childhood abuse coming back to haunt me (warning, may trigger)

[unwantedattention]

I've namechanged. I suffered sexual and emotional abuse as a child at the hands of my step"father" and mother. For eight years. My much older brother (who had left home) did nothing, though he knew something was up.
I moved away and after trying to heal myself while not rocking the boat, this ate me up and I ultimately could not manage to have contact (one family meal would result in several weeks of nonstop crying) so I stopped contact. By this time my stepfather had died, but having contact with my mother was too much to handle (she was very active in the emotional and sexual abuse). I also stopped contact with brother because he would definitely be used to coerce me into contact and make me tow the line.
So, over the last 8 years I've had no contact. I feel much better, though frequent sleepless nights of guilt and anger, quite a lot of self-hatred. I have DCs of my own with a supportive DH who knows everything. Becoming estranged has done me more good than any kind of therapy.
But ... it hasn't stopped my mother trying to contact me, enlisting brother to contact me and also aunts and uncles who have absolutely no idea the damage they are doing. So far I've just been returning post and blocking emails (my work cleverly published my email address a year back!). I feel as if I've been under siege for years. Now out of the blue I hear that my mother has been in touch with MY WORK! She's sent a letter to my boss, essentially infantilising me. The boss has basically said she's mad, but I am really embarrassed and my boss can't "unsee" what she's written. That was earlier today and I've been shaking ever since.
What can I do? I have a supportive and patient DH but he is having trouble understanding how hunted I feel. I feel bad that I've never reported what happened to the police. I am thinking of breaking my 8 year silence and just saying that if further attempts are made to contact me then legal repercussions will follow. Or should I go to the police. Could I get an injunction for this? Could police issue some kind of warning?
Sorry this is long, I'm an absolute mess and have to be up in 2 hours ... What could I do?

Go and see a solicitor. (hugs))

Yes, you did have some counselling, but not very much, sorry missed that bit. Therapy isthe way forward but it is so hard i'm not going to lie. You are a survivor and with the right therapist will get through it. There is no reason for you to hate yourself for anything or feel ashamed etc, it is their shame, although you cannot see it, therapy will do that for you :) xxxxxxxxxxx you deserve nothing less than a better you inside.

Thank you HooverTheHamaBeads dottyspotty and GoingForGoalWeight Thanks for getting through all my wordy posts!
Today was tough as I managed to doze off for about 20 mins before having to get up and get everyone to school etc. I felt really physically sick going into work but managed to get through the day. I'm definitely going to follow up on all the leads but think I'll try to get to sleep when the DCs do, so that I can catch up. I feel very emotionally hungover tonight.

GoingForGoalWeight, I've never met anyone else who has estranged themselves from their family and it makes me feel as if I'm in some kind of weird parallel universe, well done for standing up for yourself. You're very insightful for picking up on the self-hate side of what I'm going through, last night I was going through a lot of that, also the hopeless feeling that I am so messed up this is never going to get better, no matter what I do.

right, I am going to get some sleep tonight and do some following up on all those links and may pluck up courage to speak to police. Will it be their child protection unit (though I'm a bit old for that!)? I'm worried we really can't afford to see a solicitor.

I've not read the whole thread but I wanted to say, I have had similar experiences and I'm very sorry for what you've been put through. Sadly I identify with a lot of your post.

If you remember nothing else from this message from a stranger, please let it be this...
the shame that you carry has nothing to do with you. It was placed on you by sick people who wanted a convenient excuse for acting like monsters. Your parents are/were ill in the extreme, and did nothing to help themselves. Instead they chose a small girl to turn into a scapegoat for all the horror they pent up inside themselves. There is no shame for you. None at all. It's an illusion they planted in your heart long ago, for the express purpose of using it to control you.

For many many years I carried shame around with me. It coloured all my relationships, all my interactions. I felt like I had no right to walk the earth, that nothing truly belonged to me, that I deserved nothing and should be grateful for what I was given.

It affected my marriage hugely. But five or so years ago, I sat up one morning in bed after we'd had an argument the night before, and I'd been lying awake thinking how horrible I was, how ungrateful I was, and I said to DH

"You know what, none of it was my fault. None of it. It was my parents' fault. There was nothing I could have done. If they had been better human beings, everything would have been alright. It was all their fault. It had nothing to do with me at all"

That was a turning point for me. I felt the full force of rage for them that day but I was at last free. I could look back on all the events in my life and look at my younger self with sympathy and love and pity. Instead of pulling apart my every action in retrospect, arguing with myself that I probably asked for it.

Now when someone asks me about my parents I can say "they were abusive and horrible. It's wonderful to be away from them." Without wincing or flushing or getting tearful. Because it's the truth, and it may be sad, but it's no reflection on me.

