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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DS1 dad has died, problems re funeral

67 replies

countingto10 · 14/12/2011 14:45

Didn't really want to post this in Bereavement so thought I would try here.

DS1 biological dad died a few days ago, suddenly. DS1 has not seen him since he was 6 yrs old, DS1 is now 19. Very acrimonious divorce, exH was an alcoholic and very controlling. When I met someone else after being separated for 4 yrs he said he never wanted to see his son again if he had to see me and all contact was ceased. No birthday/christmas presents/cards etc. Kept in contact with MIL and SIL. And to add to the mix DS1 is high functioning autistic.

Anyway received a Christmas card from SIL wishing us all well and had I heard that X had died ? Bit of a shock but got over it very quickly. DS1 is away at a SN college so phoned them, explained the situation and a decision was made on when and how to tell him. Anyway to cut a long story short, he took it very badly, has an idolised view of his dad and obviously now can never get any questions answered. I think he thought that when he was ready he could always contact his dad IYSWIM. Also his autism means he doesn't handle his emotions and feelings in a "normal" way.

Anyway he wants to go to his funeral and herein lies the problem. First of all I didn't know when the funeral was (nothing in local papers etc), didn't have SIL's no etc. So had to randomly phone funeral directors and managed to find the one handling it. Explained the situation to the funeral director, she contacted the widow (who I have never met, don't know etc, have no axe to grind etc) and she has said she doesn't want DS1 there.

So what do I do, DS1 wants to go for "closure", to say goodbye to a man who quite frankly was a piece of sh*t to him and me, so I was quite prepared to go, sit quietly at the back and leave. Thought it would be a courtesy to tell the funeral director and therefore widow that we would be there (DS1 looks like a double of his father). Now feel like we should have just turned up anyway.

I think DS1 is now going to be even more distraught, another rejection by his father (widow) and he does not deserve this. I am just really angry again about the whole thing - I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to his funeral but I am doing it for my son.

Would I be unreasonable to go anyway ?

Sorry it's a bit long

OP posts:

silverfrog · 14/12/2011 18:24

oh, I am glad that it has all been sorted out a little.

I hope your ds can make a decision he is happy with, and that he can move from here.

Northernlurker · 14/12/2011 18:44

That sounds good - like your ds can do what he needs to do. What a nightmare for you - fwiw I think you've done well to navigate this one.

Bossybritches22 · 14/12/2011 18:50

How kind of the widows son to contact you, you really don't know what your Ex did or didn't tell her about you & your DS.

It sounds like possibly she knew nothing of his existance which is a double shock along with the death.

As you say you can now offer him a choice, which at least will hopefully help him,which ever way he goes.

doomsday · 14/12/2011 18:51

counting10 your ds sounds a lovely mature young man and is handling this dreadful and sad situation fantastically. I am glad you were honest with your ds and ds will decide with the right support. I am so happy the widow has calmed down after all she too is in grief. Well done on supporting though your ds through a difficult sensitive situation...a memorial would still be nice for ds even if he goes to funeral if he wants to after...it is all the unknowns know ds has to deal with after the funeral...one day at a time and get through that day first

Original poster

countingto10 · 14/12/2011 19:11

Thanks everyone. I think I will have a long discussion with DS when he gets home from college tomorrow. I get the feeling that he may well be more upset attending the funeral as I get the impression that only the last 11 yrs of ex's life will be referenced - if he never discussed aspects of his past how can it be otherwise. I know ex did not keep up contact with most people as he was an alcoholic and alienated lots of people. Obviously no mention will be made of DS so will be upsetting - even the obituary that is going in the local rag tomorrow will be upsetting as no mention will be made of DS. I am glad SIL told me because it would have been a hell of a shock if we had read it in the paper !!!!

All in all I personally think it will be better if DS stays away but it is his decision.

Keeping fingers crossed it all goes as well as possible.

OP posts:

undermyskin · 14/12/2011 19:57

Counting, so difficult for you. From the experience of a not so dissimilar situation, and though it will be distressing for your son, my gut feeling is that it would be good if your son was able to attend the funeral, albeit in a low key way and with you. The bloody word 'closure' comes up too often these days, but better that he has this opportunity to say goodbye than later regret he did not.

sittinginthesun · 14/12/2011 20:44

Oh that does sound better. At least it is up to your DS now.

zookeeper · 14/12/2011 22:23

fingers crossed for youboth countingto10 you sound a lovely mum

NunTheWiser · 15/12/2011 05:46

Is there anyone from his college that would be willing to come along as a second support person if your DS does decide to go? It might be easier with a support "posse", IYKWIM.

LovesBloominChristmas · 15/12/2011 06:43

Morning counting

Wow I've just read the thread and what a day you had, hope you got a good nights sleep.

I'm so sorry for your son. My dad died a year ago so I think I can see both sides of this. Tbh my first thought when you mentioned going to the service was that he might not be mentioned and how this would affect him. Would it be possible to find out nearer the time if he is or not to prepare him?

My dad had a child before marrying my mum and although keeping in contact/visits it became a difficult relationship in later years including when he was poorly. We did make sure he was included, even though this was very hard for all of us and he was mention in tge service. But I am fairly certain that there are things he could complain about but we did our best.

Tge vicar was very good with this and certainly was not tge first time he had heard of a complicated family history, I think like tge funneral directors, they hear it all the time! Could you maybe speak to tge vicar and see if he can gently suggest some sort of reference, for your sons sake it would only need to be 'xxx was delighted when ops son was born in xxx'. Because for all his faults I'm assuming that when ds was born he was happy and that would be tge memory I would want my ds to have.

Just want to add I think you and his school have done a great job.

Original poster

countingto10 · 15/12/2011 07:09

Thanks again everyone.

Unfortunately noone from the college will be able to attend as it is based 2.5 hours drive away. In a way I am pleased I didn't rush and pick him up when we first told him (there was a severe weather forecast and driving in the dark, country roads etc not advisable) as he has had more support and counselling than I would have been able to give him (has 3 much younger siblings) so the college have given him the space, support and help he has needed.

He is coming home early tonight so I will have a discussion with him then as I do not think there will be any mention of ex's past - apparently he did not discuss this with current wife . DS has got to be prepared for this, I have also been asked not to make ourselves known and slip quietly away. Again DS has to understand this and decided whether he can cope with this ie absolutely no acknowledgement of his existance. I will leave it for him to decide.

Going for a long planned day out today so hopefully it will take my mind of everything for a while.

Thanks everyone again - I will let you know how it all goes.

OP posts:

Bossybritches22 · 15/12/2011 07:41

wow what a bolt from the blues for the widow then- makes her seemingly nasty reaction make more sense somehow. SO difficult for all concerned.

Glad you've got a day out planned countingto10 relax & enjoy!

likelucklove · 15/12/2011 07:45

My DF was in a similar situation 15 years ago when his DM died. He was very close to her but had fallen out with stepD because he had been having an affair when my DN was battling cancer, causing her to give up hope.

StepD banned DF from the funeral, along with us and his brothers families. They all went anyway, just took their wives and not children. He said he was glad to take such a stand and he found her death easier to cope with.

From that experience, I would tell you to go. It doesn't matter what she wants, if your son wants to go he is entitled to, he is his fathers own flesh and blood. Agree with everyone else to sit in the back and leave as soon after if your son is ok with that. Its horrible that on top of the bereavement process your son has to go through this, and obviously you in supporting him Good luck.

Original poster

countingto10 · 16/12/2011 16:21

Well we went. I prepared DS beforehand, telling him that I didn't think many people would be there as ex had effectively cut himself off from all his past, that no mention would be made of DS and it would all be about the widow and her family.

It was held in the small chapel (so obviously not expecting many people ) - about 25 people turned up. It was strange watching the vicar trying to say something about him and his past when obviously trying not to mention previous life IYSWIM. There was a lot of what a wonderful husband he was, wonderful step dad and step grandfather and absolutely no mentioned of my DS - DS found this very hard.

Also the service was full of christmas carols, if you can imagine Hard the Herald Angels and Come all ye Faithfull sung/murmered by 25 reluctant singers (vicar did his best). I did scoff at a couple of things the vicar said and hope that nobody noticed.

DS was very upset at the end and fortunately they didn't close the curtains on the coffin so I told him to go and have a few second with his dad on his own. Obviously we were attracting curious glances now - obviously upset person at back of service staying to say goodbye to coffin.

As we went out and shook hands with the vicar, I felt the need for my son to be acknowledge and said to him "This is E, I's son". I was angry on my DS's behalf. The vicar obviously knew about it as he said he didn't know whether we were coming, and had DS had sometime with the coffin which I thought was nice - so either the funeral director had said something or the family had in anticapation of some sort of scene maybe so the vicar was forewarned (who knows).

We walked away from the family as requested and went home. It would have been nice with one of the step children had maybe come over and said something like "Hello you must be E" etc but it didn't happen. As I said to DS, those people are really nothing to us, complete strangers so it would have been expecting a lot.

I have managed to locate his half brother on the internet so if he wishes he can make an approach to him on the understanding that he may not want to know him.

What a very tangled web we weave sometimes .....

Thanks again everyone - I think there was some sort of "closure" for both of us.

OP posts:

LovesBloominChristmas · 16/12/2011 17:26

I'm glad it was uneventful iykwim . Vicars are very used to complicated families

FellatioNelson · 16/12/2011 18:26

That was a happy ending of sorts then. Glad it worked out without any major traumas.

Debs75 · 17/12/2011 11:56

I'm glad it went well and ds had a chance to say goodbye

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