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Original poster

DS1 dad has died, problems re funeral

67 replies

countingto10 · 14/12/2011 14:45

Didn't really want to post this in Bereavement so thought I would try here.

DS1 biological dad died a few days ago, suddenly. DS1 has not seen him since he was 6 yrs old, DS1 is now 19. Very acrimonious divorce, exH was an alcoholic and very controlling. When I met someone else after being separated for 4 yrs he said he never wanted to see his son again if he had to see me and all contact was ceased. No birthday/christmas presents/cards etc. Kept in contact with MIL and SIL. And to add to the mix DS1 is high functioning autistic.

Anyway received a Christmas card from SIL wishing us all well and had I heard that X had died ? Bit of a shock but got over it very quickly. DS1 is away at a SN college so phoned them, explained the situation and a decision was made on when and how to tell him. Anyway to cut a long story short, he took it very badly, has an idolised view of his dad and obviously now can never get any questions answered. I think he thought that when he was ready he could always contact his dad IYSWIM. Also his autism means he doesn't handle his emotions and feelings in a "normal" way.

Anyway he wants to go to his funeral and herein lies the problem. First of all I didn't know when the funeral was (nothing in local papers etc), didn't have SIL's no etc. So had to randomly phone funeral directors and managed to find the one handling it. Explained the situation to the funeral director, she contacted the widow (who I have never met, don't know etc, have no axe to grind etc) and she has said she doesn't want DS1 there.

So what do I do, DS1 wants to go for "closure", to say goodbye to a man who quite frankly was a piece of sh*t to him and me, so I was quite prepared to go, sit quietly at the back and leave. Thought it would be a courtesy to tell the funeral director and therefore widow that we would be there (DS1 looks like a double of his father). Now feel like we should have just turned up anyway.

I think DS1 is now going to be even more distraught, another rejection by his father (widow) and he does not deserve this. I am just really angry again about the whole thing - I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to his funeral but I am doing it for my son.

Would I be unreasonable to go anyway ?

Sorry it's a bit long

OP posts:

doomsday · 14/12/2011 16:53

I know of situation where someone was banned from a funeral. If that person went their would have been violence:( because of not being allowed to attend she stopped the deceased father's children from going to funeral too (so opposite senerio)
I am worried for your ds and what he may experience although I know this is very very unfair, but could be worse consequences for ds if he attends...I do know where you are coming from as in same boat re absent father and child that was rejected with autism

EldonAve · 14/12/2011 16:55

I would go anyway

If she kicks off then at least DS1 will know you both tried to be there

zookeeper · 14/12/2011 16:55

would it be at all possible for your ds to see his father in the funeral parlour? Perhaps the director would ask the widow? Perhaps he could tell her that if you go to the parlour then you won't go to the funeral? ((if that's what you want)

f she's mean enough to say he can't come to the funeral I wouldn't put it past her to create a scene at the funeral if you show up with your ds. I feel for you; so much for trying to do the right thing.

Original poster

countingto10 · 14/12/2011 16:58

Well, I had a chat with his college support worker who has been helping him through this (as he is boarding), explained that we are not welcome at the funeral and we decided that we needed to put this to DS for him to decide what to do (he is quite intelligent). DS was with a counsellor and the support worker decided to interrupt them so the counsellor could help/support DS with the "rejection" and the best way forward. Upshot, DS has decided he doesn't what any type of scene (couldn't cope with that) and could we look at a memorial plaque later. I am pleased as he seems a lot calmer now - maybe the counsellor helped him process his feelings and helped him direct his anger to the appropriate person.

I am still hoping the widow's son contacts me because I feel my DS deserves to be able to say a final goodbye to his "deadbeat" dad.

OP posts:

zookeeper · 14/12/2011 16:59

am fuming on you and your poor ds's behalf.

Original poster

countingto10 · 14/12/2011 17:04

I am just so angry that my poor, innocent DS is bearing the brunt of it all again. I could cheerfully fire up the furnace myself and stoke it

OP posts:

Harecare · 14/12/2011 17:05

If your son wants to go, go. Don't make yourselves known and if they see you apologise, but it is more important for your son to say goodbye. She will be grieving too, but she has no right to veto anyone from showing up, especially not his own son.

LovingChristmas · 14/12/2011 17:06

Why don't you try and get her details and give her a call, the situation can't be any worse than now and if she blows you out then your DS never has to know. But maybe on hearing you being rational and calm and explaining that your DS would like to just sit quietly at the back and leave straight after the service she may concede that it is ok.

Ok - Here comes the flaming - be gentle please - I can maybe see her point, she doesn't know you from adam and you have no idea what bull he has fed her, so it could be that you are the wicked witch and never let him see his son (I'm not saying this is true - but speaking from experience here) and when your DS was old enough ie past 18 then he would get in contact, when he didn't more bull fed to wife along the lines of he's poisoned against me etc, so to her you are a nasty piece of work and your DS in her opinion is no better for rejecting his dad (I am not saying that's true at all, I'm saying that some people make up amazing stories to get future partners to believe what they want). Maybe a call to discuss it will help her realise it's not true and your son just wants to pay his respects - if not at the funeral, maybe at the funeral parlour etc.

rubyrubyruby · 14/12/2011 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sittinginthesun · 14/12/2011 17:07

Honestly, I wouldn't encourage him to go. Funerals can be highly emotionally charged, and often people who grieving act very unreasonably. Can you imagine the harm it would cause to your son if the widow and her family tried to throw you out!