If I were you, I would write a generic letter to all family members, outlining the abuse (on a very high level -- no details necessary) and saying this is why you will not contact your mother, and close by saying that anyone who contacts you about her, or on her behalf, will be subject to legal action. Send a copy to your mother with a note attached explaining that you've sought legal advice and will not accept any more correspondence from her.

The law is on your side. Your parents were and are criminals. The police will believe you if you choose to talk to them.

Much love to you x

Just thought I'd add that I went to the police about 2 years ago about the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, with my mother being heavily involved. They were really kind, and the only shame was that she couldn't be charged due to her age - she's 96.

In answer to your question about which department of the police deals with this I just reported to a female officer and then DC from public protection contacted me and took me for my statement which was on camera I am in Scotland. I don't know how it works in England as I haven't met the DC dealing with the case yet just spoken on the phone , hopefully meet her over new year whilst visiting family if I can pluck up the courage to phone her.

Just wanted to add my support/thoughts. There was a thread about some past abuse being reported which might help you. I'll see if I can find it. If you even 'threaten' to report your mother's abuse, you will be taking some power back. I know (a little) where you are and I totally understand the fear of not being believed.

I am so angry on your behalf.

This is the thread.

Hello, still here for you, try the statly homes thread in relationships, have read. you're not alone there.....:)

Post what you like and as much as you want, nobody judges, nobody would DARE,,we protect each other x

unwanted - you're very brave and I wish you the best.

I think it should be relatively straightforward for you to go to the police about this, if you've requested that she stays away and doesn't contact you, since if she carries on then she's harassing you. Let the police know what the situation is, you shouldn't have to give them detail about family background from years ago, just let them know that she's contacting you against your wishes, you've told her not to and she's persisting. The police should give her a warning and can take the matter further if she persists.

Hello! I'm still here, has been a hellish couple of days (also busy at work and busy DC school stuff, so it's been horrendous. I seem to have lost the ability to sleep or keep food down). Boss isn't mentioning The Letter but I am still mortified. Still this dreadful feeling of "exposure" though I shouldn't be the one fearing exposure as I'm not the one with a dirty secret.
oikopolis, I have been angry but it has always been tinged with a sense of shame (and misplaced guilt) so I think I am due to get very angry at some point and I think this might be it. I think that the fact that it is my mother (who gave the impression of being the ideal mother etc.) is so confusing and I was programmed to be super-loyal.
tb well done for reporting. Knowing that there's a well-trodden path of reporting should help.
dottyspotty, I am going to contact one of the charities and see if they can advise me on how best to approach police.
jinglebelledamesansmerci thank you so much for this!
goingforgoalweight I'm dipping in and out of the stately homes thread just now.
PlumpDogPillionaire I wish I felt brave. I felt quite brave when cutting contact, but at the moment I feel incredibly threatened.

This is my current plan as i need to get some power back asap, the freefall I've been in the last couple of days isn't sustainable. I spent some time last night in a bit of a frantic writing phase, drafting a letter to send to all members of family. I'm not sure what to say without starting to "explain myself". Ideas?
I think the idea that even threatening to report can get power back is a very good one. But just at the moment it feels like a massive thing to do. I also think that calling their bluff and making sure that they know that this is not a secret and people know what they did and I am not ashamed would be a good thing to say too?
I've never called them to account, as just the act of cutting contact was such a relief. The family like to project that they are incredibly respectable so this would be the ultimate threat to their whole delusional house of cards. I think that a warning for harrassment would be a very good idea too. The last time I asked mother not to contact me, she responded to that with pages of handwritten, capital letter vitriol. And the attempts to contact didn't stop, evidently.
I'm sick of it all, when I was younger I had to resign jobs etc because it all affected me so badly, and I had some very screwed up relationships before DH. But I was always covering up my own "dirty secret" and so complicit in covering up for them too, GAH!
Anyway, thanks for being patient with me.

We're here for you. It might be your inner child is feeling threatened, find grown up you insifde and talk to the littke girl inside that feels threatened. tell her you are here now, she is no longer alonbe, hug her, re-parent her. I'm sure you wouldn't stand by and see another child go through the same as you did, do same for your inner little girl that was you and is still feeling threatened, scared etc xx

You can definitely get police involvement for this situation. I have used them to keep my mother away from me and my children and she didn't hurt me in the way yours did.

Thanks goingforgoalweight, it's true that I need re-parent myself. I just feel perpetually terrified at the moment. I've also got the (exact same!) sinking feeling I used to have when walking home from school.

TheOriginalFab, that's feeling like the right thing to do (at last, something that feels right!) when I thought about getting in touch with the police before it was all tied up with not being sure about talking about the details or being treated like a crazy person.

