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Original poster

DS1 dad has died, problems re funeral

67 replies

countingto10 · 14/12/2011 14:45

Didn't really want to post this in Bereavement so thought I would try here.

DS1 biological dad died a few days ago, suddenly. DS1 has not seen him since he was 6 yrs old, DS1 is now 19. Very acrimonious divorce, exH was an alcoholic and very controlling. When I met someone else after being separated for 4 yrs he said he never wanted to see his son again if he had to see me and all contact was ceased. No birthday/christmas presents/cards etc. Kept in contact with MIL and SIL. And to add to the mix DS1 is high functioning autistic.

Anyway received a Christmas card from SIL wishing us all well and had I heard that X had died ? Bit of a shock but got over it very quickly. DS1 is away at a SN college so phoned them, explained the situation and a decision was made on when and how to tell him. Anyway to cut a long story short, he took it very badly, has an idolised view of his dad and obviously now can never get any questions answered. I think he thought that when he was ready he could always contact his dad IYSWIM. Also his autism means he doesn't handle his emotions and feelings in a "normal" way.

Anyway he wants to go to his funeral and herein lies the problem. First of all I didn't know when the funeral was (nothing in local papers etc), didn't have SIL's no etc. So had to randomly phone funeral directors and managed to find the one handling it. Explained the situation to the funeral director, she contacted the widow (who I have never met, don't know etc, have no axe to grind etc) and she has said she doesn't want DS1 there.

So what do I do, DS1 wants to go for "closure", to say goodbye to a man who quite frankly was a piece of sh*t to him and me, so I was quite prepared to go, sit quietly at the back and leave. Thought it would be a courtesy to tell the funeral director and therefore widow that we would be there (DS1 looks like a double of his father). Now feel like we should have just turned up anyway.

I think DS1 is now going to be even more distraught, another rejection by his father (widow) and he does not deserve this. I am just really angry again about the whole thing - I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to his funeral but I am doing it for my son.

Would I be unreasonable to go anyway ?

Sorry it's a bit long Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
countingto10 · 14/12/2011 14:47

Forgot to say SIL isn't going to funeral either as she never had any time for her brother (she knew what he was like)

OP posts:
Figgyrollsintoapudding · 14/12/2011 14:51

I thought anyone could go to any funeral? If your son wants to go I would have thought that he should, he doesn't need to meet the widow, you can both sit at the back and leave immediately after the service?

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 14/12/2011 14:52

Anyone can go to a funeral. If you want to go, go.

fuzzynavel · 14/12/2011 14:52

I'd say, yes, take him to the funeral. It was his father.

DamselInDisarray · 14/12/2011 14:53

In that situation, I think I'd just arrive close to the start time, sit in the corner at the back out of the way during the service and leave promptly without talking to anyone. It was your DS1's father and he's entitled to attend the funeral whether the widow likes it or not. Your DS is just as entitled to grieve as his father's newer wife (no matter how inadequate a father he was to him).

TakenForAMug · 14/12/2011 14:54

I don't know what to suggest. I don't think funerals are like weddings in that they have to be public events. It is an horrendous situation for you to deal with. I know she is grieving but it is unreasonable of her to ban your son. On the other hand will there be a scene if he turns up? I just don't know. The on;y thing I can think of is to ring the funeral director again and explain the situation in detail.

forkful · 14/12/2011 14:59

countingto10 what a sad and difficult situation.

The only suggestion I have is to ask whether it is at a church and that if so you contact the minister and ask her/him to intervene?

I wondering if funerals have to be open to the public (like weddings are?).

forkful · 14/12/2011 14:59
DamselInDisarray · 14/12/2011 15:02

If the funeral is in a church, it will be a public event.

Bogeyface · 14/12/2011 15:06

I think that contacting the minister conducting the service to mediate would be a good idea.

She sounds as charming as your late ex, if she would ban his son from the funeral :( Has he perhaps got siblings that dont know your DS exists?

cestlavielife · 14/12/2011 15:21

maybe think of other ways of marking?

write social story, about funerals, explain you can go near but not be part of ceremony =- but if is for example a burial in cemetery then you could go along after to the grave side and pay respects lay flowers etc when the burial over and others dispersed..

if they cremate and take ashes away will be more difficult...

Debs75 · 14/12/2011 15:26

I think you should go to give your son closure but only if you and college have enough time to prepare him for what will happen.
Sod the widow, yes she will be upset but this is his son, someone who should of had unconditional love off the man. It will be hard for him but it is final and I'm sure other family members can help him with the questions he so desperately wants to ask

doomsday · 14/12/2011 15:51

This is very sad your ds needs and wants disclosure.

Agree with cest do social stories prepare ds and attend grave after they have left for ds to say goodbye if not cremated.

As far as the wife well...I am worried she may start shouting at you or ds and this would really not be fair on ds. She will be looking out for your ds now she has been alerted and may have family ready to stop entry and as ds looks like his df then easy spotted too plus exMIL etc will say who ds is?

