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Original poster

New boyfriend has a lot of female friends..but he hides one from me

64 replies

FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 13:27

So I've been in a new reliatonship for 3 months.
The guy(let's call him Reg) is serious about me,wants me to move in with him and my DS.I have som issues I need to sort out and also wants to take it little bit slowly,especially as my DS is involved.
When I met Reg I knew he had a lot of female friends and I met few of them and he always says "you will meet her " etc.
Recently I felt like our reliatonship stagnated,nothing in particular but he wouldn't have send as
many messages or tell me what he did,didn't insist on meeting every day(like he did before).

I have been very honest about my previous boyfriends,partners and reasons why we split up.Also I have cut off the contact with some male friends who wanted to be more.He always tells me I am happy for you to have male friends but didn't like one mutual of ours,so I am not meeting up with him anymore.

This morning I woke up in his place and he was still asleep and I was really bored,so I've checked his phone.Hmmm.Not sure why(I know I have my own issues)..and found lots of messages from women.One in particular,they've exchanged lots of messages recently.
She seems to know about me but there is a message from her saying she wants to just stay friends,also another one her reassuiring him that I love him(eh we have never even met).In his sent message he initiated to have diner at his place tonight.

So I've asked him if he has any plans tonight and he answered no.Normally he would say,Oh I am supposed to meet so and so but we can go together or do you want me to cancel it?
This does seems to me like he is hiding something as he has never mentioned her before and also didn't say to me he has plans already.
Bit confused and texting is bit dodgy me thinks.Or Am I making big deal out of this?
Should I be honest and tell him I've checked his phone?

Many thanks lovely ladies(and men)

OP posts:
OldeChestnut · 15/12/2011 14:35

Quite frankly if you're checking his phone the relationship has no future anyway.

this ^

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2011 14:38

So so many red flags here. He is but the latest in a series of poor - and poorly chosen men.

What's in this relationship for him; why did he exactly want to move in with you after meeting, what is all that really about?. He sounds like a cocklodger.

What do you get out of this relationship exactly?.

Neither you or he should be together at all and this whole thing is a recipe for disaster.

Deal with your own issues on relationships through counselling and start to love your own self for a change. If you don't you may well keep on repeating the same relationship errors.

Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 14:38

So I have to point out ladies when he asked me to "move in" with him..he wanted me to come and live with him at his place,he even checked the schools for my DS etc.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2011 14:40

Did that not raise alarm bells with you?. Again I ask you, why such interest for you to move in with him at such an early stage?.

redlac · 15/12/2011 14:41

but you said
FionaShrek Thu 15-Dec-11 14:26:12

No he doesn't know my DS.
He wanted to move in with me as soon as we met.He said he knows how he feels now and will not make a difference in 2,6 or 12 months.He is not young,he is mature guy,was married before and have 2 sons himself.

Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 14:43

What's in this relationship for him; why did he exactly want to move in with you after meeting, what is all that really about?

?????????

Do reliatonships have to be about whaht does he get out of this reliatonship etc?So basically he can't just love me or whatever?Jeeez....

I am sorry I can't agree with some of the cynical POV's.

I agree things are have to be taken slowly and agree that everyone has it's own issues and have to learn from past errors etc.but come onnnnn I think everyone is capable of loving themselves etc. whether with or wothout counselling.

OP posts:
waterrat · 15/12/2011 14:44

Fiona - does it not ring alarm bells with you that someone thinks it remotely sensible that you should move your small child in with a new partner after only a few months? I think everyone here is in agreement that this would be completely irresponsible - and a sensible man would not propose it. He should not be thinking about schools for your child after such a short time - it's a complete invasion of your parenting and your space. Three months is such early days! Many people don't even introduce their children to partners so early - I'm sure you are making certain you are protecting your child - but that is not normal and you need to really take a step back.

I also notice a red flag in all this control between the two of you over your friends/ past lovers etc. he stopped you seeing a mutual friend - doesn't he trust you?

and...why oh why are you checking his phone? I sympathise, it's the kind of thing I used to do - but it's really disrespectful and at such early stages the guy is really allowed to have a private life. I think once you have been together a whlie, there should be nothing to hide...but that has to come with longevity and a real commitment...

Sparks1 · 15/12/2011 14:45

Not being funny Fiona but you sound a bit immature in the way you approach relationships. I'd suggest you need to get your own issues sorted first.

Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 14:45

Attila...

OP was not the question :Shall I move in with a new guy?

It was simply just explaining the situation..

I have no interest in moving with him,whether to his place,him to mine whatever.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 15/12/2011 14:46

This is mad shit though.

If I had been dating someone for 3 months and they started looking into schools from my child I would...well. I would just think "Uh-Oh, he's a whackjob" and run like my arse was on fire.

LISTEN UP OP - DUMP HIS ARSE AND MOVE ON.

Or you, my friend, are going to be in a whole world of hurt.

waterrat · 15/12/2011 14:46

and if he has two sons, it is even more irresponsible of him to want to move in with you immediately.

People are not cynical - they are just pointing out that if this guy was a secure, confident person, happy in his own life, he would be more likely to allow things to develop at a slow pace.

Saying 'oh I'll feel the same in x months' is really immature. The reason people wait is to be sure - I loved my partner very early on - but we still waited, enjoyed the early time together and moved in after a year - that's what people do, they protect themselves and don't feel the need to rush.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 15/12/2011 14:50

He is insecure - eg. the conversations with the mysterious female friend where she has to reassure him that you love him.

And he is controlling - eg. encouraging you to dump a friend of yours on his say-so, and considering you (and your son) "his" already. ("I know how I feel; here's a school I picked out for your boy." Hmm )

That is not a good combination. RUN LIKE FUCK.

Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 14:53

Thank you waterrat

Thank you for a sensible advice,answer.

Definitely many red flags and that's why it is confusing and am seeking different POV.

Ofc it did ring a bell for me,but things were going ok with us.This is a first reliatonship after I broke up with my DH and it felt good despite being it 'full on'.

Even though I know I have been with him for 3 month,I know him for about 6 and were e-mailing initially when he was abroad.

Yeah checking phone..not agood thing on my side and well...have to learn from it and move forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 14:57

Waterrat_ I even said to him if we move in he will have to introduce me to his sons and how would he deal with it.One of his sons studies in USA and other one is here.Apparently they haven't met anyone after his divorce.(god knows if it is true)

I feel the same about waiting and in the early stages everything feels great,so to allow to get to know each other is important.

OP posts:
Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 14:58

Puppy...Yup,insecurities and control on his and my side too :(

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2011 15:02

I am not cynical; just realistic and questionning of his motives. Both of you have long standing trust issues which both of you have no hope of fixing by being together.

Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 15:03

Thanx Shirley.

He wasn't literally looking.Just showing me schools near his house.
Obviously my DS is perfectly settled in his school and really my DS's dad is very much involved in his life and that would affect the time he spends with him.

Thank you for your answers ladies.Definitely made me see things clearer about myself and reliatonship.

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/12/2011 15:03

'He always tells me I am happy for you to have male friends'.

Well, gee, isn't that big of him.

fuzzynavel · 15/12/2011 15:03

Fiona - the sensible thing to do would be to calm it all down and take it easy.

Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 15:05

Ok thanx Attila.

Sorry if I overreacted.I have been questioning his motives from beginning as you can imagine.

OP posts:
QueenCess · 15/12/2011 15:06

I think it would be advisable for you to spend some time on your own and take romantic relationships out of the equation.

Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 15:07

I know LADY :) I am so lucky he 'allows' me to have male friends Xmas Grin

Definitely true Fuzzy.

OP posts:
waterrat · 15/12/2011 15:08

I do totally sympathise with having insecurities/ checking phones - I did it at the start of my relationship - and it's a really good relationship now - because in the end I confessed to my partner and he was kind and understanding, but quite firm that I simply had to trust him and stop being neurotic.

I think the problem is when two people come together who both have the same insecurities - I was insecure but found a secure person, who didn't put up with my madness, but was gently supportive as I tried to learn to trust him.

I think that you can learn as you go along - but I don't think the way to create trust is to stop your partner seeing people - on either side.

Original poster
FionaShrek · 15/12/2011 15:08

Queen

That's exactly what is going on through my mind now Thanks

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 15/12/2011 15:14

It's really positive that you are aware of your own insecurities, Fiona. Taking a relationship breather is a very sensible course, as you already seem to know. Good luck - you've got the makings of an excellent relationship radar in that gut of yours, with a little bit of time and work.

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