(able to hold it together until people are kind to me, off to have a short weep)

hurts are same just different methods mostly :)

I'd venture to say you might be afraid partly because you're aware that by taking back control, you're making a statement to yourself about how this was not your fault. You may be feeling afraid of the rush of rage that will come when you let go of the shame completely. Once you realise just how innocent you were, just how completely undeserved your abuse was, the relief + rage cocktail that suddenly rushes into you is pretty overwhelming.

As long as you're hanging on to the shame, you're also, in a very real sense, making a statement that the world and other people are trustworthy and good and safe, but you are bad -- you are the weak link in the equation. In an odd sense, that is comforting, the idea that one day, if you just behave extra well and crack the code of what you need to do to be loveable, everything will be ok. You'll finally fit into this good world that you've never been good enough for.

But this is the view of a child... a child who can't face the reality that she has been born into a dangerous family situation. So she uses shame to protect herself from the horrible, unfathomable reality of her life. If she didn't do that, her hope would be so destroyed she may not be able to carry on living in her situation.

Once that shame (which is really a kind of denial) evaporates, there's no two ways about it, it is SCARY. Scary to see your mother for what she is, scary to face just how monstrously, acutely, unbearably evil her actions were. Scary too to see how the rest of your family was complicit. Scary to no longer be able to keep up the facade....

You don't want to feel those feelings FGS why would you?? who would? kwim? so of course you're afraid.

I don't think you actually fear the police not believing you. I think you may in fact fear that they WILL believe you, and that your shame and denial will finally be challenged in an extremely public way.

I am rambling so apologies if this is not helpful. I want to offer you different ways to look at your fear so that it doesn't feel like a monster under the bed. Because it isn't you know... you're afraid because things are going to change at last. The fear is a good sign. It's a sign that you're rebelling against the evil that was perpetrated against you, and that's something to celebrate.

(I know that doesn't make the fear go away, and it's sickening to feel it no matter what. For that, I am so sorry.)

i'm scared of the rage, it's coming :( i can get very angry but hold it back, one day i might go wild

Oikopolis I sat open mouthed as you've hit the nail bang on the head!
I can "cope" with being the bad one (after all I've had the training) and for (many) years I kept hoping that suddenly everyone would be normal, apologise and admit to what was done, there would be a Disney ending, I would crack the code to be loveable by being very good, etc.
I think I do fear the relief and rage cocktail, more than being disbelieved. Though I also know it would be my word against the whole family.

I have just finished reading the Toxic Dad thread, wow that was quite an eyeopener and very familiar in some ways. I've just ordered the Toxic Parents book from amazon (mentioned on that thread) as that might be useful too.

GoingForGoalWeight I know exactly what you mean. I think I am more bewildered than angry. I think we may need to buy some cheap crockery and set a time for some controlled plate smashing? I'd put a punch bag on my Christmas list if I didn't think I'd break my hand the first time I used it.

Just read this with tears in my eyes, for all the pain you all have had to endure throughout your innocent young lives. I can offer no help unfortunately but my heart goes out to you and hope you find the peace your are craving.

These vile people need to be held accountable for THEIR actions.

Please please seek advise/help/information as many of the MNetters have advised here. x

A punchbag is a really good idea..I'm buying one soon.

mumofjz thank you for your kind words. I am trying to change my fear into some kind of action. It's a difficult time of year for me at the best of times, so this is quite awful., but am determined to give the DCs a nice Christmas. I am hoping to find some kind of peace (I feel as if I'm back to square one at the moment) and some way of taking my power back.

Though I also know it would be my word against the whole family.

It will be, and they will probably not believe you because it would be inconvenient for them to take your part. You must prepare yourself for that. Don't send the letter in hopes it will make them believe you; send it because you want them to stop contacting you on your mother's behalf.

Keep your expectations low, is all I'm saying. I've learned to my cost that trying to convince people that I didn't deserve to be abused is a losing battle... the person in question either knows this instinctively and requires no convincing, or they are trying very hard not to face it, and therefore will not.

Although you're afraid and feeling sick about it, on the positive side, if you do start taking your power back you are going to start feeling better too :) it's just a matter of perseverance.

You're being very brave. Take heart that you're on the side of good. You're standing up against injustice, speaking the truth. That is a Very Good Thing and ultimately, it will form part of a better world. By speaking the truth yourself, you make it easier for others to do the same.

...indeed, with everything you do when it comes to your family (i.e., even if you don't send them that general letter), expect nothing from them. That way you can be happily surprised if someone breaks ranks and takes your part , but you're also saying "I don't need these people to believe me... I know what's right, and even if no-one else does, I'm fighting for that from now on"

thank you oikopolis. I'm off to try again with sleeping. I'll print this off to refer to and carry it with me