you again

Agreed! Fantastic post waterrat... it's so good to be reminded of those realities from time to time! :)

waterrat - the best post EVER award goes to you ((hugs))

I am in therapy too i order to feel OK about myself, although i haven't met a guy yet...

I feel every word you've written :)

By the way just for the update with the guy.

I,initially, contemplated of going to 'surprise' him tonight but after reading very encouraging posts I've changed my mind as you know.

Anyway,I called him an hour ago and expected him to not to pick up,but he did and said couple of neighbours are coming over to see him for dinner.I didn't say anything but suggested to meet him for a chat tomorrow.

Roll on new me ;-)

Been checking some therapists but so many of them,I don't know which one to go for.

Psychodynamic deals with childhood issues that may have led you to be so insecure etc..

Make sure registered with British Association of Counselling. Make sure therapist offers free session for first time. Go see a few do not settle for first counsellor you see, I was lucky I found her first time :)

Dump this man. It might be interesting to find out why his last partner left him. I'd be prepared to bet money on it being because he is controlling and abusive.

And when you've dumped him, make yourself a promise no dating or partner-seeking for at least a year. Your radar's fucked and your boundaries are poor, spend a year getting to like and trust yourself before getting involved with any more men. Because right now you're attracting the shit ones and putting off the good ones.

aw, thanks for your kind words folks. The reason I like Mumsnet so much is that people can share their experiences, and hopefully that means other people can benefit - I look back in amazement at how I struggled through life, finding every relationship such a battlefield of stress and worry/ disaster - and I just couldn't work out or see that it was me that had the power to stop and make things different..

fiona - that's an interesting question about how I felt telling my partner - because I was actually very nervous about it - I was already seeing her when we met and I didn't tell him for a few months and I can remember how worried I was - it seemed such an intimate, embarrasing etc thing to admit to - but he was very laid back about it and just said 'that sounds like it must be a very interesting thing to do'...

I think the important thing to remember - and actually a good therapist would tell you this - is that your therapy is private, it's not up for discussion, you can if you want tell your partner that you are seeing someone to talk about some fammily stuff/ some of your own issues - but don't start revealing your deepest fears unless you know that is right.

Remember, a good and supportive and mature individual will not pry - theywill respect your privacy and also have respect for you, that you are seeking understanding in your own life..

It sounds like this guy may have his own issues - so you have to bear in mind that if he isn't right for you, therapy will probably lead to you ending it, so I would hold back from sharing too mcuh with him now.

well done on last night by the way - the funny thing is, I bet you feel so much better now than if you had acted on your paranoia. That was such a realisation for me - that when I acted on my worries/ paranoias, all that happened is I felt MORE paranoid and more anxious...

Yes! Buuyilding self esteem is a private journey, i have told one person as she trained to be a counseller (of sorts) and sghe asks me who i go to, where she lives and the most impolite question that makes me feel disrespected is "How's things?"....

I willsee my therapist soon and ask her to handle this person, how to reply, This person is fragile herself. She is my weight loss consultant i thought i'd be safe telling her but since i told her in jan 2010 i have regretted it, i think she is jealous. help! warterrat :(

Sorry Fiona for hijacking thread x