You could also speak to the police for advice on this if you think their might be trouble if ds attends. They may be able to mediate? It is just if they become violent etc you don't know what lies your ex said about not seeing ds and wouldn't want your ds to hear anything bad as can totally mess his head up.

If worse case and ds can't attend and no grave you could arrange church service and a special mass for your ds to go through some sort of religious event to help him greive...I can see these problems ahead for my ds too who also is autistic and has no contact with his d.

verlainechasedrimbauds · 14/12/2011 16:01

Unless it's going to be very sparsely attended (and I realise you won't know this in advance) I would think it would be perfectly possible to go in and sit at the back (preferably not near an aisle) without anyone really noticing. The widow is quite likely to go in last and won't be able to see who is entering ahead of her.

I can see that this is very difficult for you.

QuickLookBusy · 14/12/2011 16:14

I would take your DS, it is his Dad's funeral and he should be allowed to go if he wishes.

I think the best bet is to tell the funeral directers that you will be attending and ask their advice. I'm sure they will have dealt with situations like this before and they should be able to help you.

They will know the layout of church/crem so would be able to tell you the best place to sit and the best time to arrive etc.

You sound very reasonable and thoughtful and I'm sure the funeral directors would want to help your DS attend.

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2011 16:15

Hmmm. Very very tricky. Whilst I agree that your son is certainly entitled to go to the funeral I'm not sure it's sensible or appropriate. If there is a 'scene' with the widow it might cause your son to be very, very stressed and if he is autistic he may not handle it well publicly, so he will end up looking like the villain. I'm wondering if it's possible to take him to the chapel of rest beforehand, and then to the cemetary immediately after everyone else has left? Will his grandparents be there? How will they handle seeing him and you again?

It's all a bit fraught with potential problems for my liking and I think you may just look like you are there to prove a point or attract attention to yourself.

If your son is publicly rejected/ousted at the service it will only compound his feelings of rejection and far from bringing closure, it will just cause him more confusion and pain. I would try to persuade him gently that it is a bad idea.

Original poster
countingto10 · 14/12/2011 16:21

Thanks for all the replies. I explained everything fully to the funeral director. As it stands, it is a cremation, the grounds and various waiting areas are public but the chapel has been hired by the widow and therefore she can say who enters if she so wishes. There will be no time afterwards for my DS to pay his final respects as it is a one in, one out system and they are very busy this time of year. I have asked if he is in a chapel of rest, he is but widow again has the veto on who can visit. My DS counts for absolutely nothing, he has been totally rejected again when none of this is his fault.

I cannot explain how angry I am becoming over this. God knows what the ex has said about me. I just wish his sister hadn't said anything and I read in the paper yesterday or just didn't bother asking permission and turned up anyway as she wouldn't know me from Adam.

DS is with counsellors at college atm - they are trying to help him process his feelings. Apparently he doesn't want to hear anything negative about his dad (he knows briefly what he was like but not all the gory details, I think he is in denial and bargaining with himself that he dad wasn't really that bad, but jesus christ how can anyone reject a 6 yr old autistic boy and I think deep down he knows this Sad). All this is just compounding it all.

I tried to do the right thing by all concerned and out of compassion for the widow so she didn't get another shock at the funeral and now it has all blown up in my face.

OP posts:
LauraIngallsWilder · 14/12/2011 16:22

I would take him sit quietly at the back and leave before being noticed
I hope you ds copes ok :(

LauraIngallsWilder · 14/12/2011 16:26

Sorry xposts
His widow sounds awful.

WhoIsThatMaskedWoman · 14/12/2011 16:28

Might your MIL/SIL be able to intervene?

OldeChestnut · 14/12/2011 16:29

if she doesnt know you/son, she wont recognise you as being you/son at the funeral, you could be the next door neighbour for all she knows

Original poster
countingto10 · 14/12/2011 16:30

I am trying to be generously minded towards her as she is in shock, grief, not thinking straight etc. but can't help thinking he found a soulmate Hmm

OP posts:
silverfrog · 14/12/2011 16:32

I am so sorry for your ds1, counting to10 (and for you - what a difficult situation)

you say you kept in touch with MIL - is she going to the funeral? woudl she be able to mediate at all?

I completely understand why your ds would want to go, and think it is highly unreasonable of your ex's widow to ban him. I cannot actually think of a situation where I would ban someone from paying their last respects - I may not like them turning up, or ignore them, but to ban them? serious control issues. I do wonder whether another poster is right, and there are more children, who do not know your ds exists?

Original poster
countingto10 · 14/12/2011 16:33

MIL died a couple of years ago, I kept in contact with her as she had a right to a relationship with DS regardless of her son's behaviour. I don't think she was under any illusions about her son. I think the widow may have received SIL's letter saying she will not be attending so that may have had a bearing on her decision because I doubt whether exH will have any family there now as he only lost contact with his DC from his first marriage (I know huge red flag!!!! and by god did I pay).

OP posts:
nailak · 14/12/2011 16:38

can you have a sort of memorial service yourself? with pics, remembering any good times? maybe in a park or church just you and him and few friends? maybe even ask local clergy man if he could say a few words about loss, death etc?