Dud the funeral directors say if a vicar or priest was doing a service at the crem? If so, you could contact them direct, and ask if they can intervene.

If not, I think you just have to be honest with your son, crap though it is.

Harecare · 14/12/2011 17:07

Oops, didn't read last bit. Just as well he's thought of an alternative.

zookeeper · 14/12/2011 17:08

nice to see you keeping your sense of humour countingto10

QuintessentiallyFestive · 14/12/2011 17:11

Never mind the widow and how she feels, do what your son wants, and needs.

Original poster

countingto10 · 14/12/2011 17:16

The funeral director has given the widow's son my number for him to phone me - still waiting .......

TBH I would rather not go, would never have wanted to go etc, but my DS is so distraught that I was prepared to go, listen to the eulogy (sp?) saying what a wonderful kind man etc etc, support my son then go - job done. It's what you do for your DC.

I get the feeling that the funeral director is on my side when I said that if I turned up, stood at the back and nobody noticed would that be ok and she said yes, but you haven't heard it from me .....

The only thing I worry about is my DS going round telling people he was his dad if anyone asks how we know the deceased, and then the questions will start, DS could get upset and the autism then kicks in.

OP posts:

Bossybritches22 · 14/12/2011 17:19

OP -what a horrible situation for you & your poor DS.

Sounds like the college are doing a brilliant job helping him process the info & his feelings. Maybe you can both go to the crem after he has been interred & lay some flowers or say a prayer or poem if he is comforted by that?

Or could he understand the significance of going to a special place he (DS) loves & saying goodbye there, a park,wood or seaside he loves?

You are being more than reasonable in the circumstances,a fab & caring Mum & I'm sure you'll find a way to sort this.

LovingChristmas · 14/12/2011 17:22

I would try and track her down, do you know her name? or if you obviously know you ex's you can track through 192.com, I think costs about £2.50 to get an address so long as on electoral role, then call her!! Like I say no worse off!!

SoupDragon · 14/12/2011 17:26

I would forget about the funeral and try to "push" for a visit to the funeral parlour instead. This is a compromise as the widow doesn't have to see your son, there is no scene and your son gets to say goodbye in private (which he may cope with better?).

Original poster

countingto10 · 14/12/2011 17:26

I won't be contacting her direct as I don't want to distress her anymore than she is already.

OP posts:

DamselInDisarray · 14/12/2011 17:27

I think it would be best to prime your son not to talk to anyone if you do go. If you arrive just in time, slip in the back and leave as soon as the ceremony is over then he won't need to speak to anyone.

SoupDragon · 14/12/2011 17:28

Might the funeral director be amenable to putting a letter from your son in the coffin, without mentioning it to the widow?

verytellytubby · 14/12/2011 17:31

Poor you I've no advice but have massive sympathy for you and your DS.

happyinherts · 14/12/2011 17:36

I think you've made a bit of a rod for your own back here. You werent directly informed of the death and funeral. You've tracked it down yourself by hunting down funeral directors and told your son before you knew if you'd be welcome or not.

I see that your son has a right to know and also attend the funeral. However, as he hadn't seen his father since he was 6 I'm surprised you wanted to track down the funerals whereabouts and tell him about it before getting int touch with the widow.

Bearing in mind his SN and also bearing in mind the widow's wishes, I think you should either arrive at last minute, sit at back and disappear off quickly, or not attend at all. You say poor innocent DS is bearing the brunt of this - as I see it that's because you've put him in that position.

Original poster

countingto10 · 14/12/2011 17:46

With all due respect Happyinherts, none of this was put to my DS straightaway. When I found out ex had died, I phoned them to discuss how best to handle it, I took their advice all the way along which is why I had to tract down the funeral director as DS expressed a wish to go to the funeral and it was felt that we should in no way stop him. He is an adult after all (19). It was also felt that he would blame me if any blocks were put in his path. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place - how would he have felt if he found out that I knew his dad had died and I had said nothing - secrets and lies are not the way to go here.

OP posts:

happyinherts · 14/12/2011 17:49

I see your point about secrets and lies and I'm sorry if I came over a bit harsh.

I think all you can do is make a token appearance at the back for you both to pay respects and then make an exit.

Original poster

countingto10 · 14/12/2011 18:20

The widow's son has just phoned me. Had a long conversation with him. He said DS is welcome to go, sit at the back, say his respect etc but not to strike up conversation with his mum etc. Apparently she is in deep shock and cannot cope with it - she is wondering why DS is suddenly turning up out of the blue which is fair enough.

Exh didn't talk about his past apparently, just said that is the past we are together now etc, etc. I asked if the DC from the first marriage know about his death - he doesn't think they did (I think he only found out about DCs from the will ie I leave all my stuff to wife, DCs been provided for elsewhere )

I explained DS problems and why he wanted to go which he understood and he said he had had another long conversation with his mother today. Away I did say I wasn't sure that we would go but thanked him as it now leaves the ball in DS's court.

I am glad I went via the funeral director and that I didn't keep anything from DS. It would have been wrong to turn up out of the blue for the widow but it would also have been wrong to prevent my DS from going.

I am hoping that my DS makes the best decision for him and that he gets some peace from that decision

OP posts